Is a lie always just a lie?
By 3cardmonte
@3cardmonte (5098)
October 8, 2009 6:30am CST
Now let me start by saying that I DO lie!
Everybody lies, I don't care what they say! Nobody tells the truth all the time, and that's fair enough.
But is a lie always just that? Or can it be something else?
I know lies can be used to spare feelings, nothing wrong with that.
Sometimes people withhold information.
But isn't that just another form of lying?
But there are some things you lie about..... and some things you don't.
For example, I started talking to a woman on a dating site today, her profile says she does NOT have kids, but when I actually started talking to her, she said that she did.
When I asked her about it, she said that she wanted to keep that area of her life private and not just for any body that peeks at her profile.
Now I can understand her wanting to protect her child, but, she didn't have to post a picture or anything, just let people know that she has a kid, it says it right there"do you have children?" and the available answers are yes,no, or prefer not to say.
So she lied, she said she doesn't have kids but she does.
Is it that simple?
Or am I being too harsh?
Would you have said you didn't have kids when you do?
PS It's not the fact that she has kids I have a problem with, it's the fact that she lied.
2 people like this
13 responses
@1anurag1 (3576)
• India
8 Oct 09
i will say today in the whole world you will not find any who have not spoken ever a lie.
I will say that each time it is not bad even. and some time when we tell a lie for a good work it is greater than a truth which can ruin something.even a relation sometime.
but if i talk about myself i will say that i try to avoid telling a lie if there is a chance when i cant speak a truth. that can be the time when it could hurt some one or some time for sake of mine.
1 person likes this
@bettydeng5 (1822)
• China
8 Oct 09
Lie always exsits in the world, but the lie will cause the thing bad or good, so it need on basis of the lie to face what thing. Many people lied to others for othes to be a good condition, so this lie is a good lie, but if the one lied to others want to cheat others to get the benefit, so this lie is a bad lie.
@nooveggies (607)
• Indonesia
8 Oct 09
well everybody hates it when they found out that someone has been lying to them. But inevitably everybody do lie, just as you said. I think some people use lying to try to protect themselves. This remains a controversial matter. Based on your case, I figure the woman was just overprotecting herself. Maybe she was too afraid of internet privacy attack. I know a lot of my friends lie on their facebook or friendster profile too. But me, I'm totally with you. Just trying to understand those people..
@catdla1 (6005)
• United States
8 Oct 09
I think this is probably the first time that I haven't totally agreed with you, and for a couple of reasons.
First, parents who have children want to protect them. If she'd answered 'prefer not to say', let's face it...people usually assume that's a yes. Dating (and friendship) sites attract a lot of people and not all of them are nice. If somebody has a hidden predatory intent, innocent conversation can frequently give enough clues to establish where these kids are, and sometimes who they are. She may be trying to protect her kids from unknown people that she doesn't feel comfortable with. When my son was little, I did the same thing, until I got to know some one and felt more comfortable with sharing more information.
The second reason is that she may be answering that way to hide her own identity from some one in her past. If some one is looking for her they may rule out women without children.
I would cut a little slack for what some one says before they met you. What's more important is truthfulness and honesty to you now, since you two have started dialog. LOL...don't let my crabbing about my step-daughter influence you. She doesn't have a twin (that I know of). Good luck!
@3cardmonte (5098)
•
8 Oct 09
Maybe, but I still think,if she lied about that, then what else has she lied about?
As for truth and honesty....well it doesn't seem to be her forte.
1 person likes this
@catdla1 (6005)
• United States
8 Oct 09
Sounds like you have warning bells going off, and perhaps with good reason. Honesty is important to me, like it is for you, and I was only cutting slack because it was about her child(ren). If you suspect she habitually lies even to people she's getting to know, I would be leary too.
I met my husband online. Even though he'd given me no reason to suspect anything, I kept a journal of the important things he would say in conversation. I guess it was my way of looking for possible untruths. I never caught him in any, otherwise I wouldn't be married now.
If you are catching this woman in little 'white lies' and fibs in other areas you have every right to feel leary of her. You want to get to know a person, not the fantasy that they've created for themselves.
@Slatterbeen (24)
• Haiti
8 Oct 09
I think you are too harsh.
First, she had opened her heart to you and said that she wanted to protect her child or probably to be attracted by men or women easily, anyway she trusted you and you just go mad had her cause she lied ( and told you the truth after ).
Second, is that the fact that she has the kids or is it the fact that you didn't expect it to be that way ?
PS: I faced that situation too with a girl but I wasn't that harsh or mad at her, I just tried to understand her. I'm a man,
@3cardmonte (5098)
•
9 Oct 09
okay, first of all I didn't go mad at her, secondly I already stated it was Not the fact that she had kids that bothered me, it was the fact that she lied, which she did, whatever her reasons, she lied.
I don't care whether you're a man, a woman or a King Charles Spaniel, the bottom line is she lied.
@3cardmonte (5098)
•
13 Oct 09
I never professed to be, nor did I say that discussing my problem would "make her behave"
There are some things it's okay to lie about and some it isn't.
@Slatterbeen (24)
• Haiti
9 Oct 09
I understand that you must be the Queen of the trust-kingdom. So about the fact that she lied, are you gonna tell all the mylotters and make her behave ? she lied, you use to lie and everybody does, so who cares ? I think that I got it, you do. You are not mad, OK right but you didn't appreciate her lie . So I conclude that you do not like something that everybody is used to and because you expose it to us we need you to tell us the point.
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@sunkha (13)
• Bangladesh
9 Oct 09
My opinion is that a lie is always a lie.I know everybody lies but this is not right.It is hard to say true all the time but we should try to do so.I believe a lie always starts a problem.If you say true that will reduce your problem too.A lier is never trust able. In some cases a lie may hide you but not for long time.You may make a person happy by lying but it also make you fill guilty .In your life what will you want? A true friendship or a fake happiness? I believe you will take the first. So how could you expect the other.Most of the time its cheating.You only can lie a sick person to give hope and courage.
@manong05 (5027)
• Philippines
9 Oct 09
People lie for different reasons which are personal to them. They fear that exposing the truth will not do them good for what it is that they wish to accomplish or happen. In some cases, people don't actually lie but just withhold information but are willing to tell them if the situation demands. And this can not be considered a lie. The fact is, in real life, some things are better left unsaid. Outright lying reflects the person's inner character which is a matter of serious concern, it affects his/her credibility.
have fun
@Bluepatch (2476)
• Trinidad And Tobago
8 Oct 09
I guess we all lie. That's completely true. I lied today several times.
Its mostly done to protect yourself or others you care about or to protect your interests.
I see my bosses lie all the time and I see my co-workers lie constantly.
Its like - this is how it is - how its done - so what's new, anyway ?
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Oct 09
Lying about having kids while looking for a relationship is a disaster waiting to happen. Is there no way to just not answer the question? I can understand her not wanting to disclose private information, but the problem is, at what point does she get honest? Because if something turns into a relationship and then the person finds out she was lying, there goes that!
sometimes withholding information is just as bad as lying, just depends...
PS I never lie. Except when I do...
@vernapple (84)
• China
9 Oct 09
This is not all about lies, it's about what's behind the lie, what does the lie can take to people, what does the woman want.
i think that's point for all lies, we always lie for a reason. it's no matter about right or wrong, there's only where it can lead to. good or bad, we can't control, we just can analysis with our mind.
but we do can see something from the lies that people tell. if all the people are good, life can't be like this way which is impossible.
@purplealabaster (22091)
• United States
9 Oct 09
I think that if she had the option of "prefer not to say", then she probably should have used it. However, she might have figured that if she chose that option, then people would assume it was the same as saying that she does have them. I have encountered people that have asked me questions, and when I said that I preferred not to answer the question, they said that it meant that what they said was true. I told them it meant that it was none of their business, but they just couldn't accept that. The fact that she admitted during chatting that she does have kids, on the other hand, really doesn't make sense if she wants to keep that area of her life private.
I do not necessarily think that omitting information is the same as lying. I don't think that everybody has to know everything about me, especially when I am in a social situation that is related to my job. Well, right now I am a stay-at-home mom, but the job that I used to have required me to go to events and socialize from time to time. I would not lie to people at these events, but I would definitely omit things or avoid certain topics, especially if giving my real opinion would negatively affect my job.
@DCLehnsherr (1037)
•
8 Oct 09
Hi 3cardmonte,
I don't think the woman really did anything wrong in this, and not just for the reason of protecting her children either. In my mind the fact that she told you about the children in the end was a good thing, it sounds like she told you soon after you started talking which is why I think is a good thing.
Now when I first joined facebook I put that I was in a relationship, I would have said I was married but my mother added me and I didn't want any odd questions from her. Now I am actually single, but I know that facebook is a site different to mylot and other sites and I didn't want people thinking they could ask me out out on there, and the easiest way I could see to make sure they didn't was to make myself unavailable. Now I am a terrible liar, so when people ask about the relationship I come clean, and I recently changed it anyway because of my mother. But at the time the smartest thing to do seemed to be to lie to save myself those questions - though explaining why I lied did make the whole idea seem stupid really, but I don't believe it made me a bad person since I didn't Photoshop images and then go around pretending I was actually in a relationship till someone came round and asked where my boyfriend was, at which point I would have to come clean.
Now with the woman you mentioned I don't think she is doing it for the same reason as me (and may in fact be doing it for the opposite reason - to attract, rather than repel men) but in my experience I think that if a woman says she has children certain people avoid her. I think it is my mum who said this, or maybe it was on TV, but if a woman does then people assume she isn't as much fun as a single woman, or that she has more baggage (which may be true) and they just don't want to chat to her. I think the woman mentioned wanted people to warm to her first, to find out about her, and then when you were getting closer to her she would come clean about children because the foundations of friendship had been laid. That's my theory anyway, she didn't say it but I know this stuff and I live under a rock, so I think she might have.
I don't think you should judge her too harshly though, if she is a good person then this isn't too bad. If people wrote me off because of my lie on facebook then I would feel a touch sorry for them, but at the same time I could understand why they would be angry at me because of what I said. But my motives were innocent, misguided perhaps but they were logical, and I think that maybe it is the same for her.
All the best anyway and I hope this managed to get my ideas across in a coherent fashion
Dranz ![](/Content/images/emotes/thumbup.gif)
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