Dead Words

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Do you ever wonder how in the world life gets so difficult to figure out? One minute you know what you are doing, where you are going, and where you will end up... And suddenly it all changes. You spend numerous years doing the same thing.. day after day.. and it's gone in the blink. You do what you feel is your best and hope that it's enough. And years later you find out that it was all in vain. I've been a writer for as long as I can actually remember, but I pinpoint it to the age of 9 because that's when I found out that these things that I was putting on paper meant so much more to me than to anyone else..and it felt amazing to get them out to where I could see them! I could make the words real and have feeling and I could make my mom cry! lol! That's when I knew! My mom has been my biggest fan my whole life! and has never turned me away when I asked her to read something. She saw the best in me. Perhaps that's a mom's job, but I always felt that what we had went far outside the normal "let's slap this on the fridge!" relationship. I grew to take pride in my work, there are volumes that I've written that no one has seen, except me. There has not been a day that I wasn't writing.. each day that I wrote was not just because I wanted to but because I felt like I had to pour me out on paper or on a screen or else I would dam up and overflow. A need that is similar to having an itch and scratching it... You know the feeling and how to get rid of it.. it's just something you do. My writing has carried me through many heartbreaks, many big events in my life, and many ramble sessions when I felt I needed to say something, but I didn't know what until it unfolded on a page before me. Life seemed simple, I had these words inside me and some were worthy of sharing.. and some not so worthy and some so private... that I wrote them, never to return to read the words again. I was a writer.. by every meaning of the word. Then suddenly, without warning.. everything changes.. Had I only been fooling myself? All these years? Last night I sat down to write like I have for so long and as I put my fingers on the keyboard... nothing happened. Nothing! Have I finally drained all the words out? Was it a gift that I just THOUGHT I had? Or is my time up? If so... What now? Is this it? The day the words... died?