Why does he want to have a baby right now?
By BellasMom
@BellasMom (17)
United States
September 22, 2009 10:30am CST
I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. This past year we have been going through things that have made us stronger. But, one thing really bothered me. He made every effort to get me pregnant. He has been talking about wanting to have a son. I already have a daughter, though he isn't her father. I am currently working on my pre-med right now and have my mind fully focused on the future. I love him and I do eventually want to have another child. But, I know that this time around I want to do things right for myself and my daughter, most importantly. She deserves more than just any guy than isn't sure. Basically, after months of talking about it here and there, we eventually got into the subject of marriage. He said that he doesn't know me well enough to say whether or not he can marry me. He also said that he would need to move in with me first and then he would know. I know that we live in a time where people live with their spouses before getting married. But, I am very concerned about the stability of my daughter. I do not want to move-in with someone that isn't sure about how he feels. I feel that I would be at more risk of disaster. As much as possible I do not want my daughter to be affected emotionally. She is still young and she would not be able to understand. I grew up in a home where my father was never around and eventually cheated and left us. I was lucky that I was much older, but my younger sister could never understand it and she grew up not realizing how deeply it had affected her. I know that there are risks in every thing we do in life. But, don't you think it's kind of stupid to jump into something when you are already warned that there are no guarantees? I think it would be completely different if he had some idea of how he felt about us. Of course things happen and I can accept that, but he closes of his heart to us. Either way, he already told me that as of now, he did not want to get married. It wasn't even a maybe. Secondly, it wasn't that he never wants to get married. It's that he doesn't know if he wants to marry me. So, I feel that putting myself and my daughter in that situation would only be asking for a problem. Anyway, I told him that I could not move in with someone unless I had some type of idea where the relationship was going. He said that he was not ready to get married. After he buys a house, he will consider it. He used reasons along the lines of not being completely ready or "stable." This just really made me upset. He has a good job. He has no debt and he is very good with saving and budgeting his money. I am the one who is not ready because I still have a way to go to complete my education. Secondly, I have a child and i know how hard it could be especially when you do not have the support of the absent parent. With all the information i have just provided, give me your opinion. Don't you agree that having a child requires much more stability than getting married? Should the two scenarios even be compared? If a person wanted and was planning to have a child, shouldn't he be financially and mentally ready for it? Why would a guy plan to have a child with someone even though he wasn't sure about how he felt about her? I appreciate all your comments. Thank you in advance!
2 people like this
9 responses
@kprofgames (3091)
• United States
22 Sep 09
I"m sorry and I am going to be honest here, but what is he thinking? Why would buying a house make him ready to be married? That doesn't make sense to me. And if he wasn't ready to 'settle down' then why he is so driven to have a baby? That doesn't make any sense either.
The fact that you two have been together for 4 years says that you DO know each other enough. Him moving in with you is just a cop out on taking the next step together. Sounds like he is selfish to put these limitations on you. I want a baby, so you'd have to redirect your focus from school. I want to live with you, but I fully understand your stand point on your daughter. Children aren't a science experiement, there can't be trial runs when it comes to involving them into relationships where another person moves in. And the excuse "to see if I'm ready" well after 4 years buddy you still don't know??
I know that being in a relationship is nice. I also know that after so long you just get into a routine or maybe a better word for it is a rut. You're used to it so you turn a blind eye to a lot for the sake of holding on to what you know.
But, you have your daughter and your own goals. It seems to me that he's not looking at them as important factors in your life because he wants to compromised what is important to you. If he were the man for you, then he's be helpig and sharing your goals - not trying to take those goals from you.
@kprofgames (3091)
• United States
22 Sep 09
How can a guy be practical if he's looking at it from the mantality of a little boy? I think it's time to let the little boy go and make room for a full grown man to enter your life.
@BellasMom (17)
• United States
22 Sep 09
Yeah! His "practical" thinking is just twisted, don't you think? Thanks for your input.
@BellasMom (17)
• United States
22 Sep 09
I love and totally agree with your honesty! Like I've mentioned to another commenter, he thinks that only girls would think this stuff and that all guys are "practical" and would agree with him. Fortunately, I don't buy it. I've been realizing everyday that this "routine" is getting old and that my daughter deserves better. Thank you for your honest and accurate response.
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
22 Sep 09
DON'T DO IT!! Really, seriously DO NOT!! I think your apprehensions are red flags. He is ready for kids but not marriage??? Make sure to keep yourself protected or you could very well be raising another child alone. My ex....he pushed the marriage and children thing while I was in the same situation as you....raising a child from a previous marriage. Looking back there were some red flags but I swear I didn't see them. I loved him and for the most part, we got along great. I also was working on a career and was so so close when I got pregnant. Then he wanted me to stay home...I did. And then the beatings began. Long story short, after we got divorced, we talked and he admitted to me that the marriage and the kids were important to him because at then he "knew" he had me. I did work at home but hmm...needed to have that home for my income. He made it very difficult financially to leave him and support our children. I did it and I raised them. Please think long and hard before moving forward with this guy. From what you wrote...he is trying to get you pregnant when you are not ready for it?
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
23 Sep 09
Your situation may be different than mine. I don't know. I would tell my daughters and anyone who asks....If you have a gut feeling ...listen to it. It is telling you something. Maybe something that you don't want to hear but something you need to pay attention to. It could be something the two of you could work out but in the mean time don't make any major life decisions like having a child. I did it with no regrets but it is not a life I would want for my daughters or reccomend to anyone.
@BellasMom (17)
• United States
22 Sep 09
Thank you for sharing your story. I always appreciate comments from people that have lived through it. We get along great, for the most part, just like you guys did. The only thing is that I could see what you are saying about red flags. He is a very great man, but I notice that he doesn't really appreciate me as a woman with goals and a future. I am in my pre-med and whenever we have discussions about health, diseases, researches, etc. he puts no value on my opinions. He actually tells me that I am wrong and swears that when he was in school, we learned otherwise. Keep in mind that he went to school for engineering, something totally different from medicine. Anyway, he also says that his mother told him to find a girl that would take care of him. She was a stay at home mother and so he prefers that I do all the cooking and cleaning. If anything, he said that moving in would be a test to see if I would do those things for him. It's so funny cause in these situations a girl never realizes how bad things are until she actually sits there and listens to herself say it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I really admire your courage in taking that step to save yourself. A lot of women that I have met or know were too afraid to ever leave those situations.
PS. Earlier this year and was trying to get me pregnant and I talked to him about it because I was really concerned. That's when he mentioned that he wanted a baby. Even though I have told him that there are a lot of changes that take place after a baby, he seems to think that it will be easy. He doesn't realize that even though family may be around to help, the ultimate responsibility falls on the parents.
1 person likes this
@ravinskye (8237)
• United States
22 Sep 09
Honestly, it sounds like you need to move on. It doesn't make sense that he doesn't know you well enough to marry you, yet he wants to have a child with you. It doesn't seem like he will want to get married ever. If you've been together 4 years he really should know by now whether he wants to marry you or not. I think you are right about not moving in together. If he moves in then decides it isn't right and moves back out then both you and your daughter will suffer that hurt. Sometimes people live together before they get married, but with a daughter involved and already 4 years of this relationship, I don't think moving in will change anything. I say move on.
@BellasMom (17)
• United States
22 Sep 09
You took the words right out of my mouth. I tried telling him those things and he swears that I only think that way because I am a girl! He says that all men would agree with him. Thank you for your comments. When you have been in a relationship with someone like my boyfriend, you get so used to their twisted explanations that you start second guessing yourself and thinking that maybe you are imagining things without even realizing it. Thanks.
@saralee1 (1983)
• United States
22 Sep 09
Understandably, from the guys point of view, I can understand where he is coming from. He wants to be a winner. He wants YOU to know he is a winner. Therefore, he wants the stability to prove that he is worthy of your affections, and can provide for you, and have a family, and support them well. That is all fine and dandy in candyland, but it doesn't work that way. Commit first, and then build from there.
that way you have a foundation to build upon. if it fails, so what? keep trying until it works out. as for him trying to get you pregnant? oh yeah, he wants connections with you, at least in some way. but this guy sounds super immature to not even consider marriage first, because he is not protecting your welfare, and that is just plain selfish. He is right though about moving in, a lot of couples do it. whether it be financially, or just to check their mate out, and see how well they work together. Ultimately the decision is yours, at least you are thinking about the future, and that is a good thing. And, wanting to get married, and provide a father for your child is ultra mature. kudos to you!
@BellasMom (17)
• United States
22 Sep 09
You know, for the 4+ years we've been together, I have really tried to put myself in his position. I think that' s why I've been able to not get so offended by a lot of the things he does and says. I understand that we are different. Everyone is different in one way or another. But, I think what just pushed me over the edge was that he has, indirectly, refused to understand why I feel the way I do. My child is really first in my life. Children are not toys. I almost feel like he is looking at his goals and has completely forgotten that I have a little girl to think of, too. Thanks for your comment. I appreciate any and all thoughts. I just want to make sure that there are other people out there who understand how I feel or, if I'm wrong, let me know. Sometimes talking to friends does nothing since they only tell you what they think you want to hear. Thanks!
@babykeka80 (2084)
• United States
22 Sep 09
First of all having a child is way more of a risk than getting married. Marriage can end abruptly and simply by divorce. Parenthood is for life. I would be very weery of this man. I think having a child is a control thing. You have to deal with him the rest of your life regardless of whether you want to or not. He could be trying to hold you back. Pregnancy would make it difficult for you to continue school plus its hard right after the baby is born. He in one aspect would be holding you back while he continues to thrive. He wants and child without living together? Don't you think that is weird for the child? Sounds to me like he wants to have is cake and eat it too so to speak. Just be smart and do what's best for you and your daughter. Best of luck in whatever you chose.
@involved62 (790)
•
23 Sep 09
Very difficult. But I agree with some of posts before me, it is maybe time to move on. It's also puzzling to me that he wants to make you pregnant yet he is not prepared to marry you (after 4 years of knowing you). Does he think you are a machine? If he is not prepared and sure now, when will he ever be? Having a child should be a joint decision because your child deserves the love and attention of both parents. Lots of luck.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
23 Sep 09
I totally agree with the decision that you have made about not wanting to have a baby with a guy that has no idea on whether or not he wants to marry you. I would have done the same. If I were in your shoes and even for the fact that you already have a daughter and then you moving in and let's say that the relationship was not going to work out then she would be confused. It would be even harder if you were to get pregnant by this guy and then he decides not to stay in the relationship, then he leaves and you're left to take care of two children but that would be harder. I would tell him you know what you're not sure what you want, whether or not you want to marry me and I don't want to try and move in and have a child with you when you are undecided and then we move in. Explain that you are thinking about your daughter as well, because it is not only just involving you, but its involving her as well. I think that it would just be best to let him know how you feel and he should be able to understand were you are coming from.
@milkcow (99)
• China
23 Sep 09
Well, let me give a different view on this than everybody else. I'm a guy myself and I know I was a bit similar (though not exactly) at some stage, the thing is he can just have bad intentions, but his intentions could also be good in a way. Know that sounds awkward, but I was with a girl a few years ago and also wanted a child very badly, luckily for me she wanted the same thing. Though we tried quite hard we failed and only managed to conceive after a few months, 3 months after we got married (we started trying about 10 months before), though I know I might have been wrong, even if we did succeed it would've turned out the same way. It's a bit risky I know, but you should know the other person well enough after 4 years to decide by yourself. I was scared of getting married in the first place, I don't know, us guys are like that, but finally went through with it, though I wasn't scared to have a child, I guess it's just strange like that, I know people who have 2 or 3 children and aren't married, so I don't think the two should be compared. There's something just, I don't know, different about marriage, it scares people. I can honestly say the best excuse I've heard so far, and one that I believe, is people are scared their relationships will suffer after marriage, and it usually does, another mystery as to why, I see couples together with children who aren't married and they sometimes tend to be happier than the ones that are married. I don't know your boyfriend, so I can't say anything for sure, I'm just offering my opinion, maybe he feels that marriage would give you too much power over him, maybe he feels that it would change your relationship. I've heard people use the 'house' excuse many times, I don't own a house, I live 11000 miles away from my hometown, I have nothing, my most expensive possessions are my mobile phone and computer, yet I'm happily married and have a 1 year old daughter. Having a child requires stability for sure, mental stability, it does not require wealth even though many would disagree with me, some people associate marriage with wealth, I know many people who refuse to marry either because they don't have a house or their partner doesn't, it's plain silly.
@lovelyn_medrano (3070)
• Philippines
23 Sep 09
If I where in your shoe, I will not move in with this guy. He is very straight in saying that he is not yet ready to get married. He is not even sure if you are the woman he wants to marry in the near future, if not yet now. Like what you said, there is no assurance. Why will I risk my future to someone who doesn't even sure if he loves me. Yes he wanted to have a kid but that doesn't mean that he is ready to be a father. He may be a good provider for he has a good job (as you said) but emotionally is he ready? Think about that. Having a kid needs alot of commitment and as you describe your man, it seems to me that he is afraid of commitment. Better tell him to analize first what he really wants and what he really feels for you. Its like he wanted you but wants his way out once things went wrong. That is not a good attitude of a mature person. I am not saying that this man is irresponsible but at this point he is not yet ready for a serious commitment. Its like he wants trial first then once got soffucated will say good bye to you without any hassles. He might even say to you if ever that time comes, you agreed to him with that kind of arrangement. Too bad for you.
You have been trip before when the father of your daughter left you so it is just wise to be careful for the second time. Remember it will be very traumatic experience for your daughter to have a hope of having a father then end up the other way around. It is really stupid to go on when your man is telling you frankly that there are no guarrantees, no expectations... Your man must understand that relationship doesn't have trial and error. Its not an experiment that he can abort anytime he wanted. It is not role playing.
If he does love you really, he will understand where your coming from. He will respect your decision and would wait for you. Have your daughter and your future secured first. Make your daugther as your top priority.
