Piece of advice
By kharen
@kharen (1488)
Philippines
September 14, 2009 9:42am CST
Okay, I have this friend who's confiding on me about being so fond of or too attached with a boy who's 8 years younger than her.
She's turning 21 and the boy is turning 13 but I think there are people who are called to be man-child, you know. It's hard to explain but she feels weird about it. The boy is a KID! Yeah, she gets that and she tells that to herself over and over again but she can't stop being too fond of him.
She admits loving the kid in many ways. First as a friend, then as a best friend and as a brother and a father and even a boyfriend. She loves him in all ways possible, she says.
She thinks of him in everything she does and say and think etc. She thinks of him until she gets to dreamland(sleep) then the first thought when she wakes up is him. She says everything and she means EVERYTHING.
Now, she's afraid she's tearing the child apart in the sense that the boy is acting all mature but he can't hide that he's still a kid and the thing is she wants to leave and go away because she's afraid of things that can happen.
She's afraid that the kid's fondness of her will fade away and that one day he'll just ignore her. She's also afraid of the kid finding about how she feels which isn't very good.
Then she wants to go away because she wants him to grow apart from her. The kid is acting like a boyfriend to her though she knows he's not aware of it. And that's scary right?
She feels guilty of something she isn't sure about. That's what she tells and asks me and I say "I don't know."
Can anyone here tell me what's going on with her?
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4 responses
@lalgudiraghul (65)
• India
14 Sep 09
i feel guilty fr ur frnd....the main thing is ur frnd must left tat boy n she should'nt try to meet him n all....u told tat the boy is matured nw...ne thing may happen..ur frnd is so fond of him..tat boy may tak tis thing has his advantage n ur frnd can't able to do ne thing at tat time n she simply hav to nod the head..am nt tellinn tat boy s nt gud n all..may be ther r chances....n our culture wnt accept tis n all..am i rite??so ask her to frgt him n keep him at aa certain distance...she was vry confused nw..u r the only medicine fr her to get cured frm tis..so try to solve tis unknowingly to tat boy...
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@good2go2001 (915)
• United States
14 Sep 09
i think your response to her needs to be to tell her to stop having contanct with him. Im not sure what the laws are where you live but in my area it is a crime to have a relationship with a minor.
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@Tantrums (945)
• Philippines
14 Sep 09
I remember one time when I asked my wife's parents for their blessing so I can marry their daughter, the first thing her father said was "Is that you talking? or is it just your raging hormones?" I was 21 back then and my wife was 18. We got married 2 years after.
So I guess, maybe it's their "raging hormones".
@much2say (55686)
• Los Angeles, California
14 Sep 09
Oh boy. Literally. Obviously she has a crush on this "boy". I agree, too, depending on where you live, that there are laws on dating minors, so she best not get involved with this "crush". They also call that cradle robbing!
As an adult, I was in a unique sports situation where I was with "kids" that age, and could call them my peers and many my "friends". Some of them saw me the same way, too, and that was cool. Some of the boys were cute and charming . . . some I would venture to say were mature way beyond their years, sort of. I could talk to them easily, and a couple were very attentive and seemingly good listeners. And they thought I was cool for being that way towards them. I could see how they would one day be heartbreakers when they got older (if not already).
I don't know your friend's history with men "her age", but I could see how she might think that this "boy" may fill in the void. They can seem more mature than guys much older than them . . . but in other ways they really have more growing up to do. Your friend probably gets a lot of attention from this "boy" that she doesn't get from "men" . . . so she may find this "boy" very appealing. Yet she doesn't seem entirely blind to the situation . . . she just can't let go.
Her focus is on this "boy", but she needs to find another distraction for herself!! She needs to meet new people - hopefully other guys closer to her age. Or at least go find some something else to do if all she can think about is that "boy" . . . this isn't healthy for her!
Let me tell you, I knew an adult woman who loved her coach's son. She had a sick infactuation with the boy who was only 8. She would go around telling everyone that when he grew up, she was going to marry him. Then something happened, I don't know what, but it caused her coach to not want to coach her anymore, and she got banned from the arena. Everyone knew about it, and that was not good. Would your friend be willing to go through the consequences . . . even if it means hurting her own reputation?
You, as a friend, need to help her get a reality check. As the typical saying goes, it's okay to look, but not touch!
@kharen (1488)
• Philippines
14 Sep 09
I've thought of those before but I couldn't figure out how to tell her. It's a very long explanation and eats up a lot of words that could lead us the confusion and misunderstanding. I don't want to offend her by making her think that I think she's crazy.
I tried to tell her one time to grow up but she said she was trying to but still she's into it. I mean she can't avoid or ignore the boy because there are social gatherings every week and they always see each other.
One time, I tried to pull her away from him. Gosh! She looked like she was malnourished for a week then when another gathering held and I let her speak with him and laugh with him... I was there, they were only telling jokes and stories. They appreciate each other a lot. For me, they look like normal friends but when I think of their age and how they act towards each other- it worries me. Her aura changed after being with the boy. SHe was shining and blooming again.
She already had plans of leaving. We made plans but something is holding us back and her dad doesn't want her to leave from here in Saudi back to the Philippines.
She didn't want anything to do with him but she can't avoid him while she's here. She wants him to grow apart from her.
She made a poem for him as a goodbye-birthday present for him and I read it. It included the word friend and best friend but I felt from her poem a lot more deeper meaning in it and she said, she also felt that way.
She was thinking of giving him the poem but now, she didn't want to. She doesn't want to pollute his innocent mind with deep words from her poem, she says.
He doesn't want the boy to feel bad if she ignored him but if she did start talking to him even a word, she wouldn't stop until it's time to go.
What shall I tell her?
How would you explain what I must tell?
@much2say (55686)
• Los Angeles, California
17 Sep 09
First, she probably thinks more of this friendship than the "boy", so she is probably totally over analyzing the whole situation. It seems to be just her dilemma, not the boy's.
If she suddenly became out of the picture, he would probably miss her, but I'm sure he'd befriend other people and do other things that he would bounce back quickly. Kids do that. It's possible he is not thinking of the friendship as deeply as she does . . . so all this thinking for what? He would probably eventually find a girl friend around his age anyway . . . life will go on.
She can have a crush if she wants to - no harm in that. But going beyond those boundaries can have consequences. And if she is so obsessed with this boy that it's not making the rest of her life productive (as it should be at age 21), then she does need help. She is the one who needs to go on with her life.
At the same time, I don't see why she feels she needs to leave or have him grow apart from her - and make an official goodbye. Why can't a friendship remain a friendship? What is the big deal? Those kids I spoke of . . . eventually we all parted ways because that's the way it is with life . . . but I am still in contact with a few of them. They've all grown up - like all kids do - and although we don't meet or talk all the time like we used to, it's still nice to be able to say hi every now and then to see what they've been up to.
Instead of telling her what to do (she's going to do what she's going to do no matter what anyone says), ask questions that make her think. Where does she think this friendship is leading to - if she feels he's more than just a friend? What is she going to say when one day he feels he can confide in her . . . and he starts talking about a girl in class that he's interested in? What is she going to do when he feels like hanging out with more kids his peers instead of her?
Well, good luck to you for trying to help your friend!
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