He beat her up and she took him back!!!
By Qtpienyouri
@Qtpienyouri (35)
United States
December 17, 2009 12:52am CST
At this moment i am so upset i can hardly stand it! A very good friend of mine has a boyfriend that abuses her. Physical and mental. We just found out this summer that this has been going on. For the most part i think she was ashamed and couldnt tell people. When i asked her why she didnt tell me, she said, "I didnt want you to be mad at him. I talked it over with her and tried to get her and him to go get therapy. They both thought it wasnt a good idea. Months go by and i think everything is ok. The other day she called me at 2am to come and pick her up. He had threw her down and slapped her acouple of times.I was furious!!!!! I went to get her and of course she was upset.I was fixing to call the police and she didnt want that. She did stay with me a couple of days and i finally talked her into to just talking to a professional about everything. She wanted to move in with me until she could get on her feet and i thought that was a good idea. I received a text that she was going back to him and they were going to work things out. I couldnt believe it,i was in shock! So i dont understand why she thinks that being beat is all she deserve. I'm trying to be a friend and understand,he has taken all her family and friends away. He doesnt work, and has been unfaithful in many cases. This is the topper, the same day she went back, she called me at 11pm to come to get her again. I was like this is it, i'm calling the police. When i got there,he was there and she made excuse after excuse for him. The police couldnt do anything because she said he didnt hit her. They had a heated arguement that was out of control. I ask her what do you need me here for? Her reply was I Dont know. At this point I am so done with her. I'm so upset with her i cant answer her calls and want reply to her text. I love her dearly and if something happened to her it would devaste me. How can i help her if she doesnt want help.
4 people like this
12 responses
@youless (112586)
• Guangzhou, China
17 Dec 09
I have to say that I don't understand why your friend won't break up with her boyfriend. It won't be too late. At least they are not married yet. She still has many chances to find someone better. I can't stand that men will beat women. It is too bad. He has treated her so badly, I don't know why she doesn't leave him? I can't see any reasons to love a man like this. It doesn't make a sense. She must leave this man. She won't be happy with him in the future. I hope she can make the right decision as soon as possible.
I love China
1 person likes this
@Qtpienyouri (35)
• United States
18 Dec 09
The ball is in her court. I am going to continue to be her friend and try to support her to the best of my knowledge. We had along talk today and i think that things could possible be fixed. Lets pray that this works. Thanks
@SangsTurks (1444)
• India
17 Dec 09
Situation like this are so so helpless, you know your friend is in trouble but you cannot bail her out of it.. i bet it makes you feel so sick in the head and heart. I know it would hurt you, but since she dosn't want to get out of that miserable situation there is nothing that you can do about it. Even if you inform the police of a domestic abuse, your friend would consider you responsible for sending her boyfriend to jail! So, it always better to back off when you see that the other dosn't want to take your help (even thought we all would like her to stop suffering), just let her be till she realises that life is more than just getting slapped and beaten by boyfriends. But do keep checking on her, so that she dosn't take drastic measures to come out of her misery without letting anybody know of it.
@Qtpienyouri (35)
• United States
17 Dec 09
Thanks for the advice, i really need to hear that. I will call her and let her know i am still here for her as a friend. I just hope that things work for the best for them both. I was feeling quilty because i turned my back and just reading your respone made me feel alot better. Thanks
1 person likes this
@jen_n514 (218)
• Philippines
18 Dec 09
I guess the only thing that you can do for your friend is just be there for her. Don't turn your back to her this is the best time to be a friend to her. She knows what she's doing - you may be upset to her because she doesn't want to follow your pieces of advice or even listen to what your saying but just be there for her!
Don't worry someday she'll also realize that she don't deserve the treatment that she's getting to her partner. Some people wants to do their way they don't want to be dictated may be she's one of those people..so let her be. I know its hard to see a friend suffering but what can we do she herself doesn't want to help herself..
Don't ignore her calls, text her back..don't let her feel she's alone. People like that wants attention and this is not the right time to leave her. Let her feel that your still there for her but also let her know also that you are not comfortable with her situation - but despite of that you're still her friend no matter what!
@goldeneagle (6745)
• United States
20 Dec 09
As a former law enforcement officer, I can tell you that this situation happens more than you would believe that it does. I don't know why women let this happen to them. I have seen situations where the husband beat the crap out of the wife, and she would be down at the jail to bail the husband out literally BEFORE the officers had the husband "booked" into the jail. He would be out of jail within a couple of hours. Unfortunately, it is usually not long before he beats her again, and she will be right back down there to bail him out again. It makes no sense to me.
@srganesh (6340)
• India
22 Dec 09
Some people are like that.They blame about their relationship but not brave enough to come out of it.Is she working to earn their bread(the husband is not working,as you have told) or the husband have some assets from which money comes out?If she can stand on her own legs,then advice her strongly to come out.But if she is adamant to continue,then accept that she has a mental block which is social for most girls.All you can do is just empathize her.
@happy6162 (3001)
• United States
18 Dec 09
She love her boyfriend and wants to believe he will change but by the sound of it that will never happen. Right now there is nothing you can do to help her if she wants to be with him. She has to decide that she is tired of being abuse and leave him once and for all. All you can do is be there if and when she finally realizes that she does not desire to be abuse by her boyfriend and finally calls the police and presses charges against him.
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
17 Dec 09
Qtpienyouri,
I think it is important for you to understand the mentality of all battered women so that you will know how to help and support them.
As you have mentioned in your post that your friend is conscious with how others look at her and she is feeling out of sorts. This is usually what most women would feel after the initial shock, then comes the insecurity, inferiority complex and loss of personal identity and integrity. This is also the reason why she is so easily persuaded to return to her oppressor when he appears remorseful with false assurances that there would not be a repeat.
So, as a friend, the most important thing is to isolate her from her boyfriend the moment she is abused. If she is unwilling to go to the police, at least, bring her to the doctors to have her fully examined and that a record be asked for separately for personal keepsake. This is to be brought up when she decides to file for her abuse or separation or divorce.
As for counseling, I feel that she should seek individual counseling first. So that she recognize this battery problem and know how to react. Most importantly, to regain back her confidence and understanding of herself to handle the future of herself and the relationship.
Don't be confuse along with her perplexities. Be patient and willing to understand her even when she makes decisions that you simply cannot understand at all.
Take care and have a nice day.
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
18 Dec 09
I dont understand why battered women think they deserve to get beaten and why they dont know when to leave or get professional help.The fact of the matter is many dont realise that these men have a disease and neep to be treated for it .My mother was a battered woman and she kept thinking that my father would change and to date he hasnt changed and will never change
@dmrone (746)
• United States
17 Dec 09
Hi! Well, the truth is you can't help her until she is ready to help herself. It will take her being alone, to find out that she deserves better and for her to make up her mind that she is the only one who can change it. The more you push her to change the more she is going to pull away from you. Give her some time and let her know when she is ready to make a change for herself that you will be there for her, but that you can't keep running to her every call or text. Let her know that you love her and only wish her the best, but that she is going to have to want to change the way things are now. That is all you can do. Remember she has to make up her mind to change the way things are, that you can't do it for her.
@mkings (289)
• Germany
18 Dec 09
All I can say is that she is in love,If she really wants help then she will go for it if not she will stay wiyj that guy and enjoy beating.There is nothing you can do apart to give advise and what you give the advuse and something happens at the end she will blame you from taking her from the person that love and cared for her by dhowing it by beating her its quite a had situation but you have to be very careful when giving her any advise and select your words well.
@calai618 (1773)
• Philippines
17 Dec 09
this is also a puzzler for me. I think love and attachment has become stronger than selflove. also, girls have the tendency to cling on to guys who are not too "nice" because a lot of them believe (And would want) that they would be the one to make the guy better. I hope i dont get into such abusive situations. i think if i would decide to cling on to an abusive relationship, it will not only be me who suffer but also the people around who cares so much about me.
@applegal (2)
• Singapore
17 Dec 09
I think the only thing u can do is to keep consuelling her and be offer her ur support at all times.
Most ppl who get abused are not in a clear state of mind as they r also sufferin emotionally, some may even think that they had done sth causin their partner to hit them due to the great love they ve for tehm, thus the intense emotions.
AS u ve said in ur post, ur fren has been seperated from her family n frens thus i believe she depends alot on her bf emotionally, tat explains the return despite being ill-treated.
I wish u luck and all the best to ur fren n hope that she will be able to find in in her to accept ur help n walk out of this absusive r/s
