Family issues - how would you deal with this?
@TickleMeBreathless (590)
United States
November 25, 2009 9:27pm CST
I have a slight issue, and to be honest I'm not sure how to deal with it.
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years now. We have a history of fighting - a LOT. It normally doesn't last long, but our fights can sometimes become nasty. he has a tendancy to call me things like a [pardon my language] a b*tch, an idiot, selfish, a monster. [These usual name calling fits happen after I refuse to give him something he whines for, like if I don't wash his dishes for him.] I have been told it's an emotionally abusive relationship, however I love him and honestly want this to work between us. Overall our relationship isn't exactly healthy, but it's surviving.
Here's my issue: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. My boyfriend has been living with my mom and I due to an incident where he was staying. I normally go to my brother's house for Thanksgiving [he has a common-law wife and he takes care of her two children] with my mom. I had talked to my mom about a week ago, asking her to ask my sister in law if it would be okay if my boyfriend came this year. She didn't ask until today, and my niece [who I have no idea how she knows how he treats me] screamed that she didn't want him to come because he treated me like crap and she didn't like him. [She is 14, by the way.]
So I talked to my boyfriend and he agreed not to come. I was irritated, however, because if I had known a few days earlier we could have gone to my aunt's house. Well I'm going tomorrow with my mom to my brother's house. My problem is that I'm irritated at my niece. She knows how important it is to me that we all include my boyfriend in the holidays, and so to say that really upsets me. I really am not sure how to react to her tomorrow. I don't feel like talking to her now, but what if she tries to talk to me? What do I say?
I am SO sorry if this is long, but what would you do in this situation? Would you ignore her, or try to be polite to her? How would you feel if you were in my shoes?
Thank you in advance for your comments!
2 people like this
7 responses
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
12 Dec 09
The 14 year old is pretty wise and obviously has heard things. I'm sure she has heard your family talking about this. She cares about you and does not want anyone treating you badly. Your relationship really does sound abusive...it really does. I was in a very abusive marriage and it started out emotionally abusive like this and esculated into physical abuse later on. I see you wrote this a few weeks ago and I'm a tad bit late in responding. You should not be irritated with your niece. She loves and cares about you and doesn't like to see anyone treating you poorly. Just talk to her and understand her feelings but make her realize that this is your choice to be with him and while she is entitled to her feelings, she needs to treat him politely and with respect no matter how she feels towards him. Just imagine how you would feel towards a boyfriend that treated her badly or in your opinion did.
1 person likes this
@TickleMeBreathless (590)
• United States
23 Dec 09
Trust me, I've been there done that. When she was 13 she was so excited for her first boyfriend that she let him abuse her... He openly stole her money, he would "slap" her around for fun, he would treat her as a servant... It wasn't fun to watch. The difference was, I approached her softly and told her she deserved better than that. I didn't talk about it around her boyfriend, and I didn't act rude to him. Eventually she decided what was best for her, and she left him. I know she's trying to help, but I feel that you're correct, and she needs to respect him.
By the way, my relationship has improved greatly since then. I appreciate everyone's concern, I know things can go south fast, but I've been there before and I know the signs. I told him I was leaving, and after a week he wanted to try over. So we have, and things have been so much better. He's even getting help from a counselor. We found out he has depression, and when he's taking his medication he treats me so wonderfully. It's amazing, the change. And he knows what he did was crappy, and now he has no problem taking his medication. We've even begun talking openly again.
Thank you for your post! =]
@missweety (626)
• Latvia
11 Dec 09
Hello! I was trying to follow all your story, hope I understood everything correctly. So I will try to give you my opinion.:) I didn't like that part that your boyfriend calls you names. I think it is not normal and just because of this you can have more quarrels and problems in future because I see that you are (maybe just he is) missing one really important thing called RESPECT!!! Don't live with your eyes closed, always thy to look to your relationship like a person from aside! Like you are somebody else!!! Then try to describe to yourself what is that you don't like...and talking about your niece! She's just 14 but she already understands that calling you in such names or treating you like that is not normal! If a child can see it, then apparently there is something wrong! And if you have quarreled for a long time already then maybe your boyfriend doesn't want to change! Remember, always place yourself 1st!!! If you will not stand for yourself then who else will? I suggest talking with your niece! Be cleverer, when she will be in your ages then she will understand how you were feeling!!!And after all she just wants you to be happy!!!!Wishing you lts of luck and love!!! :)
@TickleMeBreathless (590)
• United States
23 Dec 09
Thank you for your post! =] I think your luck worked, because my relationship is tons better! Haha, I know it's going to be a long road, but so far there has been a dramatic change in him! I told him I was leaving him, and after being apart for a week, he wanted to try again. I told him last chance... Since then things have been wonderful. No more name calling, and our fights have been rare.
Thank you for your post again! =]
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
25 Dec 09
Well, there's several different issues here...
First, his treatment of you can fall into the emotional abuse group. Even if you want it to work out...it sounds like you both need some counceling if you're going to have any kind of normal relationship. I hope you'll look into it.
Second, if someone told me that they didn't want my Hubby (or when he was my b/f) around, then I'd probably not bother to go either. I'm not sure why a 14 year old is deciding who comes and who doesn't but I'd just tell them that if he's not welcome then I'm not either.
As for how to handle the niece, I'd just ignore her and she'll get the message that you're ticked off at her...
[b]~~AT PEACE WITHIN~~
**STANDING STRONG IN MY BELIEFS**[/b]
@casinocat (284)
• United States
7 Dec 09
I almost didn't respond to your discussion for two reasons. First reason - Thanksgiving is over, so you no longer want to hear what people would do if they were in your shoes. But, Thanksgiving isn't the only time you are going to have family and friends exclude your boyfriend. They recognize his abusive behavior, and do not want to be exposed to it. Hopefully, you will learn from your friends and family members. Second, I thought, I'm a stranger, and I don't want to hurt your feelings. But, it is apparent that you really don't mind being hurt. You allow this man to call you an idiot! So, you'll hate me for this, but he is sort of right. If you stay with him, you ARE acting like an idiot. (You're not an idiot... just acting like it right now.) It is probably harder for you to see from the inside, but people who love you are seeing it. I can tell from your post that you have a glimpse, an inkling that this man is bad news!
I hope that you were polite to your niece. Maybe even thanked her for her insight and honesty. Being 14, she said it the wrong way, but the sentiment was correct. She doesn't want to be around someone who hurts you!
I truly am NOT trying to be hurtful. I hope someday you'll listen to those who love you and speak up for you. If you think "loving" someone allows you to demean them and call them names (for not washing his dishes?!!!!) then I think you have a poor definition of "LOVE."
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings or made you angry. I hope your friends and family will continue to speak up (THEY love you.)
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
12 Dec 09
Hi Casinocat,
I had to hop in here and tell you that you worded this perfectly! I also found myself stumbling upon this after the fact. I think the 14 year old has probably heard the adults talking and why? because they are all concerned and worried but the adults are probably just being nice and letting her make her own decisions even tho they are worried. The 14 yr old being a typical 14 yr old really doesn't care what anyone thinks...she is going to speak her mind bluntly. The 14 yr old seems to be the only one with the guts to speak up and be the voice of the family. I was in an abusive relationship and it is clear that she is still at the stage where you hope things will get better. 
@TickleMeBreathless (590)
• United States
23 Dec 09
Not to rain on your parade [pardon me, I don't mean to be rude either, I did ask for opinions, after all] but my boyfriend and I are in the current process of working things out. I know she is tired of seeing me hurt, but I rarely concern others in my relationship with my boyfriend. The "adults" - by the way, I am 18 - all think we'll end up getting married. I have listened in on their conversations before [sneaky, sometimes I have to be]. I have made it clear to who is concerned that my boyfriend and I are improving quite a bit. What my family doesn't see is that I also start fights, and that he is not all to blame. No, I am not taking his word for it, but my mother's, who sees us on a day-to-day basis.
I may be acting like an idiot, but have you heard the term "love is blind, love knows no hate"? I am trying to be mature and work things out with him. In the past six months we have improved dramatically. Rare fighting, he no longer calls me names, and he actually got me gifts for Christmas this year.
I know it sounds like I'm defending him, but it's very true. I left him once, but we were both miserable. That's when we decided to try and improve on our relationship. He is a ton better, and so am I.
Now if I could only get rid of my old junk... Haha!
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
28 Nov 09
I know this is late but I hope that you weren't unfriendly to your niece who was only taking up for you. You say that you and your boyfriend fight a lot so I have to ask you why you would choose to stay in a relationship like this? Don't say that it's because you love him because you can love anyone. Do you feel sorry for him? Do you feel that you have to take care of him? If this relationship is bad you really owe it to yourself to do two things...first get professional help so that the two of you can learn to treat each other better and, if that doesn't work, have the strength and courage to break it off. You...and your boyfriend...deserve to be happy.
@TickleMeBreathless (590)
• United States
23 Dec 09
I stay because we do love each other. Hard to believe, we've had some pretty nasty fights, but we always make up and talk it out. We try to find the reason behind the fight, and try to move on maturely. I cannot afford professional help, even if I wanted it. Things have been improving over the past six months - we don't fight nearly as often, and we handle it better. I wasn't unfriendly to my niece, I just took her aside and told her that it was okay if she was mad, but it wasn't okay that she tries to disclude him from the family functions. I said I would know when to quit and when to go on, but for now we were trying to work it out.
@momtrying2makeit (3270)
• United States
28 Nov 09
I do not know what to tell you but let me say this. First if you know you and your boyfriend treat each other unfairly there may be a reason for that. I feel maybe you could both go and get some help so you could improve the relationship. Things in my opinion will only get worse not better but also it is your choice to be with him no one else's I hope this helps and happy mylotting to you.
@Apple3Cranberry (678)
• United States
26 Nov 09
I'm irritated. My mom, I don't feel like talking to her. A lot. B*tch. Selfish monster. He treats me honest, and to be fighting I have a slight issue. I'm not sure. Well I'm going Tomorrow.
