Right for me, wrong for you
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85146)
Shingle Springs, California
56 responses
@mysdianait (66009)
• Italy
4 Mar 10
I read in one of your comments that it has been like this for six years. I reached eight and then snapped and gave up trying to keep everything together for the sake of... for the sake of what? I ask myself this often now that 18 years have gone by since I made that decision.
If you have given it everything what is the point of kidding yourself any longer that it is best for you, him and the children that you stay together? I feel that a broken home is better by far than one held together with false smiles and lies 'just for the sake of it'. Oh yes there is a lot of hurt involved but that heals with time.
'Or just do it and move on with your life?' When you realise that it is your life and that YOU should being leading it instead of letting others drag you along through it, then something will snap with you too and you will know how to make that decision too Dawn, for everyone's sake.
Hugs! 
4 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Mar 10
Oh I do like that last paragraph! Thanks. :-)
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
4 Mar 10
Hi Dawn. I'm no expert in the relationships department but what I do know is this; from what I have read from you on MyLot in my short time I have been here I realise how intelligent, funny, and sensitive you are (the latter not in a bad way as my Mum is exactly the same, she thinks of others before herself, always has done) so all I can say is that 3 hugs are coming your way and I hope they help. You will make the right decision whatever it may be. I'm sure of that. Good luck in all you do.
2 people like this
@kiran0074u (564)
• India
4 Mar 10
i think we can end by satisfying most of people......... there are some decisions that hurts some oneor the other.... but not all the decissions ------ends up hurting some one..
2 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Mar 10
It's the right decision, but somebody else isn't going to see it that way...
@GardenGerty (160952)
• United States
4 Mar 10
I do not know what to tell you for sure, though I am guessing about the situation. Are there more than two people involved? Then what is right for most of the people involved is the best choice.. You may have to remind yourself many times that it is not okay to hit. Do not beat yourself up.Give yourself permission to be angry with the offending party, though.
. You may have to remind yourself many times that it is not okay to hit. Do not beat yourself up.Give yourself permission to be angry with the offending party, though.2 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Mar 10
More than two, yep, me, R and three beautiful children... :-(
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
11 Mar 10
This is a hard one. I supposed you've looked at things from every angle? Is there no compromise? Can you live happily with your decision? Guesswork is hard; knowing the circumstances would help us to help you. Sorry I'm late responding. 
Consider yourself hugged
Consider yourself hugged @MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
11 Mar 10
The only people you need to take into consideration are yourself and the children. Can you manage financially and physically? If there are no hardships in this area that's a huge plus. You've tried everything and yet you are unhappy. Will you be happy with the consequences if you leave? Will the children be in a happier more stable environment? The other family member has to deal with the consequences of his actions, or his failure to act. He can't have it all his own way all the time.
My decisions to leave each of my situations were fraught with torment and hurt. I was desperately unhappy and in one case afraid and coming to that time to actually go was a huge, scary step that needed lots of planning. In each case except the last it was such a relief to get away and I was much better off in every way. I landed on my feet and realised it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. The last time was harder. I agonised about leaving for a couple of years and I was so stressed out and in debt over that time. I really liked my ex and we had a good life except for his drinking and irresponsibility with money. He was unhappy too and resenting me and lying to me. It cost me everything I had to move away and I had nowhere to go but backwards and return to a place I had lived before. My world fell apart because I had needed to rely on others helping me this time and I was let down across the board.
I've just had to make the best of things and accept where I have ended up and be very grateful for what I have and try not to think about what I don't have.
Trust me on this, you are half way (or even further) to being gone already. It will happen so if I can offer you any advice, don't keep putting it off. The longer you stay there will be harder and more damaging on everyone.
Maybe you can still be in touch, not break the connection entirely. At least then, you won't have to suffer the day to day indignity of living with all that makes you unhappy.
More hugs, you know where I am if you need to talk or vent.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Mar 10
I make enough money, maybe not for this house, but for a smaller one. I can do things physically, especially if the children help. Although, he has been Mr. helpful all this week, and it did make me realize how much harder things could possibly be if he isn't around helping. It doesn't change my feelings though. I am definitely a lot more than half gone. He'll still be around anyway, he's not walking out on his kids.
2 people like this
@CroakDesigns (160)
• United States
5 Mar 10
It is hard, but you have to do what is right for you. You have to think about you, and your happiness, and don't beat yourself up over anything.
If this other person that you care about, cares about you too, then they would want you be be happy. Never let anyone stand in the way of you being happy. I did this for too many years before I realized I wasn't doing anyone any good by dragging things out.
I am now happier than I ever thought possible. I now I did the right thing for everyone.
@CroakDesigns (160)
• United States
5 Mar 10
And if there are children involved, you do of course have to think about their happiness, but you can NOT sacrifice your happiness for theirs. If a parent is unhappy, it is not good for the children.
Talk to your kids and explain the situation. Kids are amazing and often more understanding than adults. We only get one life and we deserve to be happy for our short time in this world.
1 person likes this
@grecychunny26 (9483)
• Philippines
16 Mar 10
its hard to say your decision when you know it becomes wrong to people you love. When it is inside our family, we do a vote. If there are more votes on the wrong side, then the wrong side wins, and if there is more on the right then it wins. Yes we really do voting in my family. Every decision is important, we do check on each sides what benefits more, who will be hurt, such kind of things. Sometimes when I am alone in a decision, I give way even it will hurt me more. I look on the side of more benefits that off myself. In other words, I am not selfish. Even if I will be the one who will suffer I will take a risk. That is how I love my family and friends. And its hurt when they can’t the same.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
5 Mar 10
Which is what my husband calls "having everything my way" 
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
5 Mar 10
It would be so much easier if we could all agree on everything!
@chrystaltears (3392)
• United States
5 Mar 10
I'm sorry, but I can't answer that honestly as there's not enough information.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
5 Mar 10
Dang, you haven't been following the entire story of my life?
No problem...
No problem...
@marguicha (223777)
• Chile
4 Mar 10
I knew what it was all about before I finished reading the different answers, dawn. And yes, I give you a big . From what you have said in other posts, your husband has a TEMPER! I think that you can cope with it up to a certain point and provided he respects you. But if he harms you, either in body or soul, and won´t even try to seek help, you have to think about putting an end to that, if not for you, for your children.
Children do not flourish in violence of any kind. Later in life, they will either become bullies or will accept being bullied. None of this is good for them.
You can try up to some point to make your husband see your point of view. But there´s a moment where there is no going back. Something breaks and to go on is to have something patched up. That doesn´t make anyone happy.
Yes love. You do need a hug! But I want to tell you that this is just my opinion. I hope you find wiser opinions seeking them within yourself.
. From what you have said in other posts, your husband has a TEMPER! I think that you can cope with it up to a certain point and provided he respects you. But if he harms you, either in body or soul, and won´t even try to seek help, you have to think about putting an end to that, if not for you, for your children.
Children do not flourish in violence of any kind. Later in life, they will either become bullies or will accept being bullied. None of this is good for them.
You can try up to some point to make your husband see your point of view. But there´s a moment where there is no going back. Something breaks and to go on is to have something patched up. That doesn´t make anyone happy.
Yes love. You do need a hug! But I want to tell you that this is just my opinion. I hope you find wiser opinions seeking them within yourself.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Mar 10
I kind of got to the bottom of it this morning. He is having major separation anxiety. Long story, but he's left so many friends behind in his life, that he's afraid to make friends. Along comes me and I'm the one 'friend" who is supposed to stay with him forever, and he's freaking.
He swears he can control the anger, but I give that a fairly low percentage of success...
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Mar 10
Too many years....
Your English is just fine and thanks for the hug! :-)
@vandana7 (100616)
• India
11 Mar 10
Hi Dawn, I have a different way of deciding this. I take into count the total number of loved ones - not essentially family. Then I assess how many of them will be happy with the outcome of my decision. If more are likely to become happier, then I tell myself I will make it up to those who become unhappy in the process. If more are likely to be unhappy, then I review my situation, whether it is something so difficult for me to put up with. If it is indeed very difficult to tolerate, then it is likely that I might start resenting people for whom I'd be sacrificing. So sacrifice is what I would never resort to because it leaves everybody unhappy after sometime. So if it is unbearable situation, and even if it hurts some dear ones, I'd still go ahead with a hope that I will make it up to those who are hurt in the process. I am not the wisest person. But this is the way I think. Take care Dawn, whatever your decision, we are with you.
@bystander (2292)
• Philippines
5 Mar 10
i usually make a decision after asking myself some questions, dawnald. first is, will my decision affect me and/or my family? next is, will it favor me or any member of my family? then, will it hurt someone? summing up, will the decision give me advantage, but will be a disadvantage to others? then i try to extrapolate on possibilities and scenarios and try harder in coming up with a better decision -- one that is advantageous to me but not to others... if that difficult and it's easier to leave making a decision, i return to square one.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
5 Mar 10
Sounds complicated, but then so is this situation...
@workingmoms (195)
• Philippines
5 Mar 10
Hi Dawn..sometimes it is so hard to make decisions in life that may affect other people. There are times that you really need to do it. It depends on the situation maybe. If it is not intentionally done to hurt somebody because of your decision then you shouldn't be guilty about it.
Ask for guidance from Above. Prayer helps a lot Dawn.
2 people like this
@polachicago (18716)
• United States
4 Mar 10
I would always consider people around me...my happiness is in close relationship with my family. I would try to find gold borderline to make my decision and not hurt anyone around...
2 people like this
@TheGreatWhiteBuffalo (4822)
• United States
5 Mar 10
Dawn Gets A Huge ((((HUG))))
You don't think that I made my decisions lightly?
I couldn't live with the consequences of the pain that I would have to suffer to endure such pain would surely put me over the edge.
Any time you need a hug just write,
I'm here for you and anyone in our situation.
Peace be with you and Blessings,
This is tough,
How I know!
Sincerely,
Gary
2 people like this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
4 Mar 10
i'M SENDING U A GREAT BIG HUG,DAWN. i HOPE U ARE O.K. i'M A GOOD LISTENER if u need to talk. pm me. Life is short, u need to be happy.
2 people like this
@Wizzywig (7847)
•
5 Mar 10
I've made a lot of decisions that were totally WRONG for me to avoid hurting other people... some i cared for, some I really didnt. On the few occasions that I've made right decisions for me, I have gone through all the guilt-trip stuff. Things happen and I say "Right! I'm going to do what I want now...." - no-one believes me
Anyways
Anyways 2 people like this
@much2say (56057)
• Los Angeles, California
5 Mar 10
Oh, dawnald . . . just read your "announcement" above. Wowsers. Well, I don't know the entire situation . . . but it sounds like you've already thought about it long and hard. Well, my dad would say - if you make a decision, be confident about it - don't look back - no regrets. And my mom would say - don't stay someone just because you feel sorry them (that's a piece of advice passed down from my grandfather). But as with any advice, I know it's easier said than done. All I can offer right now are triple hugs . . . (I would give you a quad, but they don't allow it :P )
(I would give you a quad, but they don't allow it :P )2 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
5 Mar 10
confident - working on that. hugs back... :-)
