Domestic violence...the ultimate betrayal on so many levels
By spalladino
@spalladino (17891)
United States
September 12, 2009 5:56pm CST
Some of you may have noticed (and rejoiced) that I haven't been around much lately. The reason for this was due to a phone call I received two weeks ago informing me that my 15 year old grandson was on a plane and that I had to get to the airport to meet him. I had already heard allegations of child abuse from the big sister, who told me that she was being abused and planning to move out of the house on her 18th. birthday, which she did. My step-daughter filled my husband's head with doubt...blaming the boyfriend for the sudden move...and he fell for it because his daughter has been married to this man for 18 years and my husband had always thought they were the perfect family. I never waivered in my belief that there was a problem in that house.
But, the arrival of the 15 year old changed everything. My step-daughter (once she finally got our hint and returned our calls) admitted that not only has her husband been abusing the two older children, he's also been abusing her. The older daughter currently has an Order of Protection in force, Child Protective Services and the Domestic Violence unit of their local police dept. was investigating the family...and we were drawn into all of it. The CPS caseworker called me after my granddaughter told her that the boy was with us. My husband saw the bruises on the boy's back and we both saw the red mark on his eyeball from being poked in the eye by his father. A deputy called and instructed me to apply for an Order of Protection on behalf of the 15 year old. The clerk had the judge on the phone (this is a small town) and he had to investigate whether Florida even had jurisdiction. The following day he still wasn't sure so he set a court date and I met with an attorney. The outcome of that was that Florida didn't have jurisdiction unless I had temporary custody of the boy.
And the information started to come out...independently told by both of my grandchildren to us...tale after tale of abuse, of uncontrolled rage, of the injuries that my husband's daughter has sustained over the years at the hands of this man. And my husband's rage grew. He trusted this man...with his only daughter and with his 3 grandchildren...and he wanted to drive up there and shoot him between the eyes.
To make a very long story short, the CPS caseworker decided that it was safe to send the boy home and my husband decided to give them a chance instead of starting a war with his daughter by filing for temporary custody of the boy. The abusive husband/father has done nothing but make empty promises of getting professional help. The lawyer told me that, if we filed for custody, the father would definitely be in some kind of program by the time they showed up for court and we would lose.
So, I put the boy on a plane yesterday, armed with a plan that will involve the CPS caseworker, his teachers and other staff at his school. But, my husband and I are livid. We're angry at his daughter for staying in this relationship when she earns a good living and they own two homes...one down here that's sitting empty right now. We've realized that she's willing to risk her children's safety...and her own...in order to live a certain lifestyle. We're angry at the son-in-law who is dead to us and we now worry about our loved ones daily. There will be no more visits from them to our house and we will no longer stay with them when we go up north. The oldest daughter paid for the boy's plane ticket and put him on the plane but the tale they're telling the father involves me. My step-daughter called me today, trying to give me instructions about what to tell this jerk "when he calls". I told her to tell him not to call because he knows that we know and I will rip him apart if given half the chance.
I've seen discussions in the past, here and on other sites, about Child Protective Services and how they remove children from their homes based on little more than allegations from extended family or neighbors. I've read about their incompetence again and again but I had my doubts until now. Can anyone tell me how they determine which child needs protection and which child doesn't because the actions of the caseworker in this situation make no sense to me at all. She told me that she found the father to be concerned and cooperative but he did NOTHING for two weeks but make promises. My step-daughter admitted to many incidences of abuse and provided medical records related to a broken arm, broken thumb and the need for stitches in her head more than once. In my opinion both parents should be arrested. By the way, to those of you who are familiar with my family...the daughter in this family is the one with juvenile diabetes so not only was this man beating his child...he was beating his very sick child.
6 people like this
13 responses
@marguicha (223008)
• Chile
13 Sep 09
I always wonder about the cases of family abuse. True, a child cannot do much. But I don´t know how your daughter can put up with such a husband and accept abuse to her children. I have grown in a place where people respect each other. And if someone doens´t meet those standards, I just leave. Fortunatly our family is very supportive: that is SO important.
I don´t understand either how a 15 year old can be treated as a package. He should have stayed with you. It doesn´t speak well for the caseworker invilved and for the prtective laws of the place where you live.
And I´m not the kind of mother who never spanked her children. I did. But one thing is a peck in the butt so they behave and quite another are bruises and broken bones.
I´m very sorry. I hope it all ends well.
2 people like this
@pixeltwistr (613)
• United States
13 Sep 09
Hey again spall....
I see you already have a lwyer then thats great....sorry i didnt see it before i was busy typing my reply when this one was posted...but you did exactly the right thing....dont let your daughter know what is going on with the lawyer because that will scare her into pushing you away but do put the cps work on notice just as you did and let her know you are keeping track and she will be help personally responsible...that should get her in gear!!!
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
13 Sep 09
My step-daughter doesn't know about the attorney and I'm not going to let her or the CPS caseworker know that we're keeping a record either. The 15 year old's birthday is coming up in December and my husband and I have talked about buying him a laptop like mine. It has a webcam so he can send us pics of any injuries if he has to.
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
13 Sep 09
Thanks marguicha. I told the caseworker that my husband and I...and our attorney...would hold her personally responsible if any harm came to the 15 year old or his 8 year old brother. My step-daughter is taking the easy way out. She married at 18 and, on the face of it, they have a nice life but I told her that peace of mind is more important than financial security and "things". As I posted earlier, I can't push her too hard or she will shut me out but I'm not letting this go away. The husband is supposed to be setting up an appointment with some mental health provider. If he doesn't do it soon I will be burning up the CPS caseworker's phone.
2 people like this
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
13 Sep 09
I am so very sorry to hear this, you must be in agony and worried sick!
I do not and never have understood child protection workers. They will ignore the signs of physical abuse or send a child back to an abusive parent in an effort to keep a family together. I think actions like that are criminal and should be treated as such but caseworkers don't get prosecuted like that.
I will definitely keep your grandchildren in my prayers. I hope the children get out of that house as soon as possible and in good health.
2 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
14 Sep 09
spall I wholeheartedly agree, get him out and into
some kind of training.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
14 Sep 09
Thanks dragon. I can understand the desire to keep the family together but I think an abuser should be required to leave the home until he has completed some kind of program or received mental health services if that's the problem. Just seems like common sense to me.
2 people like this
@StarBright (2798)
• United States
13 Sep 09
I am always depressed when I hear that children are taken back into homes where abuse and violence take place. History tells us that it doesn't stop. I know you would like to strangle both parents, but for the sake of your grandchildren, do you think that maybe you need to maintain some connection just so you can keep an eye on the kids? If you can pop in on the kids and visit every now and then it may be better than not setting foot in their house at all. I know it will not be easy. Do what you have to do to stay close to your grandchildren. They need you more than ever. Maybe by being in the picture, your step daughter will come around and see the light also. She will need someone to pick up the pieces. She will regret not protecting her children. Maybe your son-inlaw has her so intimidated that she is afraid of him. Abused women have very low self-esteem. I finally figured this out when I worked with battered women as a volunteer. I had a hard time coming to grips with understanding why any woman would stand for a man beating her and then staying there. It makes no sense. Low self-esteem has to be the answer. The laws that protect children and battered women only come into play after a woman is strong enough to stand up for herself and her children, or something really serious happens. Sometimes even after something serious happens, women and children are forced or coerced back into that same dangerous environment. Family law still needs a lot of work.
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
13 Sep 09
I'm still working with my step-daughter and she knows that she has the unconditional support of her father and me. I was actually surprised that she opened up to me about the abuse when she did but I've had some experience with a former neighbor so I guess I knew the right words to say. Dropping by isn't an option since we live 1,100 miles away but I do talk to her daily and we're in contact via an email account her husband knows nothing about. She has no idea how angry we are at her...that would definitely end the communication...so my husband and I keep our feelings to ourselves. I also set up an email account for my grandson before he left that neither of his parents know about...along with a code. If he ever emails me and includes any Spanish phrase, I know that one or both of his parents put him up to it. We also told him to call 911 himself instead of calling his sister and having her do it. If Dad acts up, let's get it on the record. My step-daughter swears that her self esteem is fine but my granddaughter told me that her father picks on her mother's physical attributes since she's very smart so he can't chip away at her confidence in that area. But, she's slim and he makes her feel like she's less of a woman. I encourage her but I also see the giant STOP sign, even over the phone, so I don't push too hard. If we need to, we'll fly up there but, until then, we're stuck waiting and wondering. Thanks for the input. I really needed to vent. 
1 person likes this
@StarBright (2798)
• United States
13 Sep 09
Oh my God! A very good friend, who is more like my sister, sounds like your step daughter. She was married to a fool like that. She is smart and pretty but her husband picked away at her like that and tried to make her feel like she wasn't pretty. It took her 18 years to finally get the courage to leave. She says she wishes she had left sooner beause of what it did to her two sons. But still, better late than never. She is much happier now. Her Ex is remarried and abusing his second wife. Luckily, neither son is a physical abuser. The oldest son does have relationship problems. He picks the wrong kind of women and the results are rocky. He's been married twice already.
Her problem is she is afraid to trust again. She is terrified that she may choose someone like her Ex again. She says if she was that wrong the first time, how can she trust her judgment the second time around.
So....if your step-daughter ever gets out of this, she will be a lot stronger for the experience. Sounds like you have a good handle on things. I might add, keep a diary so you can establish a timeline. God bless.
1 person likes this
@pixeltwistr (613)
• United States
13 Sep 09
StarBright...
Read my comment/story below and then tell your friend that I have been with my current husband for 20 years...(married 10, lived together 10)...she can find someone who will treat her right too but she has to be open to it...she will know how to be cautious and how to look for red flags this time around!
1 person likes this
@nowment (1757)
• United States
13 Sep 09
Unfortunately it varies from state to state but over all the agency case workers are over worked, and damned if they do and damned if they don't.
Other than pushing for further investigations and or perhaps hiring a dectective on your own to help support a case you may make to obtain custody there is a limit to what is going to be done.
A woman who had 2 children the 4 year old was the one who took care of the 2 yr old, and she got pregnant and told more than one person, "when the baby is born I'm going to kill it" because she didn't want another child well despite this and the fact that neighbors often reported that the small children were out side often half dressed and barefoot even in winter, nothing was done.
There was no one to fight for the children. It may come down to finding a lawyer in the state that your grandchildren live in, one who perhaps can help you, and it may have to come down to a custody battle.
Filing criminal charges that the children need to make may be the only way. The problem with that is in this case the law is not set up to protect the children, but rather to protect the abuser's rights to not be falsely accused.
Those I have known who faced this situation were basically told they would have to wait til the next time, then file criminal charges. I do not think waiting until a child is harmed is a good answer.
Get copies of the records backing up the claims your granddaughter made, find a civil attorney in the state who is willing to file suit against the agency for thier part in allowing this situation to continue, that may actually get them to act faster to help your grandchildren.
1 person likes this
@ladyhope (377)
• Canada
14 Sep 09
I know that this is a terrible thing to happen to your family, as well as a huge shock. But please, don't be angry at your step-daughter. A woman in an abusive relationship could have many reasons for not leaving, but you have to understand, she is not there because she feels like it. It is far deeper feelings than a person not in an abusive relationship could understand. These feelings include: shame, helplessness, and fear, along with many others. Although it is easy to say that she is to blame as well for not protecting her children, we must realize that she has gone well beyond seeing the situation in the same light as anyone else. At this point, she will need a lot of support and understanding, especially if she is to make the right decision about the future and her relationship with her husband.
1 person likes this
@martieann (40)
• United States
13 Sep 09
I have been doing research on CPS for quite some time in order to write a series of articles and I have yet to find any rhyme or reason of how and why they do things. I have read and seen perfectly good families torn apart by these workers and the system due to "bonuses" received for children whose parental rights are terminated.
Then I have turned right around and read or seen cases in the same counties where children are returned to dangerous situations.
the problem is even if cases workers fail to do their job, lie, and manufacture evidence, they cannot be held accountable. The law has made sure of that. So they feel it is their right to play god with people's rights and it is the children they are suppose to protect that suffer the most!
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (92714)
• United States
13 Sep 09
Well, I guess I'm not overstating it when I say, holy crap. When children are involved, I have little defense of a parent who chooses to stay with the abuser. And since she seems to have plenty of material things that would enable her to get away...wow. The whole DHS thing is screwy. I see kids getting taken away from parents for truly false accusations. And then I see kids being sent BACK to households that they should never be in again.
I knew these two sweet little girls, who are now college students. I am about 7 years older than they. They were cousins, and my dad knew their parents. Well, come to find out, one of the little girl's brother had been molesting them for years. He was 14 when he started doing it, and he was 18 when he got caught. He sexually abused his own sister and his cousin. You want to know the kicker? After it was reported (by the mom of the single girl, NOT by the parents of the abuser and his molested sister), DHS DID NOT TAKE THE LITTLE GIRL OUT OF THE HOME SHE SHARED WITH HER BROTHER!!! That little girl stayed in that house with her horrid brother, her parents, and the other siblings she had. HOW can that happen? I cried for hours when I found out. I was probably seventeen when it all came about. I never forgot that.
The abused sister recently got engaged. During her premarital counseling the counselor asked if they had secrets, because if they did, now was the time to tell each other. And she told her fiance what had happened to her. He was livid. I don't know how he'll ever sit across from him at a family dinner and not strangle her brother.
@AmbiePam (92714)
• United States
13 Sep 09
I'm sure she has emotional issues. That is why I feel so bad for abused women. And I still feel sorry for your step daughter, but children...I'm not a mother, but I always thought a mother's first instinct was to protect.
I'm far too judgmental, I'm sure. And I feel so bad for your husband. It's natural that we believe "adults" over kids. I would probably have believed her too, over his grandaughter. Ultimately, every bit of the blame lies with her husband. She is lucky she is going to have you and her father for emotional support.
You know the guy I was talking about who abused his sister and cousin? He never spent one day in jail, not one day in a juvenile facility. They said since he was a minor when the crimes occurred they wouldn't be pressing charges. Especially since his parents declined to pursue it even though it was their daughter he was molesting.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
13 Sep 09
If I ruled the world AmbiePam, no child would have to live in fear, but no one will let me rule the world so I have to live with this frustration and anger. My step-daughter most likely has many emotional issues that were pointed out to me in another response so I'm going to work on reinforcing her in the hope that she will get strong enough to leave this jerk. I'm sure she's afraid of him but I also see the cushy life they've built...all the toys they have and the two nice houses...and those things will have to go if she leaves but MY GOD, I could never watch my child be beaten. My husband is riddled with guilt for a couple of reasons. He trusted this man with his only daughter and treated him like a son for 18 years and, because of the need to keep the secret, he allowed himself to believe that his granddaughter...his lollipop...who is sweet, caring and suffering from diabetes...was manipulative and that she made up the story of abuse so that she could move in with her boyfriend the day she turned 18. She was still in high school and barely spoke to her parents on the day she graduated but still my husband believed his daughter's lies that the boyfriend was controlling her. He has apologized to his granddaughter a couple of times but she says she understands...that it was a hard thing for him to believe.
1 person likes this
@tlb0822 (1410)
• United States
13 Sep 09
I am very sorry to hear that this is going on with your family. It is sad that she would allow her husband to continue to abuse her and her children. It sounds like she has more then enough support system to help her get out of this abusive relationship. I know a lot of cases were CPS would come in and take children for less cause then that. I hope that her spouse does get help, but she needs to find a safe place for her and the children until he gets that help. My thoughts are with you and your family. I really hope that things get better.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
13 Sep 09
Thanks tlb. That's what irritates me so much. I read about CPS coming in and removing children who shouldn't be removed yet this woman has so much evidence and does nothing. She told me that the abuse to my step-daughter is a separate issue but the attorney told me that it's considered child abuse if a child witnesses the abuse of one of his parents. The kids were there when he broke her arm and each time she ended up in the ER for stitches. I'm going to continue to be watchful and to be a thorn in the side of this woman and to also encourage my step-daughter to be strong. From what I've learned tonight, she's not as strong as she says she is.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
14 Sep 09
oh spalldino this is just awful is there any way you could get a different cps worker who has her head screwed on right to lookinto this horrid mess? that other worker is dispicable she did not do'her job I had heard about stuff like this but was doubtful but now
i am most concerned for your family.With all the evidence your step daughter has why on eArth did that sociAl worker not do her job. this is just incredible. oh that poor child with juvey diabetes, I am also a diabetic but the noninsuling type. I feel for all kids with diabetes. what a nightmare for you.I think that child protective services when they have incidents like this should have someone over them to check this crap out and do right by the customers instead. good luck and God Bless.
@Barbietre (1438)
• United States
13 Sep 09
I am so very sad to hear this. I do know the sysytem is bad, and they sometimes do not know their a$$ from thier elbows. I do hope things work out. Keep us posted.
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
13 Sep 09
Oh Spalladino,
This is such a tragic story. I pray to God that nothing happens to those Children and their Mother before CPS takes action. You can't depend on them to do what is necessary but they'll not hesitate to do the wrong thing. That boy should not be in that home. It scares me to think of what that man will do to him for running for safety. I will pray that you and your Husband are able to save that child. If the Mother won't keep him safe then you have to somehow. Good luck. I can't help but worry. Please let us know how things turn out. And yes I am glad to see you back. Hugss
Leenie
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
13 Sep 09
Thanks Leenie, it's good to be back and your prayers are most welcomed. I will keep communicating with them as I'm able to...and the older sister who is out of the home is also going to stay in close touch with her mother and brothers and keep us informed. I will let everyone know if anything changes.
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
14 Sep 09
Why on earth is your step-daughter staying with this creep? He has hurt her children for goodness sake! I don’t think the boy should be back home until his father shows signs of change and that may take a heck of a long time! I hope this situation will resolve itself in a positive manner and no one is hurt any more.
CPS don’t usually have a great deal of an idea, there have been cases here in Australia where kids have been sent back to live a life of hell. The intent is usually good but the system leaves a lot to be desired and I agree that the parents should be held accountable.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
13 Sep 09
LOL...looks like I've been missing a lot over there. Never fear, I'll be back over there, irritating folks, soon enough. 
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