Sometimes you have to break someone's heart to make yourself whole...
By patofgold23
@patofgold23 (5069)
Philippines
September 2, 2009 10:39am CST
I haven't been in any relationship for about 3 years now... And I am happy with how things are. I do get lonely sometimes too. And when I think of the last relationship I was in, I still feel the pain. But then I just take a deep breath, think of something else, and I can manage to feel okay (at least so...)
I had to break up with my EX years ago because that was the most difficult time of my life. Time was so tough.
My son needs me. My mom needs me. My sister needs me. And I can't let them down. My boyfriend didn't have a job that time most of the time rely on me for money. I couldn't save everybody as I need help myself. I couldn't handle everything any longer. And my boyfriend seem to slow me down and even causes me more worries and problems.
I figured that if it has to go on, I could never move forward and will always be on the same spot as I was years ago. There are so many things I want to do with my life, for my son, for my family... but having my boyfriend around affects my decisions one way or another since I feel I have to consider him everytime.
I broke up with him and told him "I needed myself back". It was painful for both of us, but i stood by my decision... it hurt so bad I think I was gonna die. He tried to win me back but I had to be strong, else things will never change.
I tried to move on..I kept myself busy...too busy in fact. All my hard work did pay off. I was making money..not lots of it though, but I was able to help my mom in so many ways.. I was even able to buy her a ticket from CA to Philippines and back to spend Christmas here. I got her a nice mobile phone for Christmas too.
I helped my sister pay for her parking tickets, rent, and some money for her son...
I got my son the computer he wanted, PSP, a cool mobile phone and decent food and clothes...
I do not get myself anything at all... just once in a while maybe... I do not shop much. I use a simple mobile phone, I drive a second hand car... i do reward myself form time to time with trips to the salon... but that's the most I will do for myself.
My son, my mom, my sister:They are so dear to me and everytime I see them happy is twice the happiness I feel deep inside...
My EX and I still keep in touch from time to time but we seldom see each other as he lives on a different province.
On quiet times, I sit back... and I think about my EX, and still makes me cry.. OH God I miss him!!!!
But I am not ready for him yet...my family still needs me!
Is it right to think that somtimes we hav to let go of someone who matters to us not because we want to ..but because we need to:??
I thought I made the right decision to let go of the person I love to be there for my family...and I do not regret it up to now. I just feel lonely and end up feeling sorry for myself...I always take care of the people around me, but who is taking care of me?
I broke his heart, so i can make myself whole... I got what I wanted... Not everything really...but I'm almost there...
But i do not feel like im WHOLE... some pieces of me are missing....
4 people like this
17 responses
@tigeraunt (6326)
• Philippines
2 Sep 09
reading your discussion made me teary eyed because i am able to relate to what you are going through and feel. but there is always that hope of time healing the wounds. it is going to take time.... i pray that you find all those missing pieces and you feel complete again.
ann
1 person likes this
@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
2 Sep 09
Hi ann... Thank you so much... Words like such give me more encouragement and somehow justifies my decisions
..convinces me I am doing the right thing.
I am very hopeful that there is something in store for me...it's just not yet the time for that. But I know it will come...
For now, I would have to live with this situation as it is what needs the best of my attention and time... my family...
1 person likes this
@tigeraunt (6326)
• Philippines
3 Sep 09
right. think that life has a lot more to offer and move on. best wishes to you pat.
ann
@TheAmilet (52)
• Philippines
9 Sep 09
I admire the courage you have patofgold23.not all people can make the same sacrifice you made...
you are SELFLESS! but you know...all the sacrifice you made..will come back to you tenfold.and you will find your own ha[pines. I wish you luck.and i want to tell you i admire you!
@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
9 Sep 09
thanks a lot amilet..your words mean a lot to me...
thank you for the kind words...
@ElicBxn (63643)
• United States
3 Sep 09
Pat, honey, he's a user. Sure, he can make you feel good, some times, but he's not really there for you, he's there for himself.
Leaving him hurts, sure, but MAYBE it'll make him stand on his own feet, instead of standing on YOUR back.
I would, as the Bible says, kick the dust of that place off your feet and walk away. No, it won't feel good, but it is the BEST thing you can do, both for yourself, and for him.
Fact is that either he will grow up and become a MAN, instead of a LEACH, or he will find some one else to suck dry like the vampire he is.
@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
3 Sep 09
Hi Elic..The truth is..I actually felt that way more than a few times in our relationship..we were together for a little over than 3 years, and he was the closest among the guys I have dated in the past.. (even the one I dated for 5 years..) the relationship we had was the most special.
At times I feel like he's using me, it hurts me... yet I know how things are here too... not much opportunities and in as much as anyone want to be stable here, it is not that easy to do...
He did finish his nursing studies though, and recently, he passed the Licensure exam.. like me, he is a nurse now too... But nurses don't get rich in my country.and it is not easy to get a paying job... hipsitals exploit nurses and make them volunteer for about a year before giving them a paid position.. I have been there... I worked my way up from volunteer, to contractual until i got a regular spot.
But going back...
It's really odd, that everytime the thought of him using me crosses my mind, it hurts me, but I justify his actions myself... I believe because I have known him so well already.
...and sometimes, i guess I love him so much that i am willing to be blind and deaf about it, just to have him beside me.He does make me really happy...and i mmiss him so much... I think about him and I know 3 years I was with him was among the happiest moments of my life......
Right now.. I know I did the right thing...
But I miss him sooo bad...
Time heals all wounds...
3 years have passed.
But i still cry like we broke up yesterday............
1 person likes this
@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
3 Sep 09
that's tru Elic...it's sad how people have to leave their own land to find something better for themselves...
they have to search somewhere else just to feed their loved ones...
1 person likes this
@lumenmom (1986)
• United States
2 Sep 09
It is always somewhat painful to break up with someone who you have been in relationship with even if it is the right thing to do. You are whole, in that you made the best healthy decision you could make for yourself and what you may be going through is the normal grieving process that occurs when there is a loss. In time you find that you begin to fill the empty spaces with more healthy things and people and before you know it you will feel whole again. Thenyou may be ready to partner with someone who can be of support to you. I commend you for realizing he was holding you back and leaving. Many people don't leave and end stuck in an unfullfilling relationship most of their life. The one thing you may want to do is allow your family to help themselves more. It is okay to help out but there's a fine line between helping and enabling. You are not responsible to support everyone!
1 person likes this
@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
2 Sep 09
Hi lumenmom! Thanks for the very nice words... and I agree to every single thing you said there... I try to be as strong as i can, since that is what everybody is expecting from me. But they have no idea how I want to fall apart sometimes.. I just hold on as much as I could coz it is the only thing that's left to do. I can't allow myself to give in to my emotions at this point of my life.. Not yet...
I will be 31 next month and I don't even know until when I can start thinking about myself. Be in a relationship again. And loosen up once in a while.
I find happiness when i see my family happy and okay. I can't stand to be okay and comfortable when they are not.
But thank you... you belive I am whole. That gave me a lot of encouragement...
1 person likes this
@PeacefulWmn9 (10420)
• United States
2 Sep 09
What you say is very true...sometimes we have to break another's heart to do what we need to do.
I find it sad, though, that you do so little to help care for YOU. I think now would be a wise time to begin factoring in yourself along with all those others for whom you care.
I had to make a difficult decision to "save myself" too, but for me, living alone was very freeing, the right thing to do. When lonely, it is good to invite others to visit you or go out for lunch, dinner, etc. when you can.
And there is surely nothing wrong with dating until you are ready to enter something more permanent. Just make sure the ground rules are set from the very start!
I wish you the best.
Karen@PeacefulWmn9 (10420)
• United States
3 Sep 09
As long as you are doing what is best for you in the moment, that is good. And while we live and breathe, it is never too late to hope for or seek personal happiness, with an old love or a new one.
Best of all wishes,
Karen@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
2 Sep 09
You are right Karen... I have deprived myself from so many things for sometime now... and I don't even date...
If I want to date, I want to be with myEX because I have to admit, the feeling never went away... I pretend to be strong and disregard my feelings... but I guess i can't lie to myself.. It's been some time but the mere thoguht of him makes me cry...
I'd rather not go out and date coz I would only think of my EX....and somehow I am saving myself for him...
Yet I am afraid that if I see my EX more often too (which I can't since he doesn't live close), we might get serious again and I am not ready for any commitment right now that my family needs me this much..
I would have to put myself last on my list for this is the best thing to do for now... I know though, that there is something in store for me....and I deserve to be happy too... When that time will come, I guess it's not yet too late...
1 person likes this
@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
3 Sep 09
thanks for the best wishes Karen.. i wish you all the good things in life too!!!
1 person likes this
@kitty42 (3923)
• United States
3 Sep 09
Hello my wonderful friend
You know I saw this earlier and I said I will wait so this way I can give my undivided attention I am so glad I did , you remind me so much of myself in so many ways my family means the world to me as well and I always put their needs ahead of my own and this could be good/bad I will always do for my mom no matter what she is my mother but sometimes I ask myself who is doing anything for me, see in my case my family does not appreciate what I do the act like I am suppose to do these things and this is not true anyway I can go on/on/no/no you get the point no matter what my mom is my hreat and soul so makes no sense complaining because I am going to do for her no matter what.
You said your boyfriend was not helping you so the pressure was too much so you had to make a choice and you decided he had to go, that must have been really hard and I applaud you for being able to make such a tough decision so its been three years and you find yourself missing him so now you need to ask yourself can he help me? will he be able to take away some of the pressures I still face after you ask yourself these questions then you decide from there what needs to be done, you obviously have alot of love for this man if you are still in love with him after 3 years maybe this time around things will be much better I want you to be happy its hard being alone 3 years is a long time my friend, I think you should do whatever it is you feel in your heart is best for you and your son, you have the career now you need someone that can possible help you decide to further that career by moving somewhere where the pay is much higher and you can do even more for your family sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders I believe whatever you decide will be the best choice for you, whenever you need to vent we are here for you my friend I wish you all the best I know things will work out for you I am sure of it. you know your friend kitty will always be here.
You know I saw this earlier and I said I will wait so this way I can give my undivided attention I am so glad I did , you remind me so much of myself in so many ways my family means the world to me as well and I always put their needs ahead of my own and this could be good/bad I will always do for my mom no matter what she is my mother but sometimes I ask myself who is doing anything for me, see in my case my family does not appreciate what I do the act like I am suppose to do these things and this is not true anyway I can go on/on/no/no you get the point no matter what my mom is my hreat and soul so makes no sense complaining because I am going to do for her no matter what.
You said your boyfriend was not helping you so the pressure was too much so you had to make a choice and you decided he had to go, that must have been really hard and I applaud you for being able to make such a tough decision so its been three years and you find yourself missing him so now you need to ask yourself can he help me? will he be able to take away some of the pressures I still face after you ask yourself these questions then you decide from there what needs to be done, you obviously have alot of love for this man if you are still in love with him after 3 years maybe this time around things will be much better I want you to be happy its hard being alone 3 years is a long time my friend, I think you should do whatever it is you feel in your heart is best for you and your son, you have the career now you need someone that can possible help you decide to further that career by moving somewhere where the pay is much higher and you can do even more for your family sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders I believe whatever you decide will be the best choice for you, whenever you need to vent we are here for you my friend I wish you all the best I know things will work out for you I am sure of it. you know your friend kitty will always be here.@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
3 Sep 09
you are a true person Kitty...and I could see you have been through so much in life as well.. i can feel how you could relate to my hurts and struggles...
and it seems you know so much better than I do, and I value your advises so much....it means a lot to me...
@kitty42 (3923)
• United States
3 Sep 09
Hello my friend
I feel your pain sweety its so hard when we love our family so much I just want you to be happy my friend if you are not happy in all reality how can you make others happy? you have to think of your son as well don't you know he can feel what you are feeling as well I know its hard but sometimes we have to say you know what I have to put me first cause by the sounds of things you are not going in the direction you should be going and that is only going to take a toll on you emotionally then what? what happens when you are so emotionally drained you can't do the things you seem to feel are important to you at this time, we must remember if we don't put our feelings first then we are of no use to others because in time its going to affect you in ways that you may end up resenting the people you love the most, I have been there done that when it comes to my family but in the end I was depressed and lonely with no one to turn too, you have a fabulous career and if you just think of yourself and all the wonderful things you can do, if you put yourself first for a little bit you can do so much more for your family, I am sure there are things we don't know and this may be the reason why you seem so adamant about doing what is best for your family but in the end my friend if you are unhappy what is all of this for? I know how you feel god knows I do but I learned the hard way I want you to think of yourself please
I feel your pain sweety its so hard when we love our family so much I just want you to be happy my friend if you are not happy in all reality how can you make others happy? you have to think of your son as well don't you know he can feel what you are feeling as well I know its hard but sometimes we have to say you know what I have to put me first cause by the sounds of things you are not going in the direction you should be going and that is only going to take a toll on you emotionally then what? what happens when you are so emotionally drained you can't do the things you seem to feel are important to you at this time, we must remember if we don't put our feelings first then we are of no use to others because in time its going to affect you in ways that you may end up resenting the people you love the most, I have been there done that when it comes to my family but in the end I was depressed and lonely with no one to turn too, you have a fabulous career and if you just think of yourself and all the wonderful things you can do, if you put yourself first for a little bit you can do so much more for your family, I am sure there are things we don't know and this may be the reason why you seem so adamant about doing what is best for your family but in the end my friend if you are unhappy what is all of this for? I know how you feel god knows I do but I learned the hard way I want you to think of yourself please@kitty42 (3923)
• United States
3 Sep 09
Hello my friend
And this is what make you the amazing person I knew when I first read one of your post, but what I am saying is if you went somewhere maybe somewhere not to far from where you are that actually pays nurses what they are worth you would make so much more and be able to help them with out struggling at all, I never want you to turn your back on them no way, but more income would make things easier for all of you, do you fell if you leave where you live now you will be abandoning them? you will still help just not in the flesh, I am just trying to come up with ideas to make it easier for you, nurses are in such high demand you will not have a problem finding work, I don;t know my friend I feel really bad for you
And this is what make you the amazing person I knew when I first read one of your post, but what I am saying is if you went somewhere maybe somewhere not to far from where you are that actually pays nurses what they are worth you would make so much more and be able to help them with out struggling at all, I never want you to turn your back on them no way, but more income would make things easier for all of you, do you fell if you leave where you live now you will be abandoning them? you will still help just not in the flesh, I am just trying to come up with ideas to make it easier for you, nurses are in such high demand you will not have a problem finding work, I don;t know my friend I feel really bad for you 
@chiyosan (30183)
• Philippines
6 Sep 09
i was in your exact position a few years ago. i had to prioritize my family and forget that i do have a life of my own. you know, you have to make your family understand that you have to live your life for you and not for them anymore. there are a lot of things that they should understand about them letting you go and find your happiness. as much as we want to be always there for our family we just cannot do that not because we want to, but because that is what we need to let our families know. we can't be there for them forever and they have to accept that fact.
when you find the courage to let your parents and family understand that you love them but would need to find your own happiness, the right person for you will come. the one who will understand your attachment to your family and of course the one who will aceept you and support you. we will never know if that is the person whom you have to give up now but take this time as your preperatory time so you will be ready to be committed the next time you face with her. goodluck in your search for your happiness.
@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
6 Sep 09
hi there chiyo...
everything you said is true, and i truly appreciate that...
i have that at the back of my mind...but my heart is not ready to turn my back on my family...they truly need me...
i can never be happy when my family isn't...
i know i would have to start to think of myself...
i guess now is just not the time for that..
i want to let loose sometimes...but It's hard...i love my family too much.,..
and i dont mind sacrificing more of myself...
i do want to be happy really... i guess it will come at the right time...
@grecychunny26 (9483)
• Philippines
8 Sep 09
Pato sorry to hear from you.but i don't feel any regrets coming from you. Anyway if you and him are really meant for each other , destiny will do anything to bring you back together. My advice, don't wait for it, let love moves in a mysterious ways, ayie! Me, haven't been there, although I know the feeling of being inlove and have a broken heart, but I haven't done something to break someone's heart to have myself back again. Mine is this, when I am inlove, I know when is the time it becomes excessive and when my whole world revolves around him, only thinking about him ( haven't experienced being in a relaionship), When I realized it , I change it quickly. to do the things that must be done and to composed myself to be like what you said, a whole.
@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
8 Sep 09
hi there my good friend grecy...i can see you have a lot of control over your emotions..it is a good thing because love tends to take your eyes off your goal.. Our emotions can be traitors sometimes... they mess up with our brains and we think we are doing the right thing just because we feel good about it...
it is always better to put our minds about our hearts
@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
7 Sep 09
it's been three years Sara... it seems like it happened yesterday...I pretend that i have sooo over it..but i ain't...
@olepmis (840)
• Philippines
4 Sep 09
Congratulations! you were right in your decision to let him go. If he really loves you he will try to help you and not be a burdened. Yes you have some pieces missing but you will find that pieces if you will surrender all that pieces to GOD, our SAVIOUR DEAR JESUS. GOD BLESS.
@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
4 Sep 09
Thanks olep...it makes me feel a lot better when people tell me I made the right decision...coz I'm torn on whethter what i did was right or wrong.
more people tell me that I did the right thing...so I guess it is...
thank you so much, I will be looking forward to pick up the missing pieces
@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
4 Sep 09
ypyan!!! thank you..i know,what you say is true...
I am taking it easy no matter how terrible i feel..
i just can't help feeling lonely sometimes...
@kitty42 (3923)
• United States
3 Sep 09
Hello my wonderful friend
You know I saw this earlier and I said I will wait so this way I can give my undivided attention I am so glad I did , you remind me so much of myself in so many ways my family means the world to me as well and I always put their needs ahead of my own and this could be good/bad I will always do for my mom no matter what she is my mother but sometimes I ask myself who is doing anything for me, see in my case my family does not appreciate what I do the act like I am suppose to do these things and this is not true anyway I can go on/on/no/no you get the point no matter what my mom is my hreat and soul so makes no sense complaining because I am going to do for her no matter what.
You said your boyfriend was not helping you so the pressure was too much so you had to make a choice and you decided he had to go, that must have been really hard and I applaud you for being able to make such a tough decision so its been three years and you find yourself missing him so now you need to ask yourself can he help me? will he be able to take away some of the pressures I still face after you ask yourself these questions then you decide from there what needs to be done, you obviously have alot of love for this man if you are still in love with him after 3 years maybe this time around things will be much better I want you to be happy its hard being alone 3 years is a long time my friend, I think you should do whatever it is you feel in your heart is best for you and your son, you have the career now you need someone that can possible help you decide to further that career by moving somewhere where the pay is much higher and you can do even more for your family sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders I believe whatever you decide will be the best choice for you, whenever you need to vent we are here for you my friend I wish you all the best I know things will work out for you I am sure of it. you know your friend kitty will always be here.
You know I saw this earlier and I said I will wait so this way I can give my undivided attention I am so glad I did , you remind me so much of myself in so many ways my family means the world to me as well and I always put their needs ahead of my own and this could be good/bad I will always do for my mom no matter what she is my mother but sometimes I ask myself who is doing anything for me, see in my case my family does not appreciate what I do the act like I am suppose to do these things and this is not true anyway I can go on/on/no/no you get the point no matter what my mom is my hreat and soul so makes no sense complaining because I am going to do for her no matter what.
You said your boyfriend was not helping you so the pressure was too much so you had to make a choice and you decided he had to go, that must have been really hard and I applaud you for being able to make such a tough decision so its been three years and you find yourself missing him so now you need to ask yourself can he help me? will he be able to take away some of the pressures I still face after you ask yourself these questions then you decide from there what needs to be done, you obviously have alot of love for this man if you are still in love with him after 3 years maybe this time around things will be much better I want you to be happy its hard being alone 3 years is a long time my friend, I think you should do whatever it is you feel in your heart is best for you and your son, you have the career now you need someone that can possible help you decide to further that career by moving somewhere where the pay is much higher and you can do even more for your family sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders I believe whatever you decide will be the best choice for you, whenever you need to vent we are here for you my friend I wish you all the best I know things will work out for you I am sure of it. you know your friend kitty will always be here.@kitty42 (3923)
• United States
3 Sep 09
Hello my wonderful friend
I am so sorry you know my computer has been giving problems all day and the sad thing is I did not think this went through but something said open another window just in case oh wow so if I didn't think to open the window I would have posted this 3 times could you imagine
I am so sorry
I am so sorry you know my computer has been giving problems all day and the sad thing is I did not think this went through but something said open another window just in case oh wow so if I didn't think to open the window I would have posted this 3 times could you imagine I am so sorry @wcwdedumo (83)
• Philippines
7 Sep 09
patofgold23 i salute you for making a wise decision. you are a great woman. you should be proud of yourself.
@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
7 Sep 09
thanks a lot wc... it means a lot to me what you said...
I am proud of myself no matter how hurt i feel.
@TheAmilet (52)
• Philippines
4 Oct 09
patofgold23.i agree.. it is better to listen to mind than the heart.
but later on you need some love too.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
2 Sep 09
patofgold hi hatley here. wow that was a tough decision but'
somewhere you have taken on too much responsibilty and there'is
one person you are not taking care of, and that is yourself.'Family is wonderful, and we all should love our families but cant some
of the things you have made yourself responsible be taken over'by other members of your family? dear one if you work so hard doing'
so much for all of your kin and you fall ill, then who is going to'do for them? maybe some of them should be doing for themselves and
maybe even for you instead.of course i do not know all the details of your family but sometimes people take c are of everyone but themselves. my own mom used to do this.One time when I was 18 I made her take back some stuff she wanted to buy for me so she could buy herself the new winter coat she really needed.I was grown up,I didnt need her supporting me, I had a job.
@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
3 Sep 09
Hey hat...nice to hear from you...
Actually, everything you said is true, and I agree to all of it.
I know in the back of my mind that I should think about myself sometimes too, and I want to do that, honestly.
But where we're coming from, is not easy to close my eyes knowing everyone around me is having a tough time.
I could never act weak as I know there's a lot of people depending on me, for strength and for other things...
my family is the reason why I am holding on, no matter how rough things go.
And I also hold on to one thought:
Maybe there is something good in store for me in the end... My intentions are good, so maybe I deserve something wonderful after all these...
I am so looking forward to what that might be..
@vivianchen (2646)
• China
3 Sep 09
Hi Patofgold,
I can felt the pain that you mentioned, But when you asking who can take care of you? I have to say, no one can take good care of you unlee you take good care of yourself first.
You should prond of yourself because your family is prond of you. I think if your ex-boyfriend did love you, he should give you an hand in that difficlut time, he should go find a job and earn some money to help you out, but he did nothing, you are absolutely making the right decision.
I don't know if he still signle and have no jobs, but i have to tell you, you deserve a better man, and your man will come to you!
Best wishes to all your family!
Best wishes to all your family!@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
3 Sep 09
Hi viv!
Thanks you for understanding my point...
Thank you so much for the encouragement too, and assuring me that I made the right decision.
I know we still love each other, as we still keep in touch a lot and we can both feel it.
as to deserving a better person, I hope yes...
But somehow, I still hope it is the man I love, who is my Ex ...
my mind and heart is to torn..
but the best thing to do for now...is accept that this is the best for the moment..
I have to forget about myself for a while....
it is what is best for all..
@hahaxinxin (17)
• China
3 Sep 09
you are a good mother and a good daughter,you think about your family more than yourself ,you are a great person ,you will meet a person great as you ,you worth it !i think when you throw the old ones ,you are preparing to greet the new ones,you have to learn to be good to yourself.
@patofgold23 (5069)
• Philippines
3 Sep 09
hi there hahax... you actually made a good point which i may have missed out. You are right. If circumstances force you to put something down, it may be because it is preparing you for something better....
I do love myself but i often put everybody else's needs above mine.
There is a time for that...and I will be blessed, I know...
hanks for appreciating my a part of my life hahax...
see you around myLot...
happy myLotting!
