JOKES

How a baby was born! A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll Down You got Male!

i don't know

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 6) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 7) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 8) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.” 9) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” . 10) The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,. 11) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 12) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

I would like for this to acutally happen. And I would like for it to be on the news.

funny

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks: Why the long face?

FURRUKH!! HERE'S ANOTHER JOKE!! :O Bless Me, Father... Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Five good leads," says Tommy.

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point: 1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. 4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. 6. Drink. Drink some more. 7. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking. 8. Spend more time at work. 9. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 10. Start being superstitious. You Know it's Your Last Day at Work When... You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss was standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneek in and look at some confidential imformation on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?". You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party. Tech Support Stories... I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?" A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer. On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it. And another user was all confused about why the cursor always'moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her. Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?" This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters. Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard." @@;; enjoy ! :D ahhahaa

On a flight James bond was sitting next to a Telugu guy. Telugu Guy: "Hello, May I know your name please?" James Bond: "My name is Bond" Continuing in his inimitable style, "......James Bond." Then Bond asks: "And you?" Telugu Guy: "My name is Rao... Siva Rao... Samba Siva Rao... Venkata Samba Siva Rao... Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao... Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao... Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao... Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao..." Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says "James Bond"

Every one jokes are very nice. Now my turn GOD-"Tumhe kya chahiye? MAN-"Hay Bhole nath muje Sridevi chahiye "GOD-Beta She wears saries worth Rs.50000/- u cant afford,b hapy I'l gv u Mallika Sherawat.

Blondes on the bus Two blondes are waiting on a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry." At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters: "Will it take ME?"

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go on our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Lady : Is this my train? Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company. Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi. Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy. ~~~~~~ A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? SARAH: H I J K L M N O!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O! TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: George! TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLIE: Me! TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I." ELLEN: I is... TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am." ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

lol iheard this the other day and its got to be the best joke iv heard a class of first year medical students had finaly gotten to examine theyre first corpse. the proffessor said: there are two most important qualities about being a doctor. 1. the first is being able to within stand extreme disgust, saying that the professor stuck his finger into the corpse's but and then sucks on it, and encouraged the rest of the class to do the same the students were disgusted at the site, but one by one they all did it. the proffessor then said the second most important quality to being a doctor is to be observant, the proffesor said i stuck my index finger inside the but and sucked my middle finger

Since the discussion started with Bush, here's a conversation that took place in his office. Most of you would have heard it already. Bush walks into his office. His secretary greets him. Bush: What's new aroung the world? Secretary: Hu is the new leader of China. Bush: That's right tell me. Who is the leader of China. Secretary: Who Bush: I am asking you. You find out and tell me. Secretary: It is Hu sir, Hu is the new leader. Bush: That's what I want to know. You can't help me. Get me the UN boss. Secretary: You want Kofi? Bush: I don't want anything. I had tea before I got her. Now you get me the UN boss. Secretary: That's right sir, I'll get you Kofi. Bush: This is unbearable. I don't want any coffee. Secretary: Then whom do you want sir. Bush: Forget the UN boss, I'll talk to the Defence Secretary. Secretary: So you want Rice sir? Bush: Is is time for lunch already. Then forget rice and get me a Big Mac.

Fun Things To Do To Telemarketers: ** Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can't hear them over the static. ** Make up your own language. Speak it. ** Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?" ** Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub. ** Dial the phone and say, "Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I'm gonna come over there and hurt you! " ** Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing. ** Say, "Moe's tavern Moe speaking." ** Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper subscription. ** Communicate only through Morse code. ** Try to sell the telemarketer something. ** Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong scent of bacon over the phone. ** Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, "They'll never catch me again," "No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!" After saying one of these mutter incoherently. ** Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won't buy because you couldn't see him/her dance. ** Make him/her sing to get a sale. ** Pretend to be really interested. Then say, "No." ** Engage him/her in an "intellectual" conversation on an extremely boring subject. ** Say nothing until he/she hangs up. ** Say, "I told you. I don't know where your dog is!" Then hang up. ** After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone number. Call the telemarketer. ** Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that you need some time to think, and that you'll get back to them.

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." and the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them

thanks buddy.

Just a very short joke. Research shows that men are fatter than women because every night men gets fresh milk and two big papayas. Women on the other hand only get one banana, two peanuts and one teaspoon of starch.