Would You Continue??
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
United States
October 8, 2009 5:15am CST
I've written the first 300 words of a story, and I'm just wondering...would you continue reading!? Did I do enough with the beginning, or do I need to work on it to hook more people?
Molly stared out her window, watching Starburst sleep in the tree. The cat’s orange body stretched across a large branch, bright in the moonlight. His ears and nose twitched, his body shuttered involuntarily. Starburst whipped his head up and gazed at the moon. He stood up, never lowering his eyes from the sky.
Molly watched Starburst pace back and forth on the branch, looking up the whole time. Then he froze; stare fixed, ears alert.
Something snapped.
Starburst arched his back, hackles raised, and hissed wildly at the moon. He threw himself backwards until he hit the tree’s body. He spun around and dug his claws into the bark. He continued to hiss at the moon as he held the tree.
Molly screamed when her cat flung himself from the tree and hit the ground, his back leg bending unnaturally. Starburst ignored the break and streaked across the yard, hissing the entire way.
Thomas staggered out the front door in his boxers, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Molly bounded out from behind him.
Thomas grabbed her arm, “whoa! Now just hold on.”
“Daddy we’ve got to find him! He hurt himself!”
“You need to go back inside, you shouldn’t even be awake.”
Jane appeared at the door, tying a robe around herself. “Molly come on. Daddy’ll get him.”
Jane took her daughters hand and led her back inside. Thomas searched around the house for the cat, but ten minutes later went back into the house empty handed. Molly let out a small cry.
“Honey, he’s probably out running around.”
“But he fell out of the tree!”
“He’s a cat. That didn’t hurt him. He probably saw a mouse. He’ll be back in the morning for breakfast, you’ll see. Now, time to go back to bed!” Thomas and Jane led their daughter back to her room, and tucked her in. They kissed her goodnight and returned to bed.
Molly stared out her window, the moon shone bright in the black sky.
Thanks so much for reading, and any comments you have!!! I invite CONSTRUCTIVE critism with open arms!!!!
1 person likes this
11 responses
@indybaty (368)
• Panama
9 Oct 09
Your quite good as a writter! And I envy you too. I use to write but I dont anymore. I just, dont feel that I can do it, but anyway, this is about you so from what I read, it was quite good...
However, just to say, talk a bit more about mom and dad, I mean, mentioning how they are in a way as character so there can be more of a hook up, because I could feel Starburst more as a character that overshadowed Molly and the rest, now, unless that is what you want to capture then dont mind me!
Happy Mylotting.
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
9 Oct 09
Thanks Indy!! 
I'm glad you like it!!
In fact, Starburst is suppose to over shadow the family No one in this story (including starburst) are going to be important characters. I'm still deciding whether or not they will be mentioned again...Starburst MIGHT be, but I don't think the people will be! 
I'm glad you like it!!
In fact, Starburst is suppose to over shadow the family No one in this story (including starburst) are going to be important characters. I'm still deciding whether or not they will be mentioned again...Starburst MIGHT be, but I don't think the people will be! @LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
9 Oct 09
hehe, thank you! :P I just have to correct a smalle error in my last post because if I dont it'll drive me crazy...lol. I meant to say that no one in THIS part of the story is important...not the whole story! There will defeniatly be some important people in the story! :P
Why are you upset at work!?! 
Emotions can defeniatly help someone write a good story! lol
Emotions can defeniatly help someone write a good story! lol
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
9 Oct 09
Well it seems obvious that the cat was not acting like a cat. It sounds like the start of a good horror novel. But him whipping and gazing seems rather incongruous. If Starburst's body was taken over by an evil force like a demon, he would not just gaze at the moon, he would look at it in a sort of hypnotic trance as if he was no longer a cat. However if the cat recognized something that humans could not detect, he would act the same way - instinct to danger and that would mean that the evil force thrust the cat against the tree. (good thing they have nine lives(
So there are in my mind two possiblities, a horror movie about demonic possession or invasion from outer space.
It is a good start, shows ominous danger and better then the going down in the basement where the killer lurks scenerio in many movies.
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
12 Oct 09
A crazy cat lady would work, especially if the story is for families. Now I have to find out why the cat is fixated with the moon. The cat from outer space perhaps, wanting to return home?
Am I getting silly these days. That's the trouble with having a good imagination. 
If you decide to continue the story, you could try joining one of the Yahoo writing critique groups, but make sure it is private membership only. I was on a couple when I first started writing with the intent to publish. That way you will avoid someone stealing your story and claiming it as their own.
If you decide to continue the story, you could try joining one of the Yahoo writing critique groups, but make sure it is private membership only. I was on a couple when I first started writing with the intent to publish. That way you will avoid someone stealing your story and claiming it as their own.@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
9 Oct 09
Thanks suspenseful! :) The cat is NOT possessed :D hehe...I actually probably wouldn't do well with that considering it scares the crap out of me! :P
Nothing threw the cat against the tree-he did everything to himself just out of the fear. When he bumped into it as he was backin up he just reacted by grabbing on to it.
I'm glad you liked it!!! :D
1 person likes this
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
10 Oct 09
LOL! Maybe I should add a crazy cat lady to my story! ;P But nooo that's not what this story is about!
There are some things that I put in the beginning to show just how frightened the cat is...for example, he runs on a broken leg--which I woudl imagine takes effort! lol
The cat does fixate on the moon the most during his fit--and that does have to do with the story :D
1 person likes this
@loudcry (1043)
• India
8 Oct 09
I would keep reading this book, because it has stirred up some curiosity. What has happened to the cat? Why was he hissing at the moon? This story could go many places from here. Do you already have the theme and plot of the book in mind. The most important criteria I use to judge a book is its theme. The second aspect will be the plot. A thick plot can be interesting, however it has to be subservient to the theme.
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
24 Oct 09
No, it's not a childrens story.
The dog wouldn't actually be in the story, I would just be mentioning a dog howling...I think it may add to mystery as to why the cat freaked out.
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
8 Oct 09
Yes, I already have an idea for this story...in fact I started it once before (in a completely different way)...and one day while I was typing some of it I realized I wasnt happy with it. So I thought up some new ways too approach it and I came up with this beginning this morning :) I'm much happier with it so far!
I actually forgot to add something to the beginning...so you can help me decide whether or not to add it! :P At the end of this I wanted to add something about a dog howling down the street or something...that sound good or do I have enough now?
Thanks loudcry! :)
@tutul0045 (2630)
• India
8 Oct 09
Hey lily,
Well what i can say is you have good writing skills. You can always develop it further and improve even more. I read your story and I wonder whether you are writing a suspense novel .
Hmm.. I cannot criticize it as iam not a very good writer. I like to read and reading yr descriptions was fun.
The cat’s orange body stretched across a large branch, bright in the moonlight. His ears and nose twitched, his body shuttered involuntarily.
I found this part very attractive.
Love to read your entire story and keep us updated.
Cheers,
Tutul
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
8 Oct 09
Thank you very much tutu! I defeniatly know that ANY story could always use more editing...I just wrote what I shared here in about 10 minutes and didn't edit at all before posting! lol. So it's still a rough draft! :)
I like being descriptive when I write! I'm glad you noticed!!!!!
The story I have in mind is KIND OF a suspense...but with a twist I'm not giving away any more!!!! lol
I defeniatly know that ANY story could always use more editing...I just wrote what I shared here in about 10 minutes and didn't edit at all before posting! lol. So it's still a rough draft! :)
I like being descriptive when I write! I'm glad you noticed!!!!!
The story I have in mind is KIND OF a suspense...but with a twist I'm not giving away any more!!!! lol @tutul0045 (2630)
• India
9 Oct 09
Hey again,
Now iam more curious to know what actually happened to the kitty. U have created a good suspense and now you got to tell us what happened next.
Well I dont think u need any editing here. Iam not a writer,so lets c what others have to say about it.
I hope u will complete the story and publish it as well. Wish u all the good luck! 
Cheers,
Tutul
Cheers,
Tutul@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
9 Oct 09
Let's just say...the cat knows something we (people) don't! lol
Believe me...if I ever get a story published my friends at mylot will hear about it! lol.
Thanks!!!
@ElicBxn (63594)
• United States
11 Oct 09
Okay- I've been holding this thinking about it.
I would continue reading IF there were a few things changed.
I know you are probably going to be surprised, but orange cats don't show up well in the moon light, in fact, they are surprisingly dark, a fact that they've been successful hunters for thousands of years, because to the colorblind, they are not that different a shade from a light brown tabby.
Now, if you want to make him orange and white, with the white spots showing up, that would work.
Also, I doubt in the dark she could see his leg getting bent, but if she's little enough, she could still think he was hurt. Just cutting this phrase out "his back leg bending unnaturally. Starburst ignored the break" would allow the story to flow without much change.
are you going to post more?
@ElicBxn (63594)
• United States
12 Oct 09
the roomie is color blind - so she lives in a black and white world.
she kept telling me that one of our orange cats was lighter than the others, and one morning I saw them in the twilight where my color vision didn't work, and she was right. But both of them looked about the same color as Tony, who is a light brown tabby - a dilute brown, and on the cats really they didn't show up well except for the white.
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
12 Oct 09
Ooh I see! Well that is defeniatly an interesting piece of information to know for writing and stuff like that! That's my new thing I learned for the day! lol
Thanks!
1 person likes this
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
12 Oct 09
Wow! I am suprised by that, I would think that orange would be nice and bright and pretty in bright moonlight!--thank you for letting me know that!!! I will defeniatly add that the cat has white too!!
I didn't mean to sound like the little girl saw the leg bend...mentioning it was for the readers benefit. When the little girl says the cat got hurt, to me she was only saying it because she's little, saw her cat fall out of a tree, and assumes. I'll try to edit it though, some how! lol
I'm not sure if I'll post more of it or not...maybe if there is a part I'm unhappy with I might ask for help on here. But I won't post the whole story here.
Thanks for the help!!!
1 person likes this
@artistry (4151)
• United States
9 Oct 09
...Hi Lilyofthethorns, First of all, stop counting your words, let your story flow, write and write some more. If you are going to write, and you ask for constructive criticism, and it is too negative, will you keep writing? Write your story! Worry about whether people will keep reading when you find a publisher. Another thing, the next time you start a book, please don't post as much as you have posted here, your work could be taken and a movie could be made out of it, before you even get it published. People do some very unethical things sometimes, and using your ideas would not be something that they would think twice about. Even if no one did it, you make it too tempting. Sorry to say these things, but as one writer to another, these things crossed my mind. In fact if I were you I would see if I could have the bulk of your writing erased from the question, just a thought. I know writing is copyright protected, but how would you prove it was your idea. Take care. Keep writing.
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
9 Oct 09
I wasn't counting my words as I was typing, I did just let it flow and waited to see where it went naturally! :)
Yes, I would keep writing if someone gave me constructive critism...I would take it in, and if I agreed with them I would fix it...if I didn't I would either leave it how it is or just try to edit it myself a little bit.
This small section of the beginning doesn't give away what the story is about at all! I'm not too worried about my story getting stolen or anything. If I had to worry about it I guess my post here would help establish a time line...but really, I'm not too worried!
Did you at last like the story? lol
Thanks
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
10 Oct 09
LOL! I saw no reason to be rude to you Plus..I'm not very good at it anyways lol.
Ooo I didn't know Chris Rock was a thief! That's something you don't want on yoru record lol.
Thank you artistry! I'm glad you liked it!!
Plus..I'm not very good at it anyways lol.
Ooo I didn't know Chris Rock was a thief! That's something you don't want on yoru record lol.
Thank you artistry! I'm glad you liked it!! @artistry (4151)
• United States
9 Oct 09
.....Hi, You are a very nice person, I thought to myself, she is going to **** you out :o), but you were gentle. I had just heard about Chris Rock being sued for possibly stealing a woman's idea for his new movie. You are a talented person, you pay attention to detail and as one reads your copy, you feel you are there with the characters. You should have a very good book when you have completed it. What some
would call "a page turner". Good luck in your quest. Take care.
@millertime (1394)
• United States
9 Oct 09
Oh ya, I'm hooked. I would definitely have to keep reading to see what spooked the kittie. It sounds like you might have several book ideas you're working on. I hope you succeed and get published. It's something that I've always wanted to do too but I know I'm not that good of a writer. You've definitely got a good start here though.
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
9 Oct 09
Thank you very much! I'm glad you like it!!
I do have many stories that I've started--sometimes it's just hard for me to finish....if I get stuck on one I start another! lol. I know thats bad but I work on each story every so often...they proceed a little bit at a time :)
I'm glad you like it!!
I do have many stories that I've started--sometimes it's just hard for me to finish....if I get stuck on one I start another! lol. I know thats bad but I work on each story every so often...they proceed a little bit at a time :) @artistry (4151)
• United States
10 Oct 09
..Hi dear, that's because you have a good heart and you like people. I don't know if Chris is a thief for sure, but the woman is suing him, because she shared her idea with him, now he making a movie using the same idea.
One more suggestion for you, find someone, one person, who will review your work, objectively, that you can trust. It will be great to see your work in print. Good luck to you.
One more thing, when you finish the book mail a copy of the book to yourself, sign a page with the copy and date it...show that you are the author. This will be like a protection for you,if you don't get a formal copyright. Keep the package in tact, do not open it. Take care.
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
10 Oct 09
Ooo, well if the woman did share an idea with him--then she needs to get some credit!
Well if I actually ever do finish a story, and want to try to get it published, I will defeniatly take your advice if I dont get it copyrighted!!
Thanks artistry! :)
@mybeatrice (203)
• China
9 Oct 09
hello lilyofthe thorns, I have to admit that you are really good at description a scene. I think your writing is really good! I like your writing! Are you a freelancer?
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
9 Oct 09
Thank you very much!!! I'm glad you like it!
Right now I just write as a hobby. I've never tried to get anything published...but I am taking a creative writing class to improve my skills a bit!
@TheMonkeyKing (152)
• Philippines
19 Oct 09
Yes I would continue reading even if only to know, what the cat stared at. I'm wondering though, how a cat's body "shutters?" Like a camera shutter, that closes and opens in a circle? A window shutter, that closes and opens upwards and downwards?
Perhaps there is also the chance that you meant "shuddered?"
Hope I made some sense.
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
19 Oct 09
Oh my goodness! Did I really make the kind of error I just complained about?!?!? lol.
Yes, it is suppose to be 'shuddered'! Thank you for bringing that too my attention! :)
I'm glad you liked it! I am writing more to the story (ever so slowly) and I'm hoping I can really get it flowing sometime soon! :D
