help!! out of control five year old!!
@indiandevil (2410)
Canada
January 1, 2010 12:09am CST
I'm at my wits end with my 5 year old son, I have tried everything I can think of and nothing is working anymore. He's always had problems. We left his father before he was two he's only seen him once since then. Since then just when a place feels like "home" we seem to have to up and move.
We have moved 12 times in the last 3 years. Out of out control moves for the most part.
However my problem is this, I cannot take my son anywhere...and enjoy it. Its sad but true. I take him to the mall, he constantly has me running up and down the stairs pretending to go potty. He refuses to walk, refuses the cart, lays on the floor and wont budge. I have to struggle with him, and what ever I bought, chase him through the store, and practically drag him to the car as he will not lift his feet. Once we get to the car its a fight to get him into his booster seat, by the time I et him buckled in, and get in my self, I'm red faced have a head ache and want to go home.
I take him for a walk I have to hold his hand constantly as he will run out in front of cars, he fights that at times refuses to walk and drop himself dead weight to the ground, in which I have to pick him up and carry him home. Hes five years old and heavy, I've had a bad back since he was born, and by the time I get him home, I'm laid up the rest of the day in pain.
The play ground it is the same thing no matter if its 15 minutes or 3 hours I have him there when its time to go he drops his weight, struggle with me until I end up carrying him, by the time I get home my backs killing me.
At home, he plays off by himself queitly, for hours on end, I do housework, watch tv go on my pc he doesn't care what I do as long as I do it alone. He and I play board games together etc. Hes fine all day until the phone rings.
If the phone rings and Its for me, no matter who it is, he will dump his lunch on the floor, move furniture around the house. Hit and kick me, rip the phone out of my hands, until the person I'm talking about gets upset that I have to ask them over n over what they are saying, as I am trying to contend with my son.
If anyone friend or family visit me, and try to have a conversation with me, he screams the word mom very loud over and over and over, like im talking an hour...2 hours as long as it takes to give the visitor a headache until they decide to leave, as soon as they are gone, hes content. --this can even be his grandmother anyone trying to hold a conversation with me over 4 feet tall.
And heres the thing I'm in the house 24/7 with my son, no human contact other then my son, visitors cant come people cant call, my only connection to the outside world is the internet.
I'm a single 27 year old mom, no help from his father. I've been single four years, I can't see any friend or any family, due to the fact my son wont allow it.
I'm finding my self lonely and depressed.
My families solution is get out do something meet new friends, date. However not one of them will help me, yet complain if I suggest hiring a stranger to babysit. My uncle lives with me, his idea of me time for my self is him watching my son while I get groceries run errands for the house (both his and mine)
So I guess they expect me to take my son who acts up out, on my dates with me, and out with friends since no one offers, no one accepts payment and the odd time they actually do, They lecture me about going out with friends and doing things on my own...its like double standards.
I have tried everything with my son, time outs, taking away toys, cartoons, early bed time punishment nothing works! I've run out of ideas and I want to make this better so I can have friends, and date... a side life outside of my son...for once even if just a few hours a month!
1 person likes this
7 responses
@nenaandtrey (223)
• United States
5 Jan 10
So sorry to hear this about your 5 year old acting this way. But the only thing i can think of maybe he is missing a father figure. Maybe your dad could help with this problem. He needs a man to correct his problems. I say don't blame your self or your uncle. Maybe try a babysitter with other kids too. I know if you dont have a job or help from his father it will be hard for daycare cost. But in most states they offer daycare help at your local Dept. of Human Service. And it is free.
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@nenaandtrey (223)
• United States
5 Jan 10
Sorry to hear about your father. Hope you will get a chance to spend more time with your father before the time comes where you can't. You are right your Uncle needs to go if he wants to drink in front of the kid is not good either. If he tells ya something he should hold up to his words.
Glad your son is in daycare. Just hang ten it will get better. Have you talked to his doctor about this? There maybe some problems there that you don't see but the doctor can run test on him to find out.
Hope you figure this out soon. Sounds like you have a lot of stress going on there.
1 person likes this
@jewels49 (1776)
• United States
4 Jan 10
I believe that kids only get away with what we allow them to. Moving as many times as you have had to has definitely impacted your sons security, that's a given, nothing is more comforting to kids than a routine and stability. Keeping that in mind, you have to give him the security of discipline and rules. I am willing to bet that allowances have been made for his behavior because you feel guilty about uprooting him so often.
What I would do is nail him in the moment, if he acts up at the store, leave..don't finish buying your stuff, don't threaten him, just pick him up if you have to and go. When he is quiet I would tell him why we left the store and explain to him that would happen every time he acts up..I know it can seem inconvenient, but you won't have to do it too many times.
I would set the same boundaries for everything else..keep a special coloring book or a can of playdoh and tell him he can only play with it when you are on the phone or visiting, if he still misbehaves he may not have it, make sure you stick to whatever consequences you decide upon.
Kids at 5 can understand consequences but they are only effective if we use them, everytime..if all we do is yell, kids know that is all we ae ever going to do.
You have tried everything, but have you ever stuck with one thing for an extended period of time? Hang tough, you are bigger than he is and you are he boss, now you just have to prove it to him.
1 person likes this
@indiandevil (2410)
• Canada
4 Jan 10
I have also done this, it works for the day, and the next time it all still repeats itself, it never eases up like I know it should when they arent getting their way, eventually they are suppose to break and adapt that they just aren't going to get away with doing that...yea not my son.
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@maximax8 (31046)
• United Kingdom
3 Jan 10
I am a primary school teacher with much experience of five to seven years old. I have three children of my own. I suggest that you watch Nanny 911 because she manages to make rules that work. I know that with a challenging child I praise him or her when he or she is doing anything good. Only if it lasts for one minute then I praise and it gives the child possible attention. I think that you could have a note book for points when you go out with your son. You could give him rewards or time out when he gets back home with you. You could invite a friend round to practice. If your son does well then you could give him praise. You could talk on the phone for five minutes every day and give him a reward if he behaves himself. You could change time out to somewhere empty and boring. You could have some 'special toys' for rewards. You might like to give him a laptop for games for his age range and allow ten minutes on it for every time you give him a point. If he is naughty you could take time away like say he can't use the laptop that age. You could discuss things with your uncle.
1 person likes this
@indiandevil (2410)
• Canada
4 Jan 10
Nothing from Nanny 911 works with my child, I have tried everything to do with that show and it still does nothing.
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@spalladino (17891)
• United States
2 Jan 10
It's impossible to determine what problems your son has, or how serious they are, over the internet so I would suggest that you take your son to a doctor to be evaluated. He could have a physical or emotional disorder or he could just need a different kind of discipline but only a professional can determine that. If you don't have a regular doctor, see if your local health department can evaluate him. Give them a call and talk to them about the problems you're having with him. At 5 years old he should be more cooperative and better behaved...but he can't help himself at this point.
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@indiandevil (2410)
• Canada
4 Jan 10
hmmm, already done that too, there is no disorder. Fear from his father did delay his speech however, that is improving and hes only 1 below average...the speech pathologist said thats not of high great concern. But thank you for your suggestion.
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@Raven7317 (691)
• United States
6 Jan 10
Hi there... Wow, you have your hands full, huh? Well, I'll offer my two cents and hope it helps. The first thing is the moving situation... I know others have mentioned it, and I have to agree... Moving an average of every 3 months is NOT good for your son. I won't dwell on this because I know you know it's not a good thing, I know you know that the constant moving around is having serious effects on the sense of security your son needs.
I'll address issues as you did: the mall/pretending to go potty. Take him the first time he says he has to go and/or after he's had a drink. If he goes, fine. If he doesn't, fine. But DO NOT FEED INTO his game. I know this is drastic, but perhaps letting him wet his pants will teach him the concept of crying wolf.
His refusal to cooperate with you is a power struggle. And you're letting him win! You are the boss, he is the child. He does what you say - PERIOD.
So, before you even leave the house, tell him if he wants to go to the mall with you, he MUST walk with you like a big boy or he will go into the cart like a baby. Make sure he understands. Then, allow him the chance to walk with you like a big boy. THE FIRST TIME he acts up, put him in the cart, strap him in, and ignore him. Don't leave, it's only one more way for him to control you. IGNORE his tantrum, continue doing what you need to do.
Before you get to the car, talk to him about his behaviour in the store and tell him it's unacceptable. Then tell him to get into his seat. If he does not comply, PUT him in, strap him in and move on. Don't yell, scream, hit, threaten, or anything. Just state "you must sit in your seat in the car." If you find that your having to wrestle him in, then try just sitting there, ignoring him. Stash a book in your glove box, get in your seat, buckle yourself in, turn on the radio, and read your book. IGNORE him. Every few minutes, ask him "are you ready to get in your seat?" Keep this up until HE TIRES OF THE GAME.
When you take him for a walk, tell him before hand that you expect him to hold your hand and walk like a big boy. For this very dangerous behaviour, I would buy him a child halter and strap him into that. You tell him, "you can walk with mommy as long as you behave like a big boy and hold my hand. Otherwise, you get the halter." And make sure you put the halter on him to keep him within arms reach.
Teach him the difference between being a big boy or being treated like a baby. If he obeys you and behaves well (like a big boy) you give him praise and tell him you're proud of him. If he acts out, disobeys (like a baby) you tell him it's unacceptable and ignore him until he decides to act like a big boy again.
The point is, IT WILL WORK, if you STICK WITH IT. Don't try it for a day or two. Stick to it for weeks! You have to teach him that you are the parent and you expect him to behave a certain way. You need to tell him, what you expect, when you expect it, and what will happen if he does not obey.
The behaviour with the phone and visitors requires you to remove him from the situation. Everytime this happens, you need to put him in his room, in a time out. I know you said time outs don't work; TRUST ME, it will work eventually. IF YOU DO IT EVERY TIME!
He's a child, he has learned how to manipulate you, he's controlling you... And you're letting him. Taking the control back is going to be very hard, it's going to take a while, it's going to be brutal, I'm sure, but just think of it this way... CAN it be any harder than the way you're living now?
I've had to deal with a few of these issues myself and I've handled it as I'm advising you to. And guess what? IT WORKED.
Best of luck. Please feel free to email me, if you want.
1 person likes this
@jules67 (2788)
• Philippines
2 Jan 10
5 -year-old are very hard to discipline now. They do think differently like ordinary kids. At times, they do make their own decisions. A parent need not give-up. You need to continue to communicate with your kid. Always remind him that you are still the parent.
@indiandevil (2410)
• Canada
4 Jan 10
Thank you very much and yes I constantly remind him of that, though again it doesn't work.
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@shrashira (438)
• United States
2 Jan 10
First off, I am sorry you are going through this with your little one.
I fully understand what your dealing with, but not in the way many may think. To make a long story short some 30+ years ago, I was that so called out of control 5 year old.
As with your son, I too was separated from my father. Although my separation was not until the age of about 8, however the acting up on my part started way before the split. Children can sense these things and they simply react.
Not to step on the toes of professionals or friends, but please don't buy into the "wanting attention" thing. It's not it. Not even close. There are a few things that your child is wanting and craving for the most part. First he wants a secure place to live, yea I know he is just five and doesn't seem to know what he wants. Or so that's what we as adults have learned to realize. The fact of the matter is, he wants what others his age around him has. he wants and will need a strong male role model, that he can rely on. But immediately, he needs to know that you will not leave him.
You say that you have moved several times in so many years. That is not good for him at all. If he is like I was, I thought the reason for the moves were the new interactions with other people with my mom that caused it. So sure, when mom would have a new friend (didn't matter male or female), I would lose it. Thinking that something would happen to cause harm to our home and we would have to move yet again.
Again, if your son is like me, we played alone happily knowing mom near. Not so much because we necessarily liked it but because it was safe. No one to interfere with our happy time. Your son is craving attention he just wants to be safe and feel secure.
We tried therapists but none could help. Not even remotely. I am sure someone could have offered something, but I never met that person.
Now in my case, mom was not looking for a strong male role model for me although she knew I needed one. Instead she became both mom and dad for me. Boy did she turn strict. Seriously ... I mean wow. It was her strength that made me finally realize that no matter what I was going to be okay. To be honest, it sucked everyday, but as I now think about it, I wouldn't change a thing. Her strength made me a better person.
The first thing she did was made it clear to me that I was the man of the house and needed to act as such. And yes, that sucked too. It meant I couldn't act the way I was acting for much longer. She explained to me that I had to be as strong as her and she would not leave me for nothing. In time, it worked out, but it was very difficult. Took me 6 long stubborn years to realize it all.
I will not ramble on, but my point is to say this: Make sure your son knows you are strong enough to make it through. As with my mom, you probably think you cannot do it alone, but ma'am you can. It is in you. You have to accept the fact that to your son, you are indeed both mom and dad.
Many may think this is useless information, but I am not guessing or talking from a stance of what I read somewhere. I lived it and it works, or at least worked for me.
I thank my mom every chance I get for the strength she had.
@indiandevil (2410)
• Canada
4 Jan 10
thank yu so much, you seem to know exactly what we are going through, I will indeed try that, the only thing that doesn'tseem to be in my control most times is the moving it just seems we have the worst of luck with chosing the right place for us.
1 person likes this
@shrashira (438)
• United States
5 Jan 10
Your road is definitely going to be a tough one. I think that the first thing you should try to focus on is the moving around.
As a child when we would move around, it really stressed me out. Changing schools, always being the new guy, takes its toll on a kid. It sucked, mostly because I had the luck of seeming to always be in the classes that picked on the new kid. That did not help matters at all for me.
Keep your home a stable and secure place for your child. As I wasn't getting proper help from my dad, things got bad. Many months with no electricity or water in the home (throughout the year including winter). Food was at a premium, it sucked. I hated it and I made sure I expressed it by any means, whether it be by acting out or scheming something foul. I was being completely destructive.
It caused me to act out in certain ways that I am not proud of, but at the time it felt right. I was really getting screwed up mentally.
Everyday I count my blessings that I was able to overcome it, as your son will also as you stay true to your cause ... which is him.
I tell you this only to let you know that things can turn around for the better with determination and willpower.
When my mom and I speak of the past, we are both hurt and it reflects in the way we speak and recall events. But we always rejoice in knowing that its over and I did not turn out the way statistics would lead one to think.
I apologize for any negative emotions that I may have posted but this topic is dear to me on many levels. It reminds me of my horrible youth and a system that would rather just say a child is acting out for no reason or labeling it as ADD/ADHD and given meds to calm them down.
Far to many families with children are simply left to deal with things in silence only to be prescribed with medicines or misdiagnosis for something that basic caring and security can resolve.
