If We "Depend" On A Man, Are We Putting Ourselves At Risk?
@danishcanadian (28953)
Canada
February 22, 2010 1:51am CST
My husband and I are sitting here watching the movie "K 19 the widowmaker" about a Russian Submarine in the 1960s (based on a true story), and the whole thing got me thinking.
It's traditionally believed that the man is the head of the family, right? That women should submit to man, let him lead, and make all the decisions, right?
Wrong in my eyes. If i was meant to live that kind of life, I would not have the hard head that I have. I would not be capable of doing so much on my own. I am with my husband because I love him. Sure we compliment eachother in our weaknesses and strengths as individuals (we're actually both physically challenged but in different ways, so what he can do I can't and vice versa) and our compliments have nothing to do with our gender. Yes we have a heterosexual physical relationship, but that aside, we are best friends, soulmates, and if we were any closer, we'd be conjoined twins. LOL
He's also 36 years older than I am. Healthy as anything, but lets face it. He's probably not going to be around on my 70th birthday. No 45th anniversary for us, right?
So here's what I'm thinking.
Marry a young man, and he might go off to war in some military conflict, or become married to his job. If the man is traditionally supposed to support the family, then wouldn't it go without saying that if the woman wants all the finer things, the man would have to work like a dog to get them? That is, if the woman wants to be traditional and stay home...and even if she works too, they both may work themselves into the ground, in order to make more. Sometimes people are greedy.
And if the man is older, too old for military combat, and old enough to retire, like my husband, the yonger woman will probably outlive him, and possibly be alone. And if she's going to be alone, she'd better know how to take care of herself, just as she would if he was off fighting in a war somewhere. Remember how the women "picked up the slack" during WWII, and then were expected to go back into their cages when the men came home?
So why then, are some people still striving for the traditional, conservative relationship, and why are women still perceived as weak, in some circles?
If we live to depend on a man, are we not just setting ourselves up for disappointment? Are we not putting unnecessary pressure on the man? And is that man not putting unnecessary pressure on us by "working hard" and expecting us to cater to him at home, since he's been out working "for us" all day?
To my husband and I, traditional roles do nothing but cause major imbalances in a relationship.
8 people like this
16 responses
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
22 Feb 10
So why then, are some people still striving for the traditional, conservative relationship, and why are women still perceived as weak, in some circles?
I honestly think that mainstream religion has a lot to do with it....I mean I have yet to meet or talk to someone who has that belief (that a woman is less than in a relationship etc) who ISNT a hardcore fundie to one degree or another....Well other than my brother who is just lazy and and idiot 
If we live to depend on a man, are we not just setting ourselves up for disappointment?
I think that but also we are letting ourselves down by not giving living our everything if htat makes sense..We end up BEING "less than" in most areas of life which is a shame IMO
Are we not putting unnecessary pressure on the man? And is that man not putting unnecessary pressure on us by "working hard" and expecting us to cater to him at home, since he's been out working "for us" all day?
Yes and no....I mean I would think that couples who live like that CHOOSE to do so therefore each isnt putting unnecessary pressure on the other BUT we are putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves by making that lifestyle choice...
my husband and I, traditional roles do nothing but cause major imbalances in a relationship.
Yea my hubby and I are like that...not just when it comes to traditional husband/wife roles in a relationship but a traditional relationship overall makes no sense to us and as we see it tends to end relationships/marriages rather than strengthen them...
If we live to depend on a man, are we not just setting ourselves up for disappointment?
I think that but also we are letting ourselves down by not giving living our everything if htat makes sense..We end up BEING "less than" in most areas of life which is a shame IMO
Are we not putting unnecessary pressure on the man? And is that man not putting unnecessary pressure on us by "working hard" and expecting us to cater to him at home, since he's been out working "for us" all day?
Yes and no....I mean I would think that couples who live like that CHOOSE to do so therefore each isnt putting unnecessary pressure on the other BUT we are putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves by making that lifestyle choice...
my husband and I, traditional roles do nothing but cause major imbalances in a relationship.
Yea my hubby and I are like that...not just when it comes to traditional husband/wife roles in a relationship but a traditional relationship overall makes no sense to us and as we see it tends to end relationships/marriages rather than strengthen them...3 people like this
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
23 Feb 10
Wow! Thanks for your awsome response. I agree that religion must have a lot to do with it. This is why I am not extremely religious.
As for the lifestyle choices people make, a lot of people are raised in cultures that preach that "this is the only choice." I've known way too many people who carry this on simply because "that's the way we've always done it."
think of the song "Tradition" from Fiddler On The Roof.
1 person likes this
@BarBaraPrz (47274)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
22 Feb 10
And while I was reading this, I was thinking of that John Prine song, "In Spite of Ourselves" that Raydene so nicely provided a link to...
One of my aunt's has outlived two husbands, both near her age, so what can ya do?
2 people like this
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
22 Feb 10
I dont see any harm that women would be emancipated and fight for their rights and do the things that men do. Being complimentary is one thing but being dependent is another. As a couple my wife has become dependent on me on money management. I really hate it because what will happen if I pass away before her? Would she end up beggging because of bad money management? I do agree with your submission totally.
2 people like this
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
23 Feb 10
Good idea!!
Another example. My grandmother never learned how to drive. Now my grandpa is older, and is not driving anymore. He's rather frail, and my grandmother is extremely healthy. She agrees that if she'd learned how to drive when she was younger, she woudln't be depending on her kids now, to drive her and Grandpa where they need to go.
I agree. Teach your wife to be independent, and make sure she understands why. It's a great compliment to her that you want her to be able to live on her own, incase she should live longer.
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
22 Feb 10
thats a major thing...especially if you have children..I mean the gods forbid anything should happen to you but you make an excellent point about what if ya know....Of course its not something that couldnt be taken care of now "just in case"...I mean you could teach her how to be more independant..
2 people like this
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
22 Feb 10
I have had to be fairly self sufficient fore most of my life and find it very hard to have to depend on anyone, much less my partner. I feel that the time for gender stereotypes is long gone but even today it still exists. My man and I are a partnership, with shared roles, and I agree with you that if we had to conform to the traditional roles, we would probably have split up a long time ago.
2 people like this
@idowrite72 (2213)
• United States
23 Feb 10
Do you really think that this is the way that relationships TOTALLY are in this day and age? I really don't think so. I think that there are many ways that the man might be "expected" to be the "bread winner", in that in most relationships he earns more money than she does.....but not all and I do think that the numbers are changing more all the time and there are more dads who are staying at home than there ever was before. I believe that more women ARE becoming independent as they go into the working world and have to FIGHT for what is theirs and also as they become single mothers, as I did many years ago, and HAVE to fend for themselves to put a roof over their heads, as well as the children's, and food in their mouths, or be on the street, since I think there are many men who aren't living up to their end of the "deal" unless the court steps in.............not in MY case. I think there are still women who WANT to be the weakling at home with nothing better to do than polish their nails and run the washing machine and men who want that, but I think the numbers are no where near where they used to be as women have become more active in business and politics and everything else that keeps the world running. I think it is becoming more and more that couples just find that niche where they find what works for them and they find a way to share in whatever needs to be done since we have become more of a 2 working adult society in many places and with that comes sharing other things to with keeping a house together.........and I think that more men are willing to help with those things around the house to keep things going rather than lose the womenthey want to be with since they are also contributing to the household in the way of monetary ways so they can have the things that they both want.
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
23 Feb 10
Fortunately all the women in my family are currently (and hopefully forever) married to enlightened men, and the ones who were once weaklings (0r acted the part) are asserting their own independence, however, there are still far too many cases where traditions abound. What I'd love to know is why there are women out there who still WANT to be the weakling, and depend on the man in a traditional way.
Another example of where this really bugs me is in the case of religious institutions where women know better, but their churches won't let them go, and in some cases they even try to hold other women to that standard because they have been brainwashed into thinking they are right.
If things were more evently balanced ALL AROUND, this would not be an issue. If all people felt they had the choices to do as they wished...
1 person likes this
@idowrite72 (2213)
• United States
26 Feb 10
You should know better than to think that it will ever be "If all people felt they had the choices to do as they wished......". It is never an all or none about anything. I have a sad story to tell you about man/woman things. A friend of my daughter's was forced into an arranged marriage at the age of 14!!! (I had the chance to talk to her this last weekend and got this story straight from HER!) Even then, when I knew her, she hated the idea and tried to protest it but her father insisted. The man was much older and she was forced into it and had 2 children. She wanted out, and because of religious and whatever other things from the country her parents came here from....can't remember where........she couldn't get her divorce. SO......she took the kids and ran away to NYC where she lived on the streets for 4 years. I know my daughter told me that they looked for her and I'm not sure if anything else happened with it, but she did get her divorce and her ex was deported for some reason. She is now on her own and just informed me that she is buying a house for herself and her 2 children! I couldn't tell her enough how proud of her I was and she couldn't tell me enough how it should NOT HAVE HAPPENED AND SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED ANYWHERE!!!!!!!
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
23 Feb 10
Right on!!! That's how my husband and I see it.
1 person likes this
@raydene (9871)
• United States
23 Feb 10
Hi Doll
I am glad that I'm independant...
When I found out my husband of nearly 30 years was a cheating liar
for many years it almost killed me..
I can't even imagine going through that
if I was someone that had a 50's attitude
about the roles of men and women and relationships.
xoxoxoxoxo
@moonlitmagikchild (22181)
• United States
28 Feb 10
I think the women that do buy into traditional bs are just in for a bad wake up later.. it shouldnt be all on him anyways! not to mention there is also the risk of divorce or him leaving you for another woman etc.. to me you need to at least be able to or know how to make it on your own just in case and for empowerment!! even if you do try the traditional way it wouldnt hurt.. i mean even if he outlives you if you fall on hard times if the wife could do something to help out then she should..
i dont believe in anything tradition as you know but know so many people that do and it just blows my mind!!
@jambi462 (4576)
• United States
23 Feb 10
I don't think that anybody should depend on anybody because this life that we live is very unpredictable and sporadic. I feel like a great couple would work together to make each others lives better. It's also always good to have a backup plan in case of emergency. I feel like if a woman did completely depend on a man they would be setting themselves up for disaster because there have been plenty of a@#holes out there that treat women like absolute garbage. There are plenty of women out there that are so much stronger then men though. I work with waitresses that are raising like 3 kids by themselves. Now that is providing and also a beautiful display of willpower.
@marianna45 (1399)
• Romania
23 Feb 10
In my opinion, women today have to be financial independent, even if in a relationship, never know what will be, and she must fend for themselves, and not complain miles. Dependent on someone, we are weaker, and in everyday life we must be on our feet.
My mother is the best example for me, she always make all alone, she
grew ourselves, and not ever expected anyone to help, even if it is female, and that women often do.
grew ourselves, and not ever expected anyone to help, even if it is female, and that women often do.
@kaylachan (69370)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
23 Feb 10
I'll admit I harbor a lot of gulit at times for having to "depend" on George as much as I do. While he has that "traditional" role as you so put it, it was put on him not by me, but by the other people around us. I'm out of a job and he still has his. So there is a lot of preasure on him to "pick up the slack"
I don't like it so much, but I've groan to accept that's just how things are, and they have to be. I've tried to work, but because I'm very physically challenged and very much restricted traveling outside the home isn't easy for me. Most employers aren't that understanding and what not. So it makes it all the more harder.
If I had my way we would both be working and I wouldn't have to literally cry to him for help on this or that.
@machivado (528)
• Indonesia
23 Feb 10
My mother was working before until she gave birth to me. So, it's my father who is the only one who's making money. I guess trust is the key here and thank goodness that my father keeps his promise. I'm so glad with my parents.
@kgirjapurkar (175)
• India
23 Feb 10
sure as always u will be depending on others he may take undue advantage of it so better alwasy to be self dependent so that no body can ever dare to cheat u
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
23 Feb 10
I agree with you . That' why I never will marry. because if I Did marry I would automatically be a second classed citizen. For me marriage=traditional roles.And with those roles means having children too. I know you are living proof that it doesn't have to be that way but that's how I see marriage. Straight marriage. The man backs his back to support his wife and kids. The wife May work outside the home but she also does all the house work. True the marriage may be based on love at first but soon turns to just toleration.the husband and wife come together to have kids.and it is the mother that does most of the raising of the kids. It sounds old fashioned but that's how I see marriage. And it doesn't matter the age of the husband. If he is young , he may leave you for someone else . If he is older he may die. Either way he is gone. it isn't the depending on a man I object to , it is the lost of freedom And watching love turn to indifference.I rather be fre to love and do what I want when I want.
@laura_lmaxi (678)
• United States
23 Feb 10
I think it has to do a lot with religion, and obviously that is going to be more predominant with people that are very influenced by older generation and by religion itself. I agree with you, if we live depending of any man, we are setting ourselves for abuse, some women really want to live this life, but at the end those marriages are not totally happy, because first of all it puts a lot of pressure on the husband to been the provider, also if the woman is all day at home, what is she going to talk about with the husband?, also they don't succeeded as a person, and in order to any relationship works, everybody should have succeeded as a person first, and then everything will be good with the couple, because both persons complement each others.
