When do you share a secret with your child?
By fairy032779
@fairy032779 (9)
United States
September 21, 2009 8:55am CST
I realize that I am new here, but I feel that this is possibly the best outlet for my question. I have already asked and received my family members and friends advice. Now I need some outside opinions. I have a secret to share with my oldest daughter who is 10 years old:
When I was 19 and in college, I became pregnant. The guy I was dating was a "fun" relationship. We were not in love and there was really no future for us. When I became pregnant, he offered to pay for an abortion and was very honest with me, saying that he was not ready for the responsibility of a child and marriage was out of the question. This didn't hurt me deeply, because honestly, I couldn't imagine being married to him, either. So, I decided to keep MY baby and moved back home. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and we lived with my sister and her child for the first year. I worked my butt off to provide for my child and never heard from her biological father again. When my daughter was 1 1/2 years old, I met a wonderful man, who adored my daughter. After only 6 months of dating we both knew that it was perfect and he proposed. We were married and he legally adopted my daughter shortly after that. When I got her new birth certificate in the mail and showed it to him, he cried and was overjoyed that she was finally really his. A year after we were married, we were blessed with another daughter. My husband treats both his girls exactly the same, showing no favortism in discipline or love. This leads me to my question:
Should I tell my oldest daughter that my husband is not her biological father even though he is her Daddy in every single way? Her biological father has still never made contact and it has been ten years. Does she need to know where she really comes from? How do you feel it will effect her either way?
Please let me know your thoughts on what I should do. All advice will be contemplated with an open mind. Thank you to all and I have greatly enjoyed reading all the discussions.
3 responses
@mzz663 (2772)
• United States
12 Oct 09
I think ten is a young age to be told. Has she asked any questions about differences between her and her sister that a huge differences in the way they look or act? I think I would wait until she starts noticing little things, give her age appropriate answers, what ever you think she can handle. You know her better than anyone else, I would want to make sure that she is secure enough and has plenty of self esteem before I would tell her everything. Probably little by little is the way I would do it. I would be afraid that if she got upset or angry at her dad, she would use that against him to hurt him, all teenagers go through a little rebellious stage and say all kinds of things to get what they want. I wouldn't want one of my kids using guilt against me. Then you might end up with a big sibling rivalry problem.
I would wait til she was a little older.
@mzz663 (2772)
• United States
12 Oct 09
I think you and your husband might want to talk about this together and decide when the timing might be right to do tell her. You should be the one to tell her, Then I would have a family discussion and let everyone in the household know that there are differences but you are still a family and that you and your husband love them both as individuals.
@fairy032779 (9)
• United States
12 Oct 09
Thank you mzz663. Luckily, there aren't many differences in my girls appearances. My oldest looks just like me and my youngest looks just like her dad, but they resemble each other enough that no differences are noticeable. I think I will wait a while longer, because she is a very well adjusted child right now and loves her father very deeply and I wouldnt want to but a damper on that relationship in any way. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.
@tonika1980 (155)
• United States
21 Sep 09
Speaking from past experience, your daughter deserves to know the truth. So many things come into play in situations like this. Family medical history for one. When filling out forms for doctors and such there are questions about both sides of the family...she can't honestly answer those questions without knowing her true identity. She could have more brothers or sisters out there somewhere. I understand that her biological dad hasn't tried to make contact, but someday she might want to meet any other siblings she has.
I know for you it has to be a really tough decision. My mom and dad didn't tell me that I had another dad until I was almost 13. Having waited so long, they had to deal with so many overwhelming emotions. Not only thiers. I was deeply hurt, angered, and felt like they had wronged me so bad. Now that I am a mom, raising three children from my husband's first marraige, I know what they went through. Only, I didn't wait as long as my parents did to tell my kids. As soon as my husband and I felt they were old enough to understand, we told them all about the situation. The news did nothing to affect the relationship I have with my kids. They all still love me just as much, and have told me on numerous occassions that I am the only mom they need and they love me very much.
Whatever you decide, I am sure that for your situation it will be the right choice. Myheart goes out to you. I know what you are going through. It's not easy. But everything will work out for the best. And let your husband know that he is a good man. Anyone who can take on the job of raising someone else's kids and still love them like their own is very special. I know my Daddy is on top of my list of heroes! He raised me from the time I was 6 months on, and has never thought of me as anything less than his baby!
@fairy032779 (9)
• United States
21 Sep 09
Its great to hear from someone that has actually gone through both sides of the situation....I really appreciate your comment.....I have faith that everything will work out.....and I do plan on telling her soon.....Posting this discussion really helped me work things out in my head.....I think I needed the vent.....Thank you for taking the time to share your story and thoughts with me.....
@calai618 (1773)
• Philippines
21 Sep 09
Yeah I really do think that she deserves to know the truth. As to when, I would not know, sorry. Maybe it'll only be you who can decide on that. If you think she is ready and strong enough to accept that fact, then go for it. I also believe that the longer you wait, the harder for the child to accept it because she will somehow equate you not saying the truth to "lying" and depriving her her identity. I also think that if you tell her sooner, especially now that she is still dependent on you, it will be easy for her to accept the truth and continue living with you unlike when she learns the truth at her young age when she can finally decide on her own..she might abandon you..But of course these are just my opinions. It would always be best to seek for professionals' advice. This isn't a simple matter and a life of a child is at stake. Good luck to you!
@fairy032779 (9)
• United States
21 Sep 09
I really appreciate your advice.....I know in my heart that she needs to know the truth....I also know that I'm in for some mixed emotions.....Luckily my daughter and I have a very close, open relationship.....other than this I have kept nothing from her.....I just worry so much about this because it affects her feelings and Im worried how her reaction will affect my husband as well....I will work this out in my head and do the right thing for her.....Thank you so much
