Is He the One for me? I am Totally Lost!!
By substance
@substance (585)
India
March 17, 2010 11:47am CST
Dear,
Friends, I am really in need of some very strong opinions before I take the next step. 
Background:
My bf of 3 years have a strong disciplinarian as a father and he had a very strict upbringing focusing mainly on career in life. He has come from a family of achievers( a reputed doctor in London, engineers, politicians, musicians etc....) and his father's brother is an influential politician in our land. So his family's main focus in life have been careers, politics, power..etc
I am an only daughter and so I was brought-up in a very happy carefree environment and all I want is some sweet love and a happily married life. Financially, I am independent. Both me and my Bf have a degree in engineering and are working now.
My parents were mismatched and I never EVER want to be in that same situation EVER.
Problems:
The thing is my bf have very high goals in life with very high standards and he is not even satisfied with the current position that he is holding as he have a line of achievers in his family to put up with. I remember telling him once, that its alright we have good jobs, to which he replied "look up and not down".
He wants me to be perfect in every way. He wants me to have perfectly flawless skin, very slim and be as smart as can be. While I know he wants me to be a "Better person" his comments are playing a havoc on my self esteem. I feel like I am not being liked for myself and sometimes his off hand remarks makes me feels bad. Why can't he just accept me for what I am, flaws and all. I already told him but I don't think he will change.
We have a strong chemistry going on and of course I love him to pieces. I still get butterflies in my stomach and there is tension in the air whenever we meet after a week or so (even after 3 years). But sometimes I feel like the only thing in common we have is that and our same field of work.
When I started going out with him, I make my choice that he is 'the one' and I don't want to go back on my decisions again. I want this to work.
Now his perfectionism is wrecking my self esteem and I am a person who constantly needs attention and needs somebody to shower me with love every now or then.
Now what do you think I should do? Adjust or cut my losses. I am 27 now and already invested a lot of time and emotions here. 
Background:
My bf of 3 years have a strong disciplinarian as a father and he had a very strict upbringing focusing mainly on career in life. He has come from a family of achievers( a reputed doctor in London, engineers, politicians, musicians etc....) and his father's brother is an influential politician in our land. So his family's main focus in life have been careers, politics, power..etc
I am an only daughter and so I was brought-up in a very happy carefree environment and all I want is some sweet love and a happily married life. Financially, I am independent. Both me and my Bf have a degree in engineering and are working now.
My parents were mismatched and I never EVER want to be in that same situation EVER.
Problems:
The thing is my bf have very high goals in life with very high standards and he is not even satisfied with the current position that he is holding as he have a line of achievers in his family to put up with. I remember telling him once, that its alright we have good jobs, to which he replied "look up and not down".
He wants me to be perfect in every way. He wants me to have perfectly flawless skin, very slim and be as smart as can be. While I know he wants me to be a "Better person" his comments are playing a havoc on my self esteem. I feel like I am not being liked for myself and sometimes his off hand remarks makes me feels bad. Why can't he just accept me for what I am, flaws and all. I already told him but I don't think he will change.
We have a strong chemistry going on and of course I love him to pieces. I still get butterflies in my stomach and there is tension in the air whenever we meet after a week or so (even after 3 years). But sometimes I feel like the only thing in common we have is that and our same field of work.
When I started going out with him, I make my choice that he is 'the one' and I don't want to go back on my decisions again. I want this to work.
Now his perfectionism is wrecking my self esteem and I am a person who constantly needs attention and needs somebody to shower me with love every now or then.
Now what do you think I should do? Adjust or cut my losses. I am 27 now and already invested a lot of time and emotions here. 3 people like this
11 responses
@strawberrychocodahi (4818)
• Philippines
18 Mar 10
Wooahhh, i can feel pressure in this one. If he is such a perfectionist, then I might say that your in-laws (to be, if you decide) would be giving the same pressure to you.
I don't know but it is still your decision to balance. If he loves you, then he must accept you as you are. What if you don't have a job, he would also bid adios to you?? try to test him also, and tell him a scenario like "WHAT IF"..... and see what you can hear from your perfectionist guy.
Improving the status of a person does not mean his having good intentions. What if you gave all of what you have and still is not enough for him. Women really needs to be pampered and being appreciated by their men. But what if your guy does not give it to you because he thinks too much already of himself? can you go by the flow every time? do you have to compete with him every now and then to prove something worthy? your 27, I guess you can now make up your mind with the situation. It does not matter even if you have been 7 or 8 years in a relationship, but if you are not going to be happy, then what is next?
@substance (585)
• India
18 Mar 10
He takes time to share his deepest feelings. I am not overwhelmed by his family or anything but I am just wondering if it will be too much for me later when we settle down.
huh! I guess I will think over it too! thanks for trying to clear my mind!
@besthope44 (12123)
• India
17 Mar 10
Well dear friend, this is really surprising me! What you have narrated is my story!!!
Well i got married at age of 29 with same man i loved. He is the same person like you mentioned and each words of it are TRUE and cent percent applies to my love. Friend loving is also waiting and holding it at any cost. I understand i am the same like you, when i was 26, i was started to worry and emotions are natural. But you know the real happiest person is proudly ME!! Living with him is ..i cant express in words. Loosing a love is easy, but living and making the love is ultimate gift. You will be rewarded with unlimited happiness for your waiting, so dont think of cut or adjust..just wait for your great life. Happy loving!!
@substance (585)
• India
18 Mar 10
Wow, I like what you said here. Love can come in different sides and shapes. I always remember this wonderful sayings and now it have come to my mind: " A person may not love you the way you want But that doesn't meant that he doesn't love you with all he has".
I think I will wait it out because I feel great connection with him. I feel he may be a little stressed out this days due to work pressures.
He is a Leo, total male. But I know he cares for me deep inside.
The wonderful thing is "The way I can hear the emotions in his voice when he calls me up after some fews days of not meeting".
I guess its true that opposites really attracts!! :-p
Besthope44, thanks for your kind words!!
I think I will wait it out because I feel great connection with him. I feel he may be a little stressed out this days due to work pressures.
He is a Leo, total male. But I know he cares for me deep inside.
The wonderful thing is "The way I can hear the emotions in his voice when he calls me up after some fews days of not meeting".
I guess its true that opposites really attracts!! :-p
Besthope44, thanks for your kind words!!
@homeshoppers (6166)
• Philippines
18 Mar 10
you really cant tell if the guy is the right one for you til you start to live with him in the same roof. thats the only time you will know the real attitude or characteristic of the guy as some of them they tend to hide it afraid of losing the other half. but then no one is perfect so if you think his responsible and both of you love each other and happy to be with each other then why not. its in the matter of love, understanding and acceptance.
@krisnel (498)
• Philippines
18 Mar 10
have you realized what kind of relation do you have with your boyfriend. does he really love you as you and not the one that he wants you to be. tell to him that you are not a perfect person that he wants you to be. tell to him all the things that was in your mind and in your heart. dont think of your time and emotions if the outcome would be pains for you.
@lylisal (78)
• Mexico
18 Mar 10
In relationships, it's very hard to really know if that person is the one. u need think on the things and situations that u live with he. All matters... and always a commitment it's a live one day at time. Good luck with ur decision. Nothing is certain.
@adaox1 (65)
• Belgium
17 Mar 10
this is a strong story hmm, have to think a bit before i can answer on this one.
first of, i hope you spoke with him about this multiple times and at a serious way.
i wonder what he replys when you tell him.
i dont doubt about the fact that he loves you, i'm pretty sure it's just his character that makes him tell those things to you.
i find some things on myself that match with him, i also try to change some parts of my girlfriend, but i want that becouse of her changing and i don't want this proces.
i also don't know what to do but i want to give her time and so. well, i hope time will also be your answer. think about it good enough and try speeking with him again.
@rsa101 (38166)
• Philippines
18 Mar 10
Have you tried talking about this and how it is affecting you as a person if he is trying to dictate everything he wants in you. I think there can be some kind of a compromise on this things. If he truly loves you then "both" of you are to make sacrifices and adjustments in life to accommodate each others whims and desires. I think that is to be understood.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
17 Mar 10
I can only speak for myself, but I was in a relationship where I really loved somebody, but his criticism was really cutting down my self esteem. He wasn't criticizing kindly and he mostly wasn't criticizing things that I could change. My heart was saying stay, my head was saying go. I ended up leaving. Passion fades but if you don't have a good friend ship and mutual respect and understanding you are eventually going to be miserable.
@cream97 (29086)
• United States
17 Mar 10
Hi, substance. I would simply tell him that if he can't love me for who I really am that he should not love me at all. You can only be you, not an imaginary image that he is designed in his mind for you to be. You are already doing enough by measuring up to his standards. He will either have to accept you as you are, or have nothing at all. Tell him to take you as you are, or have nothing at all. Quoted from The Queen of R&B herself, Miss Mary. J. Blige.
@olepmis (840)
• Philippines
17 Mar 10
Tell your bf again that if he truly loves you, he must accept you for what you are. A good relationship is a two way traffic or there must be a give and take in all aspects for the relationship to grow. You are not married yet to him but you have already a very low self-esteem. If I were you, he is not the right one for you.
@vjenkins86 (1478)
• United States
17 Mar 10
In my opinion, in the long run you might be better off taking a break from this relationship especially if your self esteem is at risk. It's great that he still gives you butterflies after 3 years, but if being with him makes you continuously doubt yourself, judge yourself and fret, it is not a healthy situation for you. And if he's from such a strict family, marrying into that family might put you under their microscope as well. Speaking of families, have you ever thought of what kind of father your boyfriend would be to your kids if you got married? Would you two have the same philosophy as parents?
