Non Violent Parenting !
By ketybhagat
@ketybhagat (4123)
India
October 26, 2009 11:38pm CST
Dr. Arun Gandhi, grandson of Mahatma Gandhi and founder of the M.K. Gandhi Institute for Non-violence, in his June 9 lecture at the University of Puerto Rico , shared the following story as an example of "non-violence in parenting":
"I was 16 years old and living with my parents at the institute my grandfather had founded 18 miles outside of Durban , South Africa , in the middle of the sugar plantations. We were deep in the country and had no neighbors, so my two sisters and I would always look forward to going to town to visit friends or go to the movies.
One day, my father asked me to drive him to town for an all-day conference, and I jumped at the chance. Since I was going to town, my mother gave me a list of groceries she needed and, since I had all day in town, my father ask me to take care of several pending chores, such as getting the car serviced. When I dropped my father off that morning, he said, ' I will meet you here at 5:00 p.m., and we will go home together. '
After hurriedly completing my chores, I went straight to the nearest movie theatre. I got so engrossed in a John Wayne double-feature that I forgot the time. It was 5:30 before I remembered. By the time I ran to the garage and got the car and hurried to where my father was waiting for me, it was almost 6:00.
He anxiously asked me, ' Why were you late? ' I was so ashamed of telling him I was watching a John Wayne western movie that I said, ' The car wasn ' t ready, so I had to wait, ' not realizing that he had already called the garage. When he caught me in the lie, he said: ' There ' s something wrong in the way I brought you up that didn ' t give you the confidence to tell me the truth. In order to figure out where I went wrong with you, I ' m going to walk home 18 miles and think about it. '
So, dressed in his suit and dress shoes, he began to walk home in the dark on mostly unpaved, unlit roads. I couldn ' t leave him, so for five-and-a-half hours I drove behind him, watching my father go through this agony for a stupid lie that I uttered. I decided then and there that I was never going to lie again.
I often think about that episode and wonder, if he had punished me the way we punish our children, whether I would have learned a lesson at all. I don ' t think so. I would have suffered the punishment and gone on doing the same thing. But this single non-violent action was so powerful that it is still as if it happened yesterday. That is the power of non-violence. "
"Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me."
4 people like this
15 responses
@lkbooi (16070)
• Malaysia
20 Nov 09
Hi ketybhagat, it’s worth to spend some time reading the lengthy content in the above discussion. It’s really a meaningful and touching story 
I’m really impressed by the unique way how the father taught his 16 year old kid a lesson for lying after he was late for half an hour. It’s really sad and disappointed as well if knowing our kid telling lie to cover his fault committed 
I think the clever father dad had made the kid to think about what he had done dishonestly for hours while driving slowly for hours after him along the way. After watching his beloved father experienced such a agony just for the silly lie he had made. He regretted and felt sorry and this had left an indelible effect in his mind forever. Yeah, from this story we can see how powerful and effective the non-violence parenting is. Moreover this precious experience has become one of the writer’s lectures.
Besides I do learn this wonderful lesson after reading your discussion 
Hopefully more parents read this discussion and understand that violence parenting is effective temporary only. What’s even worse certain dreadful violent behaviors might cause permanent harm to the young souls both mentally and physically. No doubt, non-violence parenting is the most proper way to educate our young generations.
Have a nice day and happy posting!
I’m really impressed by the unique way how the father taught his 16 year old kid a lesson for lying after he was late for half an hour. It’s really sad and disappointed as well if knowing our kid telling lie to cover his fault committed
I think the clever father dad had made the kid to think about what he had done dishonestly for hours while driving slowly for hours after him along the way. After watching his beloved father experienced such a agony just for the silly lie he had made. He regretted and felt sorry and this had left an indelible effect in his mind forever. Yeah, from this story we can see how powerful and effective the non-violence parenting is. Moreover this precious experience has become one of the writer’s lectures.
Besides I do learn this wonderful lesson after reading your discussion Hopefully more parents read this discussion and understand that violence parenting is effective temporary only. What’s even worse certain dreadful violent behaviors might cause permanent harm to the young souls both mentally and physically. No doubt, non-violence parenting is the most proper way to educate our young generations.
Have a nice day and happy posting!
@lkbooi (16070)
• Malaysia
20 Nov 09
I think spanking lightly on either palm or buttock just for stopping the very young kids from doing thing which might hurt themselves is still appropriate I suppose. Yeah, they are too young to understand the way of saying or doing nice things about them, especially when they fly into tantrum and insist to do thing which is not allowed. It's really bad if parents spank the kid just for venting their anger and dissatisfaction
I did beat my son on his palm a couple of times during his childhood. I really couldn’t control my bad temper when young if he kept on doing the same mistake again and again. I hugged him and explained why I was doing so then. Just like yours, my son is a grown up adult as well now @ketybhagat (4123)
• India
20 Nov 09
Yes, this was indeed an effective way of teaching his young son, but fortunately his son was big enough to understand the importance of this lesson. Im sure little ones would have been dealt differently, though non violently. Cant say Ive never spanked my son when he was wrong, but that was occassionally. Today Im proud of my son as a young adult. Im just hoping that parents who whack their children for every rhyme and reason learn from this, for as you say, too much of violence with young minds can create crimanals. Thanks.
1 person likes this
@bhanusb (5709)
• India
27 Oct 09
The story of non violence narrated by Dr.Arun Gandhi indeed superb. It's an excellent teaching also. But I have doubt how far the story is true.
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
12 Nov 09
It may be true, for Gandhiji was truely non violent and could win independence for India non violently, so his son may have followed in his footsteps. Well, true or not, we get a slight insight into the life of great men and their way of thinking.
Thanks.
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
12 Nov 09
Thanks barehugs. Im glad you enjoyed it. It is a powerful story and its good the child was 16 years old to understand the punishment his father took upon himself. Must have made him feel terrible, but then, thats the way non violence works. Cheers.
@irene3184 (898)
• Philippines
27 Oct 09
A parent's willingness to nurture a child.This is to inspire those Christians (and other people of faith) who are in need of support in their desire to raise their children non-violently. Often parents who choose this path are forced to stand in contradiction to their own religious teachers. Here you will find support for your adherence to the teachings of the Prince of peace in raising your children without hitting.
You will also find a growing movement on this site concerning different religions' stand on hitting children. The end goal of this is to impact religions to review their teachings on child rearing so that caring, instilling discipline, teaching limits and respect for self and others, can be accomplished without the need to hit and shame these little ones.
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
12 Nov 09
Well said, chaotic beauty. I too feel that sometimes a child needs to be spanked to be disciplined. I too have occassionally spanked my child and today I can proudly say I am very happy with what he has become as an adult. I too feel that religion must not come in the way of bringing up kids, for a parent knows best. How you interpret the words of a prophet is what makes all the difference. I am totally in sync with you. Irene, I think we can safely spank our kids, occassionally when they misbehave or do something wrong, for then we can bring up truely good sons and daughters.
@himanshurkp100000 (14)
• India
27 Oct 09
pARENTING IS A VERY SENSITIVE ISSUE AND NEED TO BE UNDERSTAND WELL. eVERY PARENT HAVE A RESPOSEBILITY TOWARDS ITS CHILD AND SHOULD TREAT THEIR CHILDRENS WITH LOVE AND AFFECTION.
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
12 Nov 09
Hi himanshu, what you say is correct, and children learn faster with love and patience. However an occassional spanking never hurt. Sometimes its necessary to be hard in order to be kind. I too used to spank my son occassionally, but today I am proud of him as an adult. So its up to the parents to use discretion. Thanks.
@stee09 (101)
• Ireland
27 Oct 09
Hey Ketybhagat,
I completely agree with the way the man handled that situation with his daughter. I was never a believer in a "strong handed" or "tough love" approach to parenting. I believe children act on you example if you violent they will be it's simply fact. I don;t have any children personally but my little sister can be a bit of a bray some times if she steps out of line I have no problem sending her to her room to think over what she's done but never psychically harm her at the end of the day why hurt the ones you love? Nice post :)
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
12 Nov 09
Thank you stee, I too believe that children learn by example and a lot of love and understanding, however I did spank my son occassionally when he repeated the mistake. I am happy to say, today my son is a wonderful human being, kind and understanding. So it is up to us to decide when one should spank or when one should try and make a child understand. Im sure you are bringing up your sis very well and she will surely grow up to be a wonderful person like you. Thanks.
@nishdan01 (3051)
• Singapore
27 Oct 09
That type of parenting may be working for grown up children. At 16, he will be a teenager. A teenager will not be spanked by parents unless they have done something drastically wrong and in 85 % of cases parents would not do that. Consider the case of boys who are 3 or 4 years old. If they are spanked or scolded or warned, it all makes a little difference. They are more likely to return to the same mistake after 5 min. So I would say that parenting methods may vary as children grow up. And the Bible itself says "Spare the rod and spoil the child." Spanking may be needed to correct them, and to prevent them from doing aany wrong.
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
28 Oct 09
I too cant say Ive never spanked my child, in all honesty. I rarely used to spank him, but I have done it ! My house fallls on the main road, and I stay in an appartment on the ground floor. My son just walked out on the main road,(he was a toddler then) and in India, you havea to see the traffic and people on the road to believe it ! I searched like mad, and finally I ran out, to see him playing on the road. Luckily he was not run over or kidnapped. I lost it and spanked him. He never did go out again. I had explained to him not to go out, but I guess its my fault too. However I cannot be in all places at all times, and this is what happened. He learnt a lesson. I do believe what Noir has written too. But then she is not in India, so she cannot be blamed for her ideas. But then Im sure she is as proud of her kids as I am of mine today, with occassional spanking. He is 21 today and a Management graduate and just started working. He is the kind understanding type and a big help. So, spanking or not, it is upto the parents on how to bring up the kids and the values imbibed in them.Thanks, both of you.
@akotalagato (1334)
• Philippines
27 Oct 09
i guess this would be okay for older children. but younger children would not understand why their father is walking home for miles. i think that punishment should also be based on the age of the child being punished. for example a four year old child would not understand the moral of this story like a 16 year old would.
although i do not agree with violence as a form of punishment, there are times you should have a firm hand with younger children for them to understand the lesson you are trying to teach them.
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
12 Nov 09
I totally agree with your view point. The type of punishment must be in sync with the age of the child. I too have occassionally spanked my kid, but today he has become a wonderful adult. So spanking at the right time to install sense is a must for me too. Thanks.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
27 Oct 09
This might sound good but I doubt if this is gonna work in real life. There is a difference between non-violence and disciplining a child, a difference between a damaging lie and a white lie and as parents its our responsibility not only to teach our children good values, but also the pros and cons of life.
I agree to the point that if a child is not saying everything to its parents then there is something wrong in the upbringing. However, if a similar thing had happened to my son, I would not have given him such mental punishment, rather I would have told him that I knew he was lying and it was definitely sad that he had to hide something from me. However, I do not want my child to grow up with the notion that lying is to be completely banned from life…practically it does not work that way. Rather, I would tell him not to lie in such a way which would harm somebody else but a lie told in self-defense is acceptable.
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
30 Oct 09
Well said sudipta, for there are times when we have to lie, or rather circumstances force us to lie which should not be harmful to anybody. I believe it is called a white lie. Maybe Gandhijis ways of working were different for he was a totally non violent man based on certain fixed principles of life. The mental agony that the kid must have had seeing his father walk will remain with him throughout his life and will definitely keep him from lying to his parents. However, this is a one in a million case. Very few parents would do such a thing. I too would have explained to my son. Thanks.
@frinces (433)
• Philippines
27 Oct 09
I admire the father character in the story. He let his child realize his wrong doing without beating or nagging him. He taught his child of self-discipline and reflecting. A good and positive way of disciplining and showing of affection. Nice story, ketybhagat! Very inspirational.
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
28 Oct 09
Thanks frinces, I hope we learn from this that there are different type of parents who would just walk 18 miles to teach his son a lessosn. However in all honesty, i wouldnt.
@elmiko (6630)
• United States
27 Oct 09
i still don't think it made any sense for him to walk 18 miles over a lie his kid told him. i think he wasted his effort for something so small. yeah its good he didn't lie anymore and i'm for peace and non-violence but i don't think you should allow little white lies to get you so upset like this. will things go wrong?yes
will people make mistakes?yes. there is a such thing as being sensible and this isn't. most people will stay in a bad mood if this upsets them that bad.
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
12 Nov 09
Well, this man was the son of the man who won independence for India through non violence, the Great Mahatma Gandhi. So its obvious, he will try and teach his son too the non violent way. The fact that he was 16 and old enough to understand and feel for his father, worked. With little kids, Im sure he would have worked otherwise, though non violently. But I too believe that sometimes a good spanking works miracles. I spanked my son occassionally when the need be, and today I am proud of what he has become. And yes, little white lies should not upset anybody, but then there are people of strict principles, and he was one of them. Thanks.
@srganesh (6340)
• India
27 Oct 09
That incident is amazing and unpredictable by normal minds.Non violent punishment like this should make the kids think about their faults and change their attitudes.If not,as in the case of the younger generation today,it will end in waste of time and idea.I believe that the uncorrupted mind of that grandson had given this result.If he had had chance to mingle with many friends,they would have influenced him and he might not have turned like this.
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
28 Oct 09
I totally agree with you. I too would not have walked 18 miles to teach my son a lesson, but then he was brought up by Mahatma Gandhi, who won independence for India through non violence, so this was his way of punishing his son for lies. Yes, and the fact that his upbringing must have had this effect. Todays children may feel bad for a few days if we did such a thing, but then there is a slight possibility that it may have an effect on the child and he will think twice before commiting such a mistake. I think my son would learn a lesson this way, but then I would not walk 18 miles. Sad but true. Thanks.
@zhuhuifen46 (3483)
• China
27 Oct 09
I am for non violence. Very often parents regret immediately after violence, and the children are not always clear about what wrong has been done. Violence may very often lead to lies and loss of interest in schooling. As in your story, being moved by a moving parent will do just well to educate the wrong doer.
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
28 Oct 09
Yes, a lot of violence in the life of a child can bring him up the wrong way and he may turn hostile. However, I cannot say spanking occassionally is wrong, it is the values we imbibe in our kids that make them what they are. Thanks.
@triplejazzm51 (1373)
• Philippines
27 Oct 09
That was a very touching story! Very few does that kind of parenting. I like the last line on forgiveness. Thanks for sharing.
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
28 Oct 09
Yes pal, I too would not walk 18 miles to teach my son a lesson. So this story is like one in a million. However, we learn that there are parents who would go out of their way to teach thier child a lesson this way. Wow.
@yuna15 (2706)
• Philippines
27 Oct 09
That is really inspiring especially for me since I'm also a parent . By the way do you ever watch Dr. Phil? He is also not in favor of "violence" or "spanking" children. The example exhibited by your father though is a very good thing. It may depend though upon how they would respond to your approach. So it's still up to the parents, on gauging their the attitude of their children.
. By the way do you ever watch Dr. Phil? He is also not in favor of "violence" or "spanking" children. The example exhibited by your father though is a very good thing. It may depend though upon how they would respond to your approach. So it's still up to the parents, on gauging their the attitude of their children. @ketybhagat (4123)
• India
28 Oct 09
Hi yuna, I think you misunderstood. This is the story of the grandson of Mahatma Gandhi, the leader of Indian Politics who gained independence of India through non violence. I wonder how I would have reacted in such a cirum stance. I definitely would not have walked 18 miles, but then he was the son of Mahatma Gandhi, so its very possible, to teach his son a lesson non violently ! Thanks.
