What will you do when your parents age?
By mysticmaggie
@mysticmaggie (2498)
United States
November 23, 2009 10:36pm CST
I moved from our beautiful Florida home to the Pennsylvania countryside after my son begged me to bring my husband here to be near son and daughter-in-law. In doing so, we are losing our home, we spent the small nest egg we had to get here and I feel as though we live in hell. We are spending twice as much to live half as well and never have enough to finish the month any more. Our children have no money to share although they make 2-3 times our income. They have borrowed from us in the past, but as with all who we have helped they never have money to share.
The majority of days are cloudy, cold and rainy, so unlike sunny Florida. Our friends were left behind and to see our children, we have to call to see if they are busy or can stay with my husband who is disabled while I run errands. I always feel rushed to get back so they can get on with their lives.
I feel they judge every move I make to see if I am senile - at the age of 62. I can assure you I most definitely am not. I am quite confident should they decide between them I AM showing any small sign, I will be tossed into a senior home...my worst fear.
What will you do with your parents? Will you give them time to actually live out their lives or itch to put them away? Will you beg them at their worst weak moment to destroy the lives they've built so you don't have to worry about flying down if there's a problem? Will you hope your children give you the same treatment you give your parents or will you fear they will do the same?
As with my husband's care, I would never have trusted my parents to an institution unless they were on their death beds and required hospital care. That doesn't seem to be the case today. Toss us away and rest easy not having to worry seems to be the key every child holds.
2 people like this
11 responses
@happy2512 (1266)
• Philippines
24 Nov 09
For me its time to do my turn to take care of my Parents when they age for I know how much sacrifice they have made to make me who I am today & I would not encourage to send them to senior home for I will find a way wherein they will have to move in with me I will be the one who will take care of them, their needs & I will do the best thing I can to answer everything they need. I love them & if they don't love me that much while I am growing maybe I am not who I am today.
@mysticmaggie (2498)
• United States
24 Nov 09
Your parents are fortunate to have a child who loves them so. There may come a time, for instance if a parent is in the final stages of dementia, that they need care other than your home, but please don't make them feel as useless as I do today. Before June 8th this year, I felt strong and capable of handling anything, and even after my husband had his debilitating stroke, I thought we would be fine, but since moving here, I feel helpless. We are stuck in the country with any store at least a forty-five minute round trip, so running out for a moment is out of the question.
In our old home, our grocery store was across one street, the pharmacy across another and clothing stores were five minutes away. We cannot afford to bring in paid help and have to wait for someone to be free to help out.
@happy2512 (1266)
• Philippines
24 Nov 09
If their would be a chance for you to move back to where you used to live why don't you? Atleast their everything is just nearby theirs no need for you to travel far to buy things. Well if my parents will get sick I am the only one who will accompany them to the hospital especially in emergency cases although my siblings & I always share with the expenses but I am the one who is hands-on to them I don't care even if I will be absent from my work for a long period of time.
@mysticmaggie (2498)
• United States
24 Nov 09
For any chance to return to Florida, I would need money, something we no longer have. It costs over $12,000 to get us up here and that was every penny we had left in savings after taking care of family and friends who needed shelter, doctors and hospitals. We have no one to turn to for funds of any kind since most of them are living day to day themselves.
If my husband could travel well, I would tuck him in a car and leave tomorrow. But right now, we have no ramp to get him outside and I cannot get him in the car by myself. All medical staff come to us because I can't get him to them. They cost about three times as much as the office visits would.
After the first of the year, I will be paying something on each of his fifteen (15) prescriptions plus $20 each for three therapists and a nurse to come out twice a week. This is all money we absolutely don't have even with an excellent insurance plan. If the medical plan in Washington passes, I expect things to get progressively worse.
@kykidd (6812)
• United States
24 Nov 09
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this trying time. It is so sad that you gave all of that up, and for what? I guess that you will just have to move on with your life without them.
62 is by no means old. I am sure you have a good 20 or 30 years left. I would think that your children should realize this, as people are living a lot longer these days.
Good luck to you! I hope things turn around for you in the near future.
As for my mother, she is 64 and does quite a good job at taking care of herself. Although, she does call me to vent from time to time. But, I would not by any means ask her to leave her home to move up north to be near me and my brother and sister. She is happy where she is, and we all try to visit when we can.
1 person likes this
@mysticmaggie (2498)
• United States
24 Nov 09
Later, if she gets to the point of being unable to care for herself, by all means bring her to your home, but until then let her have the life she's worked for all those years. Do not make guilt any part of her decision. Both of you will regret it for she will never be happy if she loses the familiarity and comfort of her life for the strangeness of a new one. Maybe if we had neighbors right next door it would help, but it's hard to get to know someone when you cannot leave your own house and walk down the road to get acquainted.
@froggieslover (3069)
• United States
24 Nov 09
Hello mysticmaggie, I am an only child so this is something that I worry about quite often..my mom is still fairly young but is not in the best of health ans that scares me a bit. She is in a relationship now but this has been her first real relationship since I was a little girl and I just know that it is all going to fall on me a some point and i just hope that I am able to handle it.
1 person likes this
@mysticmaggie (2498)
• United States
24 Nov 09
When you were at your most helpless, did she have time for you? My parents did and my husband always had time for me, so the least I could do was return the love they gave to me. When I was growing up, one grandmother lived with us and the other lived with one of her sons. It was unthinkable to have them do otherwise, but families were close then, not spread over the globe. Neither of my grandmothers was pulled away from her friends because they all lived close to my parents, too. Visits were made, friendships kept, and life remained good for both grandmothers.
@yecal10 (143)
• United States
25 Nov 09
No, no this cannot be the case. I just think you are so depressed about being in a place you did not want to be in the first place. Why don't you do some work on the internet to save up some money (keep this to yourself) and then with your money just fly home to Florida again? Keep your own counsel. You can make money online if you need be. Just go back to Florida again but don't tell them your plans or they could talk you out of it. You are obviously not senile and 62 is young! Get the hell out of that environment.
@monkeylong (3139)
• Guangzhou, China
25 Nov 09
As afr as I'm concerned, when I get to me as the parents age, I think I will go for some work which relx me a lot. Then I may be go out to some travelling which I can enjoy the life most. The I want to is just enjoying my last days of my life. Have a haapiest ending.Happy mylot.
@Norah0804 (165)
• China
24 Nov 09
Hi, mysticmaggie
The problem you met is a thorny one and difficult to deal with. Nowadays. the relations between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is very delicate,it is clear that living together is not a good chioce. Perhaps you shall move back to Florida, since life in pennsykvania is not wolly satisfactory.
@mysticmaggie (2498)
• United States
24 Nov 09
I wish that was a choice, but without the funds to do so and no hope of things getting better, the choice doesn't exist. If we left here, our home in Florida was lost to foreclosure because we couldn't pay a mortgage down there and rent up here. Nor do we have the funds for first and last months' rent plus a deposit on a home.
We have dug a deep hole in listening to others and I fear we are stuck living in the mistake we made.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Nov 09
lord that is awful mysticmaggie why did they not leave you where you were happy? and make you lose so much that is not right. and to watch you to see if you will be senile at 62 thats so silly. I am 83 and I sure am not senile,but quite intelligent. I am in a retirement center but not because of my age entirely. see we were
living in a two bedroom apartment my son and I but he lost his job, we ran out of money and got evicted hence he put me here for now as I could not live on the streets and he got gov. help to get into an apartment with three other men so he could have an address while he looks for work. this is not a nursing home ,its an assisted living place. we are free to go where we want if we are able. nobody is bedridden here. My social security and ssi check pay for the rent and board each month with some leftover for my personal needs.its not home but a heck of a lot better than hunting for homeless shelter every day. but for you you do have some choices dont you, I would get myself and my hubby back home where you belong, and if your kids do no like it tought sh@t. at 62 you have a long life and need to be happy and you were torn away from all that makes you happy. get a way to go back to Florida please. let us know what happens.
@mysticmaggie (2498)
• United States
24 Nov 09
Our home is gone and we are renting with another nine months on the lease. My husband has to be transported by ambulance which runs $5000 minimum. Our income doesn't pay the rent, food, and the multitude of bills this place generates. We went to the Salvation Army store for cheap furniture to replace the pieces I sold because they didn't fit on the truck. We have no funds to get us back to Florida and with the loss of our home through foreclosure, getting a rental there would be a miracle.
Good luck to you and your son. It sounds as though he did what was best to take care of you and to get a chance to find work for himself. I hope everything works out for you. My prayers are with you.
@vivianchen (2646)
• China
24 Nov 09
Hello there,
I am sorry about what you are suffering now. Maybe the culture is different, in China, taking care of our parents when they getting old is our responsibility, we will live together to take care of each other, and we pay everything for them, food, entertain, whatever they enjoying. That is our custom to doing so, althought some of the parents they don't want to leave their own place and move to their kids' place, kids will go home and see them in the major holidays. i think that's a good way too!
@mysticmaggie (2498)
• United States
24 Nov 09
Once that was our culture, too. Then people began moving farther away from home to work and live and the family core broke up. I think that is one of the primary problems we face today. Where everyone used to pitch in, now everyone is too busy to care. They look for the easy way out and eventually we all find the easy way was when families remained together and formed a strong unit.
@getbrowser (1708)
• China
24 Nov 09
I tend to take care of them when my parents age. In my country, it is unfilial to keep away with parents when they are getting old.
Most people may be worried about taking care of their children and also having to take care of parents as they age. But it is a fact that old people who have lost their husbands or wives will have a neglected old age, and will be more miserable if their children are disobedient. Without children, the old may have to live a lonely life.
In fact, what you do to your parents when they're old is probably the same treatment you'll get from your children when you reach the same age. If we don't want to face the fact when we are getting old, we really should take care of them carefully.
@mysticmaggie (2498)
• United States
24 Nov 09
When people grow older, we tend to see them as frail and useless instead of a wealth of knowledge about our country during a different age. We waste the background of our lives in a push to make more and buy more. Only after the parents are gone does anyone finally think "why didn't I pay closer attention."
Your parents are fortunate. The best of luck to you and them.
@nautilus33 (1827)
•
24 Nov 09
Hi! When my parents age, I am going to care about them- I will either live with them or I will find them a home closer to me. Because I think every person must care about his parents when they get old, because they have gave him life, they have cared about him when he was young, they have gave him the start in the life. So no one must abandon its parents in a senile-house, like many people do. It's not humanity and it's not right. Just think so over it: "What if your parents have abandoned you, when you have born? What would it happen to you?" Just think about it and don't make mistakes.
@mysticmaggie (2498)
• United States
24 Nov 09
Sadly most people forget the care they were given as children and the things their parents gave up because that beautiful child was more important. They forget when the parent is in diapers that the child was also in diapers and the parent was there to change them.
They forget that when the parent has a stroke and drools, that as a child they, too, drooled. Mom and Dad cleaned it away without feeling animosity toward the child.
They forget when the parent makes a mess eating that the child also made a tremendous mess while eating, but the parent again took care of the problem, then cuddled the child and sang sweet songs.
They forget that when a parent suffers ailments, the child also suffered all types of illnesses, but were never left by the parent. Instead, the parent risked getting the illness in the insistence to take care of the child.
