What Tough Issues Do You Think Couples Should Discuss Before Marriage?
@danishcanadian (28953)
Canada
September 9, 2009 8:09pm CST
What tough issues did you discuss before getting married?
If you are engaged, what tough issues are you and your fiance discussing before getting married?
If you're in any other stage in your relationship, or in your life, what issues do you think committed partners need to discuss before embarking on life's journey together?
My husband and I were lucky, in that we went through a lot of hard stuff before making the big committment.
We experienced wealth and poverty, when our situations changed, and now are staring to change back to wealth, but it's a long process.
We experienced sickness and health when we had to overcome health issues in our families, including the near fatal car accident his daughter had.
We discussed living situations when we both lived in eachother's respective countries for a time, deciding mutually that it was better for us to live in Canada as opposed to the USA.
We discussed the finances and how household tasks should be divided up, and divided the tasks according to individual abilities, not gender.
We discussed religious values. We are of two different religions and no one converted. We attend both churches.
We discussed names (I kept mine he kept his!)
We discussed children (we're not having any!)
We discussed family (he has kids who are older than I am, and if I am financially independent on a disability income, they shoudln't need to "borrow"...and I use the term loosely... money from dear old Dad, and my family should not interfere in our decisions just because I'm the youngest child, along with a host of other issues related to our families)
We discussed conflict resolution (when we are frustrated, we talk it out, we don't fight it out)
We discussed decision making (we discuss all the options and decicde together how to compromise, based on what works. No ONE person makes the final decision, we come to mutual agreements in everything)
And we discussed gender roles (THERE ARE NO GENDER ROLES!!!)
So, what did you discuss, what are you discussing, what should you discuss, and what do you WISH you had discussed with your partner before embarking on life's journey together?
7 people like this
23 responses
@Jennlk84 (4206)
• United States
10 Sep 09
I definitely think you guys discussed a lot of great things and were definitely ready to get married when the time came.
I think the longer you're with someone before you get married, the more likely you are to touch upon these difficult subjects.
My husband and I were together 4 1/2 years before we got married. That was plenty of time for us to discuss all the important subjects like money, children, etc. Luckily we agree on pretty much everything! Especially the most important things. And those things we didn't agree on, we've now come to agreement on.
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
11 Sep 09
Well said. I also think that this makes a great case for people living together before marriage. We get t know eachother first, to make sure it's going to work.
Sure there were less divorces in the 1950s, but let's face it!! People did not have the freedom (especially women) that they have today, and women, as well as men, and plenty of children, were trapped in bad situations because of "shame," a concept in which I do not believe.
@coolcat123 (4387)
• India
10 Sep 09
i think there are many issues and some of them are whether the broom would like the girl to work and help him in his work.another important issue would be to check the Rh factor of the bride and groom .this is present in the blood and females with negetive and male with positive Rh should not marry. So, people should take care about it and try to avoid relations with this pattern.
@liumingqiang (25)
• China
10 Sep 09
i'm agree with you!In china we talk about our wife and huspand,wheather is strong enough and wheather have enough money!
1 person likes this
@saundyl (9783)
• Canada
10 Sep 09
I think issues that should be discussed are...parenting - do you want kids how do you think they should be raised, religion - are you or arent you religious if you are different religions which do you want kids to be raised.
Living arrangements - where, who, country, city, rural...
Are you both going to work
of course money - separate, joint or shared accounts?
Bills, big purchases,
house hold tasks,
health issues - known and family possible.
your parents - will either of you be caring maybe for your parents in elder years, is one of you a mommas boy or daddys girl....
how do you intend to fix problems...do you avoid conflict.
things like renting or owning a home - who does the repairs etc.
Procrastination ugh and things like eating out are definitly gonna be subjects i will touch on...
@cherrc (661)
• Philippines
10 Sep 09
hi there. it seems to me like a pretty tough arrangement. religion is a big factor to me so it really needs to be discussed so there, u're right. when the time comes, ill let the kids decide but definitely will orient them that someone is there above all us. but as to the settings at home, usually the real differences occur when u are already together. so the rules will come there eventually. i think the prenuptial agreement would be necessary since there are some properties merely inherited from ascendants. all in all, am not just dealing with a companion but with someone that i'll be loving and spending my life with. i just want to process every moment one step at a time. :)
@rusty2rusty (6763)
• Defiance, Ohio
11 Sep 09
A big issue people need to discuss is children before marriage. So is money. If you can't agree on either. Than don't get married. Otherwise it can lead to divorce. I also think people should dicuss religion beliefs before marriage. Different religious beliefs or not having any while the other partner does can drive a huge wedge in a marriage. Also the issue of having pets. Tome pets are like children, they ar everyones responsiblity. Not just a play thing to throw away when bored.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
10 Sep 09
Wow! The cultural differences! I have been married for thirty one years and it was an arranged marriage.We were the more modern set of people[relatively] because my husband and I had a chat the day he came to see me.And what did we discuss ?-All silly little things like how tired he was after his train journey and whether I knew music and what I planned to do after my University education.I said I had no plans whatsoever,[I am a home maker who later had a very successful tuition centre of my own by chance ]We did not discuss any significant issue and I did not even know what he was earning when we got married.I stayed with my parentsinlaw, sisterinlaw and baby niece for the first three years of marriage.I was not even aware of the importance of asking anything significant at that point of time[I was well qualified for my times with a post graduate degree ].My husband himself says that I was a rare person for my own times because I am basically a dreamer with few expectations from life.
But times are changing and nowadays people do discuss certain things before this marriage in our country too and many people choose their own partners.
@highflyingxangel (9225)
• United States
12 Sep 09
I think one of the biggest issues couples really need to discuss is children. There are always those times when one person wants children and the other does not and when they get married, that issue really causes a lot of stress and other problems in the relationship because they'd rather not divorce but they're truly unhappy because of what the other one wants.
I think money is another issue that needs to be discussed as well. Some couples prefer two earner homes, others prefer one earner homes and some could care less as long as the bills are paid and both people are doing their part. Some are a little more lax with how their bills are paid and others are more strict. I think moeny issues is definitely another issue that can cause a lot of problems if the couple isn't on the same page or at least aware of how the other wishes things to be done.
@Eisenherz (2908)
• Portugal
14 Sep 09
You make some interesting points there and I wish I wasn't so tired to give more a proper answer. So anyway, I think that most of the things you mentioned should be discussed before marriage. More importantly I'd highlight 3 things: heritage, faithfulness vows and the agreement to act as one. Be one when together, even.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
10 Sep 09
My G-d! You covered ewverthing. The one thing I would discuss with a boyfriend , I will never marry, is wherter or not he wants kids. if he does, then I am the wrong woman for him and we should end it right now. He will never change my mind and if I care for him, then I want him to have the children he wants.I would have the no babies talk right before it gets serious. Question. how do you two attend both churches? one in the morning , the other in the afternoon? I am just curios and if I am prying please forgive me
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
14 Sep 09
I wish I had discussed with my husband how important it is to me, to be number one in his life and to be talked to and listened to regularly. We had so many talks about that over the years.
@Mirita (2668)
• United States
10 Sep 09
Well, to be honest with you, we never discussed anything
prior to getting married ,but things between us have
worked out well because we are very similar. In other
words, we have been happily married for 23 years and I
really believe that he is my soulmate. Sometimes finding
the right person is already good enough.
@tammytwo (4298)
• United States
10 Sep 09
You should always discuss children. I know a newly married couple that is on the brink of divorce because of the disagreement over children. One wants them the other doesn't.
Discuss money and spending, saving habits.
Discuss family and their importance in your lives.
Discuss the importance of careers and education for both.
Discuss future travelling hopes, dremas, etc.
Discuss future possible living arrangements. Will you move, stay where you are?
@prashanthalva (2272)
• India
10 Sep 09
Mine Was An Arranged Marriage .. We Didn't speak Much Before Marriage .. Now we Are In Love .. I Just Hope this love remains Strong As It is of Now .. Marrying is The First Part of the Relation .. How Well You Understand Each other, Look At Each Problem You Face As A Couple In the Same Direction Forms The second And The Crucial Part ..
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
10 Sep 09
Your list is pretty thorough and detailed; awesome. For my opinion, I think tough issues would involve the trust part. Even when couples say they trust each other, sometimes they don't. So this is an ongoing issue. Next off, financial. Some couples are happy but they need that financial touch to add a bit more spice to their life. Working 24/7 but with no time with each other (even with all the money in the world) can be tough too. And last not but least, children issue. Some women and men are not ready to become parents, this is especially hard when one party is ready and the other is not.
@sissi320 (328)
• China
10 Sep 09
Frankly speaking, I didn't discuss anything before the marriage.
We get mattiaged without any plan.
Till now, there is no conflict happened between us, and I think the most reason is I made the decision in my family.
@gmatthews (154)
• United States
10 Sep 09
I think it is important to discuss whether or not you want children and how many. Just saying that you want children is not enough. You may want four children and he may want one. Definately discuss finances, that is one of the biggest reasons why relationships don't work. Make an agreement that you will always communicate no matter how bad things get, because sometimes things get rough even if you are totally in love.
@santwana11 (25)
• India
10 Sep 09
Honesty is the best policy, as they say. But every good policy is a relative thing. There are some situations in which the policy is not at all beneficial. It proves disastrous. So, the person's attitude towards life and other things have to be taken into account before deciding to adopt any policy.
