I'm in love with this person but he has 2 kids.. What to do? =(
By redphile
@redphile (2264)
Philippines
October 16, 2009 6:49pm CST
I have been involved or dating, whatever you call it with a man that has 2 kids, 4 and 3 yr olds. Well, up to this point I know in my heart that he is a good man, and may have done some mistakes in the past. He has shown me in the most unexpected ways how much and how great his feelings are for me. I have never known anyone who's so inlove with me. SOmetimes he would sacrifice not seeing his 2 kids, that is whenever the mother of the kids would take away the kids, just to get away from him. Well, the girl actually has not gotten over him obviously and uses the kids to get even. It hurts me to know that I am the reason for him not seeing his kids. I am definitely guilty even though I have not done anything wrong but to love him. They are not married and already broken up before we became a couple. His obligation is with the kids only and nothing else matters but them. I told him that I would leave him so that he can see his kids, but he does not want to. He said that he cannot lose us both - the kids and me. Now, things are back to normal and eventually he was able to talk it out with the girl and make her understand that they are not together anymore.
He is also worried that I might leave him eventually for someone who is single and does not have any obligations, meaning no kids. It always makes me cry to hear him talk like that. And I love him so much, that I would also sacrifice eveyrthing. Help him bring up the kids and give them the best future.
My dear mylotters, this is one of my life's undying fears that I live by everyday. Hope you can give me some advice - tell me if its wrong to leave or wrong to stay.
4 people like this
26 responses
@TexasTee38 (48)
• United States
19 Oct 09
[b]There's nothing wrong with having a relationship with a guy that has kids (that's if he has no "hang-ups" or "esteem" problems), the lousy thing is your guy's ex (or exes) are going to be in the picture, because of the kids, especially if there's an custody/child support issue(depending on where you live). But his kids are a part of his life, forever, but that doesn't mean you can't be in his life, as well. You need to sit him down and talk to him about what you're feeling before you make any major decisions.
What I should ask you is: "Are you bonding with his kids?", "Are the kids bonding with you?", "Do you spend time as a whole family?", "Do you feel uncomfortable when your guy's ex (or exes) come around?", "Do you talk to your guy's ex(exes) only concerning the kids?", etc.
I've been there and done that. My parents were never married to each other, but my mom was married to someone else and my dad married to someone else, all that meant, to me is I had extra parents (in my case, even if I didn't like the extra parents, LOL).
My husband, already had 2 (other) kids when we "hooked up", and then we had 2 kids, together, so I'm a bio-mom of my 2 kids, and a step-mom to his other 2 kids, but I wasn't about up and leave just because he had kids with other females. I always welcome his other kids and make sure that they were comfortable and happy, but I there's no issues between me and husband's exes, and I wasn't going to make any kind of friendship with them.
BTW,don't take this personal, but I hope you don't any insecurity problems, because it seems that you're about to "jump the fence" and take off, him not seeing his kids doesn't have anything to do with you. That decision is made between him and his ex. Like I've said, there's going to be custody/child support issues (depending on where you live).[/b][/i][i]
1 person likes this
@redphile (2264)
• Philippines
19 Oct 09
well im thinking really what my decision should be. If I leave, Ill be sad. He will be sad. If I stay , we are both happy. There maybe complications but we have lived up to such and were able to stay stronger. Im not deciding yet to leave him, but thats one of my option because its complicated for me. For now, im still not sure. ALl I know is Im happy and I love the guy. He loves me back. Thanks for all the advice =)
@TexasTee38 (48)
• United States
19 Oct 09
I think you should stay in the relationship and try to work it out with your guy, it's his ex's loss, not yours. She must be jealous, because you have the same guy (that she once had) show more love and affection towards you and it really "bugs' her out because you're willing to give the kids more of your time. I think it's going to work out, so continue showing your love and support for him and his kids. Good luck and God Bless.
@dadoods (41)
• Philippines
17 Oct 09
hi! good day,
There is nothing wrong loving with a man with 2 kids,he's not married to the mother and you accepted the fact that the man you love has already have to kids,,you both love each other.. it's not your fault anyway, you met the guy after they broke up. so there is no big deal.. by the way he is free to marry you.... instead of feeling worried and having this fear that you might lost your relationship by not settle down with the guy? i think that would be the best to share a vow with the guy that you truly love..you both love each other keep it that way..no need to leave but to stay with him and show that you really love him.
1 person likes this
@robert19ph (4577)
• Philippines
17 Oct 09
hello redphile,
if he really loves you, then he must prove it by marrying you. this way you can take care his two kids and him as well. put everything in legal so your fear will be lessen if not gone. same is true with him for he doesn't like to lose you and his kids. is the best thing that you can both do.
@robert19ph (4577)
• Philippines
18 Oct 09
It is not really easy but you should both make some plans.
@redphile (2264)
• Philippines
18 Oct 09
I was also thinking that but then Im just worried that he wont be seeing his kids if we continue to be together. I just hope that the mother would just accept everything. This is really difficult for me to decide because I know how much he loves the kids but I also love him and he loves me too. On the legal matter we will try to look into that. Thanks.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
17 Oct 09
This is going to be a long road for you both if you can't be around his kids. Truthfully, I think she is just messing with his head. He can go to court and get regular visitation and if she does not oblige then she is in contempt of court. If they are broken up then she has no business telling him who he can and cant see. He should look into it. I was not married to my youngest daughter's dad and he was being such a jerk about everything that I went into court and got legal and physical custody etc. It did not cost much and I represented myself...no lawyer. She sounds very controlling.
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
18 Oct 09
I looked at your profile and I see that you are from the Phillipines so your laws may be different. I'm in the states. Still, he is the parent and he has every right to see his kids. Over here, he would have a strong case in court because it is hurting the kids if she is keeping them from their father. I hope he really does check into it and fight back on this one. Tell him to document everything. He should write down the dates and times that he has tried to see the kids and she won't allow it. Keep a paper trail of everything. Even the trivial stuff. All added up, it paints a very negative picture of her and will help him in court.
@redphile (2264)
• Philippines
18 Oct 09
she is very controlling! such a warfreak also! she actually sends me messages to back off and that Im ruining their family! =( That was a brave thing you did back there. I wish I could do the same but I'm not the one really involved. I love the kids and I accepted them when we became a couple. I will inform him to see what are options are. I just cant bear the fact that he cannot see the kids because the mother is too insecure of me. =(
1 person likes this
@jugsjugs (12967)
•
17 Oct 09
The way i would deal with this is are you ever going to be able to become a couple,as this mother of the children seems like she do not want you two to be together.I would always choose my children over anyone i will say that.Ask him how he is ever going to be able to have a proper relationship with you or anyone else as in years to come you may want to live together.Why dont he get legal advice as that is the only way to get to have you and his children as i am sure courts do not like children to be used.
@redphile (2264)
• Philippines
17 Oct 09
well, since they are not married, the custody of the children goes to the mother, which really hurts him a lot. Honestly, its only him who pays for everything, things the children needs, sometimes I would help him if there;s a need. The mother does not even have a job as far as I know. Everything, every single cent comes from him. I saw his kids and he is closer to him actually. I tried to break off the relationship, but he says that it is too painful for him to do that. Maybe because he is thinking that he wont find any other woman that could understand him.
1 person likes this
@jugsjugs (12967)
•
17 Oct 09
Why dont you ask her what her problem is as the children seem happy with him and obviously they have seen you in the past.It used to make a difference if you were married,but no so much now so a friend of mine found out.She had a problem simular to the one you have got.It is the welfare of the children that was used to sort her problem out and it was down to what was best for the children,as in to see both parents no matter if they are in a new relationship or not.It helps him that he is paying for the children as well.Just enquire some where as a lot of the laws have changed now.Only trying to help.
1 person likes this
@redphile (2264)
• Philippines
17 Oct 09
Yup I know.. Oh how difficult!=( Anyway, Im the type who lets destiny go its way. As long as wed what is right, I know and believe in good karma. If we are on the right path, not stepping on other person dignity or belittling no one, I know that we will surpass this challenge. Thanks a lot for the response and your advise. Ill think it over, researching into laws on how we can go about it. im also planning that we get married and yes he is into it. Im just scared about the kids though..
1 person likes this
@Ingkingderders (3832)
• Philippines
17 Oct 09
Well, I am in the same situation, only my boyfriend has only one kid.. At first the mother of the kid does not really like me. But after 3 years, everything's going well, we all are okay with each other. If you really love each other, then I don't think there would be any problems.
You both should talk to the mom, and just tell it to her straight, that you won't take anymore of her doings, like taking the kids so the guy won't get to see them. Cause if you say that the dad is the one supporting them, and the girl does not even have a job. If you go to court, then the guardianship could go to the guy ( I'm not saying take it to the court, cause that would involve financial and emotional stress), but if worse comes to worse, then I think you could really do that.
@Ingkingderders (3832)
• Philippines
18 Oct 09
well, at first of course we didn't get along ... we don't even acknowledge each other's presence before.. and she was showing me, that I cannot ever take her place, because she is close to my BF's family, she even still calls my BF parent's mama and papa.. hehehe. but now, I have come to accept the fact that she will forever be part of the family, though there are still times when I just want to put her in her place, cause sometimes she forgets that she really doesn't have any rights anymore. lol.
Anyway, I hope she'll soon realize where her place is in your BF's life.. i know it's hard, but I think leaving your BF would only mean the she won the fight. and she can still get what she wants.
@redphile (2264)
• Philippines
19 Oct 09
Its a good thing that you were able to get over the troubles you had before. Hopefully I will experience the same as what you have now. Good for you =) It also relieves me to know that Im not the only one who has the same situation. I know that it will be better soon. Thanks so much for sharing =)
@redphile (2264)
• Philippines
18 Oct 09
Oh someone who can relate, but in your case, you are okay with the mother of the child which is great. But in my case, its not. Which makes it really difficult for us. He does not want me to talk to her because he knows what she is capable of. She has once stalked me thru messages in my phone and sending me crazy stuff like to stay away. I know that when it goes to court he does has a big chance, but then again, they are still minors and I think and by law that most of the time, the mother would get custody. We will look into that thank you so much.
@KrauseHome (36447)
• United States
18 Oct 09
Personally if you really Love this man, and he is your everything then the 2 of you need to sit down and talk about the issues in this relationship and see where the 2 of you stand, and what you're both expecting out of this Relationship as well. Have you met the kids? Do you get along with them?
It really sounds like you need to find out what you're both looking for out of this relationship and then move from there. Because if you really Love this man and him the same, then there should be a way to make it work, and include the kids in this as well. If you are meant to be let it happen, and many Good things could come from this as well. Wishing you the Best.
@redphile (2264)
• Philippines
18 Oct 09
I met the kids and we already went shopping together like twice! Im okay with the kids, theyre still little and good kids. What Im looking for is a long term relationship, I dont want any other man but him. I know he is full of complications because of his situation, but I still believe that everything has a reason why things happen. Thanks for the response!
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
19 Oct 09
hi redphile I sort of get the feeling that you are not too crazy about actually taking care of two kids that are not your own,and if you do go into marriage feeling that you are making a huge sacrifice he and the children both are going to know this. I sure would think hard and long about whether you can really love his children from another person, I am not saying you are wrong if you have doubts, I am just saying now is the time to settle this in your own mind. I know that it is a big step to take on a man and his two kids from another woman.I think what I am trying to say and putting it badly is that you really need to have some sort of affection for those kids before you marry him.
@redphile (2264)
• Philippines
19 Oct 09
i have no problem with the kids, its just that, sometimes the mother of the kids goes crazy and would sometimes deprive the father to see them because she is insecured of me. That I am not happy about because sghe is taking away the most important people in his life. Yes I am thinking so much about this because I really care about our relationship and of course him as well. I dont really know if I will get the chance to take care of the kids because the father is being deprived sometimes of their quality time. I hope it will be better soon... =) Thanks for the advice. really appreciate it.
@srganesh (6340)
• India
8 Jan 10
Don't rush into any hasty decisions.Do you know the reason why he is separated with the other girl even after 2 kids?Some men would screen their negative face to new people and they may look more gentle than they ought to be.So,first have a conversation with that girl and try to figure out the other side of him.You may have surprises even.
@redphile (2264)
• Philippines
8 Feb 10
its kinda scary to try and talk to the girl because from the text messages that shes been sending, i take it that she wants to get rid of me. Crazy girl type. So talking to her would be a bad idea i think. It has been years and so far we have a good relationship. Hope it continues.
@rosyc1963 (19)
• Canada
17 Oct 09
I believe your on this man road for a reason..GOD of the universe put him and his kids on your path of life ..so stop asking yourself questions and tell him to do the same, every moment you both wonder, are moments taken away from the magic that you are both meant to share ...as far as him thinking you might leave him for someone who has no children ...I think you could reassure him that you are too mature to act ,on maybe a moment of argument with him, at times the grass could seem greener on the other side but its only green till you cross over ..immediately after you/we all realize that that grass is only greener because we did not take the time to fertilize our own .so that it could grow stronger and fuller!!
be happy today ,tomorrow may never come!!
love & light to you and your new family :-)
Rosyc,
@redphile (2264)
• Philippines
18 Oct 09
awww! you are talking his words, whenever we are together, he doesnt want to talk about the future problems, he does not want me to be on the negative side and think things will be positive ahead. He just wants happy moments and that all problems will be solved without us knowing. =) Thanks for that!
@yaimi3285 (1)
• United States
18 Oct 09
well I think you two should talk to a therapist so you can both express to each other how you really feel,and he should have a conversation with the mom of the kids to state that he has no feelings for her and that who she is really hurting are the kids.
@manong05 (5027)
• Philippines
17 Oct 09
As long as the man is not married and is available, I don't see anything wrong. The most important thing is you love one another and the kids as well. I would say go for it. There may some problems along the way, but I'm sure you both can handle them. Marrying a single man with no kids has its own set of problems anyway, so what's the difference?
enjoy life!
@redphile (2264)
• Philippines
18 Oct 09
Good thinking there, who has no problems with relationships anyway? Thats what I also tell myself whenever I would be in a moment of blind sadness - that there are other bigger problems than what I have now. That there are other people who has bigger problems than me so I should not worry much. Thanks for that! Yes I am trying to enjoy my life =)
@KMaroon (266)
• India
17 Oct 09
Hi redphile,
I feel that you better be away from that person because you may be in trouble when you have children of your own you cannot show same love for the children which you are showing now, and even the children will suffer who are really innocent, let the mother of kids take care of the children. Let the person decide whether he wants his children or you. Let him choose either he wants children or you. I think it would be better if you leave him and bear the pain for some years than crying life long. It is the question of your life so think and decide what to do? Have a nice day.
@redphile (2264)
• Philippines
18 Oct 09
Oh I know that whatever my decision is, it will bear with me all my life! He chooses me and the kids. He says that there shouldnt be any choices or options because we are the most important people in his life. I am not the one taking care of the kids, they still share that. But if we were to stay together, taking care of them will not be a problem for me.
@calai618 (1773)
• Philippines
17 Oct 09
Personally, I wouldn't start to enter in a relationship with someone I knew had obligations. I would not let anything to lead to such a very complicated situation from the very start. It is just too risky. I wouldn't be able to know whether he abandoned the girl and the children, if he cheated, etc. Also, if he had done it once, he can do it again to anyone. In your story, you said that they have broken up already and personally I won't fall for such person who couldn't man up. I'd be very scared to risk it for a man that who had the courage to leave the woman despite being the mother of his kids. You also said that the girl hasn't gotten over the guy and personally I wouldn't want to enter in a relationship where there are a lot of people to suffer. You didn't mention about how the kids feel about you. I can't personally take it if there are young, innocent kids who are suffering just because of me. I'd rather suffer than ruin anyone's life. I am sorry that you are in that kind of situation but I am glad that even though you have gotten as far as having a relationship with him already, you still know the importance of him reuniting with his kids. A lot of people would say that the real way to show your love is to fight for the man, but I think that letting him go would really be what will benefit most, if not all of you. Good luck to you. I wish you all the best. :D
@redphile (2264)
• Philippines
18 Oct 09
Oh how difficult it is to leave at this point, but there were times before that I tried my best to leave him because of the obligations and I am also worried on what people might say about our relationship. If I have a choice, which I know I have a lot, I would choose someone who is single and no obligations. I told that to myself when I was young. But then you would never really know that when that certain person comes into your life and make it so wonderful for you, I couldnt say no. I just had to be with him because of his sincerity and love. The kids are great. We had a few time together going to the mall and shopping. i think they are okay with me and the other one actually called me 'mama' before because thats what his father is telling him to say! haha! =) I know, I want to fight for him, but I know that there will be difficult consequences to follow. Thanks for that, and good luck to myself too =)
