How can you stop old Scars from Abuse?
@indiandevil (2410)
Canada
August 22, 2009 1:18pm CST
Hey all I come seeking advice once more. From 2003-2006, I was in a very abusive relationship. I expierenced every type of abuse imaginable on a daily basis.
He abused me physically, and I still to this day have scars to show that abuse.
He abused me sexually in any thing you can imagine it, from taking me when I didn't want it. When I was a sleep. he'd drug me, sometimes to get more of what he wanted at these times he'd record it i still to this day have no idea what he did with these.
But on top of all that its nothing to the amount of emotional abuse I had recieved from him. I have talked to a few other women who have been abused, and they all seem to know what I am still three years later going through. Though they seem to be the only ones who can fully understand this.
Nearly two years ago, I met a wonderful guy, and over the course of the time I have found myself falling more in love with him each day. I know he has feelings for me too. Though everytime we try and seem to be progressing. Something comes up and triggers the ghosts in my past to pour out.
What I mean by these "ghosts in my past" Is to this day, when something happens even if its small, the voice of my abuser still echoes laughter inside my mind. A constant pecking, nagging, taunting voice, that eats at me until I am convinced something is fact get upset about it, and freak out at my guy knowing full well it isn't true but can't control myself to stop, its like the hurt part of my soul takes over, me. I can see it happening, I want to not let it happen, I try to occupy myself with something else constant telling the echoing voice to shut up but it always seems to win in the end.
I will give you a example of what kind of thing will set it off, okay. This week wednesday night. I felt like my guy got angry with me, because I had talked to a friend of his and he had come up in the convo. needing someone to talk to I spoke with his best friend from online thursday about it. (I met this guy online myself, we live in different places though he was trying to make palns to come here)
Now this guy, knew my guy longer then I have, he knows alot about him, and I felt safe talking to him. However while he was talking to me, he unintentially put in my head that my guy doesn't want me in his life at all. He wants to keep me pure fantasy, and that he didnt believe, my guy had any real intentions on coming over and meeting me and seeing me at all. this alone wouldnt have bothered me.
However, that night I had been talking to my guy, he wanted me to try a game like second life, i did try took like 2 hrs to dl it, and then it wouldnt run right my pc couldn't handle it. he lost interest turned cam off said he was going bed. It felt like I had did something wrong. I hadn't slept since tuesday night once again I had been up all night wondering about it. By this time my mind kept going back to that conversation I had with his friend and remembering constantly what it said.
By friday I was extremely tired and tried reaching out to friends and family who knew what I had gone through but no one was around. I could now here the faint laughter of my abuser, and the common words he always used to say to me, however this time it was at the situation at hand. things like:
"haha I told you know one would ever want you around but me. Didn't I say you weren't worth anything. your just a stupid pig of a woman no one will ever want you.
No one cares about you because your stupid. Are you are to him is a little toy haha. Hes stringing you along while he has as much fun as he wants and all you are his little puppet. He knows your pathetic everyone knows your pathetic, I told you you'd never get better then me because pigs like you don't deserve it."
I constantly heard this Friday, and I tried to preoccupy my self with other things. Movies with my son, I tried to sleep a little bit, but my aunt came to my house and kept waking me to fight with me over a stupid computer.
I gave up trying to sleep and logged on line. He was on I did the same as I always have done on any day, and talked to him. I asked if he was there, he said he was. so I tried to talk to him got not much convo back, I asked him what he was doing, nothing I left him alone for a while and then was going to go get in tub and go to bed so I tried talking to him to see if I could get his attention long enough to at least say goodnight.
He told me then he was too busy to talk and I left him alone again. I sihned onto the game from the nights before webpage to try to figure out how to close membership to profile and uninstall game. My friends list was showing and it showed him as online. So again the constant negging ghostly echos of my past came back, lack of sleep and the events from last 3 days, I lost it and started with him. I wanted to stop it, but I couldnt control it I wanted to turn off my computer but I had no control left. I felt hurt, used betrayed lied to and worthless. more so when i checked his list and saw another girl on it.
I know I hurt him, I know its my fault, hes left me again, and I dont think hes ever gonna talk to me again let alone come back to me and truthfully I cant blame him if he doesn't.
Does anyone know how I can stop these scars from my past, coming at me, over something someone else says that may not even be true?
This echoing ghost, of a man whos not in my life anymore are still controling my life, taking away all that make me happy.
Please if you know of any site, that could help me work on them, help him deal and accept my problem and work on it with me, or any advice that you feel could help me at all...please I ask you out of the bottom of my broken soul, to share it with me.
He had talked to my cousin today, hes never done that, if there is a chance this time of saving us, and finally over coming this issue. I will take any advice on what could be done. Thank you in advance for listening, and ur replies if you have any at all.
4 responses
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
23 Aug 09
My first marriage was severely abusive and it took me many years to start pulling through it. I turned off men completely for numerous years too b/c I knew I couldn't trust anyone at that point. I worked solely on pulling myself together a little at a time. It sounds to me like you need to take time for you and work on building up your self esteem...otherwise your just going to keep repeating this cycle. Perhaps you could keep this relationship your working on just as friends while you try to repair your life. No expectations from either of you. I'd also strongly suggest some therapy...I know it's expensive but there are some free groups you can look up for battered women. It's a long slow road...
[b]~~AT PEACE WITHIN~~
**STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS**[/b]
@indiandevil (2410)
• Canada
24 Aug 09
I thought that too, and when he sent me the videos I could not remember in my email to try and force me to comeback, I called the cops who told me they couldn't do a thing unless he posted them on the internet, he also still has them in his possession.
Then again these same cops, didn't do anything when I had reported he had threatened to throw our son off a bridge, unless I did what he wished, In fact they told me to go home.
The only time they did anything at all was when he threw an ashtray in my face, and split open my eye, the only reason they did that was b/c the cop was a woman. They found his hashpipe at the residence as well, when they released him from jail they gave it back to him.
Nothing came of it even though they knew that he beat me and a child was involved not so much as social services ever crossed our doorway.
Infact social services tried to come after me 4 days after I left and again told me to go home, back to the abuse because the ones who took me in for a few days didnt exactly keep a completely clean house. Can you imagine??
"Oh this house isnt clean to our standards its a saftey hazard, go back to your abusive husband and wait till he kills you and your son."
I don't have much faith in the "system" these days.
@indiandevil (2410)
• Canada
24 Aug 09
Like to give you all a small update on what is going on. In addition to my cousin, my guy has also had a talk about him and I with his best friend, he requested all his friend tell me is that they talked. He has never talked to anyone about us at all so to me this is a good sign.
He contacted me the other night, to make sure I didn't think he wrote me off. It was brief but he said he'd talk to me later this week.
I am joining a self esteem group for women in my city, this wednesday. The email I sent to there, the one I recieved and my reply I forwarded it on to my guy, to ensure him I am doing something about this. Now all I can do is wait and work on it.
@bird123 (10643)
• United States
22 Aug 09
What a person believes is often what they become. Why do you still believe the abuse is your fault????? There is no excuse for a man to hit any woman. I have never hit a woman. Simply because a person says something doesn't make it true. The talk of not being good enough is not true. These are words he used to control you. You are a wonderful person. There is no one in the universe exactly like you!! You are special.Stop being a victim. When these thoughts and feelings come up, feel pity for him. He has hard lessons that will come his way. Quit walking on eggshells in your new relationship. True love will hang in there when you find it no matter what. You are worthy of love. Give unconditional love to all you meet. It will attract love back to you! Know that happiness is a choice only you can make. It is not dependant on others to bring it to you. Look in the mirror everyday. See your true beauty. Tell yourself so.The more you hear the real truth; the sooner you will see how special you really are!!!
@indiandevil (2410)
• Canada
22 Aug 09
Thank you, and I have thought I was over it all. I left him In 2006, and I never even tried to have a relationship until 2008. I thought that had given me enough time to heal. I guess I was wrong.
I have been with this guy since then off and on and once again I find us off. Only thing is the other times I didn't know how he felt as he never told me any reason as to why or show how he felt about me at all, that confusion added to more questions, which added to more pain, hurt not understanding why he walked.
This time I know he really does love me, and that means more, and I agree that this needs to be fixxed, before we can even try.
I really do think with him it is true love. If he didn't love me at all, he would have walked away back in 2008 not continue to hang around, constantly trying to make it work.
I just hope hes got ebough Patience and forgivness, to stay around this time.
@Jathop3 (42)
• United States
23 Aug 09
I think If he loves you, he will stay around. It is not easy to stay around people who emotionally scarred. I've been abused as well, although not by my boyfriend, but by my parents. It is definitely heart breaking to have someone you love and expect to love you, treat you horribly. But we survived, it makes us stronger. Believe in yourself more then anything. Time will help healing, but most of all...forgiveness. As hard as it sounds, so long as you haven't forgive and hold grudge over it, you will never find peace. I apologize If it sounds like I'm preaching.
But, hey, it's hard to trust people afterwards. But do try to love yourself above anything else before you decide to put your trust other people or try to love other people.
@indiandevil (2410)
• Canada
23 Aug 09
You don't sound like your preaching at all, your doing what I asked of you you all are. it is highly appreciated to know that. I find though that the only way I can heal is to have myself tell someone all the things hidden deep within my soul about that time in order to forgive it.
It is hard for me to do so where I live, considering that my mother works in the only counseling place in the city and that alone forbids me to be able to seek help there.
@vikkiz (518)
•
23 Aug 09
I think with will power some abusive men can change. I know how you must feel but you are ruining your life with your fear of men, you need to conquer this fear and only then will you feel complete.
I myself was too in an abusive relationship but the funniest part is im still with him! He changed because he know he had to he also changed because he knew id fight back! Men who abuse women are always cowards and the more you let them take advantage the more they will scrape away from you.
I know you might think its bizarre waht im saying i know very well that some women cant get away from their abusive partners and that they are so brainwashed into thinking they are worthless that they have nowhere to go.
I know this isnt the best advice anyone can give but this is how i did it, after putting up with his shoving a pushing and shouting and screaming when he didnt get his own way i evenually snapped and hit him over the head with an ashtray, i then moved back to my mothers and stayed their for over a month i told him he had to change his ways or it would be over for good and i wasnt messing about. It obviously sunk in somewhere as 5 years on and he knows when to back down! Im not saying we dont have heated arguments but their isnt anymore abuse.
On the other hand my sister in law was in a very very bad relationship he raped,hit, scolded,and kicked into brainwashment no matter how hard the family tryed to get her away he would get to her again and again. There was even an incident where they police though he had killed her when they found all over her house but no body, we were in complete worry as we though he had finally killed her.
Mind you with our progressive help she has finally left him and has been single now for a year, the council have also put her in a secure flat which locks itself up in case of a threat.
Like i said before i know its hard if you havnt got the strength or the time to fight back but if you do it would make the whole load of difference. By disallowing yourself a happy life with this man because of your ex you are letting him win, he never wanted you with anyone else he wanted you to himself but even though your not with him he still has a hold on you.
release those chains and let go with this man youll find it was the best thing you ever did, FACE YOUR FEAR!.
@indiandevil (2410)
• Canada
23 Aug 09
Yes, I agree that, I do have to move on and let go to be happy with this guy, and more ppl have stood up and showed me support on this as well as my own four year old son.
I haven't realized how many friends I truly have. The best friend, has also came forward and texted him, telling him he believes that something he may have said to me may have triggered my issues. and that accidentially he is responsible for the break up.
Only time will tell as he is not speaking to me at thje moment he has asked me for some space, least a week, however I intend to give him as much time as he wants, I will wait for him to come to me. Because I feel that we been through this many times in the past. He hasn't left then and I don't feel he will now. I know he loves me and knowing that is more important to me then anything else.
