Married! Ten Years, No Kids! Spouse Wants a Divorce, Fight or Give Up??
By artistry
@artistry (4151)
United States
March 9, 2010 2:47pm CST
You have been married for ten years, love your spouse, you don't have any children. Not aware of any obvious marital problem. If your spouse came to you and said they do not love you any more, and they wanted a divorce, would you accept it and honor their request? Or would you try to save your marriage before giving in and saying yes to a divorce? Share your thoughts.
7 people like this
42 responses
@ibuemma (2953)
• United States
9 Mar 10
To get married and to stay in a marriage need two people in it. And if one of them already make a statement that they no longer have anymore love it will be hard to keep the marriage. But I think it will worth to give it a try to save it before saying yes to a divorce. At least you deserve an explanation why the love is no longer there.
4 people like this
@artistry (4151)
• United States
10 Mar 10
...Hi there ibuemma, I think that you gave a good point, Talk to your spouse to find out why they do not love you anymore, if they can or will tell you. If they really want to leave the relationship, I would say let them go and move on with your life. It is as you say, two people have to work at it, marriage takes dedication to making it a success each and every day. If the love is gone, what is going to keep you there? Thank you for your thoughtful response. Take care.
@Beautyfactor (1512)
•
9 Mar 10
I think I would respect their desicion, but not without finding out why my spouse felt the way he did. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where the love I was giving was not given back to me. If my husband was certain he wanted the divorce I would probably suggest he left the marital home and the divorce would be imminent.
@artistry (4151)
• United States
10 Mar 10
...Hi Beautyfactor, I think, knowing myself and the way I have been during my life, I don't want anyone who does not want me. So if I were confronted with the situation, I would talk to him, as you would and find out why he felt the way he did, if there was something that we could do like counseling then I would be willing to give it one last shot. If he did not want to go through counseling, then the best thing to do would be to let him go. Life is much too short to try to keep someone in a relationship, when they want to leave. I agree with you. Thanks so much for your response. Take care.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
9 Mar 10
Hi Artistry,
When it's over, it's over. You can't force someone to love you if they do not. You can't even convince them that somewhere deep down they do if they are insisting that they don't. There is no point in it even if you love the person and wish it could be different. I would honor the person's request and hope that they change their mind before all is said and done if I still loved them. If they did not then I would work on re-building my own life apart from that person. To do anything else would more than likely push them further away then they already are. No matter how much I love a person, I would not want to be with them if they do not want to be with me. In fact, if you really love a person even if you don't like their decision you would bottom line above all else want that person to be happy even if it is not with you.
@artistry (4151)
• United States
10 Mar 10
...Hi there sid, Hope you are doing well. That is my opinion as well. Your words are my thoughts exactly. If you try to change the person's mind, when they tell you they don't love you any more, you are underminding the individual. In essence you are trying to tell them that they don't know their own mind. That sets up a battle of wills, and for what? Let the person go, hold on to your self-respect because you are putting yourself in a begging situation, if you try to make them stay with you. Give them the divorce and look for happiness sonewhere else. Wish them well, and it is so as you say, if you love the person, you want them to be happy. Thanks for a well thought out response. Take good care.
1 person likes this
@jugsjugs (12967)
•
9 Mar 10
I think that i would go for the divorce that they wanted as there is no point of staying in a marriage where there is no love aswell as the person telling you that they do not love you.If there were no children involved then it would be easy to start a new life on your own,but ten years is a very along time.You never know they may be just wanting space and that is all they want.
3 people like this
@jmsplp (26)
• Philippines
10 Mar 10
MArriage is sacred. no one is to be blamed if they don;t have a child. Having no child is not the reason for separation/divorce. Try to answer this question, "Why did you marry that person?" Because you love each other. Having no child is just a second part in a married life. What is important is you love each other. I watched a movie one time and there is aline that goes this way, "I can live without a child/children, but i cannot live without you my wife." i think this is very interesting. Well, adapt a child, maybe it will make you happy.
@artistry (4151)
• United States
10 Mar 10
...Hi jmsplp, You have a very interesting perspective on the situation. You think that a child may be the reason for one person wanting a divorce or both. I must first say that this is a hypothetrical situation, so what you read into it is your call. I am not sure that a person would fall out of love with their spouse or stop loving them if they did not have a child in the marriage, but I do think that people have divorced because one wanted a child and the other didn't, so marriages do end because of the lack of children sometimes. Thank you very much for your response. Take care. Also welcome to the ranch, enjoy yourself if I haven't said so before.
@allknowing (136411)
• India
10 Mar 10
There has to be a tangible reason for divorce which courts would accept. Apart from this formality it is disturbing that someone would just say that they do not love you. No one in their senses would be so blunt unless there have been reasons to come to this conclusion. One needs to sort it out. Having no children is not a reason to seek divorce. One can always adopt.
3 people like this
@artistry (4151)
• United States
10 Mar 10
...Hi there allknowing, I have to let you know that this is a hypothetical situation. It is not real. But having said that, this happens in real life, people fall out of love with their spouses. I would think that there would be signs that things are not going well, before the person asks for a divorce, as you imply. The mention of not having any children was just that, that there were no children in the family, not that the lack of children was a reason for a divorce. Thanks so much for your response. As for a tangible reason, there are states that have no-fault divorces I believe so that should not be a problem. Take good care.
@ShepherdSpy (8544)
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
10 Mar 10
You need to find out why you've been hit with this Double whammy of Why She says She no longer Loves You,and Wants a Divorce..I can't possibly comment on the strength of your relationship from how you got together,through getting married,to this point where a breakup now seems inevitable..but personally,I don't think there's much point left for holding on to a relationship when one partner wants out..You don't have a family,(this wasn't an issue during the 10 Years?)so that's hopefully not a factor,so In a Divorce it's down to whether someone else is involved,or there are issues that point to an irrevocable breakdown of the relationship..good Luck with this...
1 person likes this
@ShepherdSpy (8544)
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
11 Mar 10
It's all about the discussions and responses here on Mylot,so from that perspective that was a good one..I have to say that (through being tactful) I was holding back on the thought that a person in that position that had no clue their partner no longer had feelings for them and wanted out of the marriage wasn't in tune with their partner any more,(if they ever were attuned...)Just sayin...
@artistry (4151)
• United States
11 Mar 10
...Hi ShepherdSpy, Please don't hate me for not disclosing that this was a hypothetical situation and not a real life problem. Although people do have this happen to them. If this were real, I would feel the same as you do, why try to hold on to someone who does not care for you anymore? It would not make any sense.
If you are going to have a successful relationship. You need two willing people giving it their best, one can't do it alone. Thanks for your response, take care.
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
10 Mar 10
Since this is an open discussion, I take it that you are discussion this on a general thought. Any guy and lady in this kind of situation, and like what you said..married for 10 years with no kids, they would definitely think about it pretty much. But for one of them to leave the other based on that reasoning alone doesn't sound too fair to me. That's because the emotional hurt must be felt by both parties and not just one spouse. Sometimes the wife wants to back out of the marriage and sometimes the husband. Different people with different situations, for instance. The best way is to sit and talk through, rather than leaving the spouse and blaming the other. There are also stories whereby the husband is the impotent one, or the wife is the one not able to give birth. Both shouldn't blame each other in my opinion and should stick through thick and thin. Good topic, I'm glad to be able to say something, even though I am not an expert in these things. Take care.
2 people like this
@artistry (4151)
• United States
10 Mar 10
...Hi zed_k4, You are correct in my opinion, that two people need to be able to talk about what is going on. If it can be worked out then good. But if the love that one had for the other no longer exists, then there needs to be an amicable separation. One persom cannot hold a marriage together by themselves, it takes two. So if after talking it over and it remains that one wants to leave the relationship, I say let them go and wish them well. Life is too short. Thanks so much for your response. Take good care.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
10 Mar 10
hi artistry is it because you cannot have children, that often happens or is there another person? I would not fight too much against it as if he no longer loves you it just would be hell to live with him. without
'kids divorce is much easier. I would honror his request and hope that one day soon you would find a man who adores you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I dont think that fighing for your marriage is going to help if h e fells this way after ten long years but he should give you some reasons for this and not just drop that out of a clear blue sky. I
2 people like this
@artistry (4151)
• United States
10 Mar 10
..Hi there Hatley, Hope you are doing well. I guess I should have said up front that theis was a hypothetical situation, But it is, although in real life this sometimes happens. People do stop loving people, I would think that there would be some indication of changes in a person's feelings before they ask for a divorce. But if this did actually happen, I would allow them to get the divorce, you can't force someone to keep loving you. I would want to know why, if they could tell me. Thanks so very much for your response. Take good care.
@artistry (4151)
• United States
10 Mar 10
...Hi there Wizzywig, I would certainly agree with you. Someone once said, "when the fire has gone out, you do not need the firetruck any more." So as you say, who wants to be in a one-sided relationship? The only thing that would grow would be hostility and anger. Let the person go where they want to go and you keep walking. Time can do a lot to heal wounds. Look for happiness around another corner. Thanks so much for stopping by. Take good care.
@yugasini (12893)
• Secunderabad, India
10 Mar 10
hi artistry,
I can first convince her by myself and then if she was not agree,then i will try it with her relatives and my relatives and other faimily members,first of all this type of question did not arise in our community,most we people would not go for divorcee for most of the reason,but some is there like that,have a nice day
2 people like this
@artistry (4151)
• United States
10 Mar 10
...Hi there yugasini, You would put a lot of effort into trying to change their minds and staying in the relationship. Very interesting. It is more than likely a
good thing that this does not happen in your community, that way the marriages last longer. Thanks so very nuch for responding to the discussion. I appreciate your input. Take good care.
@olydove (1209)
• United States
9 Mar 10
I agree with ibuemma. When you are married you take sacred vows to love, and to honor, for better for worse etc.. children or no children, and marriage is a marriage.
If my husband came to me and said "I don't love you anymore I want a divorce" I would ask him to give me some time a few days to think about things, and then we would discuss it. I would leave it up to him if he wanted to stay in the home during that time period, or go stay somewhere else temporarily. I would then try and think about what had or had not been happening within the past few months. I would ask him after a couple of days I would ask him to talk, and try to find out why he thinks he is no longer in love with me, and how long has he been feeling this way.
After the conversation if it seems that there is truly no hope in saving our marriage I would respect his wishes.
3 people like this
@artistry (4151)
• United States
10 Mar 10
...Hi olydove, I think what you say makes good sense. If there had been no indication that he was dissatisfied with the marriage, then I would certainly want to know from him why he feels the way he did. We would talk it over, and after talking about it, if I saw that he was totally sincere about wanting a divorce and there was no love left for him to give me, then I would let him start proceedings and I would not contest it. I would get on with the rest of my life and try to find happiness where I could. Thank you for a very reasonable response. Take good care.
@crysontherocks77 (1273)
• United States
9 Mar 10
Sounds to me like there is more to the story than what you are saying. Is the spouse seeing someone because that could be grounds for the other spouse to sue. abandonment. It depends really on what the situation is. My brother was married for 1.5 with no kids but 6 months later she came back and tried to say one was his and it turned out not to be thank god. It's not a classic case but cheating and adultry are the number two reasons people get divorced. The judge has to okay the divorce and if the spouce is saying I want a divorce just because of it then it might be harder for the spouse than for the other person involved. The judge has to agree that there can't come an agreement between you two and then if he decides to sign the paper then it becomes legal. but if he or she has no presidence for the divorce then it might harder doing the divorce. maybe they just need to separate and see if there is something that needs to be worked on.
@artistry (4151)
• United States
10 Mar 10
...Hi crysontherocks77, Thank you for sharing your brother's story. I have to let you know that this is purely hypothetical. If in rewality, one person has no feelings left for the other person in a relationship, I think the smart thing to do would be to have a no fault divorce if available and let it go. There is nothing more exasperating than to try to hold on to someone who wants to leave you. Move on if this happens to you in real life. Thanks so much for responding. Take care.
@achilles2010 (3051)
• India
10 Mar 10
If two people have been married for ten years and they have not had any obvious marital problem except that they did not have any children then there is no ground for divorce. Courts, at least in India, grant divorce on grounds of incompatibility, but not before extending them another chance to reconsider their decision. If ever I find myself in such a situation then of course I would try to save my marriage first. I will try my best to avoid an unpleasant situation. I will not just say yes, just because he or she wants a divorce. I will do a little bit self-examination to see where the fault lies. If I were to be blamed then I would correct myself. All you know for the ground that you have mentioned the court would never grant a divorce.
@artistry (4151)
• United States
10 Mar 10
...Hi achilles2010, I think trying to work things out before agreeing to a divorce makes a lot of sense. Although if the other person did not want to stay in the marriage due to not loving the person anymore, if it were myself, I would let them get the divorce. In the United States there are states that grant no-fault divorces, I believe. If one could not got a divorce based on the real reason, then incompatabilty or irreconcilable differences as they say should be sufficent for granting a divorce. Thanks very much for your input. Take good care.
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
10 Mar 10
If I love my spouse I will try to fight to make my marriage works. If I truly love her and I don't see anything that is unsurmountable I would give my all to make my marriage work. I will talk it out with her and even try to go to counselling sessions if needed. I also try to give her time to reflect on her decisions. I will try to fix what she does not like in me. If after all this she still wants a divorce, yes I would grant it. It is no use to be with someone who does not want to be with you.
1 person likes this
@artistry (4151)
• United States
11 Mar 10
...Hi there ronaldinu, You are going to fight for your marriage as hard as you can, which is admirable. I would think that ten years of being together would deserve trying to do what you can to try to save it, and not just walk away. All the things that you state are good to try before giving up on the sitution. One would hope that things would improve, but if not, as you say,
I would have to let them do what they want to do and move on with my life, as I feel the same as you. Take care and thanks for responding.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
12 Mar 10
You mean I married for love and not to have children and my husband now wants a divorce because he doesn't love me anymore? If the marriage is suppose to be based on love, then I would set him free. He said it point blank he doesn't love me , so it is over.
1 person likes this
@artistry (4151)
• United States
12 Mar 10
....Hi sarhruthbeth22, I would agree with you, if someone did not want to be with me anymore, for whatever reason, then I would open the door and help him to move on to whereever he wanted to go. No love, fine. There are a lot more people in the world. Like I mentioned before, if the fire goes out, you don't need the fire engine anymore. Let it go. Thanks for your input, take good care.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (72131)
• United States
17 Mar 10
I would try first to understand what happened to cause him to stop loving me. I would try to work it out if he was willing but if not then whats the point you cant hold on to something that wants to be let go. My husband and I never got along the whole time we were married so when I finally couldnt take it anymore I called it quits after being with him for 8 years and married for 6. He was devestated but to me looking at our whole marriage it should have been obvious that it was over before it started.
1 person likes this
@artistry (4151)
• United States
18 Mar 10
...Hi there shaggin, I would think that starting at that point would be a good idea. From there, as you say, if things can be worked out, then great. You faced a situation in real life of a breakdown in your marriage. It would seem that if your husband was devastated, then was he listening to you during the marriage?
To me, that seems to be the problem in many cases, people don't talk or listen to you, they hear what they want to hear and say what they think you want to hear or not. They may not even care what you want to hear or how you feel. It takes two.
Thanks very much for your response, take care.
@ziyadahinc212 (552)
• United States
12 Mar 10
My first question is how long has my spouse/lady-friend/lover etc been feeling this way and can WE try to ""WORK IT OUT"?!
1 person likes this
@artistry (4151)
• United States
12 Mar 10
...Hi there ziyadahinc212, That does sound like a good starting point. To try to find out if there is some way or other that we could get back to where we once were. Or perhaps counseling might be a good thing, if both agree. Sometimes, as someone else mentioned, people get in a rut, and maybe just need a little space to reflect. If after all of that has been exhausted, then I would probably pray and let the chips fall where they will. Thanks for your response, take good care.
@curiousplay54 (341)
• Malaysia
12 Mar 10
If i were in such situation, I will want to fight for my marriage. Why should I end my marriage just because suddenly he feels that he no longer loves me? I will not give in to his request and try to win his affection back.
@artistry (4151)
• United States
12 Mar 10
....Hi there curiousplay54, I have to say that I am impressed with your self confidence, and your thought that you can rekindle the love he once had for you.
The love that the two of you shared was a part of what made the marriage work, so if you can find that again, perhaps it can continue to be a good relationship. Thanks so much for your response, take good care.
@unstopabble (452)
• Philippines
25 Apr 10
wow i think thats hard. will you must have a heart to heart talk to him first. ask him what really is the problem. if she is already seeing someone. try to talk to your friends and family.they can help with your problems.
@artistry (4151)
• United States
26 Apr 10
...Hi there unstopabble, Great name. Thanks very much for your advice, that would be a good start. I appreciate your valid concern. I must let you know that this is not a real situation, it is a hypothetical one, a "what if". I have to say though, that this goes on all the time, all over the place. People get bored, they want a change and they go looking for something or someone different. Thanks again and take care.