She Slowly Slipped Away...

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I already have blog titles all lined up to satisfy my blog-writing craving for the rest of the year. Blogs about motherhood, about my daily activities, about my rants, and especially blogs about my mother. The first week of November I had in mind the title "She Was So Thin" after paying my mom a visit and found out how this she was. I just had no chance back then to transfer the ideas from my circle of willis down to a published blog. Then there was "Crossing The Bridge" - about the motherhood I've seen from my mom and the motherhood I am having with my twins. Through my IM tags and handle, my friends and colleagues knew how excited I was come weekend. Everyday, I do countdowns posted as my shout out. You see, I already secured approval from my boss that I will just be going to work only 4days/week. I will spend weekends and Mondays taking care of my mom. She was only 66. Yup, too young to be defeated by the enemy - Alzheimer's. About a decade ago, we might mistook the illness as just a "normal forgetfulness" that comes along with the golden age. But things wouldn't be normal anymore if even basic things such as writing your own name is totally forgotten! Then there were patterns. Abnormal patterns she does everyday like hiding spoons and forks behind the bed...or throwing the garbage and picking it up again... Patterns became worse as the years went on. What we thought was confirmed by the doctors. Alzheimer's. For 7 grueling years she battled with the enemy until her limp body finally succumbed. Nov. 28, 2009... With the twins in tow, we headed to Mama's house (about an hour travel by bus from our place). I saw her so thin, sitting there, with Papa beside her, begging her to eat. She refused to open her mouth (or she forgot how to due the illness). Then Papa whispered to her that the twins were there. Her face lit up. Her faint eyes couldn't hide the glow when she saw the twins. It even became brighter when the twins kissed her, hug her and excitedly told stories. My twins were her firstborn grandchildren, thus her favorite. The kids went on babbling their many stories, especially their experience about their field trip. I saw Mama smiled. Usually her smile was contagious. With just a glimpse of her smile, I always find myself smiling back. But that day was different. Instead of smiling, I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. It was my turn to talk to her. God, I have a lot to say! Instead, I just held her hand and sobbed. I whispered, "I love you, Mama." And embraced her gently, not too tight for I was afraid her frail body will crush. I wiped the tears from her eyes, not minding my own. I let her watch the video of the twins I took. It was their own interpretation of "Wanna Be" by Spice Girls. I saw her tilt down and nod her head while watching the video. Then I held her hand again, not wanting to let her go. I told her things that I coudln't share to anyone, not even my husband. The last thing I remembered telling her was that 2009 was not a good year for me. But if there was one good thing remaining, it was because she was still there. I tild her, "Hang on, Ma. Don't give up." I always draw courage from her. It was just ironic that right after saying that, I noticed taht she slowly ceased breathing. She wasn't gripping my hand anymore. I was still in denial. It was as if everything around me spun so fast I could not catch up. The next thing I saw was Papa crying at one side... my sister consoling him...my brother asking if it was still necessary for us to go to the hospital. There was no pulse, no breathing, none. My brother carried her very light body and carefully place her on the bed. I sad yes. She was still alive. She can't be dead. We were just talking, what happened? I just told her to hang on... I am aware that I am not her favorite child. You know the usual story of a middle child, right? But I don't care! I love my Mama and what matters is that she is my favorite! She still is... Till now I can't accept the fact that Mama is no longer with us. She shared with me one thing that my other siblings do not have-motherhood. I admit I am not even half the mother to my kids the way she was with us. She was the most selfless human being I have ever known. In his speech during the last funeral discourse, Papa said that my Mama was a better wife to him than him being a husband to her. I couldn't agree more. Perhaps Papa loved Mama the same way that she does, in a way that my naked eyes couldn't see. But for me, the love Mama gave Papa was far beyond compare. From how I see it, the love that she showed was truly priceless. Unparalleled! Now, everytime I close my eyes I always see different images of Mama. Mama being healthy and happy...her smiles accentuate her presence... The image of her when I held her hand not knowing that wasthe last... the image of her carrying my twins with joy uncontained. There were lessons learned. And there are lessons more to learn. Qualities that I have to adapt. Feelings that I have to show. And adjustments I should be making. Maybe she got tired already, I don't know. It crossed my mind several times that perhaps...perhaps I am not worth loving after all. There are people who took advantage of the friendship I offered. People who had the nerves to just took me for granted. And at one point, those were people I held on and built my trust. Of all the people I need, I need my Mama the most... But she slowly slipped away...