Don't tell me how I feel

I can remember one specific incident very clearly. It happened with my MIL. Now, I will clarify that it happened years ago and I have forgiven her and moved on. She is a wonderful person and this was out of her norm. I tried to tell her one time how I felt about something. "When you do_____, it makes me feel _____" I had always heard that this was a pretty standard way of confronting a situation without seeming aggressive. Her response was an animated "What planet are you from?!" Wow! Did I get irate about that!! I had heard once that no one's feelings are ever wrong. So I try to approach my kid's in this way. I often say "It's ok to be mad, but that doesn't mean you can do _______ " (hitting, stomping, etc.) I hope that I do this most of the time. I have heard that telling your child that their feelings are invalid, can lead to them feeling invalid and frustrated in general. I suppose that I have gotten angry at my husband for his feelings a few times though. He is has a more melancholy temperment than I do. I have to remind myself that he just sees things differently than I do. I know that I have told him he was wrong to feel certain ways in the past. Over the years, I believe I have gotten better at this.

Dawn it is Wednesday not Friday. I"ll have to give this some thought but nobody has the right to tell me how I should think or feel. Especially as I am the one expereincing the thought and they emotion. Abusive ? Yep.

Yep, I got a good dose of invalidation early on when my mother took us for a day trip and on the way back she told me how I had fun... I got it at six years old and understood completely that she had no right to steal the fact that I did have fun but it wasn't fun when she told me I had fun, instead of asking. Some people can be so abusive, and those being abused just have to take it and deal with it... I'm not going to be invalidated like that... Even though I've been invalidated... Good for you to know these things...

I never have taken to people telling me what to do whether it's about the way i feel or whatever. How in the devil do they know how u feel. I don't care for bossy people especially if they are trying to boss me.

Do you like the movie "Titanic"?

Oh I hate this, most of the time they only want you to agree to something that will benefit them, not you, I really don't like when people do that to me, why do people do this, if I ask someone to do something and they said no, fine, I get angry when people do this to me,

It's how I was raised and I 'm probably guilty of doing it to my kids. My Dad said to me just the other week...you should know your own mind and act on it. I said nothing because firstly, I usually don't know my own mind and secondly lack of confidence and low self esteem are not conducive to achieving much. When I was young I was taught that women were not as important as men. Men were smarter, stronger and superior in every way to women. I was too scared of my Dad to question him or argue with him on these points so eventually I believed him totally. I was always told what to do, when to do it how to do it and why I was doing it. I was NOT encouraged to think for myself and make my own decisions and if ever I stuffed up I was thrashed. I realise now that lots of people have done this to me and I would always try to please everyone. Now I turn my back on them but I still feel my lack of backbone. Know where I can find a second hand spine in good working order?

i used to know somebody who asked me why i don't smile that often all the time. i finally told them "because they lock up people who smile all the time for no reason". i don't know what's worse-the ones who tell you how to feel, or the ones who insist they know how you feel,and then argue when you say it isn't.

Let's put it one way, people used to tryto tell me how I should be feeling, especially family members, but not any more. As a therapist, I call this "shouldism" and the basic fact is that nobody "should" do anything. In reality, there is always a choice. There will be consequences of each action (karma) that is true, but there is always a choice. The greatest gift to give anyone, is to give them the space to be who and how they are. - Derek

I dont get as annoyed as you, but I get really annoyed when my bf says, you should be happy cause were together. I obvoiusly AM happy that were together, but if at that very time Im having family troubles, job troubles, financial troubles, or anything going wrong and the only thing thats going the way I want it to in the relatinship I cant help but get stressed out or upset. It always helps to have him there when everythings going wrong, but give me a break when im going through a rough patch if Im not completely estatic

i hate when people tell me how i should feel, or if i tell them that i am sore they tell me it's in my head. and then they become doctors all at once.

Generally, I find that when people tell me I should feel happy, or shouldn't be upset about something, they are normally right. However, I also find that even though they are right, it also doesn't change how I feel. So it often is true... but doesn't help.

Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about. I hate it when someone assumes the way I feel, or tells me how I should feel, or should not feel. I had a friend who did exactly that...she would TELL me that I was unhappy, when I really wasn't. It always appeared that what SHE was feeling was the way we should all feel, and that every minute of the day, we should have a smile on our faces. If I am unhappy at one given moment, please let me have the one minute of unhappiness...I want to be able to feel all the emotions that we have, and not carry on a fake appearance for the sake of everyone else. If I am in a good mood, don't tell me I am silly, I have a right to express myself in any way I choose. It is those people who feel that we should be all like them at all times, is what irritates me the most.

Yep...I do try not to do that. And Yep, it does make me feel bad when it's done to me. I just didn't know it had a big fancy name like 'invalidation'.

No, I don't think they do. They know better. Sometimes hubby butts in and tells me what I think, though. Not intentionally, he just thinks he knows where a conversation or even just a sentence is going. He steps all over my thoughts and words, and then I give him what for, and he is good for just a little bit, then he does it again, oh well. You own your feelings and I own mine. Leave me alone and we'll be fine. Push me around and you will go down.

OMG that is one of my biggest pet peeves. I so know someone who does that and it drives me nuts. don't flipping tell me how i should feel or how i should act or react to something. Just because i don't do what you do doesn't make how i feel or my actions wrong!!! girl you done hit a nerve with me with this post. I so hate when people do this

LOLOL For sure! I have friends and family who do this constantly. Isn't funny how people who have NO idea what is actually going on in your life, are the ones that tell you how you should be feeling all the time or how you DO feel even though you don't. I am sure most of the time, they are trying to help, but there are sure days when it doesn't feel like it!!!

It's not something I've run into often, so when I do hear someone say "You should consider yourself lucky because..." I don't take it to mean anything. Maybe it will make me think about what I have to feel lucky for or happy for or whatever... or maybe I'll just ignore it and think "You try walking a mile in my shoes, then tell me what I have to be lucky for!!"

I have not had that happen. What i have had happen is some body telling me "F U and dont call me anymore". The reason was behind that is cell phone not ringing. So i was accused of screening calls and not wanting to answer. I should have saved the message because now he says he didnt say that. He says he is said "Im waiting for your call". Then when i repeated what he said to me he says that im changing his words. This is something he does all the time. Im tried of being kicked to the curb everytime he thinks things dont go right.

I don't think it is annoying if someone telling you such sweet words. Even do no telling me such words. In my opinion their is no big deal on it...have a great day!