What would you do if your friends don't like your girlfriend/boyfriend?
By beamsey
@beamsey (425)
Philippines
November 1, 2009 11:17am CST
I have a certain dilemma here. I just found out my friends don't like the person I'm going out with. They won't tell me why though. I tried to explain to them that if I knew why, then maybe I could talk to my special someone about it but they still wouldn't tell me. I really don't know what to do. I love this person but I don't want to lose my friends either.
If you were in my situation, what would you do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
3 people like this
23 responses
@KompitaPita (2051)
• Bulgaria
1 Nov 09
Woow. I don't know what I'll do if my friends don't like my boyfriend. If I really like and love the person I am going out whit, than I will be confused...
It's a real dilemma, but I think that I must be careful and to think about the reason why my friends do not like my boyfriend... If my friends don't like him just because I spend more time whit him and don't have time to go out whit a friends - I will prefer my boyfriend.
Our friends do not understand us everytime! Sometimes they can be so egoist!
But if they don't like him becouse something wrong that they know abut him - I will try to find what is the reason.
You better ask your friends what is the reason. If they are your real friends and if they care - they must tell you what is the reason.
@beamsey (425)
• Philippines
1 Nov 09
I know what you mean. Sometimes my friends can be so possessive. Other people have actually joked about me being in a romantic relationship with all of my friends because they can be so demanding at times. Right now, I think it's because I spend more time with my someone. But then again, one of my friends hinted that it wasn't really that so it must be something more. They really don't want to tell me though. It's frustrating.
@beamsey (425)
• Philippines
1 Nov 09
I understand what you're saying. Your English isn't all that bad. :) Thank you for responding to my discussion. My friends are probably just annoyed that my boyfriend's with us most of the time when we go out so they become possessive. But then again, I'm just trying to bring them closer together. I mean, noone wants to be in the middle of things. And of course, I don't want my boyfriend to feel left out or that he needs to prove himself to my friends.
@KompitaPita (2051)
• Bulgaria
1 Nov 09
Honey, everyone have bad sides.
But remember, that peoples can change him self... I know a person, who was really, really bad before and after he found him girlfriend he changes - know I can't believe that it's the same person!
So if you find something wrong about your girlfriend - try to understand her and give her a chance.
Think in that way: You going out whit a gilr, but her friends don't likes you and they start to talk bad things about you... how will you feel at that moment....
Hope you understand me, even I can not yet explain everything that I want to say, because of my low English level.
I wish you luck whit your relationship and hope that everything gonna be OK whit you and your friends and girlfriend....
@corrycrystal (1775)
• Malaysia
2 Nov 09
Hi, Beamsey!
Do they know your boyfriend before you two become a couple? If yes, then they probably know something about him and you do too, but they can't accept it while you can because you're in love with this guy. Therefore, most probably they think they don't owe you any explanation because of that and because you already know. If this is the case, then you should look back and reflect whether this guy has really changed or not.
If they never met your boyfriend before until you introduced him to them, there is no specific reason why they don't like him. They could be judging him based on first impression and dislike him because of his appearance or the way he talk, could be anything, but they won't tell you because it can be sensitive. So, they could just say that they don't like him. If this is the case and you don't want to lose both, go out with them on separate days. Sooner or later when you prove that your love is true, they might change the views on him.
@beamsey (425)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
They didn't know my boyfriend before. They only knew him because I introduced them. They're probably judging him based on the few encounters they've had with him, which isn't very many, as I know they don't like being around him.
I'll try going out with them separately. But I don't expect to manage it for too long since I have my own busy schedule. I prefer to spend time with my boyfriend nowadays since most of the time, my friends just attack me about not spending time with them and about my boyfriend as well. I know they're good friends. They've proven that over the years. I just don't know if they can get over me being with someone they don't like.
Thanks for your response. :)
@corrycrystal (1775)
• Malaysia
2 Nov 09
I understand what you mean. Sometimes, it's hard to divide your time with your friends because you also have your boyfriend to be with. Just would like to know if all of them are girls? Do they have boyfriends?? If they do, then they should understand your situation that you won't be able to spend more time with them like before.
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
2 Nov 09
Hi there . I popped over to your profile first and I see you're 22, so you are a legal adult. I got married when I was 22, and my feeling is that if your friends are good friends, they will continue to love you and ACCEPT your girlfriend or boyfriend REGARDLESS, even if they don't like them. If they get weird about it, they are not good friends, and who needs them anyway.
It is also a red flag to me that they won't tell you why. I don't bend over backwards for other people, so if my friends decided they didn't like my boyfriend or husband, I'd tell them that was their choice, but I would expect them to be decent and civil if they were around us together, and if they couldn't be, then perhaps they could just not be my friend any more.
I am a good deal older than you are and I have a 20 year old step daughter, and she has dealt with this situation before too. I'll tell you the same thing I told her - please yourself. Make decisions and choices that you will not regret. If your friends are not forthcoming with reasons or refuse to be upfront with you, then I would be suspicious. If you love and trust your boyfriend, then follow your heart.
I have noticed that a lot of people truly just bring up things because they are jealous or unhappy themselves. I have a friend whom I have known since I was five - she had a boyfriend once that I REALLY did not like. I did not feel he treated her well at all, but she loved him anyway, so I tried to be supportive to her. She knew I didn't like him but I didn't let that get in the way of our friendship and I WAS civil to him. I'd say tell your friends how it is and let the chips fall where they may. The ones that matter and really love you will stick around. The ones who are only there when the going is good may fall by the wayside, but I wouldn't miss them too much.
My favorite quote from Dr. Seuss - Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
@beamsey (425)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
That quotation from Dr. Seuss just made everything clearer. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. And thank you also for all the things you just said. This afternoon, one of my friends just shared 1 reason as to why they don't like him and it's a trait he has. I won't deny that it sometimes annoys me but it's not a big problem for us as a couple. My friend also emphasized that that one thing wasn't the only one on the list. So apparently, they have a lot of reasons. I totally agree with you about treating him in a civil manner. It's the least they could do for me and my boyfriend. I'd appreciate it more if they could give ALL their reasons but I guess I can't rush things. In time, maybe they'll be more willing to tell me, once my boyfriend and I have been together a bit longer.
I will start to live by what Dr. Seuss just said. He may be just a character in a kid's book but many of the essential things in life are taught when we are kids anyway. Once again, thank you very much. :)
@LovingLife139 (1504)
• United States
2 Nov 09
I had this problem when my husband and I were dating. I seeked their approval on him--although, quite frankly, it didn't matter as I was already in love. Some people say boyfriends come and go but friends are forever, but I view it the other way around...about the "One," anyway. I knew within the first week I wanted to grow old with this man, but I still wanted my friends to like him. For awhile they wouldn't tell me, either, but finally one of my friends said, "He doesn't talk." They thought he was too quiet. The thing was, that was one thing I LOVED about him. He's so quiet and humble, while I am loud and extravagant in social situations. So something they didn't like...simply wasn't an issue.
I'd suggest telling them that you like this guy, and you see nothing wrong with him. If they truly care for you and they are worried that this "something" they don't like could eventually hurt you, they'd tell you. If they do care for you and they aren't telling you...well, it simply doesn't matter. It's trivial. Also, be grateful that they don't have crushes on him...that could certainly break a friendship more than a little dislike.
@beamsey (425)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
I'm still with my boyfriend right now. I have no plans of leaving him just because of this. I just don't know what to do with my friends. It's like they already decided that this guy is bad for me or something. I honestly didn't know there was an issue. It's been more than a year and noone told me anything until now. I'm starting to think my friends are just concerned about themselves than my overall welfare. I understand that maybe they just miss me, but then again, I think I have the right to know the reason behind their dislike for him.
@LovingLife139 (1504)
• United States
2 Nov 09
I'm glad you're not allowing them to come between the two of you. Have you, perhaps, stopped spending a lot of time with your friends since you met your boyfriend to spend time with him? Maybe it is jealousy that is a problem for them, and since it also has to do with your actions, they are more reluctant to tell you.
Right before I met my now husband, I spent nearly every day with my one friend. Afterwards, I was with him everyday, and I could only see her at certain times, etc. She felt left out--rightfully so, since I didn't do well at managing my time. Only if I couldn't do something with him would I call her up. Looking back on it, I definitely should have set aside time with her to avoid the issues. I hope you get everything figured out.
@getbrowser (1708)
• China
1 Nov 09
It is unnecessary to get worried about that. When you have fell in love with your boyfriend, you should have been ready to face such peoblems.
For your friends who don't like your boyfriend, perhaps thay have told you the reason whay they have no interests in your partner. From where I stand, as friends, they should let you know the truth. Of course, if your boyfriend is really an excellent man, I guess there are some misunderstandings between your friends and boyfriend, then you can take some measures to make it clear.
Wish you success!
@neelianoscet (9615)
• Philippines
1 Nov 09
I would defend my boyfriend despite a lot of arguments between friends and they should understand that I am the one who love and i should learn to live with it. As when you love a person you accept all his wholeness including his greatness and defects. Love is undertanding, patience and could be an instrument to make this boring wold feel magical.
@beamsey (425)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
Yes, exactly. I don't want to force my friends to like someone they really don't like. Of course they have their own reasons for not liking him. I just wish they could tell me why. I guess I just have to live with the fact that my boyfriend doesn't please them. As of now, I have no plans of leaving him just because my friends don't like him.
@jaiho2009 (39141)
• Philippines
1 Nov 09
Hello beamsey,
I guess your friends are just playing safe,maybe they know some bad sides of your special someone and they can't tell you about it becoz they know you love that person and they don't want you to think wrong about them.
Or maybe,they just don't like your special someone...simply like that.
It is your duty to know the real reason behind these.
You should know your special someone better,investigate in silence not to hurt your love one and won't make your fiends think that you are feeling bad about them.
@beamsey (425)
• Philippines
1 Nov 09
As far as I know, my boyfriend has had a few slip-ups. I know he's not an angel and he also has done things I wouldn't want him to do again. But according to my friends, these things aren't it. I'm really confused now because I'm totally clueless as to why they don't like him. In any case, if his past transgressions are the reason, I have learned to forgive him. And since I have, why can't they?
@beamsey (425)
• Philippines
1 Nov 09
I'm still seeing this person. I love him. It's been more than a year actually. And my friends just told me recently about how they really felt about all this. They have been hinting at it and trying to say it indirectly but it is only now that they really came out with it.
I agree that they should respect my decision to be with this person. Although, if I were in their position, I wouldn't be able to force myself to like someone if I really don't. The least I could do is tell my friend the reason why I don't like the person he/she's going out with and be civil towards that person.
@bbxe99 (207)
• India
1 Nov 09
. Try to find the reason behind this -- sometimes friends may be right. May be they know something you don't and they are afraid of telling you the truth as you may get annoyed. Go to the friends -- one at a time -- be emotional ( do flashbacks of happy friendly moments or ask for help) -- ask calmly -- don't react suddenly -- listen them fully.
. Talk to your love accordingly -- don't shout on her or don't ask in a manner that you suspect her/him.
.If everything goes well -- Try to arrange a surprise get-together without previous knowledge of both the party or birthday party -- Try to mix them.
.If everything goes wrong -- Be cool,have a deep breath and select with whom your future would be peaceful. Work accordingly.
Best of luck -- everything will be fine
@beamsey (425)
• Philippines
1 Nov 09
Thank you for your advice. I did try talking to them one by one but I didn't get anything. I also tried getting them together but they were like oil and water. They weren't really deliberately ignoring the person, I guess they were just a bit cliquish that time.
@goldenteardrops (747)
• United States
1 Nov 09
a true friend will stand by you no matter what, you like someone that is up to you maybe you see something they do not? Ask your friends if you can talk to them and say now true friends are you? then tell me and help me for they should not keep things from you and stand by you. you would them right?
@mashiuwsan (154)
• Philippines
1 Nov 09
Well, if they really are your friends, they would tell you why they don't like the person you're with in the first place. They would be honest and reasonable enough. And they would be decent enough to at least be civil to your special someone.
@beamsey (425)
• Philippines
1 Nov 09
Maybe they're afraid I'll get mad at them or something? I really don't know. They're civil most of the time. That's a good thing. But there are times that my boyfriend feels he's left out and when I try to make him feel part of the group, my friends think I'm trying to make them feel left out. It's like a tug-of-war.
@bubuth (1815)
• Philippines
13 Oct 12
I think if your friends don't like your special someone, its okay as long as you love the person and he/she is good to you as a partner in life. Your boyfriend don't need to please your friends to like him because you are the one that will be with him and not your friends. But I think if your friends don't like him, maybe they have a good reason. Just try to ask them again. Happy Mylotting..
@BabyGurrl (65)
• United States
15 Oct 12
This is forever late.. lol But it popped up in my similar situations so I'm gonna reply still.. lol. I understand where you're coming from but at the end of the day, you are the one dating your significant other; not your friends!!! I know it is usually pretty common when we find someone we have interest in and we want our friends to like them. But honestly, we are going to date people that our friends will NOT like. They don't have to have any specific reason either.. People just know how they feel. Point, blank, period. But honestly, you should not care so much about what they think of your partner. Just explain to them that you respect their feelings and just don't have your significant other around them as much and even if you all do hang out, tell them they can either deal with it and keep all comments to themselves or just don't hang out with you and your significant other. It's that easy! If I were in your situation, I would not care personally whether my friends liked someone I was dating or not. It has happened before, more than once. But I didn't let it stop me. I would just do separate things with them and never have them all together simply because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable in any type of way. But that's just me and my opinion..
@rogue13xmen13 (14402)
• United States
2 Nov 09
I know how you feel, my family and friends do not like my boyfriend either because they think that he is lazy, but I just ignore them. My boyfriend is good company for me. I am not committing to him right now, I don't know if I will to be honest, but I just love being with him. I could care less what anyone thinks about him because they do not have control over me or my life, only I do. I am 24 years old, and if I cannot make up my mind about guys by now, then there is no hope for at all. I will say this, my boyfriend was a lot better than most of the men that I dated before him. Most of the men that I had dated before my boyfriend had substance abuse problems of some kind, or they had major anger management problems. I did not want any of it. I would rather have lazy than abusive is how I see it. Many of the women in my family have no right to educate me on relationships when not a damn one of them has ever had a great relationship of their own.
You are your own person, no one can tell you how to think or what to do, but know this, if the person you love is abusing you, that is not love. Love does not hurt. If your family doesn't like that person that you are with because they are just down on their luck, meaning they don't have a job or are in a tight spot, then that isn't their business. You are with this person, not your friends or family. If they do not like this person, then that is on them. What matters is you? Do you love this person? Is this who you want to be with? Does this person make you happy? That is all you should care about is how you feel about this person.
@syankee525 (6261)
• United States
2 Nov 09
well they really need to tell you so then maybe everyone can work on it, but if you like this person then your freiends should be happy for you and get along with her for respect to you.
they shouldnt make you pick between them and her. so i would ask them one more time why they dont like her so maybe everyone can work on it and if not then tell them that you would like for them to show her respect for you then
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
6 Nov 09
I don't think if your friend have the right to opposed your relationship with your boyfriend. Since they are only your friend and not your parents?
If you really love that guy and found nothing to worry about of his personally. Why should you listen from them? But try to ask them the reason to let it know if they something about your boyfriend?
@bluray (408)
• Singapore
2 Nov 09
I think friends and girlfriends are two different things.
you should ask your friends to give the genuine answer to their disliking so that you can also consider the fact.you just cant loose your girlfriend for the sake of your friendship.it will better to talk to your friends and find out the real reason.
@joandevil (58)
• Malaysia
2 Nov 09
If I were in your shoes, I probably will headache like you as well. However, sometimes we really cannot do anything about it. Like or dislike is very subjective to personal preference. As long as we think that it is worth to continue on with this boyfriend, and we can bear the consequences. Why bother about other?
@lubeimao (118)
• China
2 Nov 09
If i were you ,i will not worried much about this kind of things .Love is a thing that between you and your parter ,therefore it will not necessary for you to worried too much.If they are your real friends they shoud tell you why ,at least reming of you .Another reason is maybe they know so little about your parter ,so they misundertand the something.If you really care about this kind of things maybe you can ask one of your friend the reason.Wish you get rid of the worried.