Question for married women-What would you do?

I am not a guidance counselor, but I am a 60 year old woman who has worked for many years and a keen observer of behavior both in men and women. First of all, I'd be interested in why this woman lost her job. If she were part of a general layoff that took several employees by surprise, I imagine she was stunned and looked to someone who had befriended her. However, I have a gut feeling that this was not the case and your husband became her "target". I've seen women that manipulate and flatter men to get what they want. I was a divorced and single working mom for many years and I never shared "money problems" or asked for a donation. She probably has family or friends that could help her unless she used them and they won't help her any more. Somewhere out there has to be fathers of these children, who do or should show some sense of responsibility. Even if your husband was totally innocent in his gift, the fact that he held her phone number for a week and then decided to call her bothers me. Perhaps he thought that his concern and generosity might earn him some kind of reward. I've known women that draw men around them like flies, using flattery to win them over like a game. Some of the men that have been "sucked in" really had no intention of doing anything out of line at first. Let me give you a couple of examples. First one would be Donald Trump. Personally I find him to be rather repulsive and arrogant. Why do you think he keeps getting younger and younger girlfriends and wives? Money and power. Yet, I bet he actually looks in the mirror and sees himself as a young stud and not the "old guy" he is. Flattery and manipulation can get you what you want. If you are in doubt, look at the "Housewives of Orange County" and tell me that these women got anything with their brains. The second example is very personal. My father only dated one other woman before my mom and was probably a virgin when they married in 1949. He had been a chubby teenager and had lost his front teeth due to a sledding accident. No dates. He never really played the field and had the attention of very many women. He grew to over six feet, tall and thin and got some dentures. Mom, also a virgin and very naive, fell in love and married him. They were both very strong in their faith and my mom trusted him completely. There was a secretary at work who was constantly filling my dad with her sob stories and focusing in on him for attention. He was flattered and came home every night talking about poor Helen and her circumstances. This went on for months and months....... until she ended up having a child by my father. His compassion and her manipulation ended up with a baby. No... he didn't divorce my mom, but he made my mom's life hell for the rest of his life and even beyond the grave. You have to look at motives here. I think it smells like a skunk. The best thing probably is to spend time apart and sort this all out. If he really wants to help her, he can give her names of agencies that can give her aid and job counseling. If he continues to visit her and give her money, I too would be suspicious of both their motives. Just give it time and see what shakes out. GOOD LUCK TO YOU!

Honestly I mean why not offer to met this woman. See for yourself who she is. Invite her over for dinner or something. If she lost her job it could very well be that she needs helps. I wouldn't pause to give my friend money no matter their gender or relationship status. Honestly what would you have done if one of your male single friends needed help.

I think it really comes well a person knows their spouse, if he is the cheating kidn of person, or one that would take advantage if he had the opportunity it is one thing, however if he is just a good hearted person like my man is I wouldn't think anything of it because that is the kind of person he is

I would have been very suspicious of that one as well and mainly because I can not imagine giving some married many my phone # and accepting money from him to begin with and especially if we were not seeing each other. There are so so many other places that she can to turn to for help so why YOUR husband? Also....the fact that he did not discuss it with you and the fact that it bothers you should have been enough to end it. I'm sorry. It looks as if he chose her over you. I'm sorry you are going thru this, CharRay.

Hey Char! I am not a married woman but, I am going to respond anyway and I hope you won't take offense especially since it it is most definitely in your favor! You did exactly the right thing in kicking his azz out! If that's all it took to kick him out they he was lying to you about his relationship with this lying piece of crap! And believe me it won't last! He will be back begging you to take him back soon! He is stupid if he things this losing ho is going to be with him because she wants him for anything else but money! And if he wants you to take his dumb azz back make sure that you don't! He needs to learn a serious lesson! You did the right thing by throwing him out because he is a stupid piece of crap and you don't need him around! I would start thinking about filing for a divorce! I'm so sorry you are going through such a mess Char, but you have lots of friends here who care about you!

AWWWWWW ((((((( Char ))))))) HUGGGGGGGGGGG!!! I have 2 trains of thought on this... Sounds to me as though you had a kind husband who just could not stand by & watch the kids suffer because their mom lost her job!!! It's very hard for anybody to get a job now days. The convenience store near me has over 5,000 applications. Instead of hiring an employee. They close their eyes & pull an application out of the drawer. That person gets to work for 1 day...2 if they're really good. Then they are told they are no longer needed & another application is pulled from the drawer. That person gets to work for 1 day & the process is repeated. At the current rate, they can staff the store for the next 13 years & that is WITHOUT taking any more applications!!! $20 to feed 4 people isn't much...maybe 1 decent meal. Did you go hungry because he gave her the $20??? Was she using him for his money??? Yes, probably. He was probably the ONLY hope she had as few people want to share now days!!! It's really hard for a mother to stand by & let her children go hungry if there is ANY other way!!! Were they having an affair, I seriously doubt it. Of course, the fact that when you said give her up or get out, he chose to leave makes it suspect. My guess is that there are MANY other problems that lead up to this point. Had he been having an affair, he would have never been at home & it would have been MUCH MORE than $20 he was giving her. Has he moved in with her already??? Very few men want to take on a ready-made family with 3 young children. Here you're talking of 8 years before the oldest leaves the nest & 16 years for the youngest. He would have to be slap azz stupid to jump for that bone!!! Is he making it appear that he has had an affair with her??? Absolutely, but I've got the gut instinct that he's NOT!!! I think you 2 need to work on the OTHER problems that are probably MORE important than this woman. I was once married to the King of the Cheaters & I'm not getting the same feeling here.

Understanding your partern is very important,i think the woman took a decision in a hurry and she might have wrong anyway.I strongly believe the man has nothing to do with this woman,just pettying the poor woman.Well,i think he was not working in wisdom either,but things couldn't have been that worse had it been that they understand each other well enough.

I can understand giving her money once, or even twice, but when you gave him the ultimatum he showed his true colors. It isn't just friends. If they were just friends he would have told you she asked for money. He would have invited her and the kids over to your house. He would stop giving her money.

If he's willing to choose 'just a friend', who he hasn't even known that long, over his wife then that sounds very suspicious. Whether he had a different kind of relationship with her or not his choice shows a real lack or respect for you and also shows that he didn't really value your marriage. If I was in the same position I would have offered to help the woman myself with babysitting so she could find another job or occasionally making her and her kids dinner, things like that, but I would draw the line at my husband giving her money or spending a lot of time alone with her. I think that way it would be easy to see if she actually genuinely needed help or just wanted to steal a husband! And if I sensed that she was just using one or both of us that would be it. But to be quite honest that would all really depend on what kind of person she was, so this is really a 'best case' senario.

I feel for you. My husband does the same thing. He hates to see kids go without food though so I understand where he is coming from. I might do the same thing. The only difference is, he doesn't do it if it hurts us. Most of the time it is a "loan", even though he knows he will never get the money back. Good luck to you.

Oh my, do you think he will help his other 'male' colleagues/friends if they need some money? In this case, he seems like to be very picky on who he's going to help. He just met the woman and she's now a part of his obligations. Sorry to say this, Char, but I think there IS something going on between them and he took the fight as a reason to move out. If I were in your shoes, I would be in a rage as well. He has a family to take care of and he's busy doing charity to this woman. I am not saying that helping others in needs is wrong, but it's way too much and he's the one should be more understanding of how it affects your marriage and not you.

WOW. Well, first of all, if my husband ever handed his number out to a woman like that without talking to me first about it, there would be serious consequences. I trust my husband in these types of situations...but other women? No. My issue with your husband doing what he did is not that he gave money to the woman...for all I know he thought he was doing a good deed. My issue is that when you said you were not comfortable with it, the respect that a husband should have for his wife's opinion and feelings (as vice versa) was non-existent. If I told my husband I wasn't comfortable with him doing something, he simply doesn't do it. There was a time I gave my number to a co-worker because I thought of him as a friend and thought maybe my husband (then fiancee), myself, and the co-worker could all go somewhere sometime and become friends. My husband was extremely uncomfortable with this...and said he wouldn't be comfortable if I was friends with this co-worker, because it was obvious the guy was into me. I respected that and told the co-worker we could not be friends outside of work. Sure, the guy was very fun to work with, and we could've been great friends. But what matters more...another could-be friend or my husband's comfort? You were obviously very suspicious of all of this...which I would hope anyone would be, as the woman gave your husband her phone number and expected his back. Whether or not there is anything going on or any harm being done because of this exchange, the fact is, you weren't okay with it. That should be all the reason your husband needs not to continue giving this woman money and to stop picking up the phone when she calls. Of course, then you add the fact that he'd rather move out before stopping communication with this woman...that is the deal breaker for me. Something like that is not acceptable to me. Maybe he thinks giving money to her is a good deed and you're trying to keep him from that. In my opinion, though, I'd rather appear selfish and respect my husband's feelings than help someone and separate from him. That doesn't make sense and is suspicious of itself. Good luck with everything...and update us.

hi Char^^;; with your comments above, you said your husband would help anyone that is in need but if it happens several times with the same person, i think he should've atleast talked with you first before going further so you can really see the honest intention and the reason why is he doing it despite that it's not his responsibility. helping once is good if it's not his duty but successively means something..good thing, you threw him out. that's good for him and for you

I think a married women should also have some independence,this will help to your bed and board.You'd better have a job ,let him fell your charm.

I don't think that you did anything wrong. It is obvious that the woman has her eyes on your husband and I am sure she would sleep with him to get money. Your husband is being generous which is good but not at the expense of his family. I don't fancy helping people like that.

There is a saying 'When you cant fight the enemy join the enemy' which in your case would have been that you went along with your husband's concern for this woman and would have been a part of it. You have forced it on him and all good acts need not be what you have in mind. You still have time. You can use your keyboard and do the undo, delete functions and get back to square one. My wishes are with you.

Char, at the risk of offending you I am going to be brutally honest. Why are you asking this question? Did you ask because you wanted an honest opinion or did you ask because you wanted a "you go girl?" By the way you responded to another poster who pretty much dogged a person they may have never heard of prior to your post (which doesn't really support your suspicions if you trusted this man enough to marry him in the first place) it suggests you prefer that someone else put weight behind a decision that you obviously are not firm about... if you were, you would not have posted here. What's the real reason you gave your husband an ultimatum, and what's the real reason he walked out without a fight? I think these are the things you need to address.

I think you should give him some warns!what he's done just betrays u!