An abusive relationship. I love him. What would you do?
By CarmenA
@CarmenA (127)
United States
March 3, 2010 1:41pm CST
I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years. He's always had somewhat of an "agressive attitude". There have been a lot of things that bother me about our relationship. He doesn't seem to know me or care about the things that make me special and who I am. He's just 'hard'... that's what I tell myself. Of course there are things that I do really like about him..but it's almost like he has a split personality. If something rubs him the wrong way, it's like a flip of the switch. We've had our share of fights..usually they are one sided..him yelling at me about stuff that I can't do right or stuff I mess up. He's made me feel really bad about myself a lot. I've always felt like he's too hard on me. Most men that I've dealt with in the past do not act like that, but he seems to think it's normal. I never thought he would try to hurt me. One day he grabbed me by the neck and put me against the wall(in front of his cousin). It really hurt my feelings. He apologized that time. Then a couple of months later he did it again and threatened to hit me and knock my teeth out. He never apologized for that. Then today, he hit me for the first time. He said that he was tired of me talking back to him. I didn't think I was talking back..which sounds silly anyway. I wasn't trying to be rude. I was just trying to get him to see my point. He's never interested in my point. That really bothers me too. I feel like my heart is breaking. He hit me pretty hard.. it had my head hurting for 30 minutes. I love him. But if you had asked me a couple of years ago what I would have done, I would have said I'd leave in a hot second. Now I'm sitting here thinking that I don't know anything but being with him, and I wish things were different. I know they won't change though. It's hard to leave when you love somebody though. What would you do?
7 people like this
30 responses
@inabubble (7)
• United States
3 Mar 10
What would I do? LEAVE
Leave as soon as you possibly can. His aggression is escallating and it WILL
only get worse. That is not love, you don't harm someone you love. Call home if you can, I don't know how old you are but if my daughter were 500 miles away from home and need help I'd figure out a way to get her home. If that is not an option, go to a shelter they can help you in more ways than providing a roof over your head. You said "It's hard to leave when you love somebody though" How hard is it going to be to stay with him? Do you want to live in fear? That IS going to be hard. Take Care of yourself !
3 people like this
@CarmenA (127)
• United States
3 Mar 10
You are right..my dad would flip out if he knew. He already doesn't approve of the relationship..for other reasons.. And I could go to a shelter..ugh.. why is this happening?? I feel so stupid for letting it go this far. By the way, I am 27 next month.
2 people like this
@Beautyfactor (1512)
•
3 Mar 10
Hi CarmenA, welcome to mylot!
I am really sorry to hear about your situation. It may be hard and I may sound hersh, but the right thing for you to do is to leave the relationship. I have never been in this situation so I cannot fully understand what you are going through, but from here it seems that your partner does not love, nor does he respect you. If he thinks that his agressive attitude is 'normal' then this abuse will not stop. Even if he say's he is sorry he will go on to do it again, afer all you have forgiven him once so he thinks he can do it time and time again. You have to ask yourself where you see this relationship is going. You may be in love but you do need to get out if this situation for your own safety. Do you have any friends or family you could go stay with for help and support?
2 people like this
@CarmenA (127)
• United States
3 Mar 10
This is so hard. I am still crying. No, I don't have anybody I could stay with. I'm afraid to tell anyone. I live 500 miles away from my family. I don't have any money. The only place I could go is to a shelter..and start all over by myself. Dang it, he's good to me a lot of the time, he just can't control his anger. I know what the right thing to do is... it's just going to be so hard.
3 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Mar 10
carmen grow up you are not a child, you can leave him, you must leave him. willyou stay have a baby and watch him beat the baby? no? then get out go to the police swear out a w ar rant for his arrest and get their help they will show you where to go and maybe help you get there, you have to tell yourself you are somebody you do not dese=rve to be hurt men who love women do not hurt them like that. he is a controller, he owns you that is obession not love.he does not want to control his anger, he enjoys his anger, he likes to see you scream. get out now. why wait. call your parents, get them to come get you five hundred miles be damned no good parents want their daughter hurt like that. I am elderly and it hurts me to think you are in such danger and so young and scared let us know how you are doing, my dear just leave and get help, you need your folks call them. now. please?
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
3 Mar 10
Carmen, please don't let you fear of people finding out override or diminish your fear of this man. He has not hit you once... he grabbed you and put you up against a wall twice before that. He has no qualms about hurting you and that is not just going to change - no matter how much you love him. Believe me... I know it's easy for other people to tell you to leave and hard for you to do it. My daughter is only 19 and has been in an emotionally abusive relationship (which I also suspected was advancing to physical abuse). It ripped my family apart to the core because my daughter insisted that she loved him - AND that he loved her. He was always sorry. He only got mad "because he loved her so much." It's not love when someone hits you. It's control and complete disrespect. You do not deserve that - from anyone. You would not let a stranger treat you that way and get away with it, right? Please don't let someone who is supposed to love and cherish what you have together hurt you that way. You say you wish things were different and they SHOULD be different. You are also right that they won't change... the only way to change them is for you to be strong and be the vehicle of change. You have to do it for yourself. Don't let him diminish your value and self-worth any more than he already has. Stand up and look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are beautiful and important. If you have no help nearby, get in your car and drive or get on a bus or whatever way it takes... and go until you get to someone you trust and where it's safe. If you can't do that, there are always places in your locality you can call. There is no amount of love in the world that will change a man that hits you. Please believe that. Take good care of you... because other people do care too. 
2 people like this
@artistry (4151)
• United States
4 Mar 10
...Hi there CarmenaA, You are playing in dangerous game. The first time a man grabs you, chokes you, hurts you in some way, or if he is verbally abusive to you, you should be honest with yourself and know that he does not mean you any good. He is an abusive man, plain and simple. Please don't make excuses for him, if you love him, it is a love that is cloudy with confusion. He does not respect you, as a result he is making you lose your own self-esteem and self respect. If you loved somehow the taste of arsenic, would you drink it, if you knew it would kill you. This man is arsenic, he will keep this up and you could wind up in the hospital or God forbid the morgue. This is serious, you need to leave him and don't look back. He hit you for the first time, no he didn't, he has been pushing, grabbing, threatening, all those are forms of violence, hitting for the first time is an after thought for him. Please, leave this man for your own safety. Hard to leave, how about being crippled and can't move or having a battered face. If you stay you will rue the day in my opinion, I am sorry to say. LEAVE!!! The LOVE you feel is not enough. Men with his nature escalate sometimes to murder.
2 people like this
@sleepylittlerose (1648)
• United States
3 Mar 10
I feel for you; but the only thing you can do is get out. I understand from your other post that you don't have family close but do you have a friend or a coworker that you could confide in. You may have to go to the shelter to get assistance but some shelters will help you get back to where your family is. They have means by which to provide you with a bus pass. His actions are escalating and are only going to become more violent if you stay. This is becuase he knows that you are going to take it. He currently thinks he has you under his control and this is a very typical abuser.
Be careful if he can get to your computer where you have typed this. He may be monitor what you are doing as part of his control and this may cause him to become even more angered. So, go in and change password and make sure you are logged out of each website so that he can not access this information.
PLEASE get out before you become a statisic. Your family will understand and more than likely help you in any way they can.
2 people like this
@Freespirit (593)
•
12 Mar 10
Carmena, There is really only one solution to such a big problem that you have.
GET RID OF HIM NOW.
But first of all tell your father.
Your father will come and give him the same treatment, maybe worse with a bit of luck, that your boyfriend is giving you.
These guys that beat and abuse women will never change. they are cowards and can only bully people smaller or younger than themselves.
It does not matter if you live out of town or anything, get yourself logged in to an internet site it is cheap and as long as you are careful, there are lots of decent people on there.
Again you must be careful and chat (not on the phone) just on the site for a month or so before even thinking of meeting anyone.
A good site is Incredidate.
But first get rid of your bully, it will only get worse.
1 person likes this
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
4 Mar 10
Hi Carmen... It seems as if you've fallen in love with a wrong guy. No offense! But after reading your post, I feel it that way. I think he has got some wrong idea about himself. You describe that he doesn't care to listen to your point of view. This is pretty common with many people. They think only of what they want, what they think! Seems as if he doesn't care about you at all... And now, he has done the worst..
I think, both of you should part for some time and think over it. Moreover, I suggest you make him understand that you feel humiliated and he has annoyed you. Then both of you take your time to think over it. It has become pretty complicated already, it seems. And before it gets more messed up, you should think about it carefully... Good Luck!
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Mar 10
mr pearl this is too serious to tell her to just part for a while, she has to get away from him now before he kills her, he is a batterer, what more is there to think about, he is a controller, so she parts for a few days and goes back to him then he will beat her to a pulp, no she must get away and stay away, she is not married to him, annoyed her my God he tried to hurt her,physically and he will get worse. no dont tellher platitudes tell her to leave him now. get away. do not go back.
A wife beater does not listen to her words he does not care about her words, he owns her, he controls her, he is obsessed, bad advice, Carmen get out of this now, he is not safe, he will kill you eventually if you are foolish enough to stay.
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
12 Mar 10
Hi Hatley... Well.. .I had wanted to write what you've written here, but I thought maybe, I don't know the situation fully and was pretty doubtful as to how my advice would work... Thanks to you!
Yes, Carmen; I think you should leave.. Quit! At the earliest moment, leave and never look back... He doesn't care about you and why should you care anymore? He is a guy who thinks he can do whatever he wants- not with you anymore... Leave before it is too late and before the damage is done. Trust me, this relation is going to take you nowhere. I hope you're out of it by now and if you are not, then my dear friend, leave immediately... Hope to read a happy reply from you next time...
Good Luck! :)
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
10 Mar 10
I have found throughout my life that when I have an enormous decision to make that the right thing to do is always the hardest thing.
You know you have to leave him and you know it will be hard but it won't be as hard as you think once you actually get away from him.
I stayed with my abusive first husband. He damaged my body and my self esteem and I've never recovered properly. He hurt our kids too. This guy you're with is a brutal b@st@rd. Treating you as he does is not loving you or being good to you. It's terribly unhealthy for you to believe you love him. Please wake up and get away from him as far as possible.
Be prepared for him to try and stop you too. He wants to control you and you are letting him.
@thyst07 (2079)
• United States
3 Mar 10
He doesn't make any effort to really know you or make you feel special. He yells at you and makes you feel bad about yourself. When there's a disagreement, he refuses to even listen to your point of view; in fact, he basically tells you that you don't even have the right to assert your point of view. And to top things off, he's physically abusive. And yet you say you love him? I don't buy it.
You admit yourself that part of the reason you haven't left is that you don't know anything besides being with him. I don't think you do love him- I think that you love the IDEA of loving him, and that you're making excuses to yourself to try to preserve some idealized view of your relationship.
I understand how frightening it can be to leave what you know and take a chance on what you don't know. I know how tough it is to not have anyone nearby that you can rely on for support or even a place to stay. But if you stay with the jerk you're with, things are just going to get worse. Scum like him never get better. He'll apologize over and over, but he won't change his behavior and he will hit you again. If there is a women's shelter in your area, go to them immediately and get help. If they're well organized, they can give you a place to stay temporarily and then help you get a place of your own. If your area doesn't have a women's shelter, then I'd say gather enough money to buy a bus ticket out of town and go somewhere that does have a women's shelter. Don't look back, and don't tell the dirtbag who hit you where you're going.
1 person likes this
@blessedboy (56)
• India
4 Mar 10
Pray to the living God, Lord almighty if you really Love him. Because when human power and efforts fails God's mercy begins to work and bring miraculous changes in the out of hand situations and conditions and persons.
Love is a pure emotion and God help those who carry true and unselfish love in their hearts for others.
I pray now that all powerful Lord Almighty God intervens in your life and bring wonderful changes in the behaviour and nature of your boyfriend. Amen!
1 person likes this
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
8 Mar 10
For the hand of God to intervene in someone's life, that person needs to be willing to change. God does not interfere with free will. This boyfriend chooses to hurt you and abuse you. It is wishful thinking that he will change because you pray. Perhaps God has a man for you who will treat you as he aught. If you continue to stay with this person who behaves like such a monster, you may never meet the man God intends for you.
I too believed God would intervene. I stayed with the abuser for a few months longer than I needed to, thinking and hoping and praying God would change him. I'm the one that needed to change. I needed to gather my dignity and leave.
You are grasping for hope Carmen. Hope is not a bad thing usually, but having hope that God will change him can be deadly for you. You can hope and pray from a distance.
1 person likes this
@bananamen1 (442)
• Bulgaria
4 Mar 10
l e a v e
Just do it. You say you love him - time will cure that. And you know what - I don't believe you really love him. Maybe it seems that you do, but I just can't believe someone can treat you like that and you can love him. Probably you have some fears not to be alone or I don't know what. But I really don't believe you can respect someone who don't respect you and who beat you. And how can you love someone that you don't respect? Then that's not love or at least not The Love.
Just leave him girl. You'll meet someone much better one day, someone who will respect you, who would care for you and will treat you like the special person that you are.
1 person likes this
@bananamen1 (442)
• Bulgaria
4 Mar 10
As someone had already said, that's the typical behavior of an abuser and victim. It's good that you point it as a problem, I hope soon you'll have the courage to do what you must do.
And about that if he's a good person or not - it's hard to believe he is. And it doesn't matter at all. He doesn't deserve you.
If you choose to stay, you'll get pregnant one day. And then if you are still together, you'll have to leave him because most probably he'll start to abuse the child too. And it would be much more harder for you to leave because you'll be more dependent. Think of this too..
I know such decisions are not easy to be taken, but I think you've already know you can't live like this whole life and you're just scared to leave. Fear will dissapear when you do it, Until then you'll always imagine the worst opurtunity
1 person likes this
@bananamen1 (442)
• Bulgaria
4 Mar 10
If you're afraid of him you can go to the hospital and say you've been abused and you want a document that there's a signs of that. With this you can go to police and lodge a complaint against him. I think he'll not do anything to after that...if you leave him of course. If he stays I don't think he'll change his behavior.
1 person likes this
@CarmenA (127)
• United States
4 Mar 10
It's like I know he won't change but I can't get it into my head that that's really who he is... Because when he's not that way he's so fun to be around..and so sweet to me.. Then he just flips the script or something. So right now it's like I can't believe I'm still here ..because I know when he comes around again acting like everythings fine (in his world)...I'll let myself forget until the next time. The smart part of me does not want that to happen... but I don't feel like I have any courage to leave.
1 person likes this
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
4 Mar 10
My last boyfriend sounds kind of like your guy, after about a month or so he started berating me and hitting me. I finally left him after he scared me for the last time. He grabbed me by my hair, dragged me a bit through the house, poured hot coffee on me, tore my clothes. I left. Later that evening he came to my door and forced his way in. He put his hands on my throat. He threw things at me, hit me square in the nose. As usual he took my cell phone so I could not call the cops. He broke it. I had enough, that morning was it. I loved him--but wait--I loved the person he PRETENDED to be when I met him. I loved the man that was sweet and kind and charming. I realized I did not love this man who berated me, hurt me and tossed me around like a sack of garbage. That man was not the man that I met.
Love reciprocates. Love begets love. Love is never rude. it does not put on airs. Love is kind. He does not love you; he is incapable of love. He can pretend to love you to keep you around so he can let his aggressions out on you. You deserve better. Yours is more difficult because he does not physically hurt you weekly or monthly. It is beginning to escalate now, so who knows if it will become monthly or more often. Once it begins it does not end until HE wants it to end. He may never want that.
Don't be afraid to be without him; you can do better. You are better than that. God has a wonderful plan for your life. Two years is nothing. What did you do before you met him? You can do without him if you want to. Part of you does not want to. Why? Do you believe him when he tells you that you are no good, when he calls you names? Do you really believe you cannot live without that?
You need to leave before it gets worse. It will get worse. Go to a womans shelter and talk to someone there. Get help, get out and away from him before it's too late.
1 person likes this
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
5 Mar 10
He wants control. He confuses you purposefully to keep you coming back to him. He's got you saying I'm sorry for the fight. He will care if you leave--because he will then have to find someone else to groom to control and manipulate. It hurts, I know. I'm not going to sugar coat it for you because being blunt may be the only way you will leave. You cannot understand him, because you do not understand abusers. You need to. Look online under domestic violence, domestic abuse. You will read about him there. You need to begin caring for yourself again.
Before I finally left my ex, I thought I cannot make him happy. There is nothing I do that pleases him (except when I am afraid) If he will not leave me, then I need to leave him so he can find someone to make him happy. I know that is not true, he will continue to be miserable. But it worked at the time. Because I cared more for him and the relationship than I did about myself.
You need to find yourself again. You need to realize you are valuable. You need to surround yourself with friends and family who can be there physically with you. Online we can only do so much. We cannot check on you at your home to see if you are safe and still alive, we cannot take you in because of distance. You need people in real time. Do not be ashamed to ask for help. You have made the first step by realizing there is something wrong and have hid yourself behind a computer screen to consult with total strangers. Stop hiding and get help from people you can look in the face. You deserve that. The next woman he meets deserves it too, because you may end up pressing charges and will save someone else from an abusive relationship and the hell you have gone through. Go to the police, file a police report. Go to the churches and ask for help. Go to your city hall and ask for help. They may at least be able to point you in the right direction.
@CarmenA (127)
• United States
4 Mar 10
What you say is true. But it is just so hard for me to understand how he changes.. from the person that I know and understand to someone that I don't know. It just doesn't make sense the way he acts. I know it bewilders me so much because I give him more credit than he deserves. To tell the truth, I don't think he knows what love is or how to love. He tells me that I am stupid..he's the stupid one. I know it. Damn it.. You know what hurts the most is I think that if I left he wouldn't even care. ---- I haven't seen him since it happened yesterday morning. It's noon now. Usually after we fight or something, I'll want to call or text him saying something about how I am sorry (when I shouldn't)...but this time...It's just like my mind is blank. I've just been sitting around the house..not knowing exactly what to think. I just can't understand..why does he even want to be with me if he acts the way he does? Why? It doesn't make sense to treat someone that way that you want to be with. Does it?
@Willow225 (39)
• United States
3 Mar 10
Hey Carmen I am sorry to hear about your situation. I feel for you. As much pain as I know it will cause you I agree with you leaving. every person has the right to respect and to be heard. Having been here I know it is hard and at times you will feel like your world is crumbleing but you can live throught it. You have to believe that you are better than the way you are being treated. I implore you to get out while you still have a piece of yourself. if you stay people like that can strip you of everything that makes you, you. After that if you do get out it is very hard to get your life back. If you choose to lesve it would be a good idea to get some counciling. You may feel like you dont need it and I respect that but after as long as you have been together you will need some halp and you may not realise just how much pain you are in. I wish for the best and hope all turns out okay. I know that I am a stranger to you but if you need to talk I am here.
1 person likes this
@mysticmaggie (2498)
• United States
4 Mar 10
If you are considering staying with this abusive person, you are a fool! If you 'love' someone who beats you, yells and screams at you, pushes you against the wall to show off for friends, you are a fool!
The question to ask here is "Do you have any respect left for yourself? Do you have the guts to leave him in the dust? Or, do you just want to whine about being abused while staying in it?
Get out and get out now, if you are really serious. Otherwise, it's a moot subject because you'll stay until he really hurts you bad or kills you and no one will be able to help.
Do I sound mean? No, I'm not. I saw someone I love very dearly go through this crap with the same excuses you are putting up. She's six feet under now because "she loved him sooooooooooooo much." Are you going to continue digging your own grave?
1 person likes this
@anightmoon (5)
• United States
4 Mar 10
I have been in that situation myself... The best thing you can do is leave, but until you make up your mind it is not going to do any good for anyone else to tell you that. Think of it this way- if it were your sister or your mom, what would you want them to do? Yes, it is scary (I had four kids at the time), but there is always someone there if it has to be here or a professional that will help you. It might start with yelling and a smack or two, but usually gets worse. I was choked, with him on top of me on the floor and he told me to call the police on him before I did anything about it.
1 person likes this
@alexysabelle (905)
• Philippines
5 Mar 10
when there is violence is a relationships it becomes unhealthy for both partner to stay together or the act becomes a habit. when it becomes a habit its difficult to find true meaning of staying together because you love each other.
there is no love in violence i believe. but remember, you ALWAYS, and ALWAYS HAS a CHOICE, you can choose to stay and be bitten up, or you can choose to stay away and preserve your dignity and self respect. TAKE a PICK..
take care of yourself Carmen..
1 person likes this
@myramae19 (667)
• Philippines
4 Mar 10
Hi carmenA..as a woman, I really feel for you.
As what almost all of the members says..LEAVE..
how could you still love that kind of person, he don't deserve you, your love.
He's too hard on you, he even hit you many times.. now where is the love there?
That person treated you like a slave.
Go back to your family..they will accept you with arms wide open.
1 person likes this
@khalida (1126)
• India
4 Mar 10
hey! its really sad to hear what u r going through.... have u spoken to him abt his behaviour that he feels genuinely sorry!? are u sure he loves u? cause if he loves u, the least he can do is to be interested in what u think and listen to u. he doesn't seem to be doing any of that!
may be he does love u in his own ways.... to check that just break-up with him foe sometime and check his state! if he misses and wants u back BADLY? let him fear that u would leave him!! then atleast i hope he wont take u for granted!
i really hope and pray u feel better honey! :)
1 person likes this
