I'm Fed Up... It's Crap from my Ex!!
By jennybianca
@jennybianca (12912)
Australia
November 21, 2009 12:25am CST
My husband and separated about one month ago. Domestic Violence was one of the main issues.
I expressed a wish to have an amicable separation. Do you think he is capable of this?
No, the crap that is coming from him is really getting to me.
We have to organise who gets what; fridge, bed, heaps of stuff.
These are some examples:
I send him text messages... 90% he doesnt reply to.
He sends me the rare text message, which natually Im expected to reply to quickly... example the other day.." Get my gear together and put it in the spare room"!
As he hasn't replied to text messages re the blankets of mine he has, the money he owes me for water & electricity, I send this via email to his work. He doesnt reply.
He sends text regarding pick up dates. I reply via email (cant get all that in text messages).
I receive a few texts re the camera is his; the computer is half his, etc. My credit on mobile runs out. I give up on texting him. Send emails instead.
He sends email saying I sent him wrong dates (rubbish). I reply with more dates, repeated requests for a time plan on when he is going to pay me electricity bill.
He says we need mediation re. belongings in the house. I agree (even though I thinks its silly to mediate over the toaster, etc).
He sends email saying that if Im not available on date for pick up of his gear, he will have the police there to watch so that I cant claim he stole anything (this is the date I gave him saying it was good for me).
He sends email saying mediation is arranged & that I will get letter. He wont tell me the date. I send email asking for date, as I have to book my daughters Xrays, etc. He wont reply.
He sends email saying I am not allowed to send emails to his work address any more. In this email he has dates for pick up of gear. Says I have to text him re.this. I refuse, as I havent bought credits yet. I reply to this ban on emails (via email) explaining about credits & texts.
Today, I send text from my daughters phone saying he is welcome to ring me at home re dastes for pick up, mediation date, etc. No phone call yet.
Is this paranoia or what? Is this my ex hubby trying to control all communication (ie, his way, which is texts of his choosing)? Is this my ex hubby trying to set me up as being difficult? Is this how perpetuators of domestic violence act when they cant acknowlege guilt?
Im fed up. It's crap.
7 people like this
16 responses
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
21 Nov 09
I know you aren't in the US, so I don't know all the rules and what not regarding communication. Unless his company has a policy about not receiving personal emails at work through their work address or he has filed some kind of legal action, he shouldn't be able to tell you how to communicate with him.
My opinion is that he thinks that you can't/won't keep all of the texts he is sending him so when it comes down to going to court, ect its your word against his. He is probably keeping all the texts, so that makes him look like the good guy. I would print out all of the emails has has sent you and find out if your phone provider can get you a copy of all texts that he has sent to your phone & you have sent to him, just in case. You should also be documenting all this in a notebook - when he contacted you, what about, how the situation was handled.
As far as him coming into the house, does he still have the legal right to enter your house? Even if you are going to be home, I would personally have the police there monitoring the situation since you split over domestic violence issues.
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
21 Nov 09
I have kept all copies of my texts, his texts and both our emails.
He can only enter my houye if I give him permission to collect his belongings.
2 people like this
@umer5222 (724)
• Cyprus
21 Nov 09
I think he is fed-up, That,s why he is doing these things, there is also possibility that you made him rock, may be he is frightened from you, may be you done wrong things with him in past,which effected his mind rude, i don,nt know details, but now it is good that you want to talk him, You need to ask if any your mistake, or his mistake, you should have conclusion, 2 options, live with him, or leave him, it depends on you how you tackle him
3 people like this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
21 Nov 09
I have already separated from him. WE have tried counselling before, but it didnt really improve his communication.
No doubt I did make him "rock", as I wouldnt do what he told me to.
1 person likes this
@aseretdd (13730)
• Philippines
22 Nov 09
Seem like your ex cannot accept the fact that the two of you are over... and it is his fault... that is why he is giving you a hard time... if i had and ex like that... i would simply just give him everything that he wants just to finally get rid of him... that way there will be less headache when it comes to those things... and that will send him the message that you really want him out of your life...
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
22 Nov 09
Hmmm, well, you have a good point. I am thinkiong of offering him a cash payout to get him to move on with things, but my suspocion is that he would want a "large" payout, which he is not getting from me, because he doesnt deserve it.
2 people like this
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
21 Nov 09
jennybianca,
Amidst of all the emails and texting, I am wondering if the use solicitors be a better advocate especially since your ex is being a violent person.
I feel that you will be better off with the lawyers doing the paperwork and finalizing of dates. As you can see your current efforts coming to naughts and frustrating you at the end of the day.
Also, since filing is mandatory, engaging a lawyer will safe you all the hassles and hazards of serving the papers to your ex direct.
Take care.
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
21 Nov 09
Yes, filing is mandatory, but both of us are trying to save lawyers fees by doing as much ourselves as possible.
2 people like this
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
22 Nov 09
jennybianca,
Saving the lawyer fee and have the possibility of being thrashed?
I don't think so since he is potentially violent, besides he seems to be giving you the asking for it - you may want to charge your legal fees to him.
Whatever it is, I just do not see you getting anywhere at where you are.
Take care.
1 person likes this
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
22 Nov 09
Before I continue comment in your discussion jennybianca. I want to say that I am sympathize on what your husband did onto you. He's really an inhuman person. Because after all what your trying to love him. He did wrong onto you. Your a victim of that domestic violence and should have the legal right to protect from the law.
just report that to the police, my friend. So, that they give lesson to your husband actions in threatening you.
I think threat he is continuation of domestic violence he di unto you when you are each other then...Be strong in that trials you face, my friend. I wish you do something for your good...Have a nice day!
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
23 Nov 09
I did report one incident of domestic vilence to the police. The emotional & verbal violence is not really a reportable incident, except to my Doctor.
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
23 Nov 09
Get those reports from the doctor to include in your report to the police as added evidence and strengthen your report that can be useful in cases your husband threatening you again then pursue the case against him to give him a lesson for not doing again. Because that happen will affect your entire life due to that sufferings...
2 people like this
@SammyInsanity (20)
• United States
21 Nov 09
Give him a dose of his own medicine!
When he texts you, don't reply.
:)
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
21 Nov 09
Exactly. Course, then he will tell everyone that Im not cooperating.
@raiyandhaka (634)
• India
21 Nov 09
if you don't know how to give him treatment and course of medicine, you may learn some tricks and way of dose from SammyInsanty. i guess she know better then many people and better then you, as she are experienced on it.LOL. Sammy !! don't be mad on me, i just fun.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
21 Nov 09
Think I better look up her profile then.
1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
21 Nov 09
It sounds like he just wants to make your life miserable. I would get his things together and have them ready whenever he does get there. He still wants to control things.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
21 Nov 09
He very much wants to control the situation. Last night he did ring and said he is brining someone with him when he comes to collect his gear. He wont tell me who. I replied that I didnt want any members of his family here who are not talking to me. That would be very uncomfortable. He hung up on me.
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
21 Nov 09
Yes it is he is taking control and he knows it makes you angry when he does not reply
When I separated from my Ex Husband 7 years ago for 6 months he was making my Life H*ll with threats, calls, and all sorts, I already had my Illness then and it was making me very sick, but in the end I fought him all the way no matter what as he had controlled my Life long enough, the Physical, verbal and mental abuse was not going to happen any more
Your Husband is trying to prove to you that he still has control and it will be his way or none at all I suggest you involve a Solicitor as I did in the end, within a year of separation I was divorced
I really hope you can get through this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
21 Nov 09
Your words are exactly correct... "it will be his way or none at all".
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160713)
• United States
22 Nov 09
It is a control issue. That is part of where domestic violence comes from. It is a need to control everyone in their vicinity. What does your daughter need x rays for? I do not blame you for feeling fed up totally.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
22 Nov 09
Yes, I can see the relationshiop betwen control and domestic violence. When I think back, it was gradually buiolding over the years.
My daughter needs xrays for her back. They think she has scoliosis, and maybe Sheumans disease, plus hypermobility syndrome.
1 person likes this
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
23 Nov 09
What I read, he's acting like a small kid. At the same time he's trying to control the situation. I wonder if you can contact your lawyer and explain to him/her of this. He's not being civilized at all. If you were married for 10 years or more, you can get half of everything of his, and that includes his retirement from his job. What he gave you over the years is yours. If you did most of the cooking in the home, the fridge should be yours, same with the bed, if your the one that always made it, etc. That's just my opinion.
I do like everyone's ideas of ignoring him, but that could come back to bite you. So best to talk to a lawyer.
1 person likes this
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
24 Nov 09
I wonder since it's your things, if you can give them to family for them to hold on to, until the divorce is finalized. I mean you didn't sell them, it was given away, and your still married. I know if you sell something before the divorce is finalized you have to split the profits. I always wondered if you could do it that way. Good Luck, and hope that everything works to your advantage. With your attitude towards this, it should.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
24 Nov 09
We were together 6 years and he is entitled to a sharte of my belongings, which I will fight for him not to get.
1 person likes this
@mzz663 (2772)
• United States
23 Nov 09
I sent a friend invite, please except it, I have an online site I think you should check out. It will help with a lot of your problems and questions.
I've been in a similar situation and from what I can see, he is still being abusive towards you.
I don't think it's that he can't acknowledge his guilt, it's that he can still persuade you into living in turmoil, it's his way, not yours right now. He's keeping your attention on him and not yourself, where it should be.
If you have a child at home, why would he need the toaster? or the furniture or appliances?
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
24 Nov 09
I will definitely accept your friend invite & check out your online site.
1 person likes this
@jdyrj777 (6530)
• United States
25 Nov 09
I think all that stuff will be settled in court. About who gets what and returning to each their own.
Or.......
You could just throw his clothes out on the lawn tell him its out there come and get it. Hold all the stuff he really wants till you get what you want.
Unless there are children from this union why would you want to even talk to him anymore?
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
25 Nov 09
No, the hiscchildren arent mine. I was hoping to keep this an amicable separation, but looks like it wont be.
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
25 Nov 09
Its not just testosterone overload, it's an ability to control anger issues & to accept they need help in dealing with it.
@jdyrj777 (6530)
• United States
25 Nov 09
Be careful. I was a run away wife once and a run away girlfriend once. I was in danger for my life both times. The second time i excaped i had red marks around my neck. These violent males could kill you just by a blow to the head. Please dont let him lure you in again. I think the testoserone overload makes them mental.
1 person likes this
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
22 Nov 09
Your ex husband does sound like he's being difficult of the whole situation. Its crazy, it seems like he wants things done his way or forget about it, he'll do it any way. Hopefully everything works out for you so that this can all be over with.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
22 Nov 09
Yes, he wants things done his way, he is no good at communication.
1 person likes this
@samawati (140)
•
21 Nov 09
I am just curious ...who get's the bed? Cause whoever does ..ends up with all your memories ... I have seen people getting separated before and the bed is usually left out of the settlement agreement cause it never stops reminding you of your past life.
The most intimate moments in your life ..you shared them either in the vicinity of the bed or actually on the bed ... so am curious ..who wants the bed or who got it if a settlement has already taken place?
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
21 Nov 09
Im getting the bed. He offered it in exchange for the Wii.
It saves me having to buy one.
@pastorkayte (2255)
• United States
4 Feb 10
Stop trying to get in touch with him and get in touch with your lawyer, he can get the mediation and the date to pick up his stuff done for you. Dont keep trying to talk to him because it is futile, he will only tell the court that he is trying to do these things and you wont let him. However send an email, print it out after you have sent it so that it shows the dates. Keep doing that every single day until he answers or you go to court so that you can show the judge that you made every effort to allow him his things and he clearly does not want them. The judge will rule that he abandoned them and you will get them by default.
@bigbaps (118)
•
21 Nov 09
well its quite difficult to answer as there is always 2 sides to a story so to speak, not saying it hasnt happened but am always cautious so to speak.
But personally if you split up then you only need limited communication and it sounds like for one party it hasnt been amicable.
From what you have written it looks like he is being awkrawd and its time to involve solicitors thats what I would do.
I aint afan of a solicitor and hate giving them any money etc etc but if you are getting no where then its time to bring the law in for both parties.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
21 Nov 09
I have already seen a solicitor & am now in the process of finding documentation.
There are never two sides to a storyb where there is domestic violence.
