Love is Difficult, and Then There Is the Guilt-
@princess07031980 (5412)
United States
August 13, 2009 12:52pm CST
OK, I am not one to post the "drama infested" subjects, but it has seemed that that is what's been on my mind lately so here is another one....
I broke up with my fiance 2 days ago. We were together just over a year. I have dealt with severe depression nearly the entire relationship and have attempted to break up with him many times. (Then why was I palnning on getting married? Because he was very good to me, and I wanted to be over my issues and really get to that level with him.) We may have been apart for a few days at a time, but we always talked things through and always decided to stay together. This last time, I saw the true anger and resentment in him, and I am sure it is finally the last straw.
I have had huge insecurity issues and have had anxiety a lot over the last 9 months or so. I don't even want to go out with him in public because I was so distraught in my head and often times very ashamed of myself) and had my own severe lack of self esteem issues-I felt like I wasn't good enough to be with him.) If you have ever been through such head trips, and you can't get past your issues, then you know exactly how hard it is to feel confidant in a relationship.
Howver, my confidance has been gone and this relationship was just too hard. I wanted to get to that level of trust, love, and security, but I couldn't do it. I am currently in therapy and trying to work through this, but I really think I am better off sorting through my "baggage" alone, as opposed to seemingly drag someone through the dirt with me.
He hates me now, even though he is very aware of my issues as I have told him everything. He basically thinks he stuck with me through the hard times to ultimately get spit in the face. I have tremendous amounts of guilt that I chose myself over him. Plus, I have been very used to him here with me all the time. The loneliness is setting in and I am starting to miss him terribly.
Do you have any advice? Have you ever been in this kind of relationship where it just had to end, and even though you had to do it for yourself, you still felt sad and guilty?
4 people like this
10 responses
@tdemex (3540)
• United States
13 Aug 09
I've been thru so many "serious" relationships it isn't funny sometimes I ended them and sometimes I was the dumpee. The only thing I've learned out of all this is despair will get you nowhere, a pity party will get you know where and thinking of it constantly will get you nowhere. The best advise I can tell you is "Time heals ALL wounds!" Shake it off and move on that's your only choice! tdemex
1 person likes this
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
13 Aug 09
I agree that I will get past this, and with some time, it will get easier. I also know that sitting here and thinking about him and dwelling on whether I did the right thing or not is not going to help matters any. But you know where I am at-I am in the stuck phase so to speak, and I have no choice but to think of it for a bit. Heck, a major part of my life is no longer here, and it's hard to adjust sometimes. I am wondering if I have made the wrong choice, but then again, I know that is coming from the guilt and despair.....I hate this! Like everyone does....
1 person likes this
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
13 Aug 09
Haha, yes, a drink has been in hand quite often over the last couple evenings, although that is a band-aid too. I find myself sitting outside in the dark and in the quiet, mellowed out and just thinking. Today is the hardest day so far, as for some reason all this guilt has set in. Yes, of course, I have been here before, and I know what I SHOULD do, but I haven't got to that point I guess. It will come, and I have to know that this is best.....but danagit, it doesn't mean I can just erase these beed feelings.
@vandana7 (100249)
• India
13 Aug 09
Hello princess08031980. U have got habituated to him. And when u realized there were issues that u cannot digest, u wanted to get out. I dont understand why the girl has to reduce her personality to a naught in any relationship. The boy is trying to remind of hardtimes to make u return to him. Once u return, it will be the same situation, even worse. He will develop confidence that u will put up with anything he does. And u will be back to square one. If u r ok with it, so be it.
1 person likes this
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
13 Aug 09
That is always how it is-you run back because it's comfortable and it doesn't seem right not to do so-to be able to go on without. B the real issues will be there always unless they are resolved. I so wished I could have had a different mind-set in this matter, and would have been big enough to get over my insecurities, but it didn't work out that. Now instead of living happily ever after like I wanted to, I feel worse about my insecurities and I feel so out of it without him. But this is the initial shock of the whole thing. It will get better somehow-I know this.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100249)
• India
13 Aug 09
Relax. We all have been there. Time is the best healer. Dont go back unless u r sure. Even if it means losing him. Try to meet others. Look for positives in otheres. Contrast his negatives with others positives. For a while spend time looking after urself before finding a new person. At 50 I can say it will disappear from ur mind in less than an year if u let it.
1 person likes this
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
14 Aug 09
Once the dust settles down, you wont feel so guilty any more but the basic issue here is did you do the right thing in splitting up? From your post, your bf comes across as somebody very caring and understanding type. We all have our limits of endurance and maybe he just crossed that limit in adjusting to your needs or maybe you were feeling too dependent on him…I’m sorry but I really could not understand why you broke up! I think at this moment you are a bit confused…I think you really need some time alone with yourself and decide whether you want to be in a relation at all or whether you want to stay alone. Staying alone is not bad at all as long as you are happy with it…you don’t need to be in a relation just to be in one!
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
14 Aug 09
Oh, I've been there a million times! Ok, maybe not a million but I am much like you and the insecurities are enough alone to eat you alive. I was in your boat about a month ago and decided to take my man back. I love him so much and he knows everything and is willing to work through it with me, thank goodness. Being without him only made me worse.
I think you just need to sit down and write him a letter. Do it when you are calm and relaxed and don't let it all be about the bad, put the good in there too. Just spill your guts to him and tell him what you've told us. Maybe, once he cools down, he will re-read it and call you up wanting to be friends. Or maybe he will tell you what you want to hear, you never know.
I know that with my depression and anxiety (which is extremely severe, I've lost 38 pounds in 2 months and have constant anxiety attacks), I tended to push him away when I would have these feelings and he in turn would get angry and it would cause a fight. I guess you just really need to sit down and think about what you REALLY want in life. Did you let him go because you felt like you weren't good enough? That isn't fair to him. And that's probably why he's so upset.
Honey, I know it's hard. I know it seems unbearable sometimes, but you have to push through it. I'm not telling you to take him back because I don't know your relationship, but I know from experience that it's alot easier to get through the hard times when you are with the one you love. Will you hate yourself later for letting him go?
Give him time to calm down. Give yourself time to think. Don't let any of your friends and family influence you and come to a decision all on your own. You are the only one that knows what's best for you. Message me anytime if you want to talk. I would even be willing to give you my number. Maybe we could help each other...cause I'm still not 'fixed' yet.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
14 Aug 09
Wow, Stephanie, it is sooo good to hear that there really are people who know exactly what this is like. This type of mental condition for lack of better terminology is by far the hardest thing to go through because if you can't be stable within yourself, nothing else can remain stable either. I didn't talk to him for 2 1/2 days, which is a really long time (LOL) but he had called yesterday while I was gone-caller ID told me so, but he didn't leave a message. Yes, of course I called him back and we talked a little bit and he came over and slept next to me all night, and I seemed to be kind of pieced back together. I have actually been away from him for over a week, and I got increasingly more sad and felt worse as the days went on. I guess things are hard at times with him, but it was way worse getting through the days without him.
@I_LUV_U (2519)
• India
14 Aug 09
I think you badly a need a long time off from these relationships. Nothing heals you like the time you give for oneself. My advise would be the same - take a big break to recuperate oneself, live in the present, enjoy your own company, keep nurturing your Being, for so long as till you are convinced you have grown stronger in the spirit. Also practice some breathing exercises like Pranayama (you get them on Youtube), our breath is directly linked to our emotions and by attending to your breath, you can certainly regulate your emotions. Be tough on yourself for a while, take a vow for a limited period of time, like, "I will not get into any new relationship for the next 6 months, come what may, and will be all with myself, doing things that I know could elevate me spiritually."
Ultimately, it is you yourself who can keep you happy and smiling, and if that is the case, why not invest all your time on oneself. It will be worthwhile and would bear no side-effects like getting hurt, guilt, regret etc. All the best!
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
14 Aug 09
Well, I really wonder why I can't find the ways to heal myself but it is a hard road, let me tell ya. I talked to him yesterday, and he said that he wants to be with me as well as be my friend and my sounding board. I think my heart is just so distraught, it makes any big decision with love a huge controversy. Why can't this just be easier?? LOL
@langleben (42)
• China
16 Aug 09
Hello princess! Have you ever watched some plants like vines or with bines? They usually live upon bracket's support. I guess you have found him as your bracket because he could solve so many problems and comfort you. That is very natural so please do not consider yourself guilty. Now that you decide to change, it could really be difficult. But take it easy. Like vinekind plants you may have two choices to get rid of the state.
Firstly, you could pursue another bracket. There must be someone who do like the feeling to be depended on. If you want to recover quickly, maybe you could try to move to a new circumstance. I had surferred a similar pain years ago, though in another kind of relationship. Whereever I went and what ever I saw made me think of the old times. Fortunately my family moved to another district. Everything was new and finally time cured the sad heart. Just try move.Maybe not faraway, but you really need a new beginning.
Second choice is a little more difficult. Some plants are vines when they are young. But as they grow up they live as trees. So just try to be a little more independent and try to solve your own problems. Remeber, sometimes problems are not trouble. So just let them be here and they will not hurt you. However, charackter changing is not so easy. But you could still try to find a new land of your spirit.
Anyway, it is up to you. Best wishes!
@mipen2006 (5528)
• Australia
13 Aug 09
Sorry princess, I can't offer you any advice here, but to get through the situation with the help of your therapist. I wish you the best of luck in these troublesome times.
@clorissa123 (4926)
• United States
13 Aug 09
I don't know how to give a wonderful advise to make you feel better. You have to work on your issue, or maybe lean on your fiance a little bit more for sake of comfort. You might find him such a wonderful guy to be trusted. You have to give him some confidence, or give yourself a chance to work your issue through with him. Both person to solve a problem better than one right. The final decision is up to you. You think that you can love him, trust him?
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
14 Aug 09
I read the whole discussion.and for me, it proves that you really love him because you didn't want him getting drag on with your inner personal problems, most specially if he can't really seem to find a solution to it. I considered that selfless love, and that is exactly what you did. 
fix yourself first is the best thing for you right now, and hopefully, either you go back to him when you're ok. or have some one else new.i don't think you should be guilty at all, although it does happen after a break up
.
@joygracia (1325)
• Philippines
14 Aug 09
Yeah. love is really difficult and the guilt makes it worst...
