Is my concious too heavy?
@MissKatPegasus (155)
United States
November 10, 2009 2:43pm CST
I have recently (June 22) started dating the most wonderful man I have ever dated in my life. He calms me down (I have an anxiety problem) and makes it so I can sleep at night. He has been having a heck of a time finding a job though and his roommate just recently kicked everyone out of his house with a week's notice and foreclosed the house they were living in so he could move from Michigan to Tennessee to live with his girlfriend. So I had to mad dash to find him somewhere to live. My roommate didn't want him moving in because there's no where to work walking distance from our condo. Thankfully my sister said another roommate would be fine to lower the rent and such. Unfortunately I'm the one paying his rent right now and his phone bill and pretty much whatever else he needs. I feel so bad that I can't provide for him better but my paycheck wasn't meant for 2 peple to live off of.
So here's my problem: today he tells me that he need $40 to take his GED test so it's easier for him to get a job. I have to decided whether I'm going to eat this week or if he's going to take him test. I told him he's going to have to wait until I get paid again.
One other thing I think is worth mentioning is that I have had one thing after another go wrong. My car exploded recently, my new car's brakelines rotted through, I broke my phone, and had a flat tire last week. I feel like it's one thing after another. Is my anxiety warrented or do I need to cool down?
3 people like this
14 responses
@rg0205 (2636)
• Hong Kong
11 Nov 09
I can understand why you'd be anxious and stressed out.
Well, it is normal for couples to want to help eachother but I must say, it seems like you're the one who is carrying to much weight in the relationship. I think your boyfriend should put more effort in helping himself. I think he shouldn't depend too much on you. Your anxiety is warranted but I think you need to calm down. Being edgy doesn't help you at all.
1 person likes this
@rg0205 (2636)
• Hong Kong
11 Nov 09
I tend to worry and think too much so yes, I do yoga apart from the other stuff I do to work out (running, weights). You should try it. It does help me calm myself. There are some resources on the net that teaches free breathing and stretching positions.
1 person likes this
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
12 Nov 09
I'm in an aerobics class currently and I think it would a million times worse if I wasn't. I feel like I have a lot more positive energy when I work out but it takes a lot of will power to go and do it.
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
11 Nov 09
You know I feel like crap every time I get anxious. My body starts to ache and I feel like I have the flu. I need to take a yoga class or something lol
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
11 Nov 09
Are there any immediate family members whom can help you to tide through while you get everything sorted? I think if I were you, I'd be worried too, but I'll try to look for some sources first. As for that $40, can he borrow his friend or something, and you need to tell him that you need the money to eat for the week. If anything, I think money for food is more important.
1 person likes this
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
11 Nov 09
He just moved from Michigan to Canton Ohio. I don't think they would send him money anyway because they're all kids our age trying to struggle through life. He can wait, I told him he's going to have to.
2 people like this
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
13 Nov 09
Thanks he has an interview today, let's hope for the best.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
11 Nov 09
I would be pretty stressed also. It is warranted but it is not going to help you. I don't think you are going to like my answer but I'm going to tell you anyway. You say that you recently started dating this man. I don't think it is up to you to pay for all his upkeep. I think it is very nice of you but still....not your responsibility. It sounds as if you have your own things to take care of and that paying for his stuff is dragging you down. Is he ever going to be in a position to pay you back and if so ....will he? I don't know....I would not reccomend paying his way as you are.
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
11 Nov 09
I have a mental date in which I am completely cutting the apron strings. If he doesn't have his act together by then I'm done. I'm just giving him the chance that no one else gave him.
@Canellita (12029)
• United States
11 Nov 09
Well yes it is warranted but you definitely need to calm down so that you don't get overwhelmed by all this stuff going on. Where is your BF's family? Your sister is willing to help out, why can't he ask his parents, brother, uncle or cousin for the $40?
It's one thing to be a supportive partner and another to carry the load for someone who is not doing enough for himself. He could make $40 panhandling on the street. He could sweep someone's store or wash dishes or any number of things for money and get paid cash on the spot.
I know you want to be helpful because you care but you can also enable him. You are not rich and you when you have to choose between giving him a measly $40 and having food to eat it is not the time to be his or anyone else's ATM. You have to have your car to get around because there is no such thing as reliable transportation otherwise.
As for him finding a job within walking distance that is a load of crap. People walk for miles where they have to if it is a question of their survival. Tell this guy to get off his duff and handle his business.
1 person likes this
@Canellita (12029)
• United States
12 Nov 09
You're no go to anyone else unless you take care of yourself first. Listen to him and get with a counselor to work on those issues of anxiety and so forth. What could you possibly need to feel guilty for? Things like this will damage your relationship if not handled.
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
11 Nov 09
Walking distance for him is like 5-7 miles one way. He's definitely not lazy but I think you're right. His family is in Michigan and they don't really have much money either. He wants me to take care of myself before I take care of him, I have a guilt complex which I think is my biggest problem.
@rosepedal64 (4188)
• United States
10 Nov 09
I think that you do need to cool down alot. I know that you care about your boyfriend but he needs to help support you a little too. Have him to check out everything that he can to get that job. Maybe he could even go to a place that is working on some type of construction and see if they could use a little extra help. I know that times are bad but you have to give a lot and always check back with the places that he has put in applications. If you tell him all of this and he gets mad, then it might be that you are getting used. Just be careful. Have a great day and keep smiling. Oh yes let me know how it turns out for you.
1 person likes this
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
10 Nov 09
Oh he's not using me. He takes everything I tell him seriously (thank God) I have him call every place he's applied to a week later. He just moved there a week ago so he's only called one place and apparently they were extremely rude to him which I think put him off a bit. Thanks for your concern, hopefully things work out but it's been a rough couple of months. I know I'm ready to spend my life with him solely because of the lsat couple months and how he's supported me emotionally.
1 person likes this
@rosepedal64 (4188)
• United States
11 Nov 09
Im real glad to hear that he has been given you some support even if right now that is emotional support. That means alot. I wish him the best on trying to find a job real soon. I will keep my fingers crossed for him and all. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@ybong007 (6643)
• Philippines
11 Nov 09
From the way i see it, your boyfriend will cause you more anxiety the longer you two get involved. You need to calm and you have to realize that it should be you who should be in control and not depend on other people, what if you two break up? you could get wrecked. Just take a deep breath and relax, life is not that bad. Cheers!
1 person likes this
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
11 Nov 09
You're right, it's not that bad :) Some days are just a heck of a lot worse than others
1 person likes this
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
11 Nov 09
MissKatPegasus,
IMO your anxieties are understandable and that you should not be overly conscious about it. Let's face it, we all have our tough periods and yours is just overwhelming with so many things happening all at the same time. On top of that, you are also coping with your IBD and anxieties.
I just feel that your boyfriend should be a little more organized and in perspective here. I am sure he is aware that you are only earning a meager salary and that you are already helping with his rent money. The least he could do was to find a job and start organizing his life again. I am sorry but $40 isn't a big amount to ask from any of his friends and I just do not think that it is fair for him to ask you for it.
As for you, I would advise that you prioritize money for your medical condition and needs first. Don't stretch yourself unnecessarily, and I think your anxieties will wreak havoc once you are all tied up. Your boyfriend should be more mature and understanding, so talk some sense into him.
Take care and hope your day is better today.
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
11 Nov 09
MissKatPegasus,
I am glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself and let me assure you that it is the right thing to do.
You just need to take care of the necessary and let things work out for himself in his own ways. You need not go soft with yourself as you have enough problems of your own. I hope that the insurance will be paying for your car.
Just remember that you are not the only one going through tough times and do remind yourself that:
Tough time don't last,
But Tough people do.
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
11 Nov 09
He understood when I called him. Technically I can afford to pay for it, I just have been putting a meager amount of money in my savings so I have emergency money to fall back on. He really wants a job and he's been walking all over Canton looking for one. Just seems like a never ending process.
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
11 Nov 09
Nah my insurance isn't paying anything to have my car fixed :( I hope that things improve because I know that right now I am the budget queen and it seems that I've been able to make this work even if it's temporary. I think this sitation has really made me grow up fast.
@cupkitties (7421)
• United States
11 Nov 09
There are programs that will allow him to get a GED for free. I would suggest he look them up and while it is nice to be helpful you never never never pay everything for a man you are not married to. They will take advantage of this.
1 person likes this
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
11 Nov 09
I will have him look it up. I can't see why there wouldn't be. I only pay for the basics and I made him sign a contract saying he would pay me back. I'm not that stupid. I don't want to never see that money again.
1 person likes this
@maezee (41988)
• United States
10 Nov 09
No, I can certainly understand why you would be anxious. I would try to mentally cool down (because nothing ever seems to get done when we're hyperventilating, right?) - and be empathetic, but don't throw the little money you have away on him getting his GED. If anything, offer to pay HALF if he can front the other half. This is just tough love - not to mention, if you're struggling to pay for groceries and daily necessities..It's not fair for him to assume that you'll pay for HIS test. I understand that he doesn't have a job, but there must be some way to make $40. Mow a couple lawns. Donate your blood at the plasma center. Spend 4 months on MyLot. There IS money to be made, you just need to look for it! (Or: HE just needs to look for it). Bottom line? Even the people who bring light to our lives can cause us trouble - it doesn't mean you're not meant to be together or anything. It just means that.. you have a hurdle to jump, and that you need to better understand each other and communicate about this kind of stuff. You have obligations that supersede his: groceries, car repair, utilities, and so on. Either he needs to wait until it's right for you and for you to be in a better financial place or he needs to toughen up and pay for HIS OWN GED test. That makes sense to me. But then again, I'm a big advocate of tough love.
1 person likes this
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
11 Nov 09
Yeah I know he needs to find some way to ged his GED. It's just so much easier when I pay for it but I've been trying to cut apron strings and making him do things on his own. I just don't think either of us was ready to grow up when we did (19).
1 person likes this
@EnglishTeaDuck (862)
• United States
11 Nov 09
Is he on unemployment? Because if he is he should be at least paying for something. I know its a small amount (I am currently on it!) but within a couple of weeks he could probably have his $40 saved. And has he looked into opportunities for training which are available to him because he is unemployed?
None of us can judge the situation as well as you as we don't know either of you, I'm sure hes a genuine guy just going through a bad time (and as I said, I was laid off and am struggling too so I understand that). But, however close you are, ultimately you are not responsible for his whole life. If you have a choice between buying yourself food and paying your bills, and paying for something he needs, you need to take care of yourself.
Yes, you might worry about your relationship if you don't pay for things, but you could equally end up damaging your relationship because you end up feeling resentful that you cannot take care of your own expenses while meeting his.
I hope it works out for both of you.
1 person likes this
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
11 Nov 09
Thanks, I called him last night and he assured me that I was much more important to take care of than his GED. I have Crohn's disease so I have to stick to a schedule. Idk if he can get unemployment because he's only been in Ohio for a few weeks. I'll have to have him check into it. It's better than nothing.
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@huiyi0904 (17)
• China
11 Nov 09
Life is colourfull, please enjoyu it. All the thing that happened is because you are in an anxious state, just calm down and enjoy the life. If you couldn't calm down in you house, you could go for travel, it is always a good way to release.
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
11 Nov 09
I love to travel, I had a little staycation planned but my boss needed me to work so I don't get a vacation until January. Oh well.
1 person likes this
@indiexsublime (64)
• United States
10 Nov 09
It sounds like it's been a pretty stressful time for you. While it'd be understandable to be anxious about the situation, do take a breather and cool off.
To start, use public transportation. That'll help you out with car troubles, save you money on repairs and gas, and it's better for the environment (what a plus, right?)
As for the boyfriend, I've been in a similar situation as his. With unemployment as bad as it is, there isn't much room to be picky, so as long as the job isn't a danger to his health, he needs to look into it. Tell him to look for something temporary first, and once he's made a little money and taken his GED, he can start looking for something better. At that point, he can be a little more picky.
You did right by telling him he needed to wait though. You need to eat. The GED test will still be there next paycheck.
Just be patient and things will resolve.
1 person likes this
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
11 Nov 09
I really hope you're right. I wish I could take public transportation to work but the bus got drastically cut out where I live and they don't have a stop anywhere near my house or my office. Thanks for the advice though. Just has been a very stressful time.
1 person likes this
@petertam52 (8)
• United States
11 Nov 09
I still remenbered a woman in city college taking the same speech class as I did told me about her experience with her boy friend. She stressed herself quite a bit when she said he used her credit cards, and she had to repaid all the money he spent. They are no longer a pair. She must have regretted it, but she can't do anything about that now.
PCT
http://ForThePeople1.BlogSpot.com
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@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
11 Nov 09
He doesn't touch my money or my cards. I handle all that. I wouldn't let it get that out of hand.
@soybeans612 (122)
• United States
11 Nov 09
I think you need to prioritize what's important to you before you put into consideration what he needs. I understand that he wants to find a job and yes, if he had his GED it would be much easier for him to get employed, but considering you're paying his part of the rent, as well as his bills... that $40 seems like a huge amount, only because a lot of your money seems to be going elsewhere from where it went before he moved in. I think you need to just take care of what's important first. But also, since you said he's a wonderful guy, if you give him the $40 now, then hopefully after he takes the tests and does well, he can get a job and be able to help out. So, that $40 sounds like a lot now but in the end it might definitely help you both for the best. But your anxiety is definitely warranted. It's difficult taking care of ours financially because you have to be more consciously aware of what you decide to put money towards, and a lot of times you have to make sacrifices, like in your case, be able to eat or be able to help him pay for his test. But it's definitely a hard position to be in, and I hope it works out for you guys.
1 person likes this
@MissKatPegasus (155)
• United States
11 Nov 09
Thanks appreciate your kind words. I can't wait for him to get a job and neither can he. He is so excited to finally take me on a date and pay for it all. I have been trying to do things that relax me but it doesn't seem to help. It will be nice when he starts paying the bills.
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