What should i do?! HELP!!
By x_Jo_x
@x_Jo_x (1040)
August 23, 2009 4:07pm CST
Hey all!
Right, this is the situation:-
My last relationship was crap, my ex was a pig, domestically violent and it was a really horrible time of my life in which i lost several of my close friends and rarely spoke to the friends i did have simply because my ex "Didnt want me to" and all my attention had to go on him. Like seriously, he would say things like "Send me 10 text and hour or else" and i would HAVE to sit and do it, cos i was too scared of what he would do.
Anyway, luckily thats over now and im enjoying freedom at the moment. Recently my friend introduced me to this guy online. We get on really well, and our relationship is slowely progressing lol. We have met a few times now, but still just "Good Friend" - mainly due to the fact im really not sure whats going on in my head still. After everything, im still not really feeling ready for a proper relationship right now. I know he'd never do anything like that to me, but it still takes a lot of getting used to.
He sent me this email today, a general message about our relationship and things.
Basically, he keeps saying online that he will stop talking to friends or playing games and things to talk to me and spend time with me, which is great! And nice and sweet and everything. But i dont want him to feel like he has to do that. I dont want him to drop everything for me, he shouldnt have to and its not something i would ever force him to do. But i try telling this him whenever he mentions it. Not in a very direct way, because i dont want him to feel like i dont want to talk to him. And this may sound horrible, but i dont want to feel like i have to drop everything for him. Ive had enough of that to last me a lifetime lol, but the more he goes on about it im finding myself feeling guilty if im not online much to talk to him. He is also asking about my feelings about our relationship, i dont know what to say. I dont feel like i want a relationship right now but at the same time i dont want to push him away and i dont want to hurt his feelings or anything.
Im going to send him and email reply, so ive got a bit of time to plan out what i want to sey exactly. I really want to sum up what im feeling but put it in a nice way, and im not exactly sure how to phrase it all.
What do you think? Any advice would be good!!
1 person likes this
10 responses
@kitty42 (3923)
• United States
24 Aug 09
Hi x_jo_x,
Kudos to you for getting out of the other relationship 
, after reading what you are saying about this guy,yes he sounds nice and all, but it sounds like he is putting unwanted pressure on you, and you don't need that right now, I would tell him I like you, and would love for us to be friends, but I need time, I need time to get to know me, jumping into something right now will only end hurting us both, we need to take things slow, so we can figure out how we feel and what it is we want, can you understand that? if he can't take that then kick him to the curb as well, 
I will not talk to my friends, I will do whatever you want me to do, what does he sound like, you don't need that, if he don't want to be friends then oh well,I am sure he knows what you been through now he wants you to treat him the way you were treated, or worse he may be worse then the man you were with, I mean why say I will not talk to my friends, who says that? how old is he? I don't know, this is just my take on what I read, maybe I need to clean my glasses.
I wish you the best, whatever you decide I hope you are happy. 
, after reading what you are saying about this guy,yes he sounds nice and all, but it sounds like he is putting unwanted pressure on you, and you don't need that right now, I would tell him I like you, and would love for us to be friends, but I need time, I need time to get to know me, jumping into something right now will only end hurting us both, we need to take things slow, so we can figure out how we feel and what it is we want, can you understand that? if he can't take that then kick him to the curb as well,
I will not talk to my friends, I will do whatever you want me to do, what does he sound like, you don't need that, if he don't want to be friends then oh well,I am sure he knows what you been through now he wants you to treat him the way you were treated, or worse he may be worse then the man you were with, I mean why say I will not talk to my friends, who says that? how old is he? I don't know, this is just my take on what I read, maybe I need to clean my glasses.
I wish you the best, whatever you decide I hope you are happy. 2 people like this
@x_Jo_x (1040)
•
24 Aug 09
Ahh i think you are slightly misunderstading what he meant, probably my fault, i maybe worded it wrong. What he means is that he thinks he spends too much time talking to his friends and not enough talking to me, like he is ignorning me and i'll get fed up and go away. Which is silly! If he goes too much the other way and is there 24/7 talking to me i would probably just get annoyied and fed up then! He is just basically trying to say he wants to spend more time with me, which isnt necessarily a bad thing but i know what you mean, it could easily turn into a bad thing! He wouldnt ever be violent to me though, i know that much! So he could never be worse than my ex. Thank you for your advice though if things start to make me feel uncomfortable i will certainly tell him to back off and bit
if things start to make me feel uncomfortable i will certainly tell him to back off and bit
@langleben (42)
• China
24 Aug 09
Congrats on your new begining relationship. Man and woman think different. Man focuses on the result, while woman is more concerned about the process. Your friend maybe too desired to have a solution of your relationship because he found you suitable. But you are not ready or you are just not sure whether the process is correct and long enough. That is right for both of you.
I think if you show him the existence of different thinking styles and your minds straightly, he will appreciate your kindness and see further. Anyway, he is a good guy, isn't he? Please donot make him feel like a loser but give him hopes. One day, when you are ready, you may establish a happy new world. Best wishes.
1 person likes this
@x_Jo_x (1040)
•
24 Aug 09
i never looked at it that way before, that men focus on the result and women focus on the process. It does seem very true though! I guess that is exactly what he is thinking lol, he is focusing on the result (A relationship) and not so much on working towards it! And yep i will try to be as kinda as possible, i think he will understand, he is very kind like that. Thank you for your help
@kitty42 (3923)
• United States
24 Aug 09
Hi From one Woman to another I apologize 
I think I said I might have been reading this wrong, after spending x amount of hours here on mylot,a misinterpretation or two is bound to happen, in this case I am glad I was wrong, I wish you the best, you deserve nothing but the best, I hope he is the one that can give you that, when I read about what you were going through with your ex, I went right into protection mode, one of the posters here posted something about a woman she knew online was going through abuse with her husband, she spoke to her the day before only to learn after that this woman not only lost her life to her abuser, her child lost their life as well, so reading what you went through, my mind kinda took things the wrong way, was not what you wrote, it was what I read, you understand what I mean. 
I am so glad your life is better and you did find someone who could possibly be the 1, I hope in this case he is, and that the two of you are very happy, I would take my time we always need to sure, whatever you decide I am sure things will work out for the best Have a great day,thanks for the response, this is one of those post that I really wanted to hear from the poster, thanks for getting back to me so soon, I again I am sorry.
I think I said I might have been reading this wrong, after spending x amount of hours here on mylot,a misinterpretation or two is bound to happen, in this case I am glad I was wrong, I wish you the best, you deserve nothing but the best, I hope he is the one that can give you that, when I read about what you were going through with your ex, I went right into protection mode, one of the posters here posted something about a woman she knew online was going through abuse with her husband, she spoke to her the day before only to learn after that this woman not only lost her life to her abuser, her child lost their life as well, so reading what you went through, my mind kinda took things the wrong way, was not what you wrote, it was what I read, you understand what I mean.
I am so glad your life is better and you did find someone who could possibly be the 1, I hope in this case he is, and that the two of you are very happy, I would take my time we always need to sure, whatever you decide I am sure things will work out for the best Have a great day,thanks for the response, this is one of those post that I really wanted to hear from the poster, thanks for getting back to me so soon, I again I am sorry.1 person likes this
@x_Jo_x (1040)
•
24 Aug 09
Awwww its ok, dont worry! Yep all my defenses are up too lol. Ive heard some horrible stories as well. It must be the worst feeling in the world to know someone who is in a violent relationship and then them just suddenly not be there anymore. And it must be so much worse if there is children. Luckily i dont have any, for me - if id become pregnant i would have left him straight away! I could never bring a child into a life like that!
@vandana7 (100603)
• India
24 Aug 09
I find it strange, even though we flee from the same type of relationship, we again end up with similar personalities! Dont u think? Well, if he is saying he will stop talking to his friends he has already indicated to u that his options are still open. At least that is what I read in between lines. He is softly threatening u, if u dont make up ur mind about me baby, I am going away with some other babe. How different is that from ur previous relationship? And u r right about people not having to lose friends when they enter a relationship. Frinds more often than not provide the required sand and cement to hold the brick wall together. So any relationship without them would be headed to boredom. But having said all this, we still need to give the guy a fair chance. Who knows, he might be just the right boy for u, and slightly immature in his way of expressing his desperation. Do meet him a few times. check how u feel. Watch for any symptoms of previous relationship. If u find any, dump him, even if u like him. If not, give him another chance. Hopefully, things clear up and u both have a right solution on ur hands. :-)
@x_Jo_x (1040)
•
24 Aug 09
yeah, i dont think he meant it in that way. I get what you mean though, and i totally agree, people do tend to go for similar types, but he is very different from my ex and i doubt very much he meant anything violent/controlling in what he said. I think he just means that he feels he has been ignoring me and talking to his friends much more than he has me, which is a bit true - we have been talking less in the last few weeks that we were before. But what i want to try and get across is that that is ok, i dont need constant attention or anything. He feels guilty i think, like if he doesnt give me all this attention i will get fed up and go away, which wont happen! I just need to somehow try and make him see that. Thank you for your comment though. I certainly will be very careful and at even the slightest little thing similar to last time i will get out of the relationship. im NOT going through what i went through before, and i would rather be safe than sorry. And if i choose to go out with him he will be warned that even just one thing, he wont get another chance!
@cmullenix (9)
• United States
24 Aug 09
I was once in a violent relationship and it took years to gain my self esteem back. I've a trust issues that I thought I would never get through. If you don't feel like you can be your own person with or without someone, you're not ready for a long term relationship. You have to live your life for you first and foremost. The rest will fall in line. I promise, when the right guy comes along, you will not be expecting it. My husband is my bestfriend first above every other aspect in our marriage. Communications is truly the best thing for a relationship. Hang in there!
1 person likes this
@x_Jo_x (1040)
•
24 Aug 09
Awww thank you! Its nice to hear that you can actually move on from things like this! And yep i think i just have so many desicions to make in my life and so much to do still, im only 18 so have my whole life ahead of me still. I just feel like i need a bit of "Me time" rather than having to think about "me" and then a relationship aswell! I hope it is easy when the right guy shows up though!I still feel like a lot of the issues i have might not go away. Im also worried about ones suddenly developing that im not aware of yet. Thank you for your help! Hope you have a nice day!
@diwakarraghavan (76)
• India
24 Aug 09
hey i jus know one thing! no guy is dependable and guys online are more so. sure enuf dis guy u have met can turn out to be a real exception but the odds are surely against u.i know dis how? cos i am a guy. he sure seems like a sweet guy! for starters i am tellin u somethin dat is all guys try to do in the beginning! try to be funny or try to be sweet. u can really say if u try hard enuf whether he is a faker or not. i am not sayin spy on him of anythin, but givem dat u have jus been out of a relationship its best to be safe dan sorry.well coming to the reply mail jus tell him dat u think he is sweet but make ur intentions clear. tell him playfully dat its not like u are committed so why give up our freedom? tell him dat u want him to be as free as u want urself to be and dat u are not really dat important,try to make him say something which would really give u an idea as to wat is goin on in dat head of his....tell him sure we are having a good time but it does not have to come at the cost of anything else.if he is a regular guy he wud say things like u seem to be important to him dan anything else and dat he feels u are his priority.if dats his answer then u bettr keep away from him for gud because its not going to br gud for either of u
@x_Jo_x (1040)
•
24 Aug 09
Yep it is better to be safe than sorry i agree. I will be very carefull because there is no way im going through a relationship like my last one again. I will just be totally honest with him, if i dont like something or feel uncomfortable i will just say it. And yep guys can be really unreliable and things, as long as i bare that in mind and tread very very carefully i think it will be ok. If necessary take a few steps back every now and again just to make sure im happy with things. He's going to have to accept it needs to go a bit slower and my pace, if he cant do that then it is never going to work
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Aug 09
hello well I would sort of check what you wrote to us'then
make it sweet but clear that for now you need his friendship'
while you find yourself again.after whatyou have beentrhough
it would be hard to trust anyman again so you need a littletime and make him feel you really do care for him but need to take'things
a little slower.tell him you want to keep your friendship going'as its veryimportant to you.
@x_Jo_x (1040)
•
24 Aug 09
yep thats the sort of message i want to get across! Just that i really value his friendship but dont one anything more right at the moment. Not saying NEVER! Just i still need some time to get over things. I think any person can understand that, and if they cant then they are not worth it! Thank you for your advice
@x_Jo_x (1040)
•
24 Aug 09
Yeah i think he really genuinly does want to help me. I will keep him included. I basically said "I dont feel ready for a relationship, still need to sort some things out in my head. I dont want to start a relationship and then have to end it, Hope you can understand that. But i do really like you, and love spending time with you" had a few other bits in there aswell but cant remember them! hehe, thank you for the comment! It means a lot and really helped
@kitty42 (3923)
• United States
24 Aug 09
Hi
If he cares for you the way he seems too, I believe he will understand, take your time, you really need that, but in the process include him on what you are thinking/doing as long as he feels he is apart of what you are dealing with he should have no problem taking things a little slow, all the best to you ,
relationships are scary when they are new, coming out of the relationship you were in only makes it even scarier,I feel you will be fine, why because you are not jumping into this with both feet, you want to make sure you are making the right choices, thats a good thing.
If he cares for you the way he seems too, I believe he will understand, take your time, you really need that, but in the process include him on what you are thinking/doing as long as he feels he is apart of what you are dealing with he should have no problem taking things a little slow, all the best to you ,
relationships are scary when they are new, coming out of the relationship you were in only makes it even scarier,I feel you will be fine, why because you are not jumping into this with both feet, you want to make sure you are making the right choices, thats a good thing. 1 person likes this
@x_Jo_x (1040)
•
23 Aug 09
Yep but i'd feel so bad! And im not going to drop everything for him, so i wouldnt expect him to do it for me! I get what you mean, at the end of the day it is his choice but it would still make me feel bad because it is for me that he is choosing to do these things
@glambank (217)
• United States
23 Aug 09
Congratulations on your freedom. You have been through a lot with your past relationship and just because its over between your ex and you, doesn't mean you are ok. You need time heal. You may need counseling. Your new friend should understand this and take it slow.
1 person likes this
@oztoo3 (25)
• Australia
23 Aug 09
Sorry you had such a bad time with your previous relationship. It will take a while to get over it. This new guy sounds to me like he is more serious than you are. He sounds like a nice guy but I really don't think your ready for Any kind of serious relationship right now.
You have to be honest with him. Tell him you like him but just want to be friends. If he is as nice as he seems to be he will understand and back off. You have to put YOU first at the moment. Do what's best for you. If you don't you'll regret it.
Hope this helps. Good Luck.
1 person likes this
@x_Jo_x (1040)
•
23 Aug 09
Thank you! That really does help! I think you are right, he is wanting a bit more than i am right now. He did say in the email that he is happy with the way things are aswell. So i think the best thing i can do is just be honest with him, like you say. And yep, I think after everything i just need a break lol, have some fun and freedom! Thank you for the advice, i will put myself first Have a nice day! And thanks again
Have a nice day! And thanks again