What is your Choice? Really myself?
By smileonstar
@smileonstar (4007)
United States
October 8, 2009 8:12pm CST
Hello,
Actually I use my sister's account to express myself to all friends here... she told me I can get a great advice over here as well. And here is my story, it is my family.
well, I married to my boyfriend and we have been together for 5 years now. I loved him so much when we were boyfriend and girlfriend, even he did bad thing, yelled at me or just argued with me so bad but I still forced myself to comfort him. I gave him everything, and I dont mind to take all the blame or hurt that he gave me. After I had my first children, I took care of her since she was born until now... he is barely put his hand to change diaper at all. I went back to work when my child was 3 week old. I also brought my kid to work with me as well... Whenever he mads, he just blow up... everything and he doesn't care who are they, me or my kid. all he knows just how he feels.
Such as today, I went to work and I work since 5am... clean and sale food to customers... when to pick me up and I didn't finish my work... he blamed me that what did I do for all day... he said like, you can't finish your work until now? I was like what? I haven't sit down for 5 minutes yet. Now, I feel like Why? I see many family full of care and love... the husband care and love his wife so much, so how about me? am I married the wrong guy? I really want to leave him so bad cuz of many things that happened between us. I never feel love or peaceful from him... but there are several things that I can't walk away from him now, 1: My children, 2: if I decide to end everything now, I have so much money in this house and I dont want to share to him as well.
Can you tell me what should I do? I hate myself so bad... my mom didn't want me to be with him but I disagreed and still be with him, and here I am... I dont know where to turn and what to do. Everytime I talk to him about divorce, he thinks it is a joke. He will ignore my words and keep doing something else. I feel like im talking to the wall. And advice for me? thank and I will check back with you soon.
2 people like this
11 responses
@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
9 Oct 09
Hi dear!
He does not appear to be a caring hubby. He is apparently not discharging his duties, which is uncalled for. He appears to be exploiting you and your emotions. You need to take a tough and bold stand against him, else you will continue to suffer the humilation.
@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
12 Oct 09
Yes, it is true he will not find someone like you. Please take a bold decision in this regard.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
9 Oct 09
Hello,
I know some husbands care and be the best dad ever for their children but not this one. well, for my kid I will take all the suffer and believe he will not find some one else like me. No one in this world know how I do and what I gave him... I really hate myself so bad that deeply in love with him in the first place. He has nothing for me at all... nothing.
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
9 Oct 09
Yours is a sad situation. Your husband sounds abusive and the fact that he refuses to discuss the situation with you does not give you too many options in regards to resolving your differences. Do you have anywhere where you could stay for a while? It sounds to me that he will not take you seriously until he realises that you are no longer there taking his abuse. You have income so whatever happens you can support yourself and the children although I realise it would not be easy. I would move out temporarily and see if he is prepared to work things out and listen to my grievances; if not I would file for a divorce.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
9 Oct 09
Actually, I have no family in this country beside my sister, who own this account, but she has full house and I dont want to bother her. If I go, then only hotel that I have to choose. I have no problem with money at all.. I can live and support my child...
If one day, I can't take it anymore then one way out is to kill myself and give my children a bunch of money from my life insurance.
1 person likes this
@PrincessThinker (234)
• Philippines
9 Oct 09
hi.
Honestly, I don't really know how to advice you because I have never been in a relationship (male and female) for the past 26 years of my life.
But I would say, in a relationship, if the foundation of the love between a man and a woman is strong and firm, any problem or struggle that may come during the marriage life will not uproot or destroy that love. A relationship starts at frienship, that is to know each other so well, to be acquaited with him. To know his likes and dislikes, his interests and everything about him. To know his true color and if you are really compatible with each other.
But having been that you are already there and cannot turn back the time, you have to be strong in any decision you will take. And if you decide, you have to be firm and stand for it. I do not favor divorce honestly. But I cannot force someone to stay in a marriage until your sanity is at the edge already. No matter how a bamboo is so flexible and it bows always whenever the wind blows violently, a time will come that it will break and be destroyed.
Pray for him if you really love him. And pray for yourself that you can surpass this trial. You know what, the Lord will not give you a trial that is too difficult for you. He gave you that because He thinks you can overcome it.
One thing more, maintain self worth. Love yourself. Maintain respect for yourself. If you yourself cannot respect yourself, no one will ever respect you.
Godspeed.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
9 Oct 09
Hello,
when I read your respond I feel like something is lighting in my mind. you know my sister went through a divorce once and I can see how depression she had... No one can't turn back once you reach to that point. For me, I dont want to go through divorce at all... it is not my thing. what I want to do now... I will give everything to make my kid happy and for me, I will take everything even I dont like. I have to do it for my child. Once time has come then I will go without notice and he might not know that either...
I wonder, when a man has a diamond in his hand then he thinks it is a rock... when he looses it, he realized.
Last time, another man was trying to help me out and he was caring about me so much that made my husband fought with him to get me back. I was like why? let me go if you dont love me... but actually I dont want to be any man at all... I learned something that is very painful and I can't move on with another man in my life again. I want to be alone with my child... love life is totally freak me out
@lengzki (125)
• United States
9 Oct 09
Your husband does not respect you anymore. But you have to learn how to respect yourself. Do not just sit there and take everything. Sooner or later, your child will notice what's going on in your house and it would not be good for your child seeing that kind of situation. You can do something and you need to decide now what would be best for you and your daughter. Try to talk to your husband and explain everything. If you can't work this out with your husband and if you feel there's nothing you can do about it, then I guess it's better to leave him now and just work on you and your daughter's future.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
9 Oct 09
I understand what you were saying here. Explain ??? how many time Do I have to explain this to him. He won't listen or take it seriously... He used to say I am thinking something that is not valuable, nothing important, or I think way too much on junk stuff... blabla... Of course he never respect to treat me nice either... It is hard for me... I can move on with no problem but I dont want to give up on my house and my business either. And another thing my families in my country will have to face a hard time with his family. He just never let me go easy.
@prikayjo2436 (699)
• United States
9 Oct 09
Hey Hun!
Well I can sort of relate... My Boyfriend, hardly helped me with my daughter when she was first born, just like your husband he was grumpy and mad all the time... At first I thought it was okay. But it truly isn't. When my daughter was about three months old, I tried talking to him about how I felt and how we should share responsibility for our child, our house, and our chores. But it didn't seem to work. Until one night, he came home from the bar with his friends and he didn't find me here. I called it quits. I went to my mothers!!!
I figured, he is not helping me with our responsibilities then I will be better off by myself! Girl, he came the next day asking for forgiveness! He was so afraid of losing me that he is an awesome father and boyfriend now!
What I'm trying to say is, sometimes they need to lose what they have in order to appreciate it. Maybe he needs a little reality check. You also have to think about what would be better for your child. Good luck sweet heart!
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
9 Oct 09
Hello,
Thank you for the respond. I actually I had tried almost everything to make him change and be a better person but it turns out to be it is all my fault. Last time, when we went back hometown and he was mad at me with something... he blew me off in front of his sister, and when we got back home and he was not enough with that then he started up again. He made me packed up and called my DAD at 11pm to pick me up... my DAD didn't show up cuz my mom hate to see this situation. I still went to my parents' house and stay there for over night and the next day. I told my parents not to tell him where I am cuz I turned off my phone and went to my brother's house. He did come and asked me to come home with him... and he never changed... NEVER. I treat him so nice, even he is sick I take care... but when im sick, he doesn't and not even that, he mads about this and that.
I feel like it is over between me and him. I have chose my way now, I am not going to get any divorce now but I will when my child is a little older. Now she is small and need both of us to be around but I will change my way a little. Once my child reach to enough age then I will go and let him deal with someone else that he can. For me right now, I just pretend that he is someone that need help from me and I will help him all the way but i will not like before.
@gymnastics (65)
• India
9 Oct 09
Iam so sorry for u and for ur child's situation.after reading ur story what i felt is ur husband has no concern for u and for ur child.i think he showed false love on u before ur marriage may be because of ur beauty r may be of ur job and salary u get.if he didnt have any concern for u its no meaning to live with him.the right suggestion that u will get now is from ur parents.they love u so much and they dont want ur life to be spoiled by living with such a bad person.my advice is to take divorce from ur husband and live happily with ur child by doing the job that u love.enjoy ur motherhood and bringup ur child with good manners and with responsibilities.if u forget ur past u can enjoy ur motherhood happily.most wonderful thing in the world is to become mother to a child.enjoy ur future with ur child.ALL THE BEST...
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
9 Oct 09
I am sorry you are going thru this. I've been there and I know how scary it can be being a single mom. I also understand all the hesitation in giving up all the material things you have gained while married to this man such as your home etc. They are material things only and not nearly as important as your happiness and the happiness of your children. It is not nearly as bad as you percieve it will be and certainly not as hard as staying in an unloving and abusive marriage. I did lose all my material things when I moved on but that doesn't have to happen. A judge would be more fair and you would probably have to split the value of the house and certain items. I raised all 4 of my children on my own and you can do it to. Your husband does not seem willing to work on your marriage. Material things can be replaced in time. The time that is spent with this spiteful man can not be regained. I think you should cut your losses, learn from the experience, embrace the beautiful children you gained from this marriage and don't spend anymore of your life in this miserable marriage. you deserve to be happy.
@jerimiyah (232)
• Philippines
10 Oct 09
Not to be so religious but the only thing i can think of when i read your message is to pray. I guarantee that, also its one way to become closer to God. Im not an expert in marriage since im still engaged. You just pray girl and focus on him and he will help you.:) i hope i was able to help. God bless!
@lovelyn_medrano (3070)
• Philippines
9 Oct 09
I am sorry to say but I think your marriage is going no where. I think you have to have a decision now before he drives you crazy. Your man is not taking you seriously. He is over-confident that you cannot live your life without him. You made him think and feel like that by always putting yourself down. Love and marriage is not a one way street. Are you sure your partner really loves you? I guess you should have listened to your mother in the first place. But anyway, too late for that.
You should focus yourself more to your kids. A man like him is like a child. It is so hard to live with an immature person. Tell him to grow up and if in case he finally realized the bad things that he's doing, maybe there still a chance. But for now move on. You are not just doing it for yourself but for your kids as well. You cannot set up a good environment to your kids if they see their father treats you that way. Stand on your word. Make him realize your value. Sometimes, some people learn their lesson in the hard way. Don't think about the things you have invested in your house, you can earn that again. Think about the stress free that you will have if you leave him. Try to regain yourself again.
Good luck and wish you well.
@liqiuyue8308 (17)
• China
9 Oct 09
You must let him know how to be a husband and farther,if you want to live together with your husband.Now he is not aware of the responsibilities of marriage.You don't have to comfort him always.It should be a two-way process of underdtanding each other and give space.It is your weakness that lead him to do like that.You have to change yourself first.Then he will come to change along with you and you will feel better.You are a good wife and mother.So he must be a good husband and farther.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
9 Oct 09
you are right... may be something that I need to change myself a little but it will not be something for him anymore. I have to be myself, help myself more than anyone else. why would I care off someone that he never cares about me. And you are absolutely right, he doesn't know how to take serious responsibilities in marriage at all. All he knows is himself having fun with his toys... or do something to fit his mind. I think I was overwhelming... I used to love him so much and care and tried to do just about anything for him(spoiled) but guess what he will never change... NEver...
I will change what I used to do but I dont think he will change his... all his think it is all my fault. sometimes I did his work for him to let him know that I care and try my best for him but he never see that, but when I haven't done one thing... he complains again and again. lolz... what the hell.
@Hp2bnataliek (9)
• United States
9 Oct 09
Hi there,
my mom went throught the same thing with my dad. My dad would not change my diaper till oct 22 and i was born on oct 1! He only did this because my mom set the line down for comunication. you have to communicate and set the record straight or I say divorce him. You also have to think about your children but as well as your self. do you want a non vilent ( physical and verbal) enviromnent? I say NOT! My sister is not the best mother and i see what those kids go through. you see the father used to physically hurt the kids after the father got sick of yelling. now theres a restraining order and it gets messy because my sister did not get a divorce! But if you do end up seperating or divorcing ( your choice) make sure your child has a positive male role model in their life does not have to be a father! An uncle, or friend is fine! Just make sure the child is loved and has role models to not lead the child in the wrong direction! And as for you please take care of your self you know what is best for you! Keep up asking the advice that is a good start!
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
9 Oct 09
You are right... u know what, I used to call on him as well cuz of his violent, he threw stuff around and broke my computer and also the door cuz he was so mad to see I was packing. He said, if he goes to jail that day he will not let my family, live in different country, go easy. actually his family is very powerful in my country and they can do almost everything there... And that wasn't scare me.
now, I feel like I hate MEN so bad. I am hurt cuz I made the wrong choice... If I have power to turn back in time, I will do so. I used to get a divorce paper before but my mom asked me not too cuz they are scare of his family. I dont know why he has to do this to me... if he doesn't love me then let me go and get another woman that he loves. Actually, I work almost so hard to get all this (house, cars and business) and non of his sisters or brothers have... his mom is rich but never help them out. So, his mom might think if he leave me then he end up nothing. And his mom doesn't want him to leave me. But my point is, I dont want that at all... I want my life back. He broke my heart over and over again.
