Do you follow it -Me, myself and my family.

Hi Deepak, I’m going to speak out some bitter truths which are as I personally experienced them and think of them. First of all Deepak, women these days are educated with a mind of their own…no longer child brides of yore who could be molded by the mother-in-law to fit into the family. Secondly, women are earning and no longer dependent on their husbands income for the basic necessities of food, clothing, shelter and hence being able to assert their minds and views on everything Thirdly, everybody enjoys freedom, even the mother-in-laws…so most MILs cant really accept the freedom of their DILs which they themselves lacked when they were young. Fourth…the kitchen is the kingdom of the lady of the house…few MILs are loathe to pass on the reins of the kitchen to the DILs while the DILs feel that after a few years and they too should be allowed to have some control over the kitchen Fifthly, each and every woman has a dream to have her own home…to decorate it as per her own ideas, so run it as she wants it and to cook her favourite meals…by the time the in-laws home becomes ‘own home’, its too late to run after a dream. Fifth, it is sad by very true that India does not have any social security for the aged and in many cases, young career-oriented children are really at a loss as to whether they should stay back to look after their parents or pursue their career elsewhere So you can see that I am not being judgmental here but just stating the facts as I feel them to be…I stayed with my in-laws for 10 years and I wish every girl has in-laws like them…they are the best thing that could happen to me. There was nothing like 'my personal' for me there...whatever was discussed or whatever, it was always a family affair and I was a willing participant. Even then Deepak, there were times when I felt to stifled, so frustrated, so much like an outsider…I saw my dreams slowly turning to dust, I learnt to curb my impulses, I learnt to control my hunger, I learnt to adjust my choices even for the monthly grocery LOL BUT the biggest loss in this is for the kids…no doubt about it…nothing can replace the touch and of the grandparents towards their grandkids and that is a guilt I’ll carry forever in myheart.

Hi Deepak! One of the humorists in our regional language mentioned that soon the concept of 'joint' family may come to mean' husband ' and 'wife'[so high is the intolerance level these days].Well, coming to the topic, I should also mention an important thing-- nowadays [why even right from my own days] parentsinlaw want their independence. While my grandparents could stay with their son, in our generation my current elders /uncles /aunts prefer to maintain their independent establishments.For one, this enables their own children to identify better wth their parents' places instead of their siblings'' places. Actually, I also see an increasing trend for youngsters wishing to keep elders with them [it ensures better safety for their children when both partners are working.] and the elders seeking their own comforts in their independent establishments . THis is more pronounced in affluent families where there is no financial dependence whatsoever. But whatever, immediate family is most important and relationships do get strained if there is interference . THe husband and wife must sort out their problems themselves and this gets compounded if elders step in and take sides.When the resources are limited it calls for a higher level of magnanimity from all people.But ' me myself, ' do not look cohesive and good and with all this finacial independence there needs to be interdependence. Shall continue later-----

Well one cannot generalize this issue. Gone are the days when there is a patriarch who brings the food for everyone in the family and takes care of the crowd of a family and relatives. People’s needs apart from food were very minimal those days. There were no individual needs and preferences. The necessities have grown thousand folds nowadays and so is the obsession and possessiveness of the people.Each and every one have to toil and earn for his individual needs. One person's manna has become another person's poison today. So the idea of living alone suited everyone to live independently the way they like. That doesn't mean the affection and care also must diminish. One has to find the right balance between living individually and sheltering the elders at the right moments.

hi dpk yes I think the nuclear family should be left alone with no in-laws to bother them . A family is mom and dad and kids. No relatives living with them to upset the bonds and cause friction where it need not be. A grandparent on the other hand is not upsetting, at least my grandpa was most welcome in our family when I was growing up He had his own two room house so he could be a little independent but he ate with us and shared conversations and helped out. Nobody was ever upset with him as he'was gentle intelligent and loveable too. He never interfered with our family and was always smart in family ways.but no inlaws at all save my granddad. no mother in law problems.

Hi Deepak. Hm, I do think that when we marry, in-laws ARE a part of the family as a whole. But I do not think they ought to interfere in a single family unit, namely their child and their child's spouse. While a single unit, family that is, a couple is something unique. Same for when they have children. Their individual family unit should be respected as separate, even as they do continue to interact with extend family in many circumstances. Karen

hi deepak, in my way, i am still staying with my inlaws, we are very understandable, adjustable eachother. some times, misunderstanding will be there but, it won't go deep, especially this comes with childrens only... i don't like to mention this but still... i have open this here.. my mother in-law is very cooperative person. eventhough i easyly mingle with everyone so, i couldn't face any problem with them, i took it easyly.. we should need joly and happy life till the end of our life, then why to get worries through out the life yaar.. i don't like these kind of worries. anyway. thankyou for your topic, have a nice day.

i differ from that opinion,my in-laws are very important to me as they are my hubby parents and also they are very wise due to experiences and they can guide and also they are invaluable to our children.ofcourse,joint families does have its disadvantages but i would still prefer a joint family.

Thankfully I will Never have to worry about in-laws. To me My love, If I ever find him, and I are first then his parents. If I meet Mr. Right and his parents don't like me, then he will have to split his time between the two familis.I would willingly just stay away so he can visit with his parents. If they neded a place to stay, I'd would move out or help him find a place for them to move in together. Chances are I wouldn' be living with him anyway. So it would be up to him to make time to see me.

My in-laws were with me as soon as I got married and came to Bangalore. Till they were with me, all their seven children (my husband is 8th child) and their families kept on coming to our house for short stay as many of them had railway passes, three per year. I never objected and it was fun for me and my children to have relatives coming and staying with us. My neighbours were telling that we did not have a month without guests. But staying together has some limitations. We should give others their space and privacy. Then joint family will be very helpful.

When I already have a family of my own, I can say I want to live in our own. Not with my parents but with our own, we have our own house and we will grow the family there. I don't want our parents to mingle with our problems, of course parents will still be parents, they will not stop supporting their children until they are alive, but i wish they are there for advices and some support for taking care of their grand children. I really wanted my parents to be there but for guidance. I have to learned how to handle my family and our own problems, I want them to support me.

Funnily enough there was a few months ago where I responded to many discussions on families who stay together. Now Your saying it isn't happening as much anymore. I honestly have to say that I think it depends on the country and the situation of the individual person. I think that Americans (myself) are more likely to want to be nuclear, and not stay with family but by themselves with their husband and children. My husband and I were just married and we live with his parents. We want our own place but also want to do it right by getting one we both really love and one we will never have to move from. So we're going to save up after Christmas and then buy our own place after we get a car and have enough for a down payment on a place. I think that more people should stay with family for longer even if that isn't something they are looking forward to doing. In the long run you'll always find that no matter if your living with them or not, they'll annoy you... And most of the time they only mean what's best for you, so I guess what I am saying is make sure your financially secure and on the right track before venturing off and into the unknown world of bills etc.

Yes definitely the in-laws should take care of themselves and leave the husband and wife to their own devices because each family should live without the interference of other family members. It certainly does not mean that there should be no care or closeness but I like the fact that what happens under my roof is mine and my husband’s business and we do not need to share unless we want to. There should be financial independence too and although there is no harm in family members lending a hand when needed my husband and I do not like the idea of depending on anyone else and I am almost certain my parents feel the same way.

hello deepak! for me, there's no problem if my inlaws will be living with us, it will be my pleasure to take care of my mom in law since she's already old and needs more care from her children. i treated her as my real mom. its fine that she lives with us but i will not like it if she poke her nose in our affairs...hehe but i can take some advices from her but just don't nag at me and suppress my freedom & rights in the house as the wife of her son... its really okay with me coz i know that my husband will also treat my parents that way.. but its just sad to some, that this style of living all together usually becomes a root of misunderstandings... i guess what people should do is try to understand each other and respect the rights of each one in the family... good day!

Hi deepak There are some advantages and some disadvantages in the nuclear family system. Because generation gap will be there. What the in laws think may not suit for the current generation and vice versa. The in laws think that they are the supreme head of the family and should take decision for each and every matters, including the naming of their grand children, where as the daughter in law thinks otherwise. She wants to name her child of her choice. Sometimes, deciding about the menu of the cooking too comes in between the two. So slowly the DL fed up with the attitude of her PL tries to avoid them and wants to live separately with her immediate family away from them

I come from a very close knit family and wish to continue this tradition for my future generations. Though we are all married and and having our own houses but we still make it an effort to return to the house we grew up every weekends. On festive season like christmas and new year we assemble in the house we call 'big house' to celebrate the occasion and spend the rest of our year end holidays as one big family. I think most Asian homes still adopt the tradition of caring for their next of kin and we are very much into the extended family concept. No matter what happen to today's nuclear families, we still maintain a strong hold to our culture of strong family ties and the modern world has not broken the chain of unity in my family.

I don't think that in laws should stay with you after you get married. Some cultures believe that but in America we move out of our parents house to become independent not to have our parents move in with us. Most parents are trying to get their kids out of the house.

It depends...For everyone,the top priority is his or her immediate family. But that always doesn't mean a person should start ignoring aged and elderly members..The expectations is always very high when it comes in regard to the son in law or daughter in law.

dear friend... i think every person is independent and free. he/she want to lead his/her life in his/her own way. i think nuclear family is the best.