Frustrated
By Ongtina
@ongtina (1232)
Singapore
December 14, 2009 8:23am CST
I'm very angry now. Very angry with my husband. It's already 10 at night but my husband expects to see me busy. He just cannot let me relax sitting watching tv or chatting here on the laptop. It's late and yet he wanted me to cook green beans. Who's going to eat? He wouldn't listen so ok, I cooked. But it isn't enough cos after setting it on the stove, I can go back to my laptop, so he finds yet another matter to get me busy. Spilling water onto the floor and telling me to wipe it clean. Now, why is it that he has to think that seeing me sitting meant that I needn't do anything the whole day? Who did everything in the house then? Must a housewife work 24 hours? I'm not with him outside but I trust he is doing what needed to be done (work). If my attitude is like his, I should be thinking he's sleeping somewhere outside when he says he goes to work. What a jerk.
4 people like this
19 responses
@rosepedal64 (4188)
• United States
15 Dec 09
Hi ongtina
It sounds like to me that he doesn't want you to do something that you want to do. Have you tried just going into the bedroom and laying on the bed to see if he yells at you then to do something. I have a question for you if he came home from work and the housework wasn't done then would he yell at you? I try to equal my time with the hubby here. I try to get on here during the day and then he gets my attention at night. This evening he is watching something on tv that I have no interst in so here I am.
Im not sure that your hubby wants your attention but looks at it that you don't need to have idol time for you. I would return the favor back to him. That might just work when he sees that it ain't right to hollow when you want to relax.
Good luck my dear and hope things work out for you.
Keep smiling.
@ongtina (1232)
• Singapore
15 Dec 09
if he sees me doing housework, he doesn't say anything but if things are done, then he will go naggy. if i'm not doing things i like but just waiting for him, he also have nothing to say , then i'm bored waiting. He just doesn't want to see me doing things I like.
@rosepedal64 (4188)
• United States
15 Dec 09
I was married before and he was some what like that. He didn't like me having friends. It boiled down to the fact that if I had friends then I didn't need his attention all the time. It became a big issue. I would only talk with my friends when he was gone. I think that he wants you to be busy so that way he knows what you are doing is for him.
I wish the best of luck dear and hope that things get better for you.
Keep smiling.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
15 Dec 09
I really cannot understand … your husband makes your slog deliberately! I mean I always thought that such characters existed only in TV soaps…throwing water on the floor and asking the overworked wife to wipe it…OMG don’t you react or snap back? And why is he so cynical?
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
18 Dec 09
Wait....are you serious? He gives you a daily expense and then punishes you by cutting it back if you dare to act out...speak your mind? This is control and it is abusive and demeaning. Is there a reason why you are not able to work other than him not wanting you to?
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
15 Dec 09
You know, this reminds me a fair bit of my ex husband. One of his many complaints about me, was that I "sat around on the loungue all day giving out orders".
As soon as he walked in the house, it was "the bin hasn't been emptied".
I didnt even try to justify whjat I did at home, it just wasnt worth it. At one stage, as soon as I heard his car pull up, I would rush to the kitchen or s9ome other task to look busy.
Never mind that I had done many jobs that day, or I had been up at 4.00 am for my daughters swimming.
I dont have to put up with that s,... anymore. We separated 6 weeks ago.
Maybe you should think about your options.
@Bebs08 (10681)
• United States
15 Dec 09
Oh!! that is terrible!!! Is he really serious to let you do things when he is home? I mean he doesn't want you to have some rest when he is home but keep you do anything?
He just maybe need your attention. Am glad that my hubby is not doing that to me. Every time I am on my computer he will not disturb me, because I prepared his meal when he gets home so, he has nothing to complain about. I even sleep very late than he does, he is always on bed earlier than me because I am on my computer. I sometimes postpone washing plates because I'm on my computer but he doesn't say anything.. hahah I don't know what's in his mind but I did my work anyway, after am done in my computer.. hehehe I hope everything will be ok with you and your hubby.
@Bebs08 (10681)
• United States
15 Dec 09
Now I see!! your hubby don't want you to be on your com when he is home because he wants your attention. If you will be with him instead in your computer maybe he will not let you do anything but just to attend to him, like talking, sweet moments with him..hehehe that's what he wants.
@ongtina (1232)
• Singapore
15 Dec 09
I also do my things but he just doesn't like me on my com. Yours very nice, but don't neglect him. My hubby's ok if i'm not on the com, maybe he felt he is working very hard and don't like to see me having it so easy, having time to enjoy makes him feel he's working and I'm enjoying only.
1 person likes this
@themdno (402)
• United States
15 Dec 09
That's not cool, your husband shouldn't expect you to work all the time. Personally, if I spilled some water, I wouldn't let anybody else clean it up for me. Unless I was in a hurry to leave or something, I always want to do these things myself. I don't feel right when other people do little things that I could take care of myself.
Don't get me wrong, it's no big deal if somebody does something to help me out, but I will almost always try to do things myself before anyone can do it for me.
It sounds like he thinks you work for him or something. If I were you, I would act exactly the same way to him about stuff in the yard or something. Make sure he is constantly working, and see how it feels, haha.
@ongtina (1232)
• Singapore
16 Dec 09
So that's what I did with a little talk back at him ( although action wise , I still did what he said ). And for that, the daily expense had been cut down to half and even a third. He gives on a daily basis instead of monthly. Perhaps he has difficulties these few days, but quite often he had said we (me and my sons) should attend to him as first priority since we depend on him. (Sigh)Financial freedom is important.
@allknowing (136096)
• India
15 Dec 09
You need to develop love for each other and when that happens he will not bother about how busy or otherwise you are. So what plans do you have to start the ball rolling which will ensure that he will start looking at you in a more affectionate way rather than as a warden?
@allknowing (136096)
• India
16 Dec 09
You will have to go slow but gradually I am sure things will work for you and you will be the most loving couple in the world!!
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
22 May 10
My husband doesn't expect me to do things like you are saying, but he will ask me to bake cookies at 10 p.m. even when I was working outside of the home, but when he is working he will be in the chair asleep by 8 p.m. He does little around the house and gets mad when I ask him too do anything extra. I am tired of it too and after 16 years, you would think that I would know better. I love him, but we have some big arguments over all of this.
@ongtina (1232)
• Singapore
27 May 10
Actually, the love IS there. It's just that after so many years of marriage, we are all just tired and "bored". Letting out steam is okay, just remember not to overdo it. Then, have a little change in our own attitude and put in some tenderness and whoala, the sky is lovely again. heeheehee
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
18 Dec 09
Hi there ONgtina,Stories like yours make my blood start boiling. Your husband would not like me at all. You may be a housewife but you are his WIFE...not his slave or servant!!! What seems to be lacking here is the respect. I'm guessing that you are home all day taking care of the home and his needs? Are there children? It really doesn't matter. You staying home must have been the agreement that the two of you made. right? I'm sorry but if he spilled water, I may offer to help him clean it up...probably would but if he spilled the water and then demanded me to clean it up???? Oh no...that would not happen. Nobody should work 24hrs per day and no one should tolerate being treated with such disrespect. How long have you been living like this? Is he always like this?
@ongtina (1232)
• Singapore
19 Dec 09
I'm married 20 years, with 4 children, one an autistic. Before marriage, it's do business as husband and wife but after mariage, it's stay ome for the children and that drags 20 years. He's not all bad cos he's responsible. When I do't clash head on with him but is the gentle silent obedient lady at the back, he's loving too. Well, I guess I just need to let out steam.
@lyzabelle (1668)
• Philippines
15 Dec 09
Omg...your situation is no different to that of a slave.
I'm so sorry I really feel you are having difficulty right now.
I'm not married yet but if it's the way marriage work then I will not
marry at all. I don't like other people telling me to do every minute.
I must say being a wife is not a fun job at all. How I wish your husband will
realize someday that you are his wife and not his slave. He must respect you
because you deserve it.
@ongtina (1232)
• Singapore
16 Dec 09
Married isn't fun and being a wife isn't too. But don't let what's happening here affect you. You will do things for love. Love is great. There are also nice things in marriage. I can also say my husband's working hard and supporting me and my children all by himself and that's doing out of love. ???
@celebratelifeh (1142)
• China
15 Dec 09
well. how could your husband did that Spilling water onto the floor and telling you to wipe it clean. did you do that ? that's out of question to me and i think you'd better try to know why he even like to let you busy instead of let you sit down with the laptop and chatting here.
@bingchen (1119)
• China
15 Dec 09
whether do you communicate with your husband for this thing?i can understand your borement.i find that it is unfair to do like that,everybody have his free time to do what you want,if you always do like that,you feel tired,so you should communicate with your husband,i think that it is good way to deal with unhappy thing.
@Godmother (476)
• Indonesia
15 Dec 09
Why don't you turn the day upside down ? Why not have fun all day while he's working, and leave all the dirty work to do when he comes home ? I know it's not easy to see all the dirty things piled up for a whole day, but you'll get used to it, and hopefully, he does too.
@ruchimom (280)
• Australia
15 Dec 09
Hey
Don't worry,This is a common situation with me too.
My husband is so used to living in a neat and clean house,home cooked meals that think I have spoiled him by keeping the standards so high.
When this happens with me I just gie up as I don't want any arguements in front of my kids,
But I do plan to straigten him up once I start working
So,I think speak up for yourself sometimes because it is we woman to are always VICTIMS.because we don't speak up against injustice
@ongtina (1232)
• Singapore
16 Dec 09
Right, speak up but like what you say, I've to start working first. I'm tied cos of younger children but when my eldest had worked, he took every cent of the salary and gave on daily basis (a little more than the salary when added to a month). He also laughed at my son and said he can earn the salary in a day or two but which took my son a month. My son stopped working and didn't want to work anymore. I know it will also happen to me if and when I work.
@Lostinloveanddancing (100)
• United States
15 Dec 09
I think that you need to think about finding someone who makes you happy. It seems like you're in an overly controlling relationship and are very unhappy. It's not right for him to downplay you like he is,maybe one day you should not do any house work and just sit back and see his reaction. Maybe he can learn not to push you so hard and that you're actually helping him by cleaning the house.
@ongtina (1232)
• Singapore
16 Dec 09
He's my first and only love. My life is rather blank, a blank page. But I don't think of finding other, it's not right.?? I'm not only a maid here, I'm also a tution teacher(for my 3 children), a special need teacher(for my 1 autistic child), an office clerk(for his work) and a wife at bed. HA HA but not very appreciated or properly rewarded.
@skipper9 (51)
•
15 Dec 09
I really hope you get things sorted. Does he know how bad he makes you feel? Have your tried talking to hime about it? If he doesn't listen keep trying. It is not just men who are bad. A female friend of mine drove her partner to a breakdown. She was horrible to him. Get it sorted as you do not want to end up in a bad way.
@lindiebiz (1006)
• Canada
15 Dec 09
Hi know how you feel, it can be really frustrating, most men don't know that house work is not easy, tell him to take it easy nobody can work round the clock.
@AmberRain (59)
• United States
14 Dec 09
I agree and understand. I take care of the kids and the house all day. He knows that I want everything done by 8pm so I can watch some tv. Where are my clothes, is my lunch packed, are the dishes done. Yeah yeah yeah leave me alone. I don't go to bed till 11 or 12 most nights and get up at 5 when he gets up for work. But he is the one that falls asleep before 8. "I worked hard all day" Yeah well you get 2 days off and you get to talk to other people. I don't leave the house except to go to the store and I always have a kid with me. It is putting stress on my our relationship and after 10 years I am ready to tell him to take a hike. I feel I deserve to be happy too!!!
@ongtina (1232)
• Singapore
15 Dec 09
Hey, that's what's happening to me too. I'm always with the kids, not a minute off. He can go as when he pleases. And if he's tired, can't even listen but if he wanted someone to listen, we have to drop everything and be his audience. OMG, I've gone 20 years.!!
@hoodwinks (157)
• United States
14 Dec 09
ongtina, have to say that is not cool, how you have to fetch when told. I am a husband with three kids, my wife works because she makes more money then I would. so I stay home with the kids so she can work. I don't expect her to bow down to me nor does she expect me to do it. maybe he thinks you are talking to someone online and having a secret relationship, not saying you are. which I bet you are just online for the entertainment. and if he knows little about computers that may lead him to feel and think like that. maybe you should talk to him about how you feel and ask him that you want some things to change and don't be afraid to speak your mind.
@ongtina (1232)
• Singapore
15 Dec 09
It's true he knows little about computers and he's thinking like what you said. I've tried telling and guess what he said? That I am like a "chicken", talking to people I don't know online and he said we are chatting s--(you know). Although I told him that's not what we do and he knows it's not me, he said now no but soon will.
@lilangelspreschool (1129)
• United States
22 Jul 10
I go through the same thing. They must think we sit around all day and do nothing. It drives me crazy too. I have 3 kids to take care of, I sit in my house all day and look at the same walls with no one to talk to and he thinks he has it tough??? When he get's home I don't get a break, it's one more person to take care of, like another child! The last thing I need is another person to take care of! I thought it was just me but a lot of men seem to be like this. It's sad.
