I wanted to hide away
By carpenter5
@carpenter5 (6782)
United States
November 22, 2009 1:43am CST
I am having problems with my back agin, with numbness in my legs, severe pain in my back and not being able to put weight on my legs without it hurting. I walk like I'm 90 and have had to pull out the walker to get around.
Tonight, my youngest daughter, her boyfriend and her best friend were all over at the house. They had gone and gotten videos and pizza. I got up to go use the restroom, and detoured by the night stand to get my pain medication while I as in here. As I started back across the bedroom, I stepped out with my left foot and it went numb. I knew I was going to fall and there was not much I could do to stop it. I tried to catch myself on my little two drawer dresser, but instead of grabbing the edge of the dresser, I got the jewelry tray that is on top. Got just the end of it. Down I went, and flipped the tray off as well.
Necklaces, bracelets and watches went flying. Mike and the kids came running in here. I was so embarrassed that all I could do was bury my face in hubby's arm. I ask him to send the kids back to the livingroom. I just couldn't look them in the eye.
Well I found out that I really hurt my daughter by asking her to leave. She, Chris and Seth wanted to help pick me up as well as my stuff. But Because I was embarrassed that I fell, I sent them away.
have you ever done this? Not necessarily the fall, but not wanting those who care about you to see you in what you felt was an embarrassing situation? How did you handle it?
2 responses
@barbara7321 (240)
• United States
23 Nov 09
First, my daughter was 11 when I was diagnosed with cancer and in my late twenties. My husband at the time was not very supportive. After having radiation I could not walk. My daughter took care of me for the next 4 years AGAINST my wishes. She bathed me, fed me, took care of my younger child. This was embarassing for me, as well as I felt I took her childhood away. My daughter is 18 now, and in college. I am helping her through school. I am a single mom now. We each help each other until the other is stronger. I can now walk, and have left my terrible husband. My daughter is going through nursing school. We are closer than ever before. This is just something we do for family. No worries. I know I can say that now, but it does pass. I must admit i did try to push my daughter away at first. I did not want to take her childhood from her.
1 person likes this
@carpenter5 (6782)
• United States
23 Nov 09
After the first surgery, I had to learn to walk all over again. it was humiliating to be in the hopsital and have to have people on both sides of me, with me holding onto a walker and trying not to fall.
I now have handicapped tags on my car. On the good days, I don't show a whole lot of weakness. Only those who know me well, can see the limp. I've been screamed at for parking in handicapped parking. People look at me funny when I get a motorized basket. If my back is hurting, I'm riding, or I'm at risk of falling.
@barbara7321 (240)
• United States
23 Nov 09
I too have bad days where I am just tired, weak and in pain. I too have been in those carts and have been cursed out by others. I can not lift over ten pounds as well. Some days are good, and others I need to slow it down. I too can fall, but I just keep getting back up. Now I laugh, instead of cry. It is just a part of life that took me forever to cope with, and now for me there are other important things I want, so walking is what needs to be done in spite of the mishaps. I hope that you will feel better soon, and if not physically, emotionally is just as important. I would call your daughetr and explain your feelings. You might be surprised to find out that she is understanding.
1 person likes this
@barbara7321 (240)
• United States
23 Nov 09
PS. They told me that I may never walk again. So after feeling sorry for myself I pushed myself to learn to walk again. I am not rich, could not afford physical therapy and the like. So I took a chair and would take a few steps and sit in the chair. I look so pathetic, but every day I did this until I was able to walk my chair around the block. I have fallen, people have thought I was drunk and called the police. I have been laughed at. It all means nothing now, as I am walking and did not give up on myself.
1 person likes this
@kezabelle (2974)
•
22 Nov 09
Ive done the exact same, through a fall aswell due to suffering with my back its sciatica like you I get excrutiating pain numbness etc and once I told my partner I was ok for him to go out after half an hour I got up to get a drink fell and had to call him home I was so embarrased thankfully no one else was there at the time. Ive also had to call him home to help me when I couldnt even move my legs enough to climb the stairs to bed.
I dont even like him seeing me in that state but he loves me and just wants to help i hate it even more if anyone else is there my children are only very little though and i more want rid of them because it upsets them a lot to see mummy fall and i want to avoid them seeing it as much as possible,
1 person likes this
@carpenter5 (6782)
• United States
23 Nov 09
I feel better knowing that I'm not alone, even though I hate this for you.
Tomorrow is my 23rd wedding anniversary. For the first time, I have nothing planned for our anniversary. I haven't been able to work other than a little bit of writing, and it's hard to do it when I'm on the pain meds because things don't make sense. So the financial side is low, as well as the fact that I'm unable physically to get out and do anything...even to go out to dinner, i don't see that happening right now.
@barbara7321 (240)
• United States
23 Nov 09
I was on the morphine patch for a while, just doing nothing but sleeping. I took myself off of the medications against my doctors wishes becasue I felt they were doing nothing but making me depressed and putting me to sleep for too long. I probably slept an entire two years of my life away. I am living in pain, but don't have any regrets about quiting the morphine.
1 person likes this
@smilejanica (50)
• China
23 Nov 09
Well, I have a strange habit whenever I feel depressed or glommy, I 'd like to be alone rather tan sharing my emotion with others, even my families.I was told it's not good to be alone and digest the pain or sorrow lonely. The best thing for driving away the sorrows is to speak them out. I'm trying to change and depend my families more when I'm in a sad emotion. Complete change may be difficult but I will make effort.
