Went to funeral: 43 year old Secret is Told to Me.
By cynthiann
@cynthiann (18602)
Jamaica
October 26, 2009 10:59am CST
Went to a funeral last Friday of a very old friend that I had known before my marriage. He ws also a childhood friend of my husband. This person had a sister that my husband had dated before we began dating. My husband was upfront about this and told me of previous girlfriends that he had had.
In the Church I asked for the deceased sister and she was pointed out to me. I have not seen her since 1970 as she lived in the U.K. and Canada and only came to J.A. to visit her parents occasionally. She was married (now divorced) has two children and her daughter accompanied her. She did not take my proffered hand and that should have given me a clue - but I am so dozy at times. She then told me to come to the family house after the funeral as she had something to tell me. I agreed to go to the house after the funeral.
The house was packed and the refreshments were catered and it was so nice to see old friends and their now grown up children. It is the norm for several hundred to attend a funeral out here so I saw many people that I had lost touch with.Many of the children told me how kind my husband had been to them whilst they were small and what good memories they had of him. One person stated that she longed for us to visit as my husband was the only one who played board games with her as her father never had time for her. So you can imagine how good I was feeling. This feeling did not last long.
The sister then took me into the garden and told me that she had had a daughter and my husband was the father. She said that she had given the baby up for adoption at birth and that she had never told my husband as he was so obviously in love with me and that she thought that he would not marry her.
My first thought was why tell me now? You never told him when he was alive.Was it payback after all these years? Then I became angry that she had not told him as he would have taken his daughter - not given it up for adoption. I left the house immediately and drove around for hours before I went to the house of a friend where I was staying. I cannot tell anyone as it would spread like wildfire. I cannot tell my children either and so I chose the anonymity of Mylot to tell the tale. I kniow that it is personalk but I am having difficulty in processing this as my husband is dead and I cannot ask him anything.
I just keep thinking that somewhere in the U.K. my children have a half Chinese sister. What do you make of this? why tell me now? I had nothing to do with their break up. She did marry before we got married and emigrated to Canada. My emotions are confused but mainly I think that I feel real sympathy for her as she is obviously tortured by the memory. What would you do?
7 people like this
26 responses
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Oct 09
Well first of all, keep in mind that there's a possibility that it might not be true. Now, with that in mind, if it were you and there was the possibility of a half sibling out there somewhere, would you want to know? Do you think your children would want to know? I totally agree that you don't want to spread it around town, so to speak, but why have you decided that you can't tell your children? I know this is real life, not a soap opera, but are you equipped to deal with this woman getting hold of one of them and telling them herself? Better that it come from you if this is a possibility. More questions than answers, sorry.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
26 Oct 09
She flies out today at 6pm and it is unlikely that she will return as there are no relatives of hers out here. Dawn - my thinking is not clear at the moment so I am not doing anything with this information - just trying to process it all. Maybe I will tell the children later - I do not know. I have nothing to go on - no DOB , no name of hospital - nothing. She did disappear for a while - I do remember that. I am so angry that she did not tell him. In those days it would have been so disgraceful for her to have a child and not be married. Her family were extremely wealthy Chinese Jamaicans. I am just so upset as he would not have had his daughter adopted. She is a tortured witch who now probably feels better that she has offloaded this all on me.
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
26 Oct 09
OMG that's so horrible!! Why would she tell you this? That makes no sense! She had no reason to tell you something so terrible, and why should you believe her? You don't know whether or not there is any truth to this.
I feel so badly for you right now, I can't imagine how horrible this all must be... but if I were you, I'd ignore it all and believe that it must not be true. If your husband had dated her, I think he would have known if she'd gotten pregnant. Did they just never see each other again at all after they broke up? Because if they had any sort of contact what so ever, then he'd know if she'd been pregnant, so she must be lying. Plus even if she did get pregnant, who's to say your husband was the father? Can you be certain this woman hadn't been with any other man?
It's all too doubtful. I'm sure it's a lie.
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
27 Oct 09
I wish she hadn't told you about this though. That's just wrong! What reason did she have to tell you this? If it had been bothering her, she should have found you and your husband while he was still alive. At least together it would have been easier to handle than by yourself.
Have you told your kids yet?
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
29 Oct 09
I just hate her for doing this to you! It is so unfair to tell a widow about something her husband had done that many years ago! I know if he were still alive you would not blame him as it was so long before you were with him. But I'm sure it still hurts like hell knowing all of this. That's why I think she should have either told him while he were alive, or kept her dang mouth shut now!! What is the sense in you knowing this? Other than the fact that it's hurting you. What a terrible person she must be to do this to you!
Keep me posted as to how you're handling things.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
27 Oct 09
I have been in hell from Friday afternoon but I slept last night and feel better about it. It was the shock. Yes she was telling the truth. It pains me to think that my husband has a child out there and not only did we not know about but I do not know what kind of life she has had. See my response to #14. If I wasn't in shock I would have asked more questions. But I just walked out and got into my car and started driving and crying
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
27 Oct 09
Oops! That was my first reaction…what a time and place to say such a thing!!!
What would I do…let a sigh and sit back and think over the past and then continue with the present. As you say, nothing can be done now, there are so many if’s and but’s in life that we have no answer to. The more we think about them, the more disturbed we become. So just accept that yes, there’s somewhere out there who could have been a stepdaughter to you, we all are related to somebody or the other of which we have no inkling unless told yet that seldom makes any positive difference to our lives.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
27 Oct 09
I need more time to think this through carefully but you are so right in what you have said. Thank you.
1 person likes this
@3SnuggleBunnies (16374)
• United States
29 Oct 09
I was meaning to comment on this a few days ago but didn't get to it.
But I dunno with out proof if you'd want to maybe do a lil more investigating if her claims are true. No need to ruffles your kids feathers that they have an older half sibling out there. Wich would then cause them to feel as though a piece of their lives is missing that they will need to find and they will go mad trying to find her.
Good Luck with whatever you decide to do in this situation. As I have said I wouldn't want to deny them this knowledge but if it's a lie I would not want to see them heartbroken.
@3SnuggleBunnies (16374)
• United States
30 Oct 09
Once the shock wears off verify the information as fact and go from there.
Because there's one thing I think about with doing genelogy is that I have alot of questions about my fathers side but there is no one to answer those questions. Same with on my Grandfathers side there's a book with pictures atleast 100 yrs old in my grandmothers dresser. My Grandmother has passed but my Aunt & Uncle who have it won't give it to me. My Aunt states she may not know many of the people in the pictures. I tell her if she does not look @ it now who will I ask when she is gone? There will be no one to ask. So when you are ready don't keep this secret, maybe even ask permission of this gal to devulge this information to your kids or in full detail to you so that they may find her sister if they'd like. Give your kids the opportunity to decide if they want to find her or how ect because once this woman is gone who will they ask? where could they start to look? if the person who knows all the information has taken that information to their grave?
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
29 Oct 09
It is six days and I am still in shock and no I have not told my children. I do believe her - her eyes were truthful and tormented. she offloaded on me and probably feels better now that she has told someone. There is one person who may know the truth and I will ask this person - but not now. I cannot deal with it now. This was a horrible ting to do to me as I cannot even ask my husband about it . Many thanks for your input
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
27 Oct 09
Wow that is a doozy isn’t it? I can appreciate the fact that you have to give yourself time to digest this information before you make any decisions.
Is there any way you can find out this woman’s (the mother) contact details so you can get in touch with her about this later?
What she told you may or may no be true and that’s something worth keeping in mind. I would be inclined, once over the shock of it all, to want to find out more, the truth for one but I don’t know if there is any way you can know for sure if the child is your husband’s.
I would probably tell the kids in time because it is best they find out from you than possibly from another source down the track.
It is a lot to get your head around and I wish you all the best with this. Keep us posted and let us know what you decide.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
27 Oct 09
Thank you paula. I am getting voer te shock but have not made any decisions yet. All I know is that she was telling the truth. Ther is one person that I trust who may know something more. But I need to think this through very carefully first
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@bodhisatya (2384)
• India
27 Oct 09
Hi,
It is a shocking revelation indeed! Do you think that the woman is telling the truth, I believe that there is every possibility that she is lying. Just wanted to know something, did you and that woman ever came face to face while you were seeing your husband? Did you two (that woman and you) have had any strained conversations before?
You need not tell me all that if I am getting too personal.
If the above is true then she might be lying, and feeling good about herself in some corner of the world.
Why not to take up this furor with your kids, they I am sure, would comfort you from this turmoil you are going through.
Things sometimes really turns strange, but there is always someone steering the wheels and guiding us, right?
Bodhi
2 people like this
@sweetgirl_k1 (3972)
• United States
26 Oct 09
Oh my gosh. I don't know what I would do in this case. I would be a little angry and I would feel bad for my husband and for the child that was put up for adoption. I hate that your husband isn't here anymore for you to be able to talk to him about it. I guess there really isn't anything you can do about it now. She should have told him before she put the baby up for adoption. I thought to put the baby up for adoption that you had to have signatures from both parents but she could have told them she didn't know who the father was or something. I think I would just be really shocked if that was told to me.
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@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
27 Oct 09
No, at that time, the child would have had the mother's name only on the birth certificate as she wasn't married. I think that this was an ugky thing to do to me. I did not do anything or break up her relationship with my husband. He did tell me that he had dated her.
@crys7881 (249)
• United States
26 Oct 09
Well first of all I am so sorry! If she kept this a secret all these years I don't understand why she would tell you now, unless she wanted to upset you. It makes no sense to me and I can't imagine how you are feeling!! I would be beyond upset about it and not being able to talk to your late husband about it just makes it worse.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
27 Oct 09
Yes, it is awful not to talk to him about it. If he were here now he would have asked for details to track the child down and make contact. I expect that she looked at me and I ws the one to lash out at.
@sanjana_aslam (4187)
• Malaysia
27 Oct 09
hi cynthia
how are you now ?? let the past be buried in your husbands grave dear .. dont worry about it, leave life for today and for the children you have with your beloved husband.
Since your husband also did not know of this incident, it means that he is not at fault at all.
Dont worry at all about this .. as you said, she must have been aching inside her for the past years, she took the opportunity to share with someone ..
its almost end of the year ... do cheer up dear
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@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
27 Oct 09
Thank you Sanjana. I know that I have to leave it alone and it is awful that my husband did not know about the child. He woulod have taken it and cared for the baby.
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@lelin1123 (15595)
• Puerto Rico
27 Oct 09
If I was in your shoes I would also be upset with her for telling you this now. Why say something now after your husband has passed away. However, I personally would take the knowledge and try and find this daughter. She needs some type of explaining as to why she was adopted. I don't think the mother is going to do anything about finding her. So I would look into finding her. Maybe Troy Dunn from the show "Locator" could help you find her. She is I'm sure missing a part of herself not knowing the reason. You could also share her with your kids which would be a beautiful thing. If she thought she was hurting you by telling I would have it backfire in her face. You have to really want to find the girl of course. Good luck to you in your decision.
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@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
27 Oct 09
The problem is that I do not have any details. I do not know if she put down the name of my husband as the father or left that line blank. she was not required to put in the father's name then. I do not have th mother's address or telephone number and do not live in the U.K. I haven't made a decision yet as I have to think this through carefully first. Many thanks for your beautiful input.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
26 Oct 09
What a painful story to find out. As far as what can you do, I think the best course of action is to do absolutely nothing at all. Your children are grown now and if you were to tell them it could change their entire opinion of their father. Since it has been so long since it happened, I don't foresee it all coming out into the open.
My best friend has an older sister who was put up for adoption when she was a baby and it would have never been revealed that they had an older sister except for the fact that the older sister tracked down her birth parents.
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@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
27 Oct 09
I was in torment but am beginning to think clearly now. I will not do anything. There is nothing that I can do and I do not know if my husbands name was given. This was not required then in the U.K. Thanks for your good wishes. This too will pass.
@Zenstrive (237)
• Indonesia
26 Oct 09
Don't worry Ma'am, it's all her fault. She gave away her child and never look her up while she were having good times with her family. She told you the secret without giving out her intents.
I'd say she feels guilty but her pride tells her not to apologize.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
27 Oct 09
she ws wrong to give up the child without telling my husband that she was pregnant. He would have taken the child and would have never agreed to an adoption
@solared (1207)
• United States
27 Oct 09
I think you did the only thing you could do, unless you are gonna try to track this girl down, I know I have lots of half brothers an sisters, but the thought of tracking them down hasn't even occurred to me, just hope I don't accidently hook up with a half sister, y biological dad got around thats for sure lots of wives, lovers, kids.
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@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
27 Oct 09
My husband was not given the opportunity of taking his daughter and raising her. This is so sad to me. If I were in your shoes then I have to admit that I would be curious. It is important for you to find out about any of your girlfriend's ancestors
I am gradually coming out of the shock. Blessings
I am gradually coming out of the shock. Blessings1 person likes this
@stevenmoore88 (13)
• United States
27 Oct 09
I know this must feel like a terrible burden on you and as you clearly stated your wondering why? Why, after all this time, does she come to you and burden you with such a heavy secret when you are powerless to do anything about it. Honestly it's not fair. Then again, this woman has obviously been carrying this secret with her for so long. It;'s eaten at her for so many years and perhaps she was working up to telling your husband but he passed away before she got a chance. I'm sorry for your loss. She couldn't hold it any longer though. Think about it, this may have been her one last chance to finally take a weight off her shoulders that shes been carrying for so long. You were the only one left who she could tell. Even though you weren't really a part of it, being as how it was really just between her and your husband, and hes no longer here, may god rest his soul, she had to tell somone. Someone who would care, someone who it wouldn't just be a peice of gossip for. Someone who she could share this with so that she could finally breath a sigh of releif. I don't think she expected you to do or say anything. She just felt like he (your husband) should have known, and she had always wished she could tell him. Now she can't so she did the closest thing to that as she could, she told you. Unfortuantly it;s not fair, because it doesn't do you any good in the end. It really only helped her get somthing out. Sometimes its good to be there for other people though, even in the little ways. Just to help somone releive themselves of nearly a life long burden. A shoulder to cry on if you will.
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@jillhill (37354)
• United States
26 Oct 09
Did you add everything up? Do the numbers like her date of birth etc really match with the possibility of your husband being the father.....I really wonder about someone who holds in a tale like that after all these years just to spill it out at an opportune time..I would be very angry at first...not at my husband as if he knew would thing have been different? But I would be angry with her...hiding things always come back to haunt you..on the other hand fabricating stories is a whole nother story. I would be leary about believing it.
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@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
27 Oct 09
I have gone over this in my mind for hours. and I do remember going to the house whilst dating my husband about 5 or 6 months after we began dating. I asked her brother for her and he took me into her bedroom where she was in bed. she did not get up for the party. On reflection, maybe her brother thought that she would tell me herself. The baby was given up at birth and tis is all that I know. I do not know where she had the baby but would guess that it was somewhere outside of London. Money was not a problem . Maybe she got pregnant to force him to marry her. Because that is what he would have done. He would have offered to marry her. We were just dating and I was not in any relationship with him. I saw the truth in her ehes and the torment too.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
26 Oct 09
hi cynthiann What would I do in this situation, this is all water under the bridge, this woman should never have told you this as
she should have known how hurtful this could be to you. Let it go, remember that your husband loved you, and that that past has really passed. I found out some stuff about my own dad that for awhile made me really angry with him,but my son said do not dwell on his past, just think of him as you were growing up,did he not treat you well, was he not a good dad? So I had to bury that past, because it had indeed passed. over done with. You are right to be angry, she should have told your husband. but do not let this eat at you. Put it where it belongs: in the past.
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@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
26 Oct 09
I do know that everything you have said is true. and I have to let it go but I am still trying to deal with this information. I haven't slept much and now am going down with flu. I will survive this and it will pass but I guess that I just have to get used to what had happened first. I do believe it to be true but am so angry that she never told him. She never brought him into the equation at all. She did not give him an opportunity to discuss with her even the possibility of marriage. My husband was an honourable man and she came from an extremely upper class family. It would have been such a disgrace to her family in those days. We had only gone out for a few months and I was in college. He would never have deserted a child - never.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
26 Oct 09
What a rotten thing to do to u. yes, i think she is just trying to hurt u & tarnish your memory of your good husband, U know it may not even be a true story. I can not belive that some of your friends did not know of this. A woman pregnant out od wedlock is usually a pretty big story around here or i guess i should day it use to be & back then i bet it was there to. She has got to be a mean, vindictive, unhappy person to do this. Yes, if it is true it should haunt her, i don't believe in giving your children away no matter what the circumstances. If this is true someone had to know about iot. Is there anyone u could ask? I think that is a horrible thing to do to u & can understand your concern. See if u can't find out if she was really pg. I would like to sahe the crap right out of her, the mean thing.
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@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
27 Oct 09
As I told you privately I do really believe that she ws pregnant. she said she swore her brothers to secrecy as she did not want her family to hear of it and they would have done so/
@latriciajones (846)
• United States
26 Oct 09
i would be confused a little too,but the truth is there isnt much you can do. your husband is not here for you to ask him anything or for him to ask her anything. and i would wonder why she waited that long to tell that sort of thing as well. And she out the little girl up for adoption right? Maybe she felt liek she needed tro tell someone becuase it had been haunting her for so long and she maybe had planned on never telling you or your husband but it probably kept eatting at her so that is why she told you. You are probably the closest person to your husband. So at this point i would not do anything.
@Niah1976 (739)
• Paranaque, Philippines
26 Oct 09
Maybe, you can ask for a proof about this thing. And if its true, I don't know maybe you can lighten up your feeling through prayers. Because, personally if this will happen to me, I will still feel really bad. But there's nothing you can do. You don't have your husband anymore so you can't release whatever you are feeling. I know it is hard but let God lead you to where He wants you to be. I pray for your peace of mind.
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
26 Oct 09
Thank you Niah. I do beklieve in the power of prayer. she leaves the Island today and I have no phone number or forwarding address for her (the mothe). I am trying to oput it in prayer but am still in shock at the moment.
@MyPrime (39)
• Philippines
26 Oct 09
I really can't get any logical explanation why she told you this secret after a very long time.
You don't have any relation with the kid except that he/she is the child of ur husband, but to you, that child is a stranger. Your husband also don't know that he bear a child to her. She alone is to blame.
Let her feel the guilt not you nor your husband.
