Do you consider it cheating....?
By natmo_10
@natmo_10 (25)
United States
November 9, 2009 2:38pm CST
Im in a relationship of 2.5 years now and love my boyfriend dearly. We have fun together and get along great all the time when we are not at odds with each other. The only reason we do have conflict is because of possibly my own insecurities...but then again is it?? I met my boyfriend on a social networking site, had a date and hit it off, so needless to say 2.5 years later we are still together and living with each other for a year. Before we made the move, I mentioned that I understand he has female friends, especially those he had before me, but I won't, can't, absolutely will not tolerate female friends after me!! I don't care if he is on these sites chatting up with the next woman, but DO NOT exchange phone numbers. Well within this past year, there have been 3 instances where I have found unacceptable behavior. Let me also say that he has multiple sites he is a memeber to...you name it, he is probably a member, including those of adult nature!!! The first instance I found a pic of his ' man member' posted on his adult site (how you wonder I found out - I retreived his user name and password). The 2nd instance I seen that he was chatting with a female and that he pretty much told her that he was scooping her out one day at a particular spot he frequents on Sundays. Pretty much told her what she had on and then went on to describe what he had on that day...his excuse to me for that was he was trying to make her feel good because he received a birthday alert on that site for her birthday. This most recent instance, well we both changed phone service providers, which is under my name, with this service provider, which is a world wide, well known company, they offer tracking features for your account. So being that I'm already leary of the previous two instances and having my doubts, I have been checking his phone records, pretty much unbeknownst to him. I have asked him about various phone numbers, while actually going thru his phone and he told me how the person is and always says it's nothing. I do know that these phone numbers are new numbers he has acquired in the past few months. Well he made a phone call to a female one early morning, practically 15 mins after me leaving the house for work. He made a call and she called him back.....well I went off, pretty much ripped him a new one, called him a liar, cheater and deceiver and that I am contemplating leaving the relationship because I feel he will never change and give his all in this relationship. So what do you think, is it cheating, as I don't have any evidence of things going physical? Do you think I should take a break from the relationship or completely end it? Any experience of your own that may provide insight????
2 people like this
14 responses
@lyzabelle (1668)
• Philippines
10 Nov 09
That's one thing I don't understand about men.
They do some things tat can hurt their female partners.
But if you do the same to them they will get angry. It's
like a one way ticket. No give and take.
@natmo_10 (25)
• United States
10 Nov 09
That is so true! Can't take it don't dish it. I've experienced it myself where I seen a bit of jealousy come from my current. I found out that he listens very intently to my conversations and if something intrigues him, he questions it...I found it very funny!!!
@UCantSeeMe (116)
• United States
10 Nov 09
sounds to me like you cant trust anybody, overprotective, and really self conscious. It is probably your behavior that is driving him away in the first place. Personally it sounds to me like you both should break it off to save your selves the humiliation of a bad break later.
I personally would never date a person that was so insecure that i could no longer gain new friens or feel that i cant talk to other people. you should be lucky that he doesnt sue you for illegaly gaining access to what ever account you gained access to.
I hate to say it but there is no way that you love this person lust is probably the correct form. You cant have love without trust and its your lack of trust that more then likely made him do the things he has been doing.
@natmo_10 (25)
• United States
10 Nov 09
Honestly, I feel that alot of females and males (whichever you are) would agree with me! If it is my behavior that's pushing him away then he started it, action causes reaction!! I demand respect, I don't tolerate being lied to! If I feel like its him making unnecessary conversation with women in an inappropriate manner is too much for me, then so be it, he can definitely go and try to find the next female who will put up with the bull****, which I believe that would be a task all in itself! And if he is ever so successful, then just imagine the ish he would do to her, all for what to hold onto a man! Life is too short for that and in this day in age, you can't take nothing for granted!!! If I want a man to give me his all and give me the things I need, I'm entitled and very deserved!!! As the old saying goes, what one won't do, the next one will!!!!!
@triplejazzm51 (1373)
• Philippines
10 Nov 09
I think that is normal for a person with a partner who is like your boyfriend. Living a life full of suspicions and lies is very hard and stressful. If i were you i will not allow him to make my life miserable. Life is so precious and living it the way you live would make life a waste. Why dont you leave him and regain your peace of mind. We dont really need men in life. Dont make yourself suffer.
@Stryker1005 (34)
• Philippines
10 Nov 09
No need for evidence. Damned with those alibis. His actions speak louder than proofs! Talk to him straight and tell him frankly that you can't just ignore him doing all these games of deception. If he really cares for you, his focus must be on you and not on those sites where he can chat and expose his manhood. If he can't change his actions, leave him. Maybe he doesn't love you after all, find a better man who can devote his attention and pamper you all the love you need.
@Pingfanderen11 (222)
• China
10 Nov 09
emotion in lovers is complex,difficult to decide the ways to continue or give up!
i feel that sometimes you are really insecurities,you don't believe in yor boyfriend,the more to communicate,the more care and appogize and forgive,it will be fine
@mylakshya (57)
• India
10 Nov 09
First,Don't try to break the relationship quickly.Think before,what to do.Think after,What you have done.He is with you for several years.so you know him.
Explain him How much you love him.What you have done for him.Love is the only weapon in the world which help you solve any relation related problem.
But if you not able to bring changes to him,it will create lots of problem to your future life.Wish you all the best.
@DJfrOKI (251)
• United States
10 Nov 09
End it now!!! You definitely don't trust him. And you can't be a mature woman enough to accept if he makes female friends after you? WOW!!! Selfish, shallow, insecure, immature and jealous come to mind. Is he allowed to say hello to female co-workers? I don't know how old you are but you need to grow up.
Now I'm not saying this because I think you are completely wrong. He does need to cut back with the outward approaches. However, you need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. If he is going elsewhere for something else, could that mean that he isn't getting it from you? Even if it is little compliments or anything else that might seem trivial to you might seem important to him that he gets from other women. Also, if he is a dog, he won't change.
I won't go on and on with this because I believe there isn't any trust in your relationship. And when there is no trust, there is no truth. Quick example. I went out a few years ago to a gentleman's bar and got this girl's number. I put it in my computer room. My wife found it and asked whose it was. I told her the truth and that was that. She trusts me and I trust her. My life is complete with her and I have absolute trust with her, even if she goes out with guys on her own.
So after you get rid of him, you need to change. if you don't, you will never find the right guy or be in any long term relationship. If you need anymore advice on how my wife and I have done it, just add me as a friend and I'll give you my e-mail. I know and understand both sides of love. I've been there. Maybe that's what you need. Take care.
@babyania (161)
• Philippines
10 Nov 09
okay. your situation is kinda hard,
first, don't end your relationship right away. remember that you don't have any evidence that he's cheating on you. you just might regret it in the future.
you can try to take a break from your relationship, why don't you try to have a heart to heart conversation with him? explain what you feel to your boyfriend. tell him the truth that you don't really understand that he has female friends and that it is okay with you if he's chatting with other woman but it's different if they exchange phone numbers. tell him that it's painful for you when he's doing those things.
now if he said he will change, then congrats.
but if his reaction was something like he said you're too possesive or insecure, then i think it is the time to end your relationship. . he's not yet ready for commitment and he loves to do what singles often do.
remember that if he really does love you, then he won't do things he knows that can hurt you...
@shell2784 (752)
• United States
10 Nov 09
Do you really think you need to post this? You know exactly how you feel and what you should do... you just know that its going to be painful and hard and are looking for an easier way out (and I don't mean that meanly... I know exactly how you feel.)
Whether he ever understood your reasoning for not wanting himt o have new female friends... he agreed to it. So that's promise number one broken. As far as social networking sites... my husband (who I haven't even been with as long as you and your boyfriend... but I've been here before) and I both have our own sites, etc... but nothing that we know will hurt one another. And if he would ever post his "member" anywhere... he'd be finding a new home and paying me alamony.
Bottom line tho... if he's sneeking around behind your back, if you feel the need to track him, check his email or anything else... its all ready too late. You lost your trust for him, and it sounds like in good reasoning... but don't continue to be sneaky yourself. I made that mistake a few times with one guy who was running around behind my back with his ex wife. I tapped into his myspace and email and found all this stuff... and I'd even ask about it... but I'd lie as to how I got in. Then one day we were fighting about him boinking the ex and me finding out about everything and I thought "Hmm.. what makes me any better than he is? We're both being sneaky and lieing, etc" So I screamed at the top of my lungs " I KNOW YOU"RE EFFING 'so in so' BECAUSE I KNOW ALL YOUR PASSWORDS AND I'VE BEEN READING EVERYTHING! NOW WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT? I'M NOT LIEING ANYMORE... ARE YOU GOING TO?" And his crappy response was something like "huh? you have.... f*ck"
Oka (sorry I seem to be ranting a lot tonight). My advice, dump him. As I said... you all ready have all these suspisions and have lost your trust in him. I decided any time a man made me feel the need to snoop to see what he's been up to, its a red flag and I'm not going any further. You've put up with this for al ong time, and for what? To get lied to over and over again. Whether its physical or not, anymore its cheating. If he was talking dirty to girls face to face via text or IMing... would it bother you as much or even more? Its still "going to where he shouldn't be" whether its with his words, his hand or his 'member'. Run now while you still have enough strength... if not, you'll be posting this same exact post for God only knows how long b/c you decided to give him "one more chance".
Good luck sweetie. Its NOT going to be easy. Feel free to email me anytime.
@eurekafemme (5876)
• Philippines
10 Nov 09
Hello, natmo. I can only sympathize... For me, he is cheating on you. though it has nothing to do with being physical yet,but the fact that you clearly told him you despise that sort of "engagement" and still keeps on doing it behind your back is also a form of cheating. If that guy truly cares about your relationship, he would do his best to lay away from temptations even if it is going to be very difficult for him. This guy cares nothing but himself... If he can't compromise with you in this situation, get out of the relationship and start anew... No point to stay there and waste your time over a guy who couldn't tame that "thing between his legs" and creeping on to his head. Seriously, you'll be finding yourself running in circles. I've been there once.:-) Have a good and happy life.:-)
@buping (952)
• China
10 Nov 09
hi natmo, i was in the same situation with you one year ago, first i did not have the proof to prove him cheated on me, later i found one text message that he said to another girl that he loved him, i crashed at that time, so broke up with him. but you do not have his cheating proof, since you love him, and you should talk with him once.
@leannbrockett191988 (16)
• United States
10 Nov 09
Well not really if you don't have any evidence but it kinda is because of the behavior he is having with these females even though if it is just on the internet. Well I have had plenty of experience with this and I told him that if he didn't stop the nonsense that it was over. I think that you should take a break and see what happens and when you back to him see if he is still the same way and if so i would break up with him and tell him that you don't need this and that you deserve better if he has to go to someone else to get it then you are not enough and you don't need it. well i hope that i have helped you out on this.
@hithankumar (15)
• India
10 Nov 09
its not cheating but possesieveness is also not good if it affects your lover..you have to let you lover know that he is free always and that you trust in him a lot
