I'm trying to be strong, but not sure if I can't stay strong...

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Hello fellow myLotters. I have not been on here in a LONG time, lot of changes in my life. New Medication, which I'm going to stop so I can join the Depression/Sleep study being held at the hospital I work at. 2 roommates moving out on me, both ladies to move on with their lives, one with a boyfriend, one because she needs the change after being in the same house renting for 3 years. I never signed a lease, and what happens in this house is that the landlord has all of the deposits, and whenever we find a new roommate, we take their damage deposit and transfer it to the person leaving whom gave their notice, sounded confusing at first, but we've managed. The only real way we get the damage deposit back from the landlord if ALL of us moved out at once. The new roommate that we found the previous month is a good guy, he knows the situation, and I told him that if we can't find someone the first month, well then the damage deposit is forfeited completely (Which I'm POSITIVE will cause confusion) and then that leaves an extra month to find someone, 2 people. If this happens, well I'm pretty sure the 2 roommates moving will be Mad at me, which I don't need because I get guilty panic attacks, especially when I screw up. As you read above, I have a case of depression, since I was a teenager, been coping with it, I'm thankful for my mother for being patient, who is across the country from me right now, and I wish VERY badly I could go home and just STAY. But I can't. I got a full time job here in Calgary, will be a full year in October. It has an excellent pension plan, health spending account, which quite frankly, along with the "health plan" they have for us, is pushing it's own luck and I may very well just go private...but I get to play "wait and see"....like everything else in my life so far. Let's see, what else? OH! I pictured myself shooting myself in the head a few weeks ago...almost had to have a tearful conversation with the roommate who owns a gun in the house to PLEASE get it out of the house, but then I pictured my mom and dad, and my family back home, and my new baby nephew, and thought, "No, why would you do that to them?" And....one of our couriers at work is putting the feelings on strong with me AGAIN, and I was playing around with the idea of us dating too...but then when he saw I was depressed, well then he was getting depressed...with his own issues, not getting sad because I was sad, and this REALLY ticked me off! He said and I quote, "I feel depressed because I have all this love inside me with nowhere to place it." And with him telling me this, in THIS way, all I can think is : Why should I get in a relationship with a guy who is also depressed? Just because we're both depressed? Yeah he's lonely, but I'm lonely too, because of my family, but I got friends, who help me, and he has frigging friends too! I told him bluntly that I can't take that, to have someone elses' (Is this even a word? Or how you would spell it?) problems dumped onto me when I'm dealing with ENOUGH crap on my own. Makes me feel like he's selfish. And I don't want to think that, but it's making me MAD. Let's see what else...Asked the landlord for help with finding people, he said no, because the house is not being rented out by the room, it is the whole house. And that the 2 roommates moving out do NOT get their damage deposit back, so that had me in a panic spiral, crying at work, my coworker thought I was pissed off and told me off for it the next day, which I apologized for, "I'm sorry if you thought I was pissed off yesterday." were my words before I went to the bathroom again. I don't blame her though because she's pregnant, and she's always been nice to me, and people don't always gauge my feelings properly, I do look like a little crank though when I'm guarded haha. Ever since I was a kid. So yeah, back to the first roommate moving out, she's getting a house with her boyfriend, which is awesome for the both of them, and I congrats them with all my heart, jealous? A little, but just because I can't seem to hold onto a relationship, which again, still contemplating, can't see, to find the right guy, the last one WARPED his perspective on me so much, and being out-right MEAN, THAT'S what sent me back to my effexor medication after my holiday home 2 years ago. BUT! What she did offer me, the one getting a house with her boyfriend, she offered my the basement, but it was offered to someone else first, so we're just waiting to hear from them first, but then again that might not even matter now because of me possibly losing their damage deposit. She's in the states right now, and the last text I sent her was, "I think I really frigged up here (less polite word used of course, but her, myLot) and I understand completely if you don't want to have anything to do with me after this." Not quite sure when she'll be back from the states, but I was dreading it up until 2 days ago, didn't take my new night time medication, and I woke up calm...was REALLY confused from it. But oh well. And for the room ad, I've gotten a LOT of response, of course turned down a lot of them especially when they started out with either broken English, state that they have an oil magnate uncle that will pay for everything, someone from Alaska who goes ON and ON about how they're a humanitarian, taking in homeless babies and the homeless... FLAT OUT NO! I live in Calgary, the homeless out here, well the majority aren't very deserving, they look for handouts, and they WILL NOT be welcome in my home where they can steal my valuable items. She also conveniently has an oil magnate uncle who lives in FRANCE that will wire the money over straight away. There's another guy who is finalizing his grad program, he sounds good, he sent his picture and a picture of his 2 CUTE cats, and I hope we can grab him because then my kitty will have play mates! but then again, that would bring the total to 3 cats in the house. And right now, the only way I can guarantee him moving in, is if he has the dd and rent up front. What else that is worse? Um, our landlord isn't the greatest for picking the money up on time, sometimes he goes months on end without picking the rent up, then grabs all of them in one large sum...which is brave for the other roommates, because I know I can't have up to 3 months rent in my account at all times, bills I'm paying off, so I do an email money transfer, whenever rent is due. There's a few girls who are coming to see the house, and I'm hoping it goes great. I know as soon as one says, "I'll take it!" I'll be fighting to hug them very hard, heck, that might scare them away lol. But the stress will just be GONE from me. And then I can make further plans of possibly moving on from the house as well. I don't want to be the new head of house, and I greatly respect my roommate who did that. So....life is getting tough.