I will be comfortable if your parents are not living with us.
By manong05
@manong05 (5027)
Philippines
October 8, 2009 7:56pm CST
The parents are old and have nowhere to go. They used to rent a house when the children were young and they live together. The time came when the only daughter got married and fortunately was able to buy a house. Naturally, the parents live with them for they are no longer employed and are not able to find a job to pay for the rent. At first, everything was alright until one day, the husband said, I've had enough, I want to have our privacy, I can no longer live with your parents here anymore. The daughter was terribly hurt because her parents just want to have a place to stay and live a peaceful life. They don't want to be a nuisance and they refrain from interfering in domestic issues. They don't want to be a burden so they do everything to help out in house chores.
The daughter is in a dilemma trying to keep the balance. She wanted to follow her husband wishes but just couldn't find the right words to tell her parents.
What will you do in this case?
How will you tell your parents you want to consider your husband's wishes to live a normal family life?
3 people like this
11 responses
@shadow41 (2351)
• Philippines
9 Oct 09
Now this is the situation I'm afraid to encounter in the near future. My soon to be wife is also the only child.
In this story I think the husband is not being mean. Maybe his wife's parents have done something wrong. Maybe he can't be himself in his own house if his in laws are there. It's hard. Okay think of this. How can you be so sweet and sensual with your wife if your parents are always there? How can you make love without worries that they might hear you or worst see you? How can you do things you like when you know it's not appropriate for others eyes? You can't express yourself. It's not that easy right? I think they should just buy a new house or rent an apartment or even build a new house near for their parents and hire a caregiver or look for a close relative to live with them. It's hard but that's the way it should be.
@blungel0830 (841)
• Philippines
9 Oct 09
I'd say that poses a big problem for Filipinos. Filipinos find it unthinkable NOT TO take care of their aging parents.
@aceduave (61)
•
9 Oct 09
In Filipino customs, it is not right to abandon and old family most especially if they are your parents. me too, am afraid if time comes when my children wont receive us because were old and they needed their privacy. it's humanely unjust but since, family life is at stake here, the husband's request and needs must be met too. but if i were the wife? i would ask my husband what if someday, our child would abandon us the way you abandon my parents? how would you feel when you were kicked out out of the house with nowhere to go buy your child you wanted but privacy? do you think that is fair? let the guy realized that. because in filipino tradition, we care and nurture our parents the way they care for us when we were young.
@starsailover (7829)
• Mexico
9 Oct 09
Why is his husband asking her to make this terrible decition? What did her parents make wrong? He's her husband but her fathers are important too, she can't abandon them if they don't hae where to go. Maybe they need some couple therapy because what he's asking is not aceptable
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
9 Oct 09
If everything is as you say it is, I would tell my husband that either he moves out or I move out.
In most cases, young couples don’t like staying with elderly parents coz parents interfere a lot in all good intention maybe but their advise is not always welcome. Times change and challenges change too…so what was natural to our parents is no longer OK for us…parents fail to understand that and they do not leave us to take our decisions….frictions arise out of this.
But here the parents are non-interfering type and help around the house…also remember that there are many societies where the girl moves in to the in-laws house after marriage and everybody stays together. There also the girl is compromising on her privacy yet she cant say anything coz society is like that.
Here the husband is behaving in a downright brutish manner and no way the girl should give in. even if she does, she will know that she was wrong and she will have no peace of mind.
@manong05 (5027)
• Philippines
9 Oct 09
No matter how I symphatize in the man's desire for privacy, the idea of throwing the parents to the streets in unthinkable. The "streets" might not be what is in his mind but since they are old and have no means of either buying o renting a place to stay, they can mean the same thing. However, although this maybe an interweaving of several factors that is involved in marriage, the overwhelming issue here is the predicament of the parents which much be addressed by the couple.
well said sudipta, cheers!
@blungel0830 (841)
• Philippines
9 Oct 09
That would indeed be a very difficult situation for the wife. I wish I would never be forced into a similar situation myself. But granting that I were in her shoes, I'd probably read to my husband the Wooden Bowl short story. He will probably change his mind after reading it. Here is the link to the story:
http://www.indianchild.com/wooden_bowl.htm
I wish that the husband remembers that he, too, will one day grow old. I wonder what he would feel if he were the one being rejected by his own child?
@vernapple (84)
• China
9 Oct 09
i guess this is called generation gap. we can't avoide this happening but find a way to do the best.
i don't know what to say. but i know this is not right to keep them away.
@vernapple (84)
• China
9 Oct 09
yes. they raised you up, now it's time to look after them. it should be human's right behaviour. otherwise, it's animal.
@vandana7 (100617)
• India
9 Oct 09
No way - leaving parents helpless in that old age! What is my guarantee that kind of husband wont leave me for another woman! I'd choose parents over husband anyday. If there is one love that is absolutely certain and absolutely complete in 99 percent cases - it is the love of the parents for their children. Every other relationship is doubtful.
@xannebull (1793)
• Philippines
9 Oct 09
oh that sounds so upsetting, my parents are very much important, i will never let them leave the house if they have no place to live with. I would do anything for them, i will not care about my husband's wishes, my parent's are more important especially if they are old already.
@EnglishTeaDuck (862)
• United States
9 Oct 09
I think there may be cultural differences on this one in some cultures it is the norm to have your parents and extended family still live with you. Where I come from it is not really, though it depends on the situation and some do.
I don't think the husband is being unreasonable at all. When you get married you become a separate unit from your parents, and he has the right to ask that she put the marriage first. If it is affecting their marriage to have the parents there then she does need to consider that.
Its easy to judge but you don't know peoples individual situations and relationships with their parents. There is no way I could live with mine again, it would literally make me sick. It would just not be healthy for any of us to put back in what was an unhealthy abusive situation, and I feel they have already taken anything I owe to them and more from me.
So it is not a question for us - that and the fact Ilive in a different country!!
@moneymakingtoday (4061)
• Philippines
9 Oct 09
it would be mean and heartless to "throw" them away just like that. they have never been a nuisance in the house and hopefully, not meddling in any of the family decisions. if i were the wife, i will have a long talk with my husband about this. i will surely let him understand that my parents have nowhere to go; they are old; i am the only daughter and that nobody's going to take care of them except me; and that my parents have only a few years to live, so i will let them make the most of it rather than them being "nowhere". i will beg for him to let them stay and for us to do a little sacrifice until my parents leave this earth. then, i will make him feel a little guilt with: "if u love me, u will also love everyone i love just as i love ur parents". 
surely, i will let him see a future scenario with ourselves placed in the same situation when we reach old age. (is it safe to advise the couple to produce more kids now to address a likely situation for them in the future? )
surely, i will let him see a future scenario with ourselves placed in the same situation when we reach old age. (is it safe to advise the couple to produce more kids now to address a likely situation for them in the future? ) @UCantSeeMe (116)
• United States
9 Oct 09
They make affordable retirement establishments for a reason. The should not have to be burdened with having thier parents live with them. Why is it that these parents had no savings or retirement funds to begin with. Do the old people not have some kind of way to get government support. Sounds to me like the parents were to careless with their own lives and now pose a burden on their childeren.
If the husband wants them gone then they will need to find ways to get them into a retirement or old age home. If the old people have more then one child it might be possible to pool money between the childeren to get them the living quarters they deserve.
All in all always plan for the future.
@450052 (8)
• China
9 Oct 09
everyone may face this situation.it seems reasonable that the husband needs privacy. he cant be himself in front of his parent in law. if it comes to me, i rent a house or apartment near here.i could care them conviciently. old people think differently from young people, so living seperately maybe reduce conflicts.
