give in and go with the flow

We have the same problem here with the computer. My husband thinks that I am fooling around, but he does not understand that I also use it to make a little extra money. He also wants to control what I can buy and now since he is dying, is making sure of it by fixing up the handicapped van he needs to get around = well a friend is having it done in a body shop. You have also a bossy husband, but he does not have a reason for not helping or doing things himself. My husband would love to fix things - he is mechanically inclined, me I am the opposite, but it hurts when a man can do things and is so dammed lazy to do it. Do you know someone like your father or his father who can give him a dressing down and tell him to get off of his butt? Oh and you should be able to do things for yourself and have your own way in things, but with a bossy husband, it is harder to do because they will not listen to us, So the only way is to get another man that they will not mind taking orders from like older male relative or maybe the pastor or priest of your church.

Hi, ongtina: I don't think you are asking for advice. I think you are venting. As one who has been married for 40+ years,I recognize the signs. You love your husband and there are times when you love that "dominating, take charge attitude" of his because you feel safe and cared for. At other times, you could put your hands around his neck and strangle him until he stops breathing. hahaha Every one that has been married for any period of time has been there. For me, the rule is to pick my battles. In a marriage, each of you needs to be able to breath and be whole. At the same time, you need each other. You will not do everything that he likes and he will not do everything that you like. Sometimes it is a matter of accepting someone for who they are. If he is by nature a strong personality but not cruel, you may want to let him be Mr. Macho and pump him up. He will love you all the more for it. sometimes you can tame a wild beast with a soft voice and a little food in the hand. You know what I mean. If he is cruel and you feel abused, then run for the nearest exit. Do not even look back. Weigh the good and the bad in your marriage. You say there are things he wants you to do that he could do himself. Are there things he does for you that make you feel special? There should be some balance. If there is not, then find a way to not be so available for him. Make yourself busy so he has to do it for himself. I find that talking can be a big waste of time. If after the first couple of times it is not effective, it is not going to be. You have to move to the next step. Lead by example. Not in a mean way. Sweetly, gently, but firmly. If that doesn't work, and it is really that important to you, then start planning your getaway. Good luck and God bless.

I know you say he won't listen, but communication is the key. You will have to find an approach that works otherwise you are both gong to be miserable. I would suggest that you initially approch the subject in a seemingly submissive way, like 'would you prefer me to do exactly what you say - or would you prefer me to have my own views?' (this should NOT be said as part of an argument but as a genuine frank discussion). What I am saying is that you need to get him to see that your input to the relationship is valuable - he should acknowledge that it is unhealthy for him to dominate the relationship. I'm not trying to tell you word-for-word because it has to come from you, but there are issues that must be faced up to - maybe he has some issues too, so you need to create an atmosphere in which you can have a free and frank discussion like adults should be able to. There is this technique you can use if you are both open to it - the person talking has a cushion (or any other item to hand) and the listener cannot interrupt or say a thing until they receive the cushion. When you have finished your bit, the listener takes the cushion and repeats back what they think you said. They give you back the cushion and you either say yes that's right, or correct what they did not understand. The cushion goes back and forth until the point is fully understood on both sides (only ONE person talking at a time). Then the listener can have a turn at making a point. It sounds a bit silly and it is a little like a game, but it is a really good system for enabling you to say what you want without it being mis-interpreted.. The reason you MUST talk is that if you swallow your pride you will build up resentment, which will be bad for the relationship. If he understands this concept, then he show be willing to participate in a discussion.

Maybe your husband is insecure or he likes to control everything. Pride of your relationship is important and both must have a mutual feeling towards each other. But I don't know why he doesn't like it. I used to play a lot of games on my mobile phone and my girlfriend didn't like it at all, and she used to somehow show her frustration and literally irritate me a lot whenever I was on it. She didn't like me playing games on my comp either and she used to throw a lot of negative energy around and that would create fights between us also. But what to do... Some people just can't stand it if their partners are having their own space off for a while and spending some time with themselves. But that's not healthy. Partners should allow each other some space, and allow them to do what they like, but if it gets too much in the way of their relationship, then they should be reminded that they are ignoring other duties... But as long as it's harmless, it's good. But it's good to spend a little time away from each other and keep your minds busy with something else for a while... Too much of each other can also make you feel exhausted. You need to maintain your pride for sure, but still, you have to compromise a few things to keep love moving on. So, I stopped playing games totally on the computer because of my girlfriend and I am totally fine with it now. But did you find out the reason why he doesn't like you chatting on the computer?

I am really sorry for you, for with a domineering husband life must be pretty bad. I think under the circumstances, what you should do is try and maintain harmony when he is around and do what you like when he goes to work. Just be careful you do not get caught unawares. It must be pretty frustrating for you, but if in every other respect he is good, gives you money to spend, takes care of you, takes you out etc., in short gives you food, clothing and shelter, and love to some extent, then go with the flow. If he keeps you unhappy otherwise too, then I think you should fend for yourself. Good luck friend. I hope you will find the courage to do what you feel is right.

Hi, Your husband seems to be very controlling. Communication is key. You have to let him know how you feel. Your husband is probably dealing with some insecurity issues as well. There has to be mutual respect between the two of you. Marriage is very hard. I know. I have been at it for 14 years and we work at improving our marriage everyday. This is what you have to do. It has to be the both of you who are working at it. Not just one. Make a list of the pros and cons. If the pros outweight the cons, then it is well worth working at your marriage. If the cons outweigh the pros, it is a must that you both sit down and get it together. You are not suppose to be unhappy or jumpy as soon as he puts his key in the door. You should not have to live in fear. Happiness is the best gift and that is what you should have. You deserve it don't you?

I am sorry that this is what you are subjected to Your Husband is being very unfair to you as he is not letting you have freedom at all, why should you be treated like a child I really do not know what you can do as you say discussing it is not an option, there is only one way out of this at the sounds of things and that is get your Freedom back but that is a choice you have to make

Maybe your husband is insecure or he likes to control everything. Pride of your relationship is important and both must have a mutual feeling towards each other. But I don't know why he doesn't like it. I used to play a lot of games on my mobile phone and my girlfriend didn't like it at all, and she used to somehow show her frustration and literally irritate me a lot whenever I was on it. She didn't like me playing games on my comp either and she used to throw a lot of negative energy around and that would create fights between us also. But what to do... Some people just can't stand it if their partners are having their own space off for a while and spending some time with themselves. But that's not healthy. Partners should allow each other some space, and allow them to do what they like, but if it gets too much in the way of their relationship, then they should be reminded that they are ignoring other duties... But as long as it's harmless, it's good. But it's good to spend a little time away from each other and keep your minds busy with something else for a while... Too much of each other can also make you feel exhausted. You need to maintain your pride for sure, but still, you have to compromise a few things to keep love moving on. So, I stopped playing games totally on the computer because of my girlfriend and I am totally fine with it now. But did you find out the reason why he doesn't like you chatting on the computer?

Hi Ongtina,I answered to one of your earlier discussions. I think that it takes two to keep the peace in a relationship. In your case, it sounds very one-sided. Your husband sounds very controlling almost to the point of abusive. Certainly very disrespectful. I don't beleive that anyone can change anyone else. I think the only thing you can change is your own situation. If it were me, I'd be stashing that weekly allowance that he gives you and be saving to get out of that situation. Do you love him? Do you feel love back from him? I don't know...it just sounds like a really unhappy setup and not one that I can imagine anyone wanting to spend their life in.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's attitude..You know..,some men are very egoists and they have very much pride for what they are doing and what they should do..These kind of people will try to dominate their family or relatives..There will not happen anything if you go with the flow and if you try to react or show your pride,,there may be a chance of a clash..So please try to avoid clashes..Try to make him understand in a friendly that you are not feeling good in his attitude..If its very complex try to consult a psychologist or family councilor..I hope your problem will get solved soon..Take Care..

My husband is same way too always has to have everything his way. Hes bipolar so very difficult person to deal with. I too just go along just so theres less fighting in the house because its not good for the kids. After going alone with everything he wants for so many years 22 years of it....its left me feeling empty and now i want something more. Honestly after youve lived in a one sided relationship and always giving and never getting the things you need emotionally you wont want to be in the relationship anymore. Wish i could help ya but im in same boat:(

we are on the same boat ongtina., me myself dont even have the courage to do what i want.we've been through a lot of arguments but it doesn't really help cos of his attitude,. He's responsible in other way.yes, he's also a good provider, we dont usually argue over money.its just there are thing that i want to do and he doesn't allow it at all.so i always do as told to maintain harmony. Merry christmas!