Dad said no, but mom said yes...
By katsmeow1213
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
United States
October 22, 2009 6:17am CST
I was waiting for my daughter at dance yesterday. There was another mom who has 2 girls in dance, the older is my daughter's age, the younger is 3.
Last week the 3 year old was there the whole time while her older sister was in class, that's a whole hour and half before her own class started. This week her dad dropped her off shortly before her class was to start so she didn't get bored.
Last week during her boredom she decided to rearrange all the chairs in the hall way. Her mom saw no harm in this, and was deep in conversation, so didn't stop her. The girl had a great time lining up the chairs and counting them and moving them around.
So this week she began pushing a couple chairs around to rearrange them, and her dad told her not to. He came over and took the chair away and told her no. The girl immediately started crying and whining and calling for her mommy. As the dad was removing the chair from her and the girl is crying mommy, the mom looks over and nods her head to the girl, as if to say "It's okay, go ahead". Dad did not give in, and continued to stop the girl, until eventually the mom told him to let the girl do it.
Would you ever correct your partner in front of the child like this, or would you wait until later and tell the partner what you felt about the situation? Do you think it was wrong of the mom to tell the girl to go ahead even though the dad said not to, or should the dad have just let it go in the first place?
1 person likes this
18 responses
@jeanmtdb (30)
• United States
23 Oct 09
I think the mom is really very selfish and lazy. She should have brought something for her daughter to do. If she didnt want to play with whatever mom brought, then the mom should have taken her outside or home. She let her daughter do whatever she wanted while she was talking. Thats so much easier than correcting her or removing her. If the dad was willing to take care of it, she should have let him.
I think the parents should talk it out. Either the kid can do what she wants or she cant. They have to get on the same page. I hope this little girl is not at my daughters dance school because I would definitey ask that mom to remove her daughter - if she chose to ignore me - I would ask the teacher to have her removed. It is very disruptive for everyone. I doesn't get better as they get older.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
23 Oct 09
I do not agree with the way she chose to handle the situation.. but I would not go so far as to call her selfish or lazy! (Especially since you don't know her at all)
1 person likes this
@jeanmtdb (30)
• United States
23 Oct 09
You're right, I don't know her, but her daughter expected to be able to do whatever she wanted. That tells me that she gets her way all or most of the time. I know that it's easier to do nothing and not have to carry toys, correct a child and so on but it's a lot easier to do when they are young. As they get older, it's much harder. Raising children is hard work, it's all day every day, but it's your job - your responsibility. Other people should not have to put up with your unruly child.
If she corrects her husband in public, she is very comfortable doing it. I'm quite sure she has been doing that all along. She is taking away his power to be a parent, to be listened to and to be respected by his children.
1 person likes this
@Kewlbeans (20)
• United States
22 Oct 09
This is realy a hard one. All the experts tell you don't do it but to wait untill you can discuss it privately. I try my hardest not to do this in front of our 13 year old daughter because she is really big into playing us against each other. My husband has gotten to the point where if I say no and he doesn't know what I would say or have said he tells her to ask me. However I know when I am at a breaking point and just can't stand the sound of crying or whining, I might just give in and tell him to let her do whatever. I can't stand the sound of whining and crying. Usually we as parents work pretty well together but people just have a breaking point. Maybe this was what the mom in the story was dealing with?:o)
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
22 Oct 09
Giving into a child who cries and whines is a terrible thing to do. You're just teaching the child that in order to get their own way all they have to do is cry or whine and you'll never say no.
1 person likes this
@Kewlbeans (20)
• United States
23 Oct 09
I wasn't saying I give in everytime. Just sometimes I can't stand it and it seems easier. Normally I would pop them on the butt if they are young enough and tell them to stop and let them cry. But I am sure you have been there yourself when you just cant stand the noise...if not you're really lucky!
1 person likes this
@crys7881 (249)
• United States
23 Oct 09
I think alot of women do this once they are married and have kids!! I know my mom does this to my dad and I feel so bad for him! I don't want to be like that and just walk all over my partner! I definitely would have waited until the kids were not around to talk about it! I would never have does what she did and just nodded to the girl to keep making a mess of the place with the chairs!!
@Ritchelle (3790)
• Philippines
26 Oct 09
it was totally wrong but let's just hope this doesn't happen often with that family. there are many reasons why things happen the way they do. fortunately, this hadn't happened yet to me and my husband. different as we are from each other in this instance we run the same brain wavelength.
1 person likes this
@OpinionatedLady (5965)
• United States
22 Oct 09
God no. That is one of the worst things a parent can do undermining the relationship in anyway of the child and other parent. Unfortunately there are to many control freaks out there who do just this and then wonder why the kids play them against each other or why they listen to no one. We make sure to support what the other says and if we do not agree with what one does we say something in private or ask what is wrong and try to work it out calmly, if one thinks the other is going over board.
Also I would like to mention is it not right for a child to be moving furniture at a place of business and the father was right to stop her. It sounds as though the mother spoils her and let's her do things she should not.
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
27 Oct 09
If this were to happen to us, if we had children, we would consult eachother first, whisper our opinion in the other person's ear, make a quick decision and then correct the child. If we were in a yes/no like this, we would confer with eachother for a second, quietly, and then decide, saying to the child "we both say..." then say what we agreed.
@ravinskye (8237)
• United States
22 Oct 09
My husband and I tend to run into this issue a lot when we are out somewhere. He is more worried than I am about how they act in public. Not that I let them run wild lol but just he is over worried that they are acting up, when really they aren't. If it is something that I have let them do and he tries to stop it I will say something to him, but not so everyone can here, just so he understands why they think it is ok to do something. In that situation the girl really wasn't hurting anything by moving chairs around and keeping herself entertained so that is probably something I would let my kids do, but my husband might be worried that it isn't okay that they move stuff around.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
22 Oct 09
It's not about what the kid is or isn't doing, it's that obviously the child is learning that even if dad says no, mom will let her do what she wants anyways. Sure it may only be on minor issues, but I doubt dad feels good about his authority being undermined.
In my house I'm the pickier one. I'm the one who's strict about what the kids do and don't do, in public and at home. My husband may not always agree with what I tell them to do or stop doing, but he never corrects me at all. Our only issue is that sometimes I wish he'd yell at them more than I do, and he just doesn't think to yell at them for the same things.
@enola1692 (3323)
• United States
22 Oct 09
first off mom was wrong if the girl was going to have to wait awhile let her bring something to play with or heres a brainstorm do like I use to when my girls where young i would bring a book an read to them or we would play something that would bother the other people around us an no i would never correct my hubby we learned that one a long time ago even when he would say no my daughter would say daddy said yes till we got together an said ok now what did dad say ,an I still can't believe the mom couldnt' find something to keep the girl busy even if she brought a coloring book or just a notebook to draw in
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
22 Oct 09
Perhaps she did have toys and books that the child just wasn't interested in... it's not really fair to judge the mom on information that wasn't given.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
22 Oct 09
In this particular situation, I think the mom was wrong. The dad didn't know that the mom had allowed it the previous week and though I think it is silly to make a stand on such a thing, his wishes should have been respected. The child needs to know that the parents will back each other up.
There are situations where you should correct your partner in front of the child. I'm thinking of a situation where one parent goes overboard and the child needs to know that somebody is standing up for them. Like when my husband went ballistic when my son spilled something and I told him to calm down and don't yell at the child for something he can't help.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
22 Oct 09
There are some situations that call for the other parent to step in, that includes if one parent seems too stressed or is reacting irrationally.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
22 Oct 09
This is the stuff confusion is made of. Basically put, I think that it was wrong that the mother gave the go ahead the way she did. Yes the week before she allowed her child to play with the chairs, which is fine, but she should have told her husband "Honey I let her do that last week, that is why she's throwing the tantrum"... Then atleast the father will know. Not only is it confusing the child when one says yes the other, no, it's also opening up for the child to start to go to the one parent she knows will say yes most of the time. Also, I think that it's not a good thing to say "go ahead" like she did, as it's not giving the father any authority, and that's the stuff that could start fights.
Sorry if that made no sense whatsoever, it makes perfect sense to me, but ya never know.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
29 Nov 09
My husband and I aren't yet ready for children but one thing we've agreed on is how to discipline our future children. Also, we won't be saying "yes" and "no" by contradicting each other it's not helping our relationship or the children's growth.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
22 Oct 09
My guess is that the same thing happens at home, so the dad is probably used to being undermined. I think the children are used to it too, because I noticed how the girl went straight to mom when she wasn't being allowed to do what she wanted. In my house if one of the kids is told no, doesn't matter what parent said no, they listen, because we back each other up, even if we don't always agree.
1 person likes this
@jesssp (2712)
• Canada
22 Oct 09
I really can't comment because of my lack of children but out of curiosity who was right in your opinion, mom or dad? Was what she was doing 'bad' or disruptive?
As I whole I do think it's better for both parents to be on the same page and present a united front.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
22 Oct 09
In my opinion, it's not about what the child was doing. It's that the mother was undermining the father's authority. He said no, mom should have stuck by him even though she felt he was wrong. She could have told him later, away from the child, what she thought and how she felt, but not in front of the child.
That is usually how I handle situations. The only time I ever correct my husband in front of the children is if I've already said no and he's telling them that they can, or if it's something seriously important that cannot wait until later to interfere.
@zhuhuifen46 (3483)
• China
27 Oct 09
Lack of agreement between the parents, especially in front of the children, is very common, but it is no good for a harmoneous family. I would wait until later to have the chance to talk to the dad. Otherwise, the youngsters feel dazzled what to do.
@lovelyn_medrano (3070)
• Philippines
22 Oct 09
I think the parents should talk. It is not good to make their kids think that despite of the objection of either their mom or dad... they can still do what they want if they will run and ask for the approval of the other. It is like by-passing the authority of your husband or wife. It is not good. That can also cause disrespectful of child. The kids might think that his dad has no say at all.
@GemmaR (8517)
•
22 Oct 09
Well, I remember sometimes my parents used to disagree like this, and I used to love it! I would think 'great, they're at their weakest now, I can do what ever I like!'
Parents should never let their children see them argue, as they need to appear to be a united front. And they also need to seem as though they have some discipline! Otherwise, the child will realise he/she can get in between them and maybe manipulate the situation for their own advantage.
Not only that, but seeing my parents disagree always used to upset me, so it's considerate to at least try to leave the arguing until the child is well out of earshot!
@SACHIN2708 (1634)
• India
22 Oct 09
PERHAPS she did not have toys and books inwhich child was not intersed so dont take it wrong way
@donnasnyder2 (2)
• United States
22 Oct 09
Yes, I think it was wrong of the mom to do that, especially in a social setting. I would have waited until later and discussed the situation with them, even if I thought my partner was wrong. Children get confused very easily, and when it comes to discipline matters with children, the parents need to agree on what is to be done about the situation. If the parents are conflicting about it, then the child will be conflicted about it also. Parents need to stick together.
