Am I right or wrong?
By dloveli
@dloveli (4366)
United States
March 13, 2010 7:14pm CST
If you dont already know I am a visiting nurse. I have this patient I see on a regular basis. Stroke victim. She is unable to walk and requires round the clock care. Since Ive started it was clear to see she was becoming very accustomed to having things her way. She eats huge plates of food and her daughters attitude is "whatever her heart desires." She is slowly but surely backsliding. She doesnt allow them to cut her food. She literally makes a pig out of herself. I cant watch her eat. She has been pooping water for almost 4 weeks. Its disgusting. I try to tell the daughter that because she isnt mobile she maybe shouldnt eat so much and such greasy foods. Because she isnt mobile her body doesnt metabolize as ours does. So the food doesnt break down as it should. The daughter doesnt want to hear it. She thinks she knows better. She has pushed her mom so that she has really done better than the doctors ever thought she would. Because of this the daughter has a god complex, all knowing. I almost think that when they know a nurse is coming to help with her they feed her thing so she'll have diarrhea. How gross. Not to mention that she is gaining a ton of weight. As it is now ww have to transfer her from bed to chair with two people. She doesnt believe that she needs a lift to help. If she keeps gaining a lift will be the only way. Not to mention the weight can kill her. Tonight she pulled a fast one and I told her like it is. She at a small bowl of seafood salad and a plate of cold cuts, no bread. I didnt choose her menu. She also insisted on having three cups of hot chocolate, tall ones. Her daughter doesnt think it will bother her! Well tonight I went to get her injection and she conned her son into making her a sandwich. When I went back the son was upset because he thought she didnt eat. When I told him what she ate and that she was being sneaky. He called her on it yet still gave her the sandwich. So when it was time for me to leave she started banging her cup as if she wanted more hot chocolate. I told her no because she has more meals and hotchocolate in four hours than a normal person eats in a whole day. Im sorry but Im not going to play into that. I am there to make her feel better but not at the expense of her gorging herself then Shi*ting all over herself. It needs to stop and I guess Im the one who had to put it to their attention. Am I right?
5 people like this
14 responses
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
14 Mar 10
As a professional I believe you are. You have the woman's wellbeing in mind, and I'm not saying that the family doesn't, but they are giving in to her when they should be pushing her to eat less.
They're feeding her what she wants, which is fine, but better in moderation.
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
14 Mar 10
Oh Cowgirl! It is so frustrating. I think in a way the daughter ignores my suggestions as a form of control. Its clear she has her own issues. She's always saying to her mother that she is the blacksheep and her mom liked her brother better. When she says this my patient begins to get aggrivated and rolls her eyes. The daughter is the major player. She handles all the big decisions. I think she is petty and has to remind everyone she is in control. Its a hard situation to be in but Im beginning to see how it has to be handled. Just like the other day someone gave her a box of gloves that they use for deli meats. They are loose and when changing all the diarrhea it can get on our hands. I have complained that this is a good way to catch hepatitis A and she still didnt change them. That made me want to punch her. Its okay if she doesnt care about herself but I do. I have a family that I love and need very much. I am gonna just keep documenting everything. I love my patient I just want them to understand how decision affect everyone involved in her care. Thanks again. dl
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
16 Mar 10
Their is one word that comes to mind that I could say the daughter is being and that's a brat! So the client's daughter provides the gloves? Seems like she is being awfully cheap to go with gloves that are loose fitting and I am sure also thin! I know that the ones used for medical care are thicker latex and are made to fit snug!
Keep Documenting, The daughter's day will come, and I just hope she's smart enough to open her eyes and realize how much of a spoiled brat she's being.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
15 Mar 10
You are absolutely right. As a nurse it is your job to look out for the best interest of the patient and it shouldn't make you feel bad that you are doing your job in the best way that is possible.
I can't believe that the patient's family isn't also looking out for her best interest. I would think that they would want to do everything in their power to assure that their mother would have the best quality of life for the remainder of her days and they aren't doing it so you definitely need to act as her advocate.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
14 Mar 10
hi dloveli oh I do feel for you, been there and done that. I was a nurses aide for many years, and the last day I worked I was nearly 9 months pregnant and they sent me over to this out building they had for special patients, my patient was a stroke victim who was close to 370 pounds in a bed which could not be lowered and I was to bath her and change her linens. well the bath went pretty well, but to change her bedding of course I had to roll her onto her side, now I was onlyfeeet 2 inches tall , the bed was high,so here I am big belly and all standing on a step stool tryhing to get chubby to roll over a bit more to roll the sheet to the middle. here comes a doctor and h e had a fit. he yelled at me,"Mrs Hatley are you trying to kill your baby? get down from there, I will sent an orderly over here, my sister weighs almost four hundred pounds".He turned out to be the missing doctor of the ob gyn clinic that my own doctor was in, and this doctor made me turn in my resignation to the head nurse,who he bawled out for sending me to care for that huge woman, then he drove me clear home to Tempe froM Phoenix.
I think you have to call the shots as your patient surely is trying to kill herself by gorging and her kids think they know more than you go so you have to make them behave before that woman blows up from eating too much.
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
14 Mar 10
Wow Hatley! I wish we had doctors like that here in Mass. I get so mad because its almost like my patient is trying to aggrivate her daughter by playing us against each other. The daughter gets her back by dictating orders. Little do they know is that it is affecting the entire care team. Last night after she had already eaten and had 3 cups of hot chocolate she hustled him for a sandwich. Then I get ready to leave and she starts tapping her cup thinking she's getting more chocolate. NOT! I told her in no uncertain terms that she has had quite enough. In a four hour period she had enough food for an entire day. Im soooo mad just thinking about it because she knows what she's doing. If you could've been there while she was eating that sandwich. She inhaled like she never ate. She needs to stop.Happy MyLotting dl
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
16 Mar 10
Well said Dawnald! I wish I could show you what its like there. The daughter is an idiot! She lives upstairs and from what I can see she's a hoarder and a control freak. She tries to make me fix all towels in same direction. She saves rainwater ok! She is way too much. She does it because she is the one in charge. Im a very outspoken person. Its so hard for me! I have to bite my tongue constantly. The good part is that my boss and the physician's know how she is. She does the same to them. Only the doctor's tell her. Thanks for making me feel better. dl
@celticeagle (168256)
• Boise, Idaho
14 Mar 10
Sure you are right BUT,I can see alot of different things here. I think for some people eating becomes the only thing they have to enjoy. I wonder if the daughter is ready for her mom to pass on and doesn't really care any more. I think the son may be the only one with half a brain and he isn't using it sucessfully. I think you are going to only be able to do so much and will only cause yourself stress and oncoming sickness if you try to do more. Remember, the customer is always right! NOT!
1 person likes this
@kprofgames (3091)
• United States
14 Mar 10
Yes you are. I am happy to know the son listened to you, but the daughter is a problem. Yes I understand she is in bed and isn't mobile, but she needs something to do besides turning to food all the time. Sounds like she can eat so it is the only thing she feels she can do. The feel sorry for me so feed me kind of thing.
I know she isn't mobile, but sounds like she still has used of her hands - so is there an activity she can do that will take her mind off of the one thing she has become obsessed with?
I remember my mother-in-law when she went into a wheel chair. She smoked and smoked a lot. She said that is the only thing she can still do herself so she became a chain smoker. It gave her a sense of independence because that is the only thing she could do without a person's help.
Maybe this woman you look after needs a new lease on life. Something she can do for herself so she doesn't rely on food.
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
14 Mar 10
You are right about everything. Especially the daughter. She thinks she knows everything. She doesnt like criticism or suggestions. I do understand that she has been instrumental in a few of the obstacles she's overcome but its time to realize that maybe this is all she'll be able to accomplish. She may get a little better but in time. She wont admit that her mother cant eat a ton of food. She'll fry about thirty italian sausages and then stick the plate in front of her mom and say take what you want. Sad part is that she'd eat them all if she could. She's a glutton. No other way to describe it. dl
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
16 Mar 10
You are the only one that knows what is going on. I am wondering if they think she is going to get better. Maybe they just think they should let her enjoy what she likes. It looks like her daughter that has been working with her would be behind you at least 99%. It doesn't look like she would want all her time and work to be for nothing.
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
14 Mar 10
They really shold know better than to feed her like that and yup I would put my foot down on it if they dont make them clean her up and see how they like it only reason they have you it sounds like is for you to do the cleaning! grrrrrrr
I have a sis in law that just sets and eats now all the time I am amazed att he weight she has gain as we used to be the same size yers ago.
and if her daughter fixes what she want she will then through it on the floor and tell every one the neice is starving her.
What can I tell neice to help with this is there something she can do for her not to through her fits and throwing good food on the floor?
@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
17 Mar 10
yes,you are right.but you can only suggest so much with some people.
if she is sedentary (sp?)she is at high risk for heart attacks with that diet.
the family will learn when they can't get aides.
i have this same fight with my mom-i want her to eat fruits as snacks,she wants to eat high calorie crap.she doesn't always get her way tho.especially if i get to my brother before she does to convince him to feed her again.
@moonlitmagikchild (22181)
• United States
14 Mar 10
is there any way to turn in her daughter for mistreatment? i mean it is abuse in a sense that its making her worse and she has been told otherwise and yet continues to help her decline.. or would that end up getting you in trouble? i would go nuts if i were you and hit that daughter with a bed pan or something lol
@savypat (20216)
• United States
14 Mar 10
There is a lot of frustration here, all parties, including you have more than their fair share of this emotion. I would suggest that you reread what you just wrote and look at it from an uninvolved party's point of view. I think you will agree that a whole new emotion needs to be introduced. It's so easy for all of us to get caught in this trap and not realize what is going on. Make your lists, get a group meeting together and let them see what is happening and what positive moves can be made to make this better for all. I know that you know your job and that you want what is best for everyone. So now use your knowledge to change the flavor of this relationship. Blessings
@mods196621 (3652)
• Philippines
14 Mar 10
For me you are right because you know better than to them. You are there to help the patient and you're doing your job. The right foods for your patient is good for her. But you need their cooperation in terms of giving her foods and taking care of her. I am at your side. Have a nice day and continue doing your good job 
@optomyst (47)
• Denmark
14 Mar 10
You are 100% right. The more weight she gains the worse off she will be and her body will start to break down. Maybe you can find an informative video that will show her family exactly what is happening to her body when she is being overfed and not excercising. Not many people know what happens to a body that is storing too much of the bad fat and not getting enough good things. The daughter my put up a fight, but the son at least sounds like he wants to keep things under control.
