Is this a betrayal from a close friend?
By joan76
@joan76 (16)
September 22, 2009 7:17pm CST
I shared a trial I was going through with a close friend, and asked her not to say anything to anyone. She was pushing me and pushing me to tell the church we go to but I told her No, I wasn't ready to have them involved yet. Over the next month she kept pushing me about it through messages and emails (because of this, I was pretty much avoiding contact with her )and so she went to our pastors wife and told her I was going through "something", and that I wasn't willing to listen to her about going to the church with it, and that I wasn't answering her phone calls or messages and so she was worried about me. When I found out she did this (from a call from our pastors wife)I confronted her about it, and her response was (shockingly!), "I was just trying to help you, and if you feel like I did something to destroy trust between us then I guess I should say I'm sorry, and I hope we can be close again soon." Would you feel as betrayed as I feel if this were your situation? I went from having my privacy, to having everyone we know knowing that I had a problem in my life, since everyone we know also goes to this church!
1 person likes this
11 responses
@kprofgames (3091)
• United States
23 Sep 09
I don't think you were betrayed by the friend as much as you were by the minster and his wife. This was a personal issue and your friend was trying to help you out. She was only seeing something you were not; however, that fact that the entire church now knows this makes me think that this church is more interested in gossip than helping a person.
I can't blame a friend, you never stated what was going on and if she say this as a huge threat to you she was seeking help herself in trying to handle it. The fact that the entire church knows now is the betrayal that I would feel.
I think I'd want to know how everyone else knows and then I'm make my finaly choices on who I trust and who I don't.
@joan76 (16)
•
23 Sep 09
Thank you for your response kprofgames. This is how everyone at our church now knows: she told pastors wife who told our small group leader ("so she could care for us") who then told our small group (15 people from our church) "for prayer cover" and then of course we all know out of 15 people, some are bound to be tale bearers so within a couple of weeks everyone basically knew something was going on. Anyway, I have considered what you have said about her seeing something I didn't, and I know she thought she was right about how I should go to the church with it all, but I still can't get past that I asked her not to specifically - and even expalined why I didn't want her to- I guess because I had a worry she might do this in my heart, knowing how she is(she is very brown nosing to the pastors wife, always trying to get on leadership commitees and get her kids friends with their kids, etc. and I have seen her run to them with "information" on situations with other people before, inlcluding her own spouse. Stupid me, I never thought she's do that to me!)
@kprofgames (3091)
• United States
23 Sep 09
Okay now knowing that she is to blame, along with the pastors wife. If this issue wasn't specific they should have said 'a friend in need' and not used your name.
If your friend is using you to better herself with the church, then she has her interests in the wrong direction. She is trying to climb up a social ladder THOUGH A CHURCH NO LESS by using your own heartaches.
I wouldn't trust that friend again. I would also have a conversation with this ministers wife and ask her point blank why she used your name for these prayer sessions. Shouldn't the church be a place of Sanctuary? Shouldn't they protect and serve over making you feel more uncomfortable? I would stand up and have a word or two with her because she broke the code.
And seriously, if your church is all about brown noses and seeing who can get the goods on another person, I'd seriously think about changing your churches. I had to because of the line of BS that was going on in mine. Maybe for your own sake and sanity if not anonymity, I have and I would again if I felt betrayed by those that are put here to help me the most.
@joan76 (16)
•
23 Sep 09
Thank you, kprofgames. I don't have those issues with my church at large, it is more an issue with her, not wanting her to help make my struggle public. But, that is exactly why I didn't want her to tell anybody- because I knew that this would happen. If the church thinks you have a problem, of course they want to help you, and I (usually!) love that about my church, except for in this case- because my views on what is going on is different than thiers in this case. In other words, I disagree with them on this one issue. And it is just one or two issues, so I figure noplace is perfect and deal with it my own way. I also can't say that I like the whole brining me out for prayer cover thing to the whole group, but that is to be expected at my church because that is how they deal with things, very much everyone relying on fellowship for support in their lives- and also there is the protection for the leaders they have set up (that they're not keeping any secrets for anybody, so they disclose whatever is confessed/ brought to their attention between pastors and group leaders.) I have already told my group leader and my pastors wife that what my friend alluded to was not as bad as they are now imagining it could be, and that I will discuss it when I am ready to. Of course, now my friend has gone around telling people that I won't speak to her now because of this, and that is adding to the rumor mill fuel. There are really only a handful of people who are the gossipers, they just make life hard for me - I figure every church has a handful of them, we are all human, right.
@cherrc (661)
• Philippines
23 Sep 09
hi there. i really dont know how to put it. ur friend may be really worried about u. she may have said it to the church to probably somehow, loose the burden on ur part. unfortunately for her, u made the rule. it was u who have problem and u asked her to keep it. what she had was merely a suggestion and yours is still the call whether or not to let the church know about it. i dont know if that was betrayal, i believe u're the only one who can decipher that. but what i can say is that she forgot to know her place in that situation. the intention maybe good but inexcusable. ü
@AcousticSoul (1309)
• United States
23 Sep 09
Well it sounds like to me your friend is really concerned for your circumstances, she went over your head in which was not right. she should have respected your wishes to keep your situation private until you felt comfortable to talk about it to your pastor. I don't think you should ignore her but just explain how that made you feel and how she was way over baring. I do beleive she was trying to help you and didn't mean to cause extra harm. tell her you need a little time but don't cast your friend out
@CALLIBAN (278)
• Portugal
23 Sep 09
Hi Joan76. First of all, welcome to mylot.
You are right to feel betrayed. I also would.
I don't go to church, but I don't need to be religious to tell you this from my heart:
Forgive her.
She already asked for your forgiveness. "Let He Who is Without Sin Cast the First Stone". Forgive her but tell her how you feel and that yes: she put your trust in her at stake.
I know that it´s hard for you now to trust her again, but that also depends on the type of friendship you both have. If this is the first time she had this behaviour then you really should forgive her. You must understand that despite her error, she only did it because she thought she would be helping you. After all, the church should be a place of peace and friendship. If not, why bother?...Well, this is another discussion and I dont' want to to injure susceptibilidades...)
If this is normal, I mean: If this kind of behaviour in your friend is normal, well probably I will be a little agressive here, yet sincere: maybe you should review if your close friends are real close friends...
@CALLIBAN (278)
• Portugal
23 Sep 09
You're welcome friend.
...but give time to time...Don't say "never". If your old friendship meant a lot to her, she will (have to!) find something to prove it.
Let her alone awhile...She has to to come to the conclusion that her attitude was bad...
Take care:)
@joan76 (16)
•
23 Sep 09
Thank you calliban for your response, I have thought about what you have said and while I did tell her that I forgave her, but would not trust her again, so therefore we could never be as close, the relaity of it since then has been that I don't even look at her or talk to her at all, so I do still need to forgive her in my heart. I guess I don't feel like she was really doing it to help me, I pretty much believe that she was doing it out of frustration/anger (and quite possibly some self righteousness) that I wouldn't respond to all her calls and emails and that I wouldn't take it to the church, as she thought I should. It would take some big revelation of more information that I don't know about to clear her on that one with me. It is absolutely true that the church should be and usually is a place of friendship and truth and peace. Of course, human is human and we are all prone to sin and unworthy desires. So, I'm not so surprised to see people being people, however if it were my church leaders acting like this I would be very much upset. So far, I just don't like that everything has to be shared with everyone(but I guess I can understand why they do it.) I am just a very private person, and not so much into crying on the group sleeve. Thanks for your comments about forgiveness :)
@bing28 (3795)
• Philippines
23 Sep 09
I understand how you feel, she may have good intentions but the mere fact that you asked her to keep to herself what you had told her, as a close friend she should have follow you. Friends must have respect for one another. I can't blame you for getting mad and feeling betrayed.
@lovelyn_medrano (3070)
• Philippines
23 Sep 09
It is just normal for you to feel betrayed. You told your problem to her, thinking that she will keep it to herself. She should have respect your decision and make you solve your own problem. Let you decide when your ready to share your situation to others. As a friend, she should have just listen you and give you advices. That is what a friend does. Respect each others privacy and decisions. She should not and must not force anyone to follow her advice especially if the person concern is not yet ready to take any actions. She should have given you time and space.
But you must also remember that she did that because she was worried about you. You started to avoid her and not even returning or answering her calls. May be she got super worried about you. Take into consideartion also that may be she was just trying to help you. Though we know her way of helping you is not right.
Talk to her about how you felt. And explain why you feel betrayed. Accept her apologies but tell her not to do that again, ever.
@lovelyn_medrano (3070)
• Philippines
23 Sep 09
You are very much welcome. Its my pleasure to help and give advice to others. Goodluck! May you find solution to whatever you problem are in.
@patrice7 (1191)
• United States
23 Sep 09
Hello joan. I think that your friend was just really concerned about you so she thought that the right way to help you might be to ask for advice and guidance to your ministry. She wants to show her support. She might have felt that you really needed help. Now because of her concern, your problem accidentally got out in the public which makes you mad because you feel your privacy has been breached. I hope that right now you are feeling well and not bearing the grudge too badly. Since all things have already happened, its not good to harbor bad feelings to people who want to help you even if they hurt you in some ways. I hope that you could forgive your friend and talk to her that you have been hury by what she had done. Tell her straight the implications of her actions and that you hope next time it would not get this way again. Hoepfully you have resolved the problem that you have. Personally I think that you should not mind about what people might be talking about, i think you should concentrate on how to solve your problem and making your life better. Friends are good sources of strength and you may have a lot in your church so dont worry. Trust God and have a nice day.
@thea09 (18305)
• Greece
23 Sep 09
Hi Joan and welcome, of course this is a betrayal. If you confide a confidence in someone and stress that you want it to go no further then of course as a matter of course it should stay only with that person. Just the same as one would keep someone elses confidences to themselves. It sounds like this christian friend was more interested in being the bearer of your news than having any respect for your wishes. All you can do is be wary of sharing personal things again unless you know they are the real friend who would never dream of betraying someone.
@kutedarsu (254)
• India
23 Sep 09
Its very natural to feel betrayed in that situation. Its not easy to get back to someone who has betrayed you. But then to forgive that friend will make you evolve as a person. But certainly not something to be forgotten. Trust broken is broken forever.
@moneygail4 (77)
• Philippines
23 Sep 09
Your friend was trying to help you out but in what way? what did she expect? you'd tell everyone in church you're going in a trial? that's foolish you know!!! i've had a lot of "friends" like yours and ended up pretty much in the same situation as you... cloaked with all the gossip lovers... it's sad... but it's only normal you felt betrayed. i don't know bout you but i'd stay away... at least for some time... and i'd promise myself never to share private info with this person again!!!
@Henri_Clemens (47)
• Canada
23 Sep 09
Trust is probably the most important aspect of a friendship but friendship isn't always the most important aspect of a relationship. what i'm trying to say is that if a person is willing to jeopardize their friendship with you because they feel they can help you it may be worth it. personally, i have had to confront a friend about problems they were having. Even though it meant taking away their privacy and probing their minds i knew this was for their own good. after, for about two weeks this person would not talk to me until i confronted them again and told him "i know i've lost your friendship and i dont expect to get it back but you need help." we never enjoyed the same friendship as before this happened but in the few time i've have seen him since he has gotten better.
