When relationships reach the bitterest end - Divorce or Destruction?

In my opinion zandi one should think a lot before getting into a marriage. But once you are married then you should never think of a break up at all.This is even more important if you are having children. You should try your best to stay in the marriage until your children grow up and get well settled in life. If you don't have children then you may think of a break up if it is very necessary. If both the husband and wife have the same spark of love, passion and interest even after years of marriage nothing can be more blissful and wonderful than that. Unfortunately only a few couples enjoy that happiness in life.Most of the couples lose spark, passion after years of marriage. Above all if a marriage is too difficult to cope with then you can quit it after making all possible efforts to save the marriage.

Hi Zandi, that sounds a terrible thing to put up with as you've put the idea of a marriage before yourself. I didn't, but I there were no real problems either, I just couldn't imagine staying with someone I had grown apart from. That might sound selfish but at the end of the day we only have one life. Although I didn't not like him when I asked for a divorce, by the end I actively disliked him. Now he contributes nothing to the upbringing of his son out of a strange idea that if I can't manage financially I'll go back to him. My attitude is that I want nothing to do with a man who can't even send money to bring up his own son. Fortunately he's in a different country so it doesn't complicate things. The way he has acted since I said I wanted a divorce have made me glad I did it. I wouldn't have been happy staying with him and he had no right to hold me responsible for his happiness. In your situation there is no way I would contemplate staying for the sake of a promise you made many years ago. I consider my ex to be irresponsible and I couldn't respect that in a person, you can't continue to live with someone you don't respect.

This is a very delicate issue and situation. When someone has been forced right to the very end, they have to think about their own sanity and safety. Say for instance a partner whom is very abusive, nothing will get to him and nothing will change him; he's just like a leopard that cannot change its spots. And in this case, the wife gets so stricken with physical and emotional pain that she has to leave the marriage for her safety as well as sanity. And on the other hand, there are those menial issues, but continuing and prolonging to become big problems. And if both parties are not willing to sit down, iron it out and work it out, the big problem will come pile up no matter what. In this case, I really hope divorce is not the last resort, but to save the marriage and try the very best to try means and ways for the other party to change her or his ways and to make them see the light that they are being unreasonable or stuff like that. Go for counseling and if it doesn't help, to stay away from each other for awhile to think things through, but trying the very best not to divorce. But anyway, this is just my thought. It depends on each case. Generally, divorce should not be on the thoughts of married couples, but desperate situations call for desperate measures, so there is really a fine line there. Good topic here, zandi.

I like everything that you have said, and I totally agree. Some people change. I personally believe that if you loved one another enough to get married, you love one another enough to make it work out. That is the problem with our society these days, they see all these hollywood stars, who probably shoudln't have gotten married anyway, getting divorced after six months, and then younger people get married without even fully knowing someone and it doesn't work out. The sad part is, that more times than none, children are involved. People need to realize that marriage is supposed to be forever. If they have any doubt of that, they need to just date and not get married.

I am not married yet and I don't believe the wedding vows, I am sorry to say that. A vow is valid when the partners both abide by it; once one part, as you mentioned, become a ruthless creature, a hostile opponent, even worse than a stranger, the vow is gone without trace. Therefore, there is no need to persist in that. If a woman depends on her husband, then I think it might be wise to maintain the marrige( wife-beating is exclusive); but if a woman is economically independent, I think there is no hesitation and no reason to continue the suffering. Am I right? It's just my personal opinion. I am very independent financially. So I guess when such things happen to me, I won't be too hesitate to divorce him. Who fears who?

Hiya zandi458, Marriage is the start of a new journey where you could both benefit from each other not just financially but spiritually and on other levels. It really is much more complex and each one of us is so different not one person has really the same opinion as the other. I have seen so many marriages that were not made in heaven so to speak but they have stayed together till the end either splitting up after or simply passing over to the other side of life. I really don´t believe it should be a ball and a chain around both your ankles the time has to come for all when this concept ends and marriage can become what it was meant to be and not just having children or putting up with each other because. If the start can be so wonderful then the rest of the time ahead should be the same in spite of all the ups and downs that get thrown in your way. Okay that is not the way it works at the moment for so many of us but deep down who does´nt still have the same feeling when they met that special person for the first time? Another note this feeling can last for up to thirty odd years later (grin). Take care everyone and be as happy as you can. Sue.xxx

I am just stubborn enough to stay until I am absolutely convinced there is not other choice. But the difference here is that he, dense as he is, is at least working with me. If your husband isn't working to save your marriage too, what's the point. No, staying married isn't always the best option. Each situation is different. Ask yourself this - do you still want to be in this situation when you're 70 years old?

Hi zandi I think that is a personal choice, some people can live for years in a miserable marriage whithout realising there is a better life out there. I myself after been marry for 16 years and with 4 children walked out of my home and took the children with me. My marriage had turned into a nightmare of daily abuse by my husband who used to drink to excess. He begged me to come back home but I never did! going through a divorce is not easy and every one is unhappy for a while. I never denied him access to see his children and nowaday [ they are all grown up]they still visit their father.Today I have no regrets I know what I did was for the best for my children and for me.

Hi Zandi..........27 years is a long time to remain married...Its enough time for any couple to go through the different stages of being together,facing the ups and downs of life,and what not.....I know marraige is not a smooth forward journey for many,as they make it out in films....I guess the couple by this time learn to tolerate and put up with each others erratic behaviour....If your relationship tend to jarr a bit at this stage,I dont think divorce is the answer.....For it will bring with it so much of heart breaks and the psychological torture ,not to mention the period of loneliness when you are standing right on the threshold of old age....... I guess it will be a good idea if you go on a holiday on your own or move in with some relative for a little time.....Your absence might make your husband realise how much he is dependent on you,and how much he has take you for granted and I am sure you will see some change in him when you are back........Good luck dear.....

I don't understand why people entering into married that they are always say that they marry in the wrong place, the wrong time or the wrong the person? In that case; we cannot deduce if married is something a big problem or a kind of misunderstood... Divorce is not the answer if something happen. As far as my opinion is concern it is the play between the person having in a trouble relationship to talk beyond the conflict that may arise.

in many marriages in my country, though separations are now accepted, divorce is still expensive and a no-no. sometimes it is so ridiculous that only those movie stars can afford a divorce financially and with no problems at all with public perception since everything is not stable in their world. however, even politicians who are unhappy in their marriages still put up a united family front and here in the philippines, you'd really be somebody to still be accepted if you're a divorcee. so you're lucky divorce is common in your place. i guess the fact that you are a citizen of your country that accepts divorce easily is already a reason for you to go and file for it. this is just a proof that there is a reason for everything and once you found a reason you take it. besides, the details of the divorce's terms still would be on the hands of the court, right?

I think for something to this extent that you should really maybe speak with a professional on the matter. This is a huge decision to make - and although its your decision and yours alone, maybe... I don't know. I'm really sorry to hear about this. This isn't some Hollywood marriage. This is 27 years (but I do agree that the "hollywood marriage" epidemic is very sad.) You see the difference here is - you HAVE put the effort into this relationship! You've put your time in. You haven't just woke up one morning and said "wow! this just feels really hard today... better call my lawyer!" You've given yourself and your life. You have stuck by his side thru these tough years! Aw honey, I'm just so sorry to hear about this. You need to figure out what you need to do... to be you. Its really best not to imagine the whole filing process when making your decision. Because if the court proceedings, or what might be to come, is the only thing keeping you in the marriage... then I say its time to get out. I know this may be sort of flip floppy - but you're mind is probably going in 1000 more directions then mine is honey. You'll definitly be in my prayers!

I went through a divorce and it was terrible. My ex and I were amicable and there was no fighting but it was still a horrible experience. We had no children and we both had about the same amount of income. I had a home that I rented out when we married. He kept the home we had bought together and I moved back into my old home. It was horrible even with no fighting so I can just imagine how it would feel to be fighting over everything. The person you are supposed to be closest to, could be a terrible enemy as he knows what really gets to you. I don't think people should stay married for the kids. Living in a home where people are fighting all the time or mad at each other isn't a good enviornment either. I do think people should do everything they can to make it work. There is always a bad spell, but it might get better. It's too easy to get a divorce these days. It seems like people get married thinking "If this doesn't work I'll get out of it".

Divorce after such a long years of togetherness can rarely be found on this earth. At this stage divorce is nothing less than destruction. In such situations staying married is a better option.

Hi Zandi! Shall I say that you are finding yourself between "the devil and the deap sea.". Many learned mylotters have given their suggestions and have dissected the issue. I think you are caught in a dilemma, whether to retain your married life or go for separation. I think you are the best judge of your own situation. We sitting miles apart cannot visualise for certain reasons, the complete picture at your end. It is you who have to take a final decision. Despite all what you have stated, I still feel that it would be slightly better to stay married rather than going for separation. I agree with you that you may not feel good or comfortable in either of the situations, however, perhaps it is question of choosing a 'lesser evil', if it is so, you may not go for separation (this is entirely my personal view, you may or may not appreciate it). Have a great day! Keep Smiling! Deepak

Zandi, life is too short to live that way.

I know something of what you face in divorce, my parents and both of my daughters have been through this. But you need to remember that you only have this life and if by staying in the relationship you are in a totally destructive situation it's time to swallow your fears and move on. But for goodness sake take some precautions ahead. Get your own bank account, your own credit card, move any property into your own name. If you have a pension protect it if he has a pension contact them to find what you need to do to get your portion. Don't hurry, be wise. Blessings

It depends, Zandi. I have been married and divorced and I decided to get out of the marriage because I could see us heading to a place where we could not stand each other and he it may have ended up in total war between us. We did not have children and I could still see the good in him although we were not meant to be – that much was clear- so we ended things while we could still be civil to each other. Unfortunately a lot of people do end up with bitterness and hate and the worst thing is that the children are often used as pawns in a bitter war. I am not advocating divorce and I do believe too many people take that option too early. I think that your life is precious and that you should be happy and to live in a miserable situation is not healthy. Having said that I so think that divorce should be an option when you can honestly say, “I have done all I can for my relationship, I have left no stone unturned…” it is then that things will have either improved or it may be time to move on your own to a new chapter in your life. Divorce is not always bad, sometimes things end for a reason and the important thing to remember is that we all deserve some peace and happiness in our lives.

Marriage is sacred and a serious matter and we know that when we decide to marry someone, we thought and even made a covenant to be with him for a long time...even forever.Yet, there are instances that things will not be smooth all the time.Once individual differences and weaknesses are not handled properly,time really comes that special feelings or love will be gone.Relationship will become sour and definitely become boring.That's why, in marriage, relationship should be nurtured, not thinking only of the kids and working for a living but there should be also continuous giving importance to a spouse.If the other person will not do the same then I know it's not really easy. Since I was young I strove to live a righteous life and so when it's the time for me to choose the right man for marriage, I really thought that I want him to be the first and the last because once I learn to love someone, it's really true.My marriage is not perfect.Yet, as long as there's a way to save a relationship then it's just proper to do something about it.Regarding your question, if both parties are still willing to save the relationship then there's always a door of repentance and starting anew.Meaning, it's good to stay together even if things are not going smooth.However, there's something to be done.It takes two to tango as they say so both parties should find a way to bring back the good relationship.A couple should be willing and humble to improve themselves.But once both parties are full of pride and gave up immediately then a relationship will really be miserable and it is possible that it will end to separation,or divorce. But before that will happen, one should try to do something to make the love in bloom again then continue to nurture it. In contrary, after all you have done,yet the relationship didn't still work, then make a decision that will make both of you happy.I hope in your case, it won't happen because you've been married for a long time and you've been faithful.Have a good day!

I am not in favor with divorce or annulment. But when the relationship is in its bitterest, i believe the couple should go in their separate ways before hurting each other more. There is time where you have to hold on tight. But if it's not working out anymore, both should let go. Or better yet, take time and space. Let things cool off before talking again. Sometimes we say things that could hurt someone when we are pissed off. And we regret saying those after.