My girlfriend spoke to her baby father for three hours !!
By ronnyb
@ronnyb (6113)
Jamaica
October 31, 2009 11:21am CST
Well its official I am dating a woman with a child something that I always vowed never to do .However, I met this young lady and she seemed like a nice person ,in fact I feel that she cared for me more than any of my past girlfriend and so I put aside my former "hang up" and started dating her.We had quite a few things in common in particular her sense of humour ,her sense of independence and her love of good conversation .I was particularly attracted to the fact that she worked for herself and wouldnt be relying on me for any kind of monetary support and wasnt averse to spending her own money when we went out(and believe me that is quite unusual for most other women I went out with ).
There was however one major point on which we didnt see eye to eye and that was how we dealt with our past relationships.I will admit that I am more of a "clean cut ,total sever of ties "kind of guy and that means that I usually prefer to be done with my ex's and leave it at that with little or no further communication .I know that sounds cold but that has always been how I operated because I have always been of the view that if you maintain too close a link with an ex pretty soon you may start to forget why you parted and decide to give it another shot and I dont want that .I must admit though that I will answer their call if they call me .Now my girlfriend believes in maintaining a fairly cordial realtionship with all her ex's with frequent (well not sure if its frequent )and especially her baby father .
Now I am not naive ,I know that she must call here baby father because they have a son together but sometimes I cant help but think that she is still holding on to the notion that they may hook up back even though she keeps on denying it .This belief stems from some other issues that we have but I wouldnt have the space to get into those here suffice it to say though that recently she told me that she spent as much as three hours on the phone talking to him.
What do you think about this situation ? am I just being unreasonable or is this acceptable beahviour and oh sorry for offloading so much of my personal stuf on you ..just wanted to hear honestly if I was overreacting
5 people like this
23 responses
@solared (1207)
• United States
1 Nov 09
While it is good to stay friendly, but it's also dangerous women are emotional and if the ex says something like he want's to make it work and rebuild their family and all that she may just fall for it, I seen it happen many times.
In the US we call them baby daddies....lol
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Nov 09
Thats is my point exactly ,many women secretly hope to rebuild their families and are waiting like you say for the man to decide to settle down and that is why I keep impressing on her to make sure I am waht she wants because I know this to be true.Oh and thanks for the new name baby daddy ...lol
@hwj308 (64)
• China
1 Nov 09
I appreciate your behaviour .
I have no girlfriends ,although dating with women with a child is still being
disagreeded,finding a honest grilfriend is OK,it doesn't matter on the other side,
wow,she is so independent that don't want to just spend your money ,he is a excellent woman ,
I can imagine you always treat her baby well and deal perfectly with the relationship with his former boyfriend! I think you could own much more happiness
if you insist it !!
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
1 Nov 09
I am more like you.Once I Know it is over ,then I forget the guy exists. Unlike you,I never would answer their call,they are through with me ,so forget me completely.I haven't been with a guy who has a child but if I did,I would just remember that I would Always come second, his child comes first.I would assume he Has to talk with the mother. They will always be connected because of the child.If she says she wants to be with you then just try to calm down and take her at her word.She sounds like an honest person.If she gets back with an ex, she will tell you.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
2 Nov 09
You're Welcome . I hope everything works out.Let me know.Ps.if you need to talk , send me a private message.
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Nov 09
Thank you for your answer ,kind words and advice.Happy also to see we share some things in common.You have presented a nice philosophy and I will try to see if I can adopt some parts of it even if its not all.She is nice for all I know and she has said she doesnt want to be with her ex several times ,its just her action is a little worrying but I will try to relax and thank you as always for your kind words.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
31 Oct 09
Hi Ronnyb, I don't think u are being unreasonable at all. Three hours is an awfully long time to spend w/your ex on the phone. I doubt seriously they were talking about the baby all that time. U better give this relationship alot of thought before it goes any futher. I know that sounds bossy but don't want u to get hurt & think u very well could. Take care.
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
31 Oct 09
Thank you Antique ,you have always looked out for my best interest and I appreciate that very much .I believe it wasnt about the child and that annoys me some so I am taking care and proceeding slowly .Thanks a lot Antique and have a great day you are really a greta person.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
1 Nov 09
The fact that your girlfriend’s contact with her ex bothers you is quite normal I think. As other here have said it is important for the child’s sake to have both parents getting along. You mentioned that she was on the phone to her ex for three hours; was this before she met you or after? If it was before there is not much you can say or do but if it happened after you came on the scene I can see why you would be concerned.
There are two ways of looking at this; one could say that if she is friends with her ex she in entitled to have friends and speak to them for as long as she sees fit to do.
The other side of the coin is that three hours is a long time and perhaps out of respect for her current partner she should cut her conversation with her ex down to a minimum.
I would have a talk to her about the situation and explain to her how you feel and perhaps ask her how she would react if the situation was reversed.
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Nov 09
Thank you so much Paula and she did it while were together because she claims she see nothing wrong with it because they are just friends .I know that is her view but I have always felt uneasy about it .I wouldnt stop her from being friend with him but I owuld prefer it was just cordial enough for the childs sake and not hers.Yes I will also ask her about how she would feel if teh situation were reversed .Thank you so much Paula and have a good day
1 person likes this
@beautifulBrooke (191)
• United States
31 Oct 09
Ok, I wasn't going to respond to this, but I thought "what the heck" that's what wer are here for.
I will begin by saying that chatting, texting, blogging in some ways IMO can be the worst means of communications because you can't hear a tone in someone voice or a hint of truth and/or sarcasim.
That being said, I am not in any way trying to be hurtful or a "smart-butt".
However, it sounds as if you want a relationship with as little responsibility as possible.
No children (perferrably), and you also want her to be financially self sustaining. Sounds to me like you don't want a woman "needing" you for anything, so if and when the time comes to exit the relationship you can with a guilt-free conscience and no "ties".
I'm was an independent/ liberating self supporting woman and mother of 3 when my husband got ahold of me.
He too, loves those quailities, then later went on to resent them because he didn't feel needed...
1 person likes this
@akotalagato (1334)
• Philippines
1 Nov 09
in my point of view, the woman you are dating may still have a thing for the father of her child. i could understand if she only wants to be "cordial" with him for the benefit of her son. she could be civil to him and talk to him if he visits her son but its a whole different matter if they talk on the phone for three hours! if they talk that long, then they really must have something to talk about other then their son and they sure do enjoy talking to each other. i wouldnt spend three hours on the phone with my ex-husband just talking about my son. i quick echanged of hi's and hello's would be fine but we wouldnt have anything else to talk about.
so i think it is best that you ask her what the real deal is. if you two are just in the start of dating, it is best to get things out in the open from the start becuase there are serious complications that can affect your future together.
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Nov 09
Well that is my sentiment exactly ,I wouldnt go as far as to say that they are intimate and she has told me that there is nothing going on but I cant help but think that she wants something to happen .its not that she talks to him but for so long and in my view that would be more than just about their son .Thank you for responding to my discussion it was gretaly appreciated
@manong05 (5027)
• Philippines
1 Nov 09
I think that being your girl friend she will automatically break the tie of friendship between her and her child's father or is there a neccesity. I am not aware of all the details in your relationship but certainly you surely have to face this fact that they will continue to be in touch in the future especially for the child too. It maybe difficult to bear sometimes but this is something that can not be done away with.
If you really love each other then this will just be a matter of trust. If something fishy is going on, I'm sure you will sense it anyway.
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Nov 09
Thank you for your answer .It is a reasonable asnwer and one that I have thought about many times .I think I have come to the terms that I need to trust her and I do and I also know that she cant break the bond with her baby father but sometimes I cant help but think that sometimes she overdoes it with her ex's.thanks for your counsel
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
1 Nov 09
I cannot really relate to why she's doing such a thing for I don't have any kids with my ex's. But I know how you must feel if she should talk to him for three hours. I doubt it's all about the 'son' since what can two people talk about for three hours? But, the mere fact that she has mentioned it to you shouldn't be a warning sign of something negative. I mean, you told us from the beginning that she's the 'talking' type of a person and perhaps it was with her attitude of talking alot that led to that conversation to span three hours.
Another point is one major warning sign for one to see if the person is still 'hung up' with the past relationship is when everything they talk about is about their past. If she's not doing that to you, then perhaps it's nothing to worry about.
But still, we cannot in any way know if she's really hung up or not anymore. It's really different, as they say, when there's a kid involved and since you're the type of person who is 'clean cut', perhaps you would never understand her side but time could only tell.
Just take it easy and enjoy the relationship.
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Nov 09
Thanks for understanding .Thanks for pointing out some of the warning signs and I am taking them as such and treading with caution .I will try to be understanding of the differences that exist between us and like you say try to enjoy the relationship inspite of certain nagging beliefs that I have .Thank again
@syankee525 (6261)
• United States
1 Nov 09
well if you get upset you are wrong. because the dude is the baby daddy and no matter what she will have to deal with him until the baby hit 18. and its good that she and her ex can stay on good term for the baby stake.
most of the time most people who are like this are always fighting over dumb things and cant get along at all. so if i was you i would sit back and let it be. specaily if you care for her and the baby.
this is def a good thing she's doing, and its nothing wrong with her keeping it like this as far still talking and keep it real.
my thing if you cant handle it then move on, but i think maybe if you get to know the baby daddy then it would make it easier for you
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Nov 09
Wow coming from a man ,this is incredible maturity that you have show and it is kind of forcing me to be so open minded ,well atleast to a certain extent.You have a point about staying cordial for the childs sake ,I hav eno problem with that ,its just that there is a thin line between being cordial on tha basis and being overly friendly .
I also thank you for your brutal honesty in telling me to move on if I cant handle it and this I may take up but I am not sure about getting to know the baby father as some men are not too enthused about getting to know the man who has replaced them..Thank you though for your advice
@jellymonty (2352)
•
1 Nov 09
Three hours on the phone?? my god she should get a job at call center as a telemarketer as she sounds pretty good at it
On a serious note, I think you should have never violated your "no dating a woman with kids rule"
I'm sorry to say that the kid needs both mum and dad and mum has to stay in contact with dad for the sake of the kid. So you getting upset over her communication with the ex is not helping. This is one problem that will continue to occur and if I was in your shoes I would call it a day... no matter how sweet and lovely she is but when kids that are not yours are involved then you're sure bound to have everlasting problems.
I also have the same rule as you and I've never broken it..
On a serious note, I think you should have never violated your "no dating a woman with kids rule"
I'm sorry to say that the kid needs both mum and dad and mum has to stay in contact with dad for the sake of the kid. So you getting upset over her communication with the ex is not helping. This is one problem that will continue to occur and if I was in your shoes I would call it a day... no matter how sweet and lovely she is but when kids that are not yours are involved then you're sure bound to have everlasting problems.
I also have the same rule as you and I've never broken it..@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Nov 09
I will suggest the call centre job to her and see how she takes it lol.
You have made a good point and like I said I usually dont violate that rule ,its just thatshe struck me at the time as a nice person so I thought to myself that maybe I could give it a chance.You may be right too about this being a problem that will persist and I guess I will always need to have it in the back of my mind that mayeb this wont work.Thank you and have a good day
@lelin1123 (15595)
• Puerto Rico
1 Nov 09
Sorry but three hours on the phone with an ex is totally unacceptable. What the heck were they talking about for three hours. On top of that to tell you she spent all this time on the phone with her ex to me tells me she doesn't care about your feelings. If she continues to talk to her ex that to me means she still has feelings for him. If I were you I would give her an ultimatum, if you continue to have a relationship with your ex its over between us. However, if you can deal with it then you stick it out. Good luck to you.
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Nov 09
Thank you and I think it is unacceptable too.I have raised teh same questions you are as to what they were talking about and the fact that she may still have feeling for him .With regards to if she intentionally menat to hurt me or send me a message ,it possible but it could be that we are always open in our relationship.Thanks for your advice.
@jerimiyah (232)
• Philippines
1 Nov 09
its ok if they are not together. you should talk about it. if u guys are really serious about each other then she has to keep her distance with her ex to a certain level. i hope the baby is not an excuse so that she can talk to him. temptation is more sweeter if you cant have it. so talk it over with her. atleast she will have an idea what you think but say it gently. little talks here and there till you guys get to jist to really talk about the her past.
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Nov 09
Great advice and I have always said I wasnt comfortable with her friendliness with her ex but she maintains thats the way she is and there is nothing between them .I believe that nothing is happening between them for now but I cant help but wonder if she doesnt want something to happen between and soonere or later,if something couldnt happen .Thank you once agian and I will try your approach once more
@yan_blue8 (1437)
• Philippines
1 Nov 09
hi Ronnyb. Good to hear that you are hooked up with your girlfriend though she has a baby!(my dad calls you superhero)lol. I don't think you are over reacting but most commonly, that would be every people's reaction. Three hours i guess is long enough to talk about the baby and nothing but the baby. How long have you been together by the way? Do you trust her that much?I was once in your relationship. I dated a guy before who has a baby with other woman. During our relationship, he always focus on me and make sure that he can't hurt my feelings. But one time, i was surprised that he and his ex met in one place, but letting me know of course (well, maybe so I'm not going to think that he is cheating on me)My first reaction was to go there! Which i did! And they were talking to each other a lot! And i hate it.
I trusted the guy so much when he said "he loves me" and say bad things about her ex. When he begun to fairly see each other (he used to see her ex to give everything for the baby)I was afraid that i might lose him. I don't have an attitude of being friend's with my ex's, but with regards to her maybe she would probably use it as a reason, because of the baby.
Hope you can learn about my story ronny! I wish you luck!
Anyway, i trusted my bf for saying so, though i have a premonition that their relationship will get better. I decided to have a vacation in another city, and when i went back, after 2 weeks, they were already together:)
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Nov 09
Wow sorry to hear about the bad experience that you had with your ex but I guess it was for the best since he was a cheater and if it wasnt with his baby mother it would have probably been with someone else.I will learn from your story and that is why I am always so adamnt about totally breaking off ties with ex's because sometimes if you arent careful you will go back to them.Hope you have better experience in the future and thank you for your kind words
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
31 Oct 09
trust me, staying friendly with your childrens father is THE BEST for the kids..My ex and i had a huge falling out at one point and the kids were the ones who suffered from it..
as for staying friends with exs in general..I always have..I see no reason NOT to..we were friends before dating so wht if things didnt work out intimately...I think you need to have more trust in your gf..if she is telling you that she wants to be with you but still has friendships with her exs but ISNT interested in them 'THAT WAY' then take what she says as truth..Her talking to them isnt the issue IMO, its your lack of trust and belief in her..
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
31 Oct 09
I agree with you when it comes to the part about a good relationship with your ex being good for your kids ,I really do but somehow I still dont think that having a good relationship should take the form of a three hour long phone call.I also admit that I am not sure if I trust her and like you say that may really be the issue but thank you for your honesty
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
2 Nov 09
As with any relationship there is give and take. Your g/f seems to want to talk to the babies father...3 hours is more then just updates on the baby...you have to decide whether you want to continue in the relationship. You can't very well tell her not to speak to him anymore so you're going to have to decide if you trust her enough that she isn't going to go running back to him. I'd take some time and really evaluate the relationship and then decide how much you're going to risk.
[b]!!Happy Turkey Day!!
~~AT PEACE WITHIN~~
**STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS**[/b]
@LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
31 Oct 09
I can't judge her from just hearing your way of looking at it!!! From looking at it out of my eyes, I would think she still has an attachment. Of course she does, they have a son that keeps her from breaking the tie completely!!! It is IMPORTANT to keep a healthy relationship with your child's other parent. IT'S IMPORTANT FOR THE WELL BEING OF THE CHILD!!! Do I think 3 hours is a little lengthy??? Hell YES I do!!! Being a chatterbox myself, it doesn't take long to speak 3 hours with anybody. I'm assuming the 3 hours was before she met you...am I correct??? If the answer is YES, I wouldn't be concerned until she talks with him for 3 hours while I was waiting on her!!! I'm a lot like you in that once a relationship is over....it's freaking over!!! However, my first husband had a daughter that I dearly loved. Once we were divorced, I only contacted him when I missed or had concerns about my step daughter. I had NO feelings left for him. So, the ONLY way he could hurt me was through that child. That he did frequently because it was the ONLY way he had any control over me!!! Having said all that, she may NOT have any feelings for her ex. I firmly believe that what she did before meeting you should NOT be held against her...It's what she does AFTER meeting you that counts!!! Don't be concerned about the 3 hour phone call until she gives you a current reason to be concerned. The past is EXACTLY that & should remain there...IN THE PAST!!!
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
31 Oct 09
Well you have given me a fair enough answer .I can relate to and agree that there is a bond that wont be broken and I have made up my mind to accept that .However it is how its done and she had that concersation while we were together and she does talk a lot when she wants to but it still ocncerns me some .I havent given all the reasons for my doubts and I am not the kind of person to judge her on the past ,its the present and the future I am concerned with.Wow that was mean of you husband to do using a child like that.Thanks so much for your advice
@maygodblessu44 (7336)
• India
8 Dec 09
Hello my friend ronnyb Ji,
Well, I and my hubby would never toerate any member using phones more than 2-3 minutes. Phones are meant for emergency purposes and not for long conversation. I would go with my hubby and discard such affairs. I would suggest, thi smay be the root cause of your difference in opinion. It is natural, that everything can never be good, something bad has to be there in every goodness.
May God bless You and have great time.
@allknowing (137552)
• India
1 Nov 09
This attitude of calling it a day with those one has been friendly with in the past is a bit harsh I think. If you trust this person and you get the vibes that it is going to be a lasting relationship I dont think you should worry too much about it and the fact that she told you that she had a marathon conversation with her baby's father shows that she is honest and also in this case it is required for the sake of the child. What the future holds none can predict but if you have strong reasons to believe in this person you should not see much into her keeping in touch with her ex and in this case her baby's father!!!
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Nov 09
Thank you for your answer and I will respect your beliefs.I will admit that it may be harsh about the way I deal with my ex's but it is more of a protection mechanism than really my intention to be mean.I see what you are saying about the trust part and I am really trying but sometimes she just pushes the envelope a bit with her friendliness with her ex.I will try to be as open and forward thinking as you suggest .Thanks for your answer
