Having a meltdown...
By Shannon
@visitorinvasion (7709)
United States
October 16, 2009 11:03pm CST
How do you handle your meltdowns?
Right now I'm handling mine with rum n coke.
Why shouldn't I? My kids are grown & I'm not leaving the house.
My responsibilities are handled, so why shouldn't I enjoy a pint or so?
Anyway, my meltdown involves recently unsurpressed memories of a severely passionate but emotionally dangerous former relationship. Don't get me wrong, I didn't forget the sob for a minute, but I did forget some major details...until last week when I spotted an old buddy on myspace. He mentioned that he had just been talking about me the night before with his brother...and he said the bastige's name. You see, I had completely unassociated them because for one, I knew my friend years before I met his "brother" on a totally different scale/situation for which he was not present for quite some time. I put "brother" in quotes because they are not blood related, just from the same foster family. Considering that I too have a "brother" I am not related to in any way, I can see where my blown mind resides.
Being happily married and madly in love for the last 16 years (anniversary is in December), I cannot begin to fathom why I even care about this old stuff. I should not even care enough to give it a second thought, but these flashbacks came from nowhere days after I had contact with this old friend. Stuff just came flooding back. I know I shouldn't be dwelling on this stuff, but my mind is blown and I'm remembering a person I don't like--meaning me.
I'm staying in my office when I'm not at work or asleep. I'm having a hard time working and studying for the past 4-5 days. This is totally NOT cool. How could I forget such life/personality changing events? Why are they affecting me so harshly so many years later? I was in a rocky relationship once. Big deal. I wasn't beaten or anything crazy like that. WTH?? I want my life back the way it was last week before all my mistakes came back to haunt me...well, not all of them, just some really bad ones that make me sick to my stomach. Who the hell was inhabiting me then? It sure doesn't seem like me.
Yeah, crazy redhead. Stereotypical. *sigh* I'm not a raving lunatic, I promise. I'm just having a meltdown...a meltdown that's making me feel like a bad wife and mother for even giving that old madness this much attention at all.
How do you handle your meltdowns? Don't lie. Everyone has a meltdown at least once in their lives--probably over way more serious business than an old flame and some really jacked up mistakes. I got over being raped faster than I'm getting over this. Is there a doctor in the house?
2 people like this
4 responses
@EvanHunter (4026)
• United States
17 Oct 09
Well I am not a doctor but I have given my life a lot of thought over the past couple years. We all make mistakes in our life it doesn't mean we are good or bad it just means we are human. It sounds like you need to forgive yourself and move on and don't let the past drag you down. The past is done and cant be undone now move forward and learn from it. No one is perfect we have all done things we wish we could change if not for our own sake for the sake of others. Ever heard the saying tomorrow is the future and may not come, yesterday is the past and cant be undone but today is a gift to live in and that's why its called the present. I have let things get me down from my past a few times the only thing that can change it is me and my thinking you need to focus on today and what it is you want and not what was. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SQg-TzmAr0
2 people like this
@visitorinvasion (7709)
• United States
17 Oct 09
Seven rum and cokes in I've finally grown the nads (figuratively speaking of course, due to being raised around military and construction workers from birth), to message a lame apology for nearly 20 year old actions...not that I was the only one at fault, I was just mostly at fault, and I still can't believe I did/said the things I did, played the games I played, etc. Thank you for the video. I'm beginning to feel better, and showing a perky face around the house has become easier since both the posting here and balling up the courage to type up a lame apology...forgive me, I'm 7 rum n cokes in and backspace is totally my friend right now. I appreciate you taking time to encourage me and help me feel like I'm only human. It's hard to feel that way when I've been pressured my whole life to be perfect when it's very obvious that i am anything but...just like everyone else in the world, imagine that. Hopefully I can let this go before my family gets wise to the changes in my behavior in the past week or so. I truly do adore my family and what I've built, but dammit it's hard to come to the realization that i did some really mean stuff to a guy I was supposed to love...like I said, the mean stuff was a two way street, but I was definitely meaner in that situation. Hard stuff for a "good girl" to come to terms with. Very hard. All this while I re-listen to the video. Thank you, Evan. It's times like these when ya really find out who gives a dam. I appreciate your giving a dam more than you'll ever know.
1 person likes this
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
17 Oct 09
I suspect, without truly knowing, that these "meltdowns" as horrible as they may seem when they occurr, are in fact, coping mechanisms--releases, necessary releases, for pent up rage and pain, for feelings denied and oppressed, and fears unresolved.
@visitorinvasion (7709)
• United States
17 Oct 09
Unresolved is probably the best word for it. Bring up my ex-fiance's name and all I have to say is "dumbazz" no feelings there one way or the other...but this short lived, rocky, once forgotten road is messing with me. I don't like it. Kind of went off on my friend Kris, thanking him for the mindfk in so many words. I doubt I'll hear anything else from him, and that's probably a good thing if this is what results from the contact. Venting it helped more than I thought it would. I've been able to work a little bit the past hour or so. Hopefully I can either get past it or re-repress it pretty quickly. Sad to say, but mental crap is more detrimental than physical crap. At least I have no self-blame for physical crap. I just hope I didn't scar this bastige as bad as I scarred myself. Thanks for being here and giving me a reason to actually allow myself to get into the why of it all. Holy cow I acted sooo badly I can't believe it...not that the bastige didn't act badly too--thus he wouldn't be a bastige--just that I can't believe that was me that said those things, did those things, played those head games, etc.
1 person likes this
@waynet (2650)
•
31 Oct 09
Everyone has one of them days and ....eh? you drink Rum n coke too? small drinking world!!
This year has been one head fack after another what with my partners 2 mental breakdowns and losing a couple of jobs to some foreigners who only arrived in our country not so long ago and they practically stole one of my jobs from under my nose, hopefully next year will be that bright and shining year that I can say yeah Waynes on the up!
Anyway your hubs is a lucky dude having a fine looking lady like you around and the past is the past and you can't change that, but you can effect change for the future with many positives, because the future isn't written yet and all that back to the future stuff that Doc would say.....so chin up and next time you have a rum n coke bender save a drink for me!
@visitorinvasion (7709)
• United States
20 Nov 09
Wayne! Always a pleasure to see you even under such embarrassing circumstances.
Ya got Captain Morgan over there? That's the rum I like...well, I like Meyers too, but I can't ever find it in a liq-uor store, so that's more of a going-out treat.
Sweet of you to say, and the ole man does treat me like gold...unless I'm trying to sleep of course, lol. The saga got deeper btw. My old buddy is with my old best friend's little sister. Talk about a trip!! They are like teenagers with the lovey stuff. I hope he treats her like a queen, she's always had a heart of gold.
Love the reference to Doc Brown. My fave trilogy!!
Down the hatch & here's a toast for you:
Here's to it and down to it
And any man or woman that can't do it
Should be tied to it
And made to do it
And I'll be dammed if I can't do it!*clink glass & bottoms up*
1 person likes this
@AD11RGUY (1265)
• United States
19 Jan 10
This just in! You're HUMAN! Lot's of things/events crop up from time to time with the aid of some sort of trigger. The you you remember is the you at that time in your journey through life. Yes, the memory can have quite an affect on the you now, but only if you let it. The simplest thing to do is recognize it as a point in history. Yes, you were a part of it, but no more than the Civil War directly affects the you you are today should you let these memories affect you. It is all past. Enjoy the great life you have now and realize that you had to travel the path you did to get where you are now. No regrets darling! You are a gem! And your past helped you become such the treasure you are!
1 person likes this
@visitorinvasion (7709)
• United States
5 May 10
Dude! Where have you been?
I wish I had found this sooner. I'm still drinking my way through this, but worry not, my job, grades, and family are not suffering from this--at least not to my knowledge. I believe I'm hiding it well, with the exception that I've made it known that I've been dealing with some things I'm not exactly proud of. Thank you for your support & I hope to keep in touch with you better. Seriously, I found this at the right time. I'll be going to work with about 4 hours sleep and hungover again. Fortunately, my job doesn't require a brain...accounting, data-entry, easy sh*t. And what you say is right. I was just telling my kid the same thing about regrets making you what you are about an hour ago. Wish I could take my own advice, but this one particular screw-up is mind-fking me to pieces. Thank you for being there.
1 person likes this
@visitorinvasion (7709)
• United States
17 Sep 10
Another post I found at exactly the right time :)
I'm glad you made it through that rough patch. Glad you got a redhead too, crazy but loyal to the bone...most of us anyway.
I've made it through that baggage, so please don't worry. A lot of rum, crying, writing and soul-searching, I'm over it. Bastige didn't have the nads to respond, reminding me of why it would have never worked regardless if I had been the perfect gf or not. Thank you for being here at the exact right time. Glad you're back. Luv you! Let's try to keep better in touch, 'kay?
1 person likes this
@AD11RGUY (1265)
• United States
4 Apr 11
Wow. Talk about getting slower with old age! Just now read your last response. Ok. Let's try to keep in more frequent touch. Once every 7 months just aint cuttin' it! Glad you made it out of the fog and got a good look at what it really was again. No sense in trying to carry water in a sieve a second time. Just gets your shoes and the floor wet so you can slip and fall. Not good practice unless you are looking to replace Soupy Sales. Hope you get this sooner than 7 months. But more so, I hope your life is going up and up the way you want it to. Love you, kiddo!
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