It doesn' pay to try to be nice!

Oh yeah, I hear ya! And I 'heard' a lot of your own convo on FB. Don't envy you at all as I've been there, done that and burned the t-shirt to prove it. lol In your shoes, I'd just step back, let the major players work it out on their own and try not to go crazy mad with the nonsense of it all. Young people are so single minded and no matter how much they 'bleat', they really aren't prepared to hear what you have to say. The last thing you need right now is your hubs feeling you're taking sides. Not an enviable position to be in at all.........

ALL the time this happens to us. My husband and I try to help anyone that we can. And alot of times we reallydo pay the price. I hate helping people that do not help back when you need help. Although it is really a good feeling when we help people that really appreciate it. As a step parent I know that it can be difficult. But I do have to say try not to give up. It is hard for everyone involved.

Let me turn this around for a minute. I am a very independent person and when I want help I will open my mouth and ask for it. What I find with my husband and his family is that they are coming over, butting in and "helping" when I am fine and have things under control. And sometimes their help actually makes things worse if I'm not there to tell them what it is that I want. So what I really appreciate is being asked first. And then if I'm willing to have the help, I'll say yes. And if I'd rather not, I say no. So maybe you're already doing that, but if you aren't, you might want to try it. It might make a world of difference.

to be honest being nice isn't for the benefit of other people it should be because you want to be nice and makes you feel good. Even if you get it thrown back in your face at least you are being true to yourself, and not putting on an act. At the end of the day eventually they will feel foolish that they have ignored you being nice, and if they don't then as I said previously at least you know you have tried to be nice whether they accept you being nice is not your problem its theirs.

Well, I think there is way more to this story than what you posted here for me to make an objective comment. You may have the best intentions but sometimes people see "help" as interference.

Hi! I understand that this must be very differcult for you. I sure know how it feels to try to do something nice for someone and they just "knock you right down again." I have had this problems for many years. I have been to nice with everyone and did not care about my self as long as they was happy. And now I have learned that it is just someone who deserves my kindness and those who dont, the ones who deserve it is them who shows gratitude by saying thanks or by doing something nice back. I also mean if you are a person (like I was) It is important to think more about yourself and take the time to do something you like (go on a spa for exemple) Then you will get sme times for yourself to think and relax. Think about what you need to do in your situaton, maybe it is to sit down and take a serious talk with your husband about how you feel and how you wish than things should be? And maybe ypu can find a way to make things work for you. I wisk ypu all good luck in the world, and hope this will sort out for you.

The echo always ridicules and mimics the sound coz it knows that it is indebted to it…it’s the same for most people who accept help in any form. They know they are indebted yet they don’t have the grace to admit it and here you are talking about his daughter…its obvious that he wants no guidance from you on this maybe coz he thinks his daughter is the best and he can manage her just fine….i think you should just mind your own business…at least it will save you some unpleasant moments.

Wow! I wish I could help, I'm here, and you know that you can lean on me... That was a problem before if I recall, or it is the same thing that happens all the time, difficulties with the children of the other spouse. Well on the good side for me and if I ever hook up it doesn't look like anytime soon that would be a problem and more importantly, my children know I won't put up with unruly behavior to divide the Alpha team. Although my previous relationship that marriage that went sour it wasn't because of the children, even though the children were used like pawns and they are now damaged hence there is no way that my and (who ever) would be threatened by the children trying to destroy our relationship. Daddy and Daddy's girl need some time together, and they are each reacting putting you in the middle, can I offer you a bullet to bite? I really don't think there is anything that you can do other than give them space and room to grow to you. Keep the hand filled with seed and open. When they are hungry for love, nourishment and nurture then they will both come to you and if they don't they are fools. Keep smiling... Positive reinforcement works a lot better than negative, your husband should know this, I know that you do. Keep working at it... That is all we can do is to keep working at it.

Back in 2003, I was pretty much broke and had nowhere to live. I had to ask my elderly Dad if I could move in with him. It was hard in a lot of ways as he still wanted to know where I was going and what I was doing (I'm in my 50's) and would time me coming home from work and be crabby if I was late. Apart from that, I kept house for him, cooked and generally looked after him. He's 96 now and has been in the early stages of dementia for a while, gradually getting worse. For the most part we got along really well and I know Dad was relieved and happy that I was there; it was a big help to both of us. Not so my sister and brother. They were afraid I would get some kind of advantage over them if I was living with dad and did and said things to turn Dad against me. Even though Dad gets Homecare to keep the house tidy, and has a chappy do the gardens and another fellow to take him shopping and look in on him now and then, he is lonely and bored and running out of all the interests he had in life. I eventually got the opportunity to move out into a place of my own but now when I go to visit Dad he often mentions about my coming back to live with him. It's not possible now as I have my own place that needs to be looked after and several pets who need certain conditions that Dad would not be happy with. It just seems so sad to me that there I was, willing to be there to look after my father but my sister having the hide to judge ME by HER standards. I still like to help people, especially the elderly and those who have difficulty helping themselves ( I have several rescued pets and I'm a volunteer driver in our small community) I doubt I will ever change. But I'm choosy who I help these days and I try to do so without being overly involved...it just doesn't work I've found. Give yourself a pat on the back for being someone who cares...even if you've been spat on in the past. You will find people to care about and help who will appreciate you and be grateful.

Most of my adult life I have tried to help and on many occasions it gets thrown back in my face. I guess I should be used to it by now but it still hurts when it happens.

What happened to you was quite bad especially if it's family. It happened to me too with a friend. And I really thought that she was my best friend. She was never satisfied with all the help that I have given her and she kept on telling me that she's always trying to help me in a lot of ways. Duh! In fact, it was the other way around. She even talked bad about me to our friends, it's a good thing they did not listen and told me about what she was doing. That was the end of it. Everytime I remember it I want to kill her.

hi wonttakelong, I feel that your are so much in pain. We had a proverb in our village that gives a meaning - "We went for the good and we faced the bad". It's hard to be good and takes long time, even to stop even a small bad habbit. But to turn from good to bad, it's very easy. I do faced some of the problems with my aunts, but by gods grace they understood me and I am happy now. I always used to have a positive hope in me and never gave up.

Hello ms wonttakelong! I think that you step daughter is going through what teenagers do and they are very hard to handle.It pays to be nice, that's what I think. :) Just give them space, let them know you care without saying anything that could trigger another argument. Just don't think about it so that you won't have a headache... mwahx. I hope you could figure this out...

I try and help anyone who asks for my help. The key is they have to ask for help. Otherwise, you're viewed as a busybody, someone who's interfering. With this approach, I can't remember a situation where it's backfired.

hi there wonttakelong, Im sorry to hear your sentiments, you must have been very sad now. I can understand you, people really have different views and perspective. which in sometimes you can be out of control and you'll be misunderstood. I also felt that there are times that you only aim for good, and have a good intention but there are people who just cant understand. I suggest you talk it over, might be this is just a misunderstanding. He/She might be thinking something about you and if you just let it be it will just going to be worst. Backfiring will only worsen your issues, you must talk. Goodluck and be positive.

For me I want that me is have a law on my own as the mother you make that they respect so that the family don't to to backfire in you.

yep, if you're too nice people will take advantage of you, but if you do nothing for people noone will respect you. There's a fine line, and I think that if you just stop doing stuff for them until they show you some respect, then they'll do more and it won't be so lopsided. For example:everyone will be really nice to the nice kid that lends the homework and lets you cheat off them on the test when they need help, but when they dont need help they never ask them to do anything. Thats why you can't be that person that gets taken advantage of.

Yes that happens to me a lot but don't give up trying because you should do what you like to do and i would have a talk with your husband and his daughter because they should give you some respect because you are taking your time to do something. So I know you might want to stop caring but don't because some day they will grow some manners and thank you for every thing you did and will do. I know that I would never want to be treated like that.

you should calm down for a while...and try to tackle these problem smoothly and wisely