question of love or convience?
By mrsbrian
@mrsbrian (1949)
United States
October 24, 2009 11:24pm CST
I married nine years ago. It was a second marriage for both of us. Soon after we wed, he said we would split all expenses 50-50. However, the house is in his name, and he will not put my name on the deed since I can't match "his" down payment, even though I pay him rent each month.
Everything we do, I have to pay half. He and his teenage son went on a two-week vacation, and I couldn't go because I couldn't afford my share. Today I am really steamed because he took a group of friends out to lunch and paid for them. But when we go out, I have to pay my own way. He lavishes money on his only child and donates to civic organizations, but I get nothing. He only gives me a gift when I give him one of equal value.
We have no joint accounts. I currently have a large debt, so I am pretty strapped, but in two years that will be paid off. I feel like a second-class citizen. I know Dean loves me -- but I come after his son, his job, his employees, his computer and his civic organizations. His bank accounts are getting fatter, and I am barely scraping by. Is this a marriage or a lord/serf relationship? --
6 people like this
14 responses
@dlr297 (5409)
• United States
25 Oct 09
That does not sound like a marriage to me. I just do not understand things like that He is the man and the way i think is that he should be the one taking care of you.
I have been with my husband now for 40 years..I met him when i was 14 and we have been together since then. He has always been the one to bring the money into the household. He never wanted me to get a job I am a stay at home wife and mother, He has always said that it is a mans place to be the bread winner, and i agree with him.
I may be old fashioned, but i am so happy that i have a man to take care of me.
If i ever had a man say i had to pay half of everything i would run in the other direction.
You should be number 1 in his life, second to no one.
All of our kids are grown now and on their own, and if i wanted to get a part time job just for something to do All the money that i would make would just go into our joint account to be used for what ever we needed.
2 people like this
@pixeltwistr (613)
• United States
25 Oct 09
Hon...according to your profile you live in the U.S. it doesnt matter if he puts your name on the deed to the house or not..IT IS HALF YOURS!!!!!
File for divorce and see....The judge will MAKE him sell the house and give you half...as a matter of fact if you have any kids together the judge will often give you the house along with custody of the kids AND the car for transportation....
Once you are married their is no more his and mine...you both own everyything..
And this is NO way for him to treat you...try to get out...at least talk to a lawyer (you can find some pretty good legal advice online) and find out what you are entitled to...you may be surprised!
2 people like this
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
25 Oct 09
If he makes more things should be more like 60/40 or even 70/30. If he won't put your name on the house - I would stop paying, can't tell you what to do. Then ask if your wife has to pay rent. Why should you pay for something that isn't yours? Are you in the states? If so, in a marriage, in many states, the wife owns half of everything automatically. Let him know you are paying off your debt and that is your priority right now. Maybe say, how can we work together on this so we're both happy?
1 person likes this
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
25 Oct 09
I had a boyfriend like that - he made so much more then me, but wanted me to split everything. I told him I couldn't afford to go out to such expensive restaurants but he replied he didn't want to go alone. He made plans for us to go to Hawaii and I said I couldn't afford it and he said he pay and later he said I owed him for it. I would treat him for his birthday to dinner and his present - could barely afford that - and when I went out with him on my b-day, to be nice, I'd say, we can split it thinking he would say no (giving him the chance a few years in a row) but he'd say okay. His rent was fixed at 800- for a two bedroom - phenomenal for sf, while I paid 650 - 700 I could barely afford in an apartment share.
He kept saying - your sister and her friends (where he got this I just don't know) probably think I have so much money but I really don't. Yet he was able to buy a new car - a jeep truck thing - cash - no payments and at the same time pay for a cruise for us. That was free for me - we were broken up and I think he was trying to get me back - had I stayed - he'd likely charge me later. After I finally moved out of state he would call and cry (yes) and beg, and use very eloquent, poetic (great with words) to try to get me back and his friends didn't want him talking to me because he would fold into a ball - fetal position on the floor and cry...but for the money and other reasons I couldn't return. He didn't beat me but there are so many ways, some subtle for abuse to take place.
What will you do with your Lord? Remain a serf? Or rise up and claim something for yourself?
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
25 Oct 09
In my personal opinion, this is not quite fair and if you are not happy about it, you have to talk it with him. And you pay him rent each month; is he like that with others too, like with his other family members..?
I think he doesn't really treat you quite right. You should really talk it out with him, and if he doesn't see why he's not being fair, then you should think about your own happiness, whether you can continue being like that, or you need to voice out again and etc..
1 person likes this
@corrycrystal (1775)
• Malaysia
25 Oct 09
Hi! I am sorry to hear that you have to go through all this. You are treated like some bystander in your own field. 
A marriage isn't supposed to be like this way and I guess you have already known that and now yours seem like a 'contract' marriage, where you have to pay for it before you can earn it.
He treated you like a client who is into some business where you have all the agreements to adhere. 
Have you ever talked to your husband about this??
A marriage isn't supposed to be like this way and I guess you have already known that and now yours seem like a 'contract' marriage, where you have to pay for it before you can earn it.
He treated you like a client who is into some business where you have all the agreements to adhere.
Have you ever talked to your husband about this??
1 person likes this
@free_man (7330)
• United States
25 Oct 09
If my mate wouldn't put my name on the deed, and made me pay half of everything even when we went out to eat, I think I would be finding a way out of that relationship. I know that we all have to help each other make it these days and it should be equal, but the way you wrote this discussion sounds to me like your there to do what he wants and he does what he wants. He sounds like someone looking out for number one himself. If he loves you he wouldn't treat his friends to lunch and not make them pay, he would pay for you to eat lunch too. He wouldn't treat his friends better then he treats you. And when you say you pay half the rent does he pay more because he has a son living with you? If he loved you he would understand your in debt and try and help you get out of debt. I would be looking for something different in my life if I was you. Sorry I say it like I see it. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@free_man (7330)
• United States
25 Oct 09
I hope you can get things right with or without him. You would be a lot better off if he won't change by yourself. Good luck and don't worry there is someone out there looking for a person just like you. There is always someone that would appreciate you for your talents and the love you have to offer to some great guy. Good people are always looking for another good person to spend their lives together. Good luck trust in God and pray about what ever you decide.
1 person likes this
@jeanena (2198)
• Bucklin, Kansas
25 Oct 09
You know I think he is way way wrong in the way he treats you in the money respect. My hubby and I have been together 21 years going on 22 , the money thats made goes towards the household . Thats the way it should be , you shouldn't have to give a gift to get one thats just wrong. Marriage is a partnership yeah , but well cripes .
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
25 Oct 09
Well hello there and it is good to see you around
I will say that is not a Marriage at all because someone who loves you does not leave you behind because you can't pay your own way, why are you paying rent?
I really don't get this and I am surprised , I was not aware of any of it
I will call this a lord/self relationship
Big Hugs to you
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
25 Oct 09
What your husband is doing is not right. How can someone who loves you, treat you that way? My husband and I support eeachother 50/50 to the best of our ability. I may not have as much money as he does, but I have other abilities that he doesn't. Heck, if it wasn't for me, we would not have money!!! He never was good at managing it, just earning it. Then I came on the scene, and got him a savings account and a few other things that ensured the money didn't disappear. He cooks and does stuff around the house that I can not do because of physical ability. We compliment eachother based on our abilities, in such a way that I don't feel like any less of a partner, because I am unable to match him financially.
He needs to think of you before he thinks of his friends. And if he treats his son that way, he needs to be generous to you too, and he definitely needs to think of you before he thinks of charities. If my husband treated me that way, I'd divorce him. We don't have joint accounts either, but we keep track of everything we spend on ourselves, eachother, others, and the house.
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
25 Oct 09
Just out of curiousity - is this a grown son - if so - perhaps he should be paying his own way. You are worth so much more. A wife should be her husband's number one priority, equal to his children.
1 person likes this
@angelajoy (1825)
• Philippines
26 Oct 09
I'm sorry, but how can you say that he loves you if he's treating you like this? If you're at the bottom of his list of priorities, then you must be really unimportant to him. Why stick for that kind of marriage? I would never stay with a guy like that. I suggest you get out of that marriage as fast as you can. It's not worth it.
@VVroom (255)
• Romania
25 Oct 09
I will stop myself from writing all the words of anger coming to my mind when I use to read about outrageous things like this story of yours. MyLotters before me were very expressive. I just politely want to ask you... to beg you... to stop lying yourself: I know Dean loves me... Sorry mrsbrian but love is something else. You will have it when you will understand that love is yet to come for you. What you have now is not love. It is a life situation which you can't accept ( that's why you put it here) so you have only 2 sane choices left: to change the situation through an action ( you'll have to figure out which one) or to leave the situation. The theory can go on and on but I can't stop myself anymore of asking you: Jesus, how could you stay for NINE years in this? NINE YEARS ????
