Somebody wrongs you, do you feel annoyed with his friends and family?
By vanny
@vandana7 (100619)
India
December 16, 2009 12:24am CST
I am talking about prejudices. How far would you carry them? Are you able to confine it the person who's been nasty to you, or do you cut of his/her entire group of friends and relatives. I am like that. I try to be different. But invariably, I notice some flaws which, under normal circumstances, I would not have noticed. I want to know if you all are any different.
2 people like this
15 responses
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
16 Dec 09
If someone wrongs me, I won't feel annoyed with the friends and family. I would treat every individual differently, like accordingly. I mean, the person whom has wronged me; their family members do not do anything to me, so I don't think there's any reason for me to get annoyed with them ever. As for the person whom has wronged me, I won't even do anything back to them; like exacting revenge and stuff like that. No point in doing that, and I will not do it. Good topic here.. 
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@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
18 Dec 09
I like the term you used there, vandana.. friends during the fair weather. In my experience, I do have lots of these types of friends and they sometimes make me disappointed, but I tend not to show it, because when you show it, sometimes they think that you are just trying to find their faults and they would say something like friends should be forgiving and blah3x. So, I've been in that position before, and I say to myself nowadays to err is human and the best is for me to ignore. I am like you too last time, but I've put on my thinking caps and said that I'm not going to waste my time finding fights, and eventually my hurt would be ignored and the person would scream Murder..something like that. Not in the literal sense though. So, this is what I tend to behave now and it works for me so far because I tend to have a peaceful life and out-take and I just ignore those friends whom are the fair weather types. Like I could fall, get injured and it hurts. And after sometime, the pain won't be there, but the scar is. I put it in a way like I can forgive, but I can't forget. We are the same, in that sense. Once bitten, and twice shy. However, only in certain special circumstance, would I save the situation if the person is really worth it. Good topic you have here. Hope to see you around more in the lot with more awesome ones.
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
18 Dec 09
Ah Zed, I think I am going to enjoy this massacre now. LOL. A. Well now we get down to specifics, if you found one of your friends being troubled, would you chicken out like these friends of fair weather or stand up in defense of the wronged? B. How far would you allow a friend or relative to trouble you? I mean where do you draw lines before you say enough is enough I dont want to be anywhere near you.
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
17 Dec 09
Thanks zed for the compliment. :) Now, this is a hypothetical question please answer this if you feel inclined to. You have four friends. One of them is extremely nasty (ok - physically beats you up to get a realistic feel of the situation) to you. Others just watch. Two of them come to calm you, and two turn towards the other. After sometime, they resume the friendship, as if nothing happened. Would you be able to accept them? I would not. This is because I expect my friends to side the right, and this would be true even if I am wrong. :) I'd be very hurt if my friends continued to be friends with the other friend now foe even after learning that I'd been subjected to such ill-treatment. I'd think, if a person who cannot take my side when I am wronged, then he or she is just a friend of fair weather. :) Likewise, if any of my friends is wronged, I would risk losing friendship by standing up for right. This is because I would think, hey today it is Zed, tomorrow it could be me! So this person has to realize that he or she is wrong otherwise his friendship is not worth cultivating. That is how I think. :)
@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
16 Dec 09
Hi vandana!
At the first instance I would not befriend those persons, against whom I have some prejudices so question of axing their entire group, in case they behave in an odd fashion would be minimal. Even then if someone behaves in a nasty manner, in the beginning I would restrict my dealings with that person only, because others in his/her group or his/her family members or his/her relatives are not responsible for his/her wrongs, so why should they be punished. However, if the rift continues or his/her friends/relatives take his/her side only, I may think of breaking relations with the entire group.
At the first instance I would not befriend those persons, against whom I have some prejudices so question of axing their entire group, in case they behave in an odd fashion would be minimal. Even then if someone behaves in a nasty manner, in the beginning I would restrict my dealings with that person only, because others in his/her group or his/her family members or his/her relatives are not responsible for his/her wrongs, so why should they be punished. However, if the rift continues or his/her friends/relatives take his/her side only, I may think of breaking relations with the entire group.
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@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
16 Dec 09
For you, it would be better to cut off the past ties, there are not going to do any good to you.
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
16 Dec 09
And it is natural that the family members will take their side. They are bound by relationships, aren't they? Nobody comes to the front and says my mother was wrong, or my father was wrong, or my brother was wrong, or my sister was wrong, or my daughter was wrong, or my son was wrong. Yes, a wife will feel happy enough saying her mother-in-law was wrong, or her sister-in-law was wrong. But other than that, there is little support and what in moral science would be termed as "repair the harm done as far as possible". Funny, people who wronged me carry prejudice that I could prove them wrong in front of ten people! LOL. So, would you have proved them wrong in front of ten, when they've tried to portray you as wrong person in front of ten people?
@balasri (26537)
• India
26 Jan 10
I can say that this is a very good discussion.This clearly makes one to analyze himself how matured he is in his judgment of the individuals.I for one do not blame the family of friends of the person who annoyed me as I know the individual's folly is not the collective response of the people among whom he is living with.
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
27 Jan 10
While it is true that family may not be responsible, but I do feel they should be taking a stand against the wrong. In our part of the world we call it "Mouname angikaram", which means silence signifies acceptance. Therefore, family would've accepted the wrong! Does is not signify indifference towards me? If so, why associate with such people? :)
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
28 Jan 10
Exactly. That is why I cannot move with people who have finally understood my stand. Even though they have realized their mistake, it would serve as a constant reminder of how flawed / biased their judgment has been and can be, and I cannot trust them again. :)
@vandana7 (100619)
• India
16 Dec 09
Kala, people do gang up. They tend to believe one person, without giving other a fair chance. I feel that influences many of their subsequent actions, which get recorded in my mind. I am unable to forgive them all because of taking decision on issues without adequate thinking. I feel relationships are like chinaware. If a cup is falling, it shouldnt matter whose hand drops it, everybody should react to pick it up. If they fail, they are as good as non existent.
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@kalav56 (11464)
• India
16 Dec 09
Don't I know it? I know very well how people can gang up against someone.It is very painful and I agree wholeheartedly with you that once a relationship is broken it is difficult to mend it.People must take preventive measures.I always keep saying that relationship needs maintenance and repair and fairness of approach.Even between parents and children there should be no bias and there must be objectivity.I have also noticed that many things get spoilt due to some odd sort of expectations and"taking for granted"s.All people are quite selfcentred and we should follow the same principle.Altruistic notions do not work. I have arrived at the conclusion that there needs to be a bit of detachment in any issue.
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@vijayanths (7877)
• India
16 Dec 09
I think I will cut the relationship with the one who has been nasty to me. Others won't bother me at all.
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
16 Dec 09
What if others are/were your friends, and have continued to be friendly with other person holding "how does it concern me" attitude? Does such a friend or relative still qualify to be your friend? Rather do you still have time to spare for such a person in your life? You did say I surprise you. Well, here I am. :)
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
16 Dec 09
vandana. You have many faces all are interesting though, hahaha.
Well, let me explain it with an example.
Your friend some X is nasty with me, ok. But you are my good friend. You have nothing against me, why should I cut your friendship?
It depends on how nasty your friend is towards me, how close you are with your friend,how close you are with me ......
I am waiting for more pleasant surprises,
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
16 Dec 09
Ah vijayanths, if my friend is nasty towards you, I would object! That is hundred percent sure. :) Ask sailor above. I cant stand nastiness. :) So, however close I am to a friend, if he or she does something that I think is difficult for me to digest (that which I wouldnt like another to do to me), I am most certainly likely to react! As to my many faces, I hope you dont mean a split personality. LOL. I am most certainly not. LOL.
@aadi_87 (347)
• India
16 Dec 09
Hello!!
My first response to your started discussion :),hope we fight it out here too lol :).M not the one who holds grudges against someone and thankfully I have got very nice people around me who have never been bad to me.I haven't experienced such things as yet.Nasty,I would say that my friends are nasty especially with me as they constantly tease me about my looks as I don't look my age and look very kiddish :( but they do it for fun so I never give it a serious thought as they ain't bad to me.As per your discussion if someone in the future gets nasty with me or do something bad to me,instead of breaking off the ties with him/her I would rather confront the person and try to talk with them about the reason for doing that thing.I would try to reason out with the supposed person and try to gauge if I had been wrong somewhere that would have hurt him for taking such a step against me.If he/she has done it purposely and m not at fault I would sever ties with that person but I can't say the same about his/her family.If the family too supports his deed and ain't trying to reconcile I would stop talking to them as well as be indifferent to that particular person.M not as mature as you but I think you should try to reason out with the person before severing the relations as it can be a case of misunderstanding as well and once a fight ensues in family relations they are hard to reconcile.I hope m right and you agree with you :)
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
17 Dec 09
Hi aadi, my this discussion, though based on me, is to encourage people to consider that there may be other side of the story as well. When injury is to an extreme, suppose somebody kills somebody very dear, or has tormented somebody very dear to me, then it is very likely that such prejudices develop. And under such circumstances it is difficult to befriend any child, even a baby, from that household, even though that baby is perfectly innocent. And personally, if we are three friends, and if one of them wrongs the other, I would definitely object. It is not taking side of the friend. Rather, it is taking side of the right, and being a true friend. Definitely, I would consider, if this person can harm that friend, then tomorrow it is my turn. Ditto for relatives. Therefore, if I am wronged, I would expect my friends to rise up to the occasion, rather move away as if it is none of their business. Any such friend is just a friend of fair weather. Dont you think? If so, what difference does it make if I have such a friend or not. This is my opinion, you may or may not find it agreeable, as usual. :)
@aadi_87 (347)
• India
17 Dec 09
Hi!!
What you are saying maybe right,I haven't experienced any such things in my life so I can't say about how would I react to the situation if it ever occurs with me.Since you have went through such an experience you would be right in what you are doing.M too immature to comment on this topic,I guess m not fit for this discussion and don't want to comment on things which m not aware of.You can understand the condition of a 22 year old boy,I have to experience life yet I feel :).Since you believe in what you are doing is right then it must be right for sure :).
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@Buchi_bulla (8298)
• India
16 Dec 09
If one commits mistake, why should his group or relatives be punished for that? I will not ignore the people around him. That way I try to be good to this person also, thinking that he will realise his mistake. If he is incorrigible, then I will keep a distance from that person.
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
16 Dec 09
Now I am in a better position to answer that after going through all the responses, including the one below your discussion box. :) Well, if his group remains silent at any wrong being done to me, then that is not a set of my well-wisher at all! If there is some opposition to the bad behavior, then and only then can I say that person is worth associating with. But inaction is as good as action of an accomplice in such case, according to me. What do you think?
@yugasini (12893)
• Secunderabad, India
16 Dec 09
hi vandana madam,
i am the first person to react on the persons,the persons misbehavior i does not like and still i left two persons in my friends list since 20 years,mostly i ignore their mistakes and accept friendship but some times,i will not do like that,that is my and human mentality,have a nice day
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
16 Dec 09
I agree. Each of us has a specific type of mentalty. We are all special. Because we are different, we make life interesting. Yugasini, you dont have to feel guilty about anything, and you dont have to ignore mistakes either. In fact, you dont have to tolerate another person's mistakes at all! Tolerance in nature should be called up when it is for social good, not for making or keeping friends or relationsips.
@bingchen (1119)
• China
17 Dec 09
i dont do like that.i find that his friends and family could not do wrong to me.why i have this mind to cut of his entir group of friends and family?i think that it isnt reasonal,as person,they need live in group,not alone in his owned life,i find that this make myself more alone,i have same experience and cut of his entire group,i find that i do wrong,some of them are kind to me.
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
17 Dec 09
Hi Bingchen, I feel if the friend or family does not oppose the wrong then it is their silent acquiescence with the wrong. Likewise, if any of my friend were to be troubled by another friend, I would stand up for the right. If the friends or relatives are silent on wrong, there is a "what have I got to do with this" attitude. This means, they dont care for me! If they dont care for me, why should I? It is better to come to sense rather than keep on trying to compromise on personal values. I feel that way, may be you could highlight. And kindness is still not good enough for me.
@msfrancisco9369 (10002)
• Boston, Massachusetts
16 Dec 09
Hi Vandana,
I am only concern about the person who did wrong to me. if there is any chance of meeting or talking to her friends and family -- it will be a good venue for me to understand her fully. i will have a better knowledge why she or he is like that or the extreme opposite of the people around her/him. friends and families not involved in the misunderstanding or whatever trouble happened. if they involve themselves then it's a different story and i will not let them do me another wrong did. NO WAY!
@vandana7 (100619)
• India
16 Dec 09
Exactly msfrancisco. If they support the wrong even by inaction, they dont get to remain in my life. :) If and only if they stand up against it, as in the case cited by thea, would I consider continuing with their friendship. :) You gave me the correct insight. :) I was not able to pinpoint why I didnt really want them in my life. :) But with your response, and thea's input, it struck me like a lightening. This is it. This is the reason I dont want them. :) Thanks a lot.
@Baluyadav (3643)
• India
16 Dec 09
hi,vandana,If i am in that situation,first analuse the version of other friends and relation to him/her that they are blindly suporting him/her..then come to conclusion whether i have move in which direction.Because it is not worth enough to avoid all because of one nasty fellow...
There are incidents that their relation and friends also supporting us and agree that the fault is with their girl/boy...
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
16 Dec 09
Well I do analyze, I take my own time to condemn! But when I condemn it is just like Queen Elizabeth I sending Mary the Queen of Scotts to gallows. No further - appeal, no apologies, nothing more is ever acceptable. It just goes away like a limb. I am glad though that you rationalize. Just wanted you to know there are people like me around. :)
@calai618 (1773)
• Philippines
17 Dec 09
When somebody does me wrong, I try hard not to extend my hurtings to any other person other than that person. I feel it would be unfair to other people if they would be dragged to whatever problems I and that person are having. Having said that, I also expect that whoever has anything against me wouldnt include my family or friends in it. If we have a problem, then it should remain to only the two of us.
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
17 Dec 09
Would you say the same of a terrorist's family if that terrorist hurt you? This is just a hypothetical question ok? I am just trying to check whether people understand others walking away from some situations. :) Of course, everybody tries to be rational - most of the time, by giving other a fair chance. But it is not always possible. At times, the other person is genuinely wrong! So do you stand up for a friend who is unfairly hurt or do you avoid unpleasantness for yourself by acting as an outsider to the issue. Likewise, would you've liked one of the friends to stand up against the errant friend siding you? I'd be interested in knowing how you feel about this.
@roger_nautilus (335)
• Philippines
17 Dec 09
well, I'm not the kind of person who keeps anger for so long. One minute I'm angry with the person and after few minutes, it wil just evaporate.
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
17 Dec 09
Hi Roger_nautilus, :) Normally, we all adjust to small slights, which are often unintentional. We try to understand our friends and relatives. May they didnt have cell, they couldnt come because they had guests, and so on. But when issues are of a serious nature, as I was citing elsewhere in the discussion, if a friend turns out to be a terrorist, and if this terrorist kills your dear family member, would you be able to forgive the rest of his family members, or even his friends? Do you have limits on pain and extent to which you'd severe relations? And would you be able to keep your mind open to understand why another person walked out from such a situation. Do you ever side a friend who has been wrong, against your own family member, or against another friend, whom you like very much, just because there has been some injustice. I want to know how you'd feel if things were such.
@SCStepney (15)
• United States
16 Dec 09
Okay, I'm going to be very honest here. I try not to cut off their family and friends. However nastiness does come from somewhere. If I start thinking deely about it, I might think that person whole family is like that and thats where they got it from. Friends may have a little more leadway. Some may not see the nasty part so I won't write them off as quick. However it is hard to differentiate people from who they associate with.
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
17 Dec 09
Hi SCStepney, under normal circumstances what you say is absolutely right! In fact, you are the only one who said that friends/relatives "may not see the nasty part so I won't write them off as quick". Well, let us presume your friend sees that nasty party and still tries to make it harmonious expecting you to compromise and not the other friend to apologize. Wouldn't that hurt you? Would you still consider that person as friend? If your friend says leave it that person is like that only - he will calm down after sometime, wouldnt you think he / she is taking the easy way out? Personally, I could never stand unfair treatment to any of my friends. So I would take the risk of losing one friend to save another. This is because the person who is being unfair today to this person can be unfair to me tomorrow. Period. Therefore, such a friendship is not worth cultivating. Of course, it sounds too abrupt. And it would hurt. Nevertheless, that would be my stand. Would you be revising or adding anything to this? Your opinion on this comment is most welcome. :)
@thea09 (18305)
• Greece
16 Dec 09
Hi vandana, each person is an individual and if you cut yourself off from one person it is no reason to lose their friends or family too. It's as simple as that to me. If an actual falling out or split occured between two people then I would expect the friends and family around to be too mature to start taking sides.
@thea09 (18305)
• Greece
16 Dec 09
vandana, I've just read your comments in box 4 about no one standing up and saying their close relatives were wrong and I can't disagree with you more strongly on that. Rather recently a woman said something rather thought and nasty to me. The family members heard of it from the person who was with me at the time. I refused to let her husband apologise to me on her behalf when he heard what she had said, as he had done nothing whatsoever wrong and was not responisble for what she said though naturally was embarassed, but what she said is no reason to become between the friendship we have. Her mother in law was totally disgusted and insisted we have coffee together. Her brother in law also stood by me and was disgusted by what had been said. I am not a confrontational person and was shocked to be spoken to like that in the first place but no way would I consider any of these 3 family members less to me than they were before. Her own husband was particularly angry about what happened. So we really cannot include other people than the individual when we have a grievance.
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@thea09 (18305)
• Greece
16 Dec 09
Vandana my dear, have you been letting a bad relationship fester like this for 30 years. Obviously if a whole clan behaved to you badly then you should cut them off, I was just saying that apart from recently it is not something I encountered and the family there behaved as I would expect from them. If there had been any question of it being otherwise then they would not have been who I thought they were and I would not continue to have them in my life.
The outburst I was subjected to rankled me for several weeks but made me no less close to the rest of them who were 100% disgusted with what had been said and totally supportive of me. I couldn't imagine something being of such consequence to me for 30 years though. I hope you had good support from somewhere.
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@vandana7 (100619)
• India
16 Dec 09
In your case, the husband of the lady, and her mother in law stood against their family member, in my case, it was the entire family standing together even though each one knew they were wrong. Eventually, I succeeded in proving that they were wrong (with a little help from god). Unfortunately, I had to do it in front of several friends, absolutely logically, no harsh words, just expose them with their own words, like a lawyer. I should be gloating over it. But no, I cant. It is me who has been the bad girl for almost 30 years, so it is part of my life that is lost.:( Funny thing is there is little repentance. Even though friends have all agreed who was at fault and told them in no uncertain terms. I felt even friends should have used their common sense instead of believing the c*ck and bull stories. Oh! I understand, we all are too busy to analyze another person's problems. Somehow my intellect and heart are in conflict on this. Presence of the same friends is a reminder that they were not there when I needed them.:( Have you ever experienced such things? So though I know there is some goodwill for me in this friend circle, I am choosing to walk out.
