Letters From An All Too Familiar World: #2

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(The following 5 letters were addressed to my mother from my father.) May 9, 1999 - 1st I know I said I wouldn't write any more letters, but the tears keep flowing and the heartbreak is still there, and I wish I knew if it will ever end. I don't see the end - just a few non-acceptable options. I'm sorry - it's just the way things are with me. I'm so lonely, and I miss you and your touch so much. No one could ever take your place. You're so special to me. Everybody I talk to thinks I'm crazy, but they just don't understand why - and I can't explain it on their terms, because they don't seem to have the same situation or haven't been through it at this level. I've never felt so hurt and lonely before; I thought the experience with Sam was bad, but in contrast - that was a ball game compared to this. I've screwed up the best thing I've ever had in my life and I hate myself for the things that have happened with you and me. I need the kids' presence, it's all I have left I just hope and pray your family understands and has more patience with me. This is very difficult. You seem to be doing fine. I keep trying to stay above board but everything keeps ending up with you. I can't shake the feelings and I always end up in this Godforsaken misery. No end in sight, no matter how hard I try. Lost in space forever I guess. I love you I love you I love you Maybe it'll end some day, but I don't think so - I remember we did agree - till death do us part. My end still stands. I realize this doesn't change anything just had to say what I feel - yours forever - sorry