I learned all my parenting skills on soap operas

Being divorced and having 3 kids from my first marriage. We told them straight up that being husband and wife wasn't working for us, and that it had nothing to do with them. We wasn't going to lie to them. We even gave them the option in which parent they wanted to live with. This way worked out well for us, not saying it will for all.

Divorce is not legal here in the Philippines. The church are against it and still there are many conservative Filipinos who opposes it. But legal separation is allowed and have to go through a lot of scrutinizing by the court before you actually get separated. So much for that. When parents are into situations like divorce or separation or any other major act that would affect the lives of the entire family, it would be appropriate that the children who be involve in the discussion. No matter how young our children, they still have their feelings and as parents, its our responsible to tell them whats going on. They may not understand it but still they can react and express their feelings.

Yep, you've reeled me in hook, line and sinker on this one Dawn! I'm so enthralled that I need a few minutes to compose myself..... Ok..... You have one smart kid there, let me tell you! Time and time again I'm impressed by the way she looks at life. Age isn't necessarily a driving factor, but maturity level is paramount! Not all 12 year olds could handle full disclosure, but Dearra sure as heck isn't one of the ones that need to be sheltered too much from the realities of a situation by the looks of it! The main thing here is that even "full disclosure" can be appropriately positioned with a child and your own Daughter has proven this to be the case right off the bat. There's no set method here! Number 2 is an absolute given though and I'm glad she bought that one! I know from first hand experience how much damage spouse trashing can do and children are confused enough about coming to grips with divorce as it is without having to be manipulated negatively like this as well! The bottom line is that communication needs to be flowing. The worst thing of all is when families retract into themselves and aren't open with each other. No one wins when that happens.

It depends on why the parents are divorcing. Was one of them unfaithful? People divorce for many different reasons and a 12 yr old can understand a number of them. A lot better than we might've back when we were 12. So, I think that there are reasons you can share with a tweenie or a teen that we might not've been able to understand. Heck, there are times when people get divorces that don't really understand why they are doing it anyway.

I don't think a full disclosure about this is good for the kids because if parents aren't mature enough how much more for the kids? Regardless the age, immaturity will always be a factor. Like for example, now that I'm quite older, my mom actually told me that she felt my dad has an affair. Regardless how old I was, I didn't get it and started getting angry at him and all sorts. It even aggravated the problem so to speak. I don't think whatever soap operas do cannot, in any way, be applied in present situations because these are for entertainment purposes.

I do not believe in trashing th other parent at all. When my son's GF of !@ years threw him from their home as she had fallen in love with someone else it was so catastrophic for him. Their daughter will be 9 this December and is a very well adjusted little girl. Her mother was always praised for being the best mother in the world and she was told that although Mum my and Daddy cared for each other and loved her so very much they did not want to live together. She was 4 and very confused for a while. But that has passed and she s loves the twins and my DIL. all is well now and her parents are friends too. She knows that she can always count on her Daddy to be there for her (and her GM!) My point is that children actually know what is going on in a marriage and when it comes to the fore they are sometimes relieved. It is the anxiety of not knowing the situation that is so stressful to them. They would need to know also how they are being looked after and what the visiting arrangements are etc. Children do sense tension and it bothers them so much.

My Children where 15 and 18 when I got divorced, but not knowing at the time, they had heard a lot specially my son and he said it was about time I got out of it But I suppose you just explain as you can but without all the Details as you say

I am of the mind that the children only need to know what they can handle at the time. A 5 year old will not understand the same things a 19 year old will. Each situation is different. There are no right answers.

When I got a divorce I didn't tell my kids too much..just that we didn't love each other and I never ditzed the low self serving b#stard once. Didn't need to ....they figured it out on their own. I think keeping everyone calm and in as normal of a routine as you can will help with the seperation etc...

That's cool; how you interact with your child. I think kids nowadays are smart, and they can sniff something's amiss with their parents even without them telling something's wrong. The best way is to communicate with them gently, both together, and then one by one. It's definitely not easy, but it's better to make sure they hear the truth from the parents mouth rather than from others or especially from them detecting it by themselves.

I think like Dearra does....kids arent dumb and they can usually see right through all your efforts... I am generally on the side of telling the truth...to a point...you can tell the truth and not tell ALL of the gory details... Just saying it didnt work out is not really much of an explanation after all.

Dearra is a clever girl I see. I do think telling kids the truth is the best thing to do and I agree that how much detail you give them depends on their age and personality and no, trashing the other person is definitely wrong; if you insult a child’s father, for example, you are insulting the child. I know at 12 they think that they are there, they know all there is to know (LOL) In my own family my parents did not divorce but did have severe financial hardships which resulted in the family emigrating to Australia and at the time my mum and dad did not ever make me aware that we did not have any money to even buy food sometimes and I wish they had told me; I don’t mean burden me with financial details but at least explain to me that I did not have many things because we had little money and not because they were just mean! Communication with kids is paramount, keep it age appropriate but be open with them; that’s my opinion.

I'm for telling the truth...within reason. You don't tell a four year old what you'd tell a 12 year old. AND you never try to make it all the other parent's fault. Heck, I was in my thirties and still reeling from some of the things my mother tried to make me believe about my dad. And my dad, as wise as he was...never hid his disgust of my mother from me. It tore me up. In the end, I do think honesty still is the best policy. And above all, respect for the CHILD and his/her feelings. Sure wish my kids ex's could learn this. My grandkids would be much happier.

This is a really tough question, and I don't think it has a universal answer. I think a lot of it depends on the particular situation. Maturity level of the children definitely plays a part, as does not trash talking the other other parent. However, there are some situations that might not be appropriate for the children to know about, but that they might find out about from an outside source, so it is better for them to be explained in a kind and loving environment rather than overhearing hurtful remarks from outsiders. Once such situation that springs to mind is infidelity, especially when the offending partner was not discrete about the affair. The children, especially school-aged children, should have some understanding of the situation before they overhear other kids discussing it on the playground or whatever.

Although I have never been in the situation myself, I have been very close to many who have been through it. I believe that in every situation the FIRST consideration must be the emotional future of the children, and this depends on their having a healthy respect for BOTH parents. The "happiest"(?) divorces or separations I know are ones where the parents are the best of friends. I can't say I understand how they can be best of friends but can't bear to live under the same roof, but it works with a number of couples I know - and their children are happy and well adjusted. Where the parents remain at loggerheads, the children have enormous problems. The truth? Yes, children should be told the truth, but they don't need to know all the tiniest details of the truth. A couple whose first concern is for the children will take time and patience to ensure that what they tell the children is factual but expressed in such a way as to minimise all harm. (I know of two couples who spent long hours determining how to do this - and ended up convincing themselves that things were not as bad as they had thought, talked a bit more, made a few decisions and promises, and decided to keep going - and are now happy again)

By telling the truth in today's society's standards you would be guilty of trashing the other parent. I watched Dr. Phil yesterday and he had this couple on the wife was coerced into embellishing a report of abuse many months after her partner had left the house, he was then convicted of abuse he didn't commit and spent 10 months in jail. After jail he got out and they got back together... How familiar is this story? Wow! So here is the thing, the woman is guilty of the crime of filing a false report it is a felony and she is a liar. It is good that the couple in this particular show didn't have children, but what is wrong with the truth when you do have children. Such a situation as I have been through is so similar except I am a father of two and instead of my wife filing the false report, she only signed a lie but then is guilty of embellishing the truth on a regular basis to the point that the last time we split up it was because of deception... If I remain silent it is like an elephant in the room and no one can talk about it because the children are both old enough and know what happened although they might have questions or be influenced by more lies conjured up by their mother to paint me as a bad man... Talk about getting put out in the cold... But then it seems to be the curse of my family and the bullies that are controlling those that I love and me... As a result I am prevented from being the father and grandson that I am. So what happened to my mail?